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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Festivus......BC4M style

For some of our loyal readers, the holiday season doesn't mean Christmas cards, Santa Claus and getting up early to watch the kids play with that cardboard box that formerly housed that impossible to find (except for that douche bag extortionist on Craig's list who hoarded all of them back in July) 400 dollar toy that is probably being chewed on by the new puppy Poopzilla. Some of you are perhaps like our club pagan, Bim, who will still celebrate certain parts of Christmas but also like to partake in the made up holiday known to other druids as Festivus. To promote diversity and to accumulate "credit hours" for his Master's degree in "anger management amongst a multi-culturist society", Fred had a dinner party for both the Founding Fathers of the BC4M and their better halves. The menu called for a seasonal favorite, prime rib, to which Bim declared, "Thats a sacred deity to my Hindu brethren". "Don't you imperialistic Christians know that the cow symbolizes wealth, strength and abundance?". "Abundance and strength of what, smelly ass farts? asked our charming host Fred. "Seems to me, that country wouldn't be full of starving call center workers if they would just eat a few fucking Baconators" he continued. "Damn right, bacon makes anything taste good", chimed in Snake. "Even pussy?" asked Johnny Wilder, to which Snake somehow replied "Fuck yes" with a straight face. After dinner, we decided to try a few special beers to celebrate the evening. First up was Uinta Brewing's Cockeyed Cooper (11.10%), a barleywine that featured a label that boasted a cartoon depiction of the hilarious "Dude" at our favorite new blog, "It's a fucking beer". This beer was full of flavor and had a decent kick. Smooth without making you feel like you were drinking alcoholic cough syrup, it was a really good. Next was a new beer from 3 Floyd's, The Creeper (9.0%), a doppelbock style beer that true to 3 Floyd's form, didn't seem like a doppelbock at all. Celebrator is the standard for which the BC4M judges doppelbocks, and The Creeper seems more like a second cousin, but what a sweet ass bitch she is. Dark roasted malts combine with a hidden kick in the nads to create an amazing beer. Another really good was the result, so we finished the tasting for the night with a Goose Island Vanilla Bourbon County Stout (13.0%). We have raved about both the regular Bourbon County Stout as well as the Coffee version, (both receiving the RFG rating) and this one is even better. Smoother than the honeypot under the ass floss of a Belgian street walker, this was an incredible beer. The alcohol was just enough to give you a hint of bourbon and the finish left you with a taste of vanilla ice cream. Each and every member immediately said, "That's a fucking RFG". Done with tasting for the night, we pulled out the remainders of the truckload of beers that had been brought for the festivities. No one can recall how many beers were consumed, but sometime after midnight, a seriously inebriated Bim and stone cold sober Wilder got the idea that that various Christmas decorations that adorned the neighborhood yards needed to be "inspected". To commemorate the occasion, Fred decided to rewrite a few stanzas from the Christmas classic,
"Twas the night before Christmas"

Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the hood
The yard ornaments were trembling, for Santa Bim was sporting wood

With Johnny Wilder riding shotgun,
Foxy Flamingo brought camera and flash
This naughty trio set out for a sodomizing dash

First up was the Nutcracker, all rigid and straight
His poor rear got worked over, by a dirty Santa looking to mate

Then what to my disbelieving eyes should appear
But Wilder and Bim, humping two innocent reindeer

An inflatable Santa was brought to his knees


A lonely "For Sale" sign was covered in pee

And on that storied night, not a creature was missed

And as the sun arose, the neighbors were pissed

But we still laugh at the tale we recall so well
Even if Bim and Johnny are going straight to hell.......

Merry Christmas from the BC4M.......In the immortal words of our dear friend Ricky Bobby......"If you don't like Santa Claus, then FUCK YOU"........

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Ho Ho Ho ...Bitches




Friday night in the CHC. Bim put on his Billy Bob Thornton Santa suit and called a Flamingo with the hopes of getting all the neighborhood juggies to go for a lap ride. The girls and boys arrived as Santa Bim declared them naughty or nice, and the party commenced. We started the night with an Avery Dugana (8.5%). This IPA has a cool picture of an Indian porn star (dot not feather) on the bottle, as confirmed by the groups pornologist, J. Wilder. He confirmed that the chick's name is Bopatragohain Chaganti, and she's known as the Cock Tease of Calcutta. The beer, while not extrordinary, was a solid good. Next up was Bim's attempt at Dogfish Head's Billy Budd (14%), a combination of Indiam Brown, Palo Santo Maron, and 120min IPA. Bim raved about this alcohol bomb that he sampled at Rehoboth, and his attempt at it's recreation was quite good. Following this sweet, syrupy beer, we cracked open one of the few new beers available at Total Wine, the Industrial IPA (7.9%) by Diamond Knot. It had a somewhat chalky taste, as if it was brewed at a industrial chalk factory, and rated only a so/so. Red Hook Eisbock 28 (11.8%) was marketed as a "ice processed winter warmer". Snake's idea of a winter warmer is dropping a Cleveland steamer in his pants while out on the frozen plains hunting caribou. We were a bit worried, but this beer was no Cleveland Steamer bean, in fact, it was smooth and sweet, and garnered a really good. Then back to Avery for their Old Jubilation Ale (8.3%). Prince Mike took a healthy swig, and immediately declared, "Ho Ho Whoa... this shit is weak." A very solid so/so. But we weren't finished yet. Prince, who'd recently returned from recent trip to Fuquay Varina, NC (pronounced Fucky Vagina) brought back two growlers of beer, a Hog Wild IPA (6.7%) and a Devil's Tramping Ground Tripel (9.2%), brewed by Aviator Brewing. Who are these guys? No one in the group could find this town on a map, but damn can they make beer. Despite the fact that the growlers were a week old, they were both quite good and rated so. It was about this time the the meeting descended into mayhem. We started drinking every previously reviewed beer we could find, and our Santa Bim went from Jolly Old Nick, to just another smelly old drunken child molesting Santa wannabe. Until next time, Merry Christmas Bitches!!!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Thar She Blows


With the holiday season fast approaching, the boys in the BC4M knew that their chances for having meetings would dwindle as the various members would be "persuaded" into doing manly things such as a peaceful day of "shopping with the Mrs.", baking "cookies" for the Ladies of CHC cookie swap, picking out that "unique" tree decoration for the annual neighborhood ornament exchange, or making like Clark W. Griswald and making the front yard visible from as far away as say Santiago, Chile. We found a hole in the schedule last Thursday that allowed for Bim, 10pm, Snake and Johnny Wilder to meet at Fred's for another round of Whale-a-palooza 2010. As Fred and Snake opened up the garage fridge where the whales were resting peacefully, the reigning coed double sculled kayak champion of the group, Bim, let out a raucous "Thar She Blows" that signaled the group to come to order for the meeting. First up was a Firestone Walker 14th Anniversary Ale (12.5%). This is a special blend of several of the Firestone Walker beers, including Parabola, Sticky Monkey and Black Xantos. This a barrel aged blend that is simply fantastic. The flavor was like a slightly boozy chocolate caramel latte with an incredible finish. A great way to start the night off, we gave it a really good. Next was an Italian import Baladin Nora (6.8%). Supposedly an Egyptian style brew, it is made with a form of wheat called kamut, to which ginger, myrrh and Vatican city urinal water is added, because this "beer" was simply awful. "What the fuck" asked the always charitable Fred, "This shit tastes like I'm eating the runoff from Cleopatra's yeast infection." "Damn Fucking Eye-talians paying us back for kicking their fettuccine eating asses back in WWII". Sucks was the vote for this 12 oz. version of extra strength vagisil. We moved on to a Chimay Premiere (7.0%), a Trappiste style beer that is both creamy and easy drinking, with the typical Belgian yeastiness that is predominant in the style. Decent, but not as good as the Chimay Blue, we gave it a good. While we decided on the next beer, we flipped through the channels and found one the most endearing Christmas classics of all time, Rudolph, and then about pissed our lederhosen when the scene with Hermie the Elf in the workshop came on. As we recovered from laughing ourselves almost sober, we cracked open a Harvey & Sons (Lewes) LTD Imperial Extra Double Stout (9.0%). Most British imports tend to have a very peculiar malt flavor that we aren't fond of, but this one was more like a dark chocolate bar. Smokey, slightly sweet and full of flavor, we enjoyed this smooth as a pair of silk pajamas stout from our English cousins. A solid good, we moved on to a Hitachino Nest Commemorative Ale (8.0%). "Hell, a fucking Jap beer, a fucking English beer and a fucking Italian beer, all we need now is a few fucking Kraut and Soviet beers and we got us the BC4M version of Axis and Allies" said Fred, whose great-uncle was famed Army Ranger Lt. Aldo Raine. The beer wasn't much better than Fred's feelings on "damn Tojo and the Huns" . "Its alright" was the immediate response from 10pm, who has rates most beers on the initial sip. "This is like a carbonated malt volcano" said Bim as we watched the poured head rise like a 20 year old's woodie upon seeing his girlfriends sweater puppies nekid for the first time. This beer was made with seemingly every spice known to the native of Southeast Asia and despite that fact it still tasted decent so it got a so-so. Cascade Brewing's Bourbonic Plague (12.1%) was offered next. A northwest style sour ale, it is brewed using both wine and bourbon barrels and has just a hint of sour to it. 10pm said, "Its getting better with every sip", while Snake (known for his dislike of small boobs and sour beers) said it was "pretty damn good". This one is boozy without making you feel like you slept in a bourbon barrel all night and the touch of sour gives it a unique finish. A really good was the grade as we continued with a New Belgium 2°Below (6.6%). Normally, they make some decent beers, but this was just plain shitty. "The Yuengling of craft beers" said Bim, as J. Wilder added it was so weak the bartender might say "Need a beer to go with your 2° Below?". So-so is giving it more credit than it deserves, but since it isn't quite at the sucks level we gave it a reprieve. We decided to give New Belgium another chance by trying their Lips of Faith 2010 La Folie (6.0%). A true sour, this one is tart, crisp and sweet at the finish. A true classic, we will be buying more of this really good "madness" in a bottle. We then decided it was time to bust open the whales scheduled for the evening. First up was Cigar City's Marshal Zhukov Russian Imperial Stout (11.0%). Big, bold and over the top, like the famed "Rooskie" General its named for, this one was as smooth as the skimpy satin panties your ex-girlfriend used to model for you in your dorm room before she found out you liked to plant your face in her best friends crotchless panties even more. "Holy shit!, this is amazing" proclaimed Fred, as the taste rolled over your tongue like a tsunami of melted chocolate. The group was split, as some wanted to go RFG, but the majority declared that although outstanding, it rated a mere really good. The next whale was Goose Island Coffee Bourbon County Stout (13.0%). Imagine if you will the smoothest, creamiest iced coffee you have ever tasted and then gave it a kick with some ultra premium bourbon. This is what you get with this beer, it made the really smooth Zhukov taste as smooth as a bowl of lumpy mashed potatoes. The vanilla hints mixed with the not too bitter coffee simply made this a truly remarkable beer. Even Wilder, who has yet to meet a coffee flavored stout he likes, remarked that "I ain't gonna lie, this shit is awesome". RFG was the unanimous vote as we decided to keep the stout love going with a Port Brewing Older Viscosity (12.0%). "Not your dad's 30 weight" read the label, as we poured our third straight black as tar bottle of motor oil. Also aged in whiskey barrels, "Are we ever gonna try something not fucking barrel aged?" asked the suddenly loquacious Wilder who normally spends his time at the meetings endlessly texting clients for his ever expanding wholesale fleshlight business which trades on the NYSE as "Dick Wood's Hardware". If it weren't for the high standard set by the Bourbon County Stout, this one would probably get an RFG as well, but it was not quite on that level so it got a really good. Two beers were all that remained on the agenda, so we plowed forward with a Founder's Nemesis (12.0%). This is their yearly brew that changes annually as they attempt to "diabolically brew to decimate ordinary average run of the mill beers". Claiming to contain 100 IBU's, this one went down easy but had a noticeable burn that had us wondering what firewater they brewed this with. "100 IBU's my ass" said noted hop grower Bim, "but it sure as hell tastes fucking good". We all agreed, this supposed "wheat wine" was indeed unique and earned a solid good. The final beer of the evening was Bell's 25th Anniversary Ale (8.5%). By this time of the night, our taste buds were probably a bit saturated from the alcohol bombs we were guzzling like locusts in a corn field. This beer was ok, in that it didn't stand out in any way, and would probably get a better grade if it got rated earlier in the evening. This one was so-so to good because it lacked any defining characteristics and was unremarkable in flavor. We had finished off the collection for the evening, another RFG added to the list and several really goods to go along with it. The meeting was adjourned and as we got up to leave, we raised our glasses for a final toast, "Long live the whales"... Until our next sea story.....Salude!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

The Blacker the Whale, the Sweeter the Brew

With the rest of the BC4M brotherhood out either getting pedicures, mangina waxes or singing alto-tenor for the local "glee" club, Bim, Wilder and Fred decided it was time for the real men of the club to have another round of whale tasting. First up was a new beer from Smuttynose, the sister brewery to Portsmouth Brewing (makers of whale Kate the Great). The Smuttynose Smuttonator Double Bock (9.6%) was a decent take on the always popular doppelbock style. While it had a subtly sweet flavor, it was good but by no means in the same zip code as a Celebrator. We could drink a lot more of these, but the body was just a bit off and so it got a good. Wilder produced a new bottle from the "save the planet one fucking wind turbine at a time" according to atom splitter Fred, the Outer Banks Brewing Station Moondog ESB (5.4%). The beer poured the color of a bad golden shower, (Bim asked, "Is there such a thing as a bad golden shower?") and the taste wasn't any better. "This shit is flat awful" said Wilder, ashamed he had wasted 1.99 on the bottle. Bim added, "Other than that Steamship and Tongs, everything they make is flat fucking terrible, are you sure the ESB doesn't mean extra shitty beer?". This shit is so bad that Madge from Palmolive probably used to use this stuff to remove the warts from under her armpits. A true SUCKS, we poured out the rest of the bottle and moved on to a Sam Adams Chocolate Bock (5.6%). Sam Adams makes both really good beers as well as some really mediocre shit. This stuff poured from the bottle like a carbonated YooHoo, and the taste was akin to the leftover milk in your bowl of koo-koo for Cocoa Puffs, and you know we all love to drink that slightly chocolatey concoction. In fact, they boys in Boston probably bought every stale bowl of cereal that the General Mills cereal folks were throwing out and ground it up to add to this batch. The body was very light, almost like a bottle of cacao pop rocks, but the taste was pretty good, so it ended up getting a good. The final bottle of the night was mini whale Foothill's Brewing Sexual Chocolate (9.75%). Bim pulled out the bottle and decided that the cover model reminded him of the first woman he ever laid in bed punching the clown to, Lt Uhura from Star Trek. Bim has never met a nubian ass he didn't want to mount like a horny beagle with a case of blue balls. Since he was a little tipsy and the bottle label was calling to him like an erotic voodoo priestess, he decided that he needed to serenade the "african queen" with a live version of Dr. Spock's classic interracial love anthem Ruby. As we fell out of our chairs with laughter at the sight of Bim proposing a night of passionate love making to an imaginary "foxy cleopatra", we poured a beer as dark and rich as beloved African dictator Ida Amin. This beer is brewed with cocoa nibs added and it tasted as sweet and delicious as a melted Milky Way bar. Amazing flavor with just a hint of bitterness, the roasted malts stand out and there is just enough alcohol to make you realize that "this bitch don't play". Really good was the result as we decided to end the evening early since Bim obviously needed some alone time to get out all his pent up "aggression". Another successful whale night down, we looked forward to another adventure in whaling down the road.....

Whale Week Begins!

And so it began, the culmination of hours of bidding on Ebay, countless dollars spent and anxious days awaiting the arrival of the so called "Whales" of the craft beer industry. No one knows for sure what actually constitutes a whale, but the Indiana Jones of the BC4M, Fred, vowed to gather all the sacred "brewed one day a year beers" that usually incite some sort of maniacal rioting and perhaps even a rabid bidding war in order to obtain one of what the nerds of craft beerdom might consider "the precious". Our vaunted research team at KVWN-TV4 had determined that the following 5 beers are universally considered world class and almost unattainable by the general public. Portsmouth Brewing's Kate the Great, Cigar City Hunahpu Imperial Stout, Surly Darkness, 3 Floyd's Dark Lord, and The Bruery Black Tuesday are among the finest beers to be made in the world. Other than the Hunahpu, all are sold on a single day each year to a mob of craft beer geeks determined to grab every bottle available and then turn around and sell them on Ebay to beertards like the members of the BC4M at extortionist prices. We added 5 lesser but still world class beers to the pantheon in order to have ourselves a "whale week". The lesser whales include Coast Brewing's Blackbeerd Imperial Stout, Cigar City's Marshal Zhukov's Imperial Stout, Foothill's Brewing Sexual Chocolate, Oskar Blue's Barred Aged Ten Fidy and Goose Island Coffee Bourbon County Stout. It was a unusually warm Thursday evening that found Snake, Wilder and Bim joining Fred at his compound to kick off the inaugural BC4M "Whale Week". First up was Coast Brewing Blackbeerd Imperial Stout (9.3%) A nice thick and dark head pulsed from the bottle as we poured a round for the Founding Fathers in attendance. The first sip was like the opening broadside from a renegade privateer engaging a French frigate, yet the finish was as hollow as the remorse in Tiger Wood's apology for banging all those washed up hacks with fake cans. Slightly tangy, it was decent but only rated a good from the panel. Next was Cigar City Hunahpu's Imperial Stout (11.5%). This one was as black as the underside of King Kong's taint yet it tasted amazing. Brewed with cocoa nubs, ancho chilis, cinnamon and Madagascar vanilla, it had an earthy, almost cherry chocolate flavored taste that lingered like velvet on the tongue. The contents of our glass looked like the runoff from the engine of Ricky Bobby's Wonderbread machine after winning the "Cock and Balls 500" but it tasted simply amazing. The flavor was intense, and the smoothness rivaled the sweetest set of labia you ever laid your lips on. Simply fantastic, we agreed that another RFG would be added to the list. Not wanting to end the meeting so soon, we went to the fridge and pulled out another group of beers for the tasting. A growler filled with Devils Backbone Blue Ridge Hop Revival (6.0%) was a gift from the ladies of the CHC Wine Club for Women (and guys that ain't got the nads to drink beer) from their recent trip to Shenandoah wine country. Decent and flavorful, but we probably kept it too long before drinking so it wasn't as fresh as it should be and the grade suffered somewhat earning only a so-so. Two new beers from the Pacific Northwest, Cascade Brewing's Vlad the Imp Aler (10.6%) and The Vine (8.33%) were opened next. Vlad was a beer we tried in Denver at the GABF and we thought it rated a really good. Fred and Wilder are into the "sour" beers that are currently all the rage in the craft beer world. Vlad didn't disappoint as it is described as a "blonde quad aged for 18 months in bourbon barrels." More wine flavored that bourbony, the sour factor can curl the tonsils but the flavor is so intense it borders on amazing. "Damn, this shit is making my toes curl" said Wilder, "sorta like that 10 dollar a night ball smoker when she huffed my johnson for a hit off the rock down in P-town". Wilder said, "I told that bitch, get ya spoon, you gum this schlong, you got yo rock". The beer was phenomenal and it got a really good, even from Bim who is slowly but surely coming around to the taste of beer mixed with sour patch kids. The Vine spends a year doing some "lactic fermentation", "Hell, I would give my left nut to spend a year lactating on a nice set of milkwagons" said the always frisky Snake as Bim told him it was actually a way of adding a "sour" flavor to a beer. "I don't give a shit what it means, I still wanna do it" said the resident "teddy bear" of the BC4M. This beer is even more sour and funky than Vlad. Fred's adorable wife, the always winetabolous Foxy Flamingo, said it was so tart, "That'll sure start your car up" which we took to mean some late night booty shaking was about to begin. "Tastes like sweet tarts mixed with Welch's grape juice" said Bim, but the taste was still awesome. Mixing sweet, sour and vinegary while maintaining a smooth full body garnered this one a really good. Keeping up the sour theme, we opened up a Duchese De Bourgogne (6.0%) which was a Flemish sour red that Wilder had tasted at the Capitol Ale House and Fred had sampled at the Norfolk Tap House. Not nearly as tart as the Vine, the rich red coloring provided the backdrop for a flavorful but not overly sour that was in the words of Bim, "Outstanding". Another really good, so we tried a Terrapin Brewmaster Collection Monstre Rouge (8.5%). This one is a collaboration beer that is supposedly a Flanders red. The taste however, was more like Ned Flanders' ball sweat as it has neither a sour or vinegary taste and was a watery mess of a beer. So-so at best, we were highly disappointed because Terrapin generally makes some great beers but this one was equivalent to getting a backwards K in the bottom of the ninth. We opened another Terrapin, Reunion '10 (8.5%) which is a Belgian style Scotch ale brewed to honor and raise funds for bone cancer victims. Made with a metric ton of Belgian candi sugar, this one got mixed reviews. One member said, "Decent, even if it promotes tooth decay", while another said, "Throw this shit out, they aint gonna raise any money if they continue selling this swill." A so-so was the result, and we moved on to the final two beers of the night. Troeg's Mad Elf Ale (11.0%) was up first, and we also love most of their products. This one gets rave reviews from various online resources, so we were expecting a really good beer as a result. An ale "brewed with honey and cherries" this one tasted like a bad batch of Dimetapp mixed with Nyquil. "Fuck that is awful" said Fred, "If I wanted to drink cod liver oil, I wouldn't have paid 12 bucks for a bottle". Wilder said he thought it was ok, but overall the group was disappointed so we gave it a so-so. The final beer of opening night of the whales was a Left Hand Warrior IPA (6.6%). They didn't have this on tap when we were in Denver at their brewery, so we were anxious to try a new IPA since they are a favorite of the group. Made with Colorado fresh hops, this one was dry as a pair of chapped lips on a January morning and although quite hoppy, it had about as much ass as a 19 year old anorexic. Another so-so, we were out of beers and it was well past 1 am, so we called it a night, excited about the new RFG added to the list. Until our next whaling expedition....Fair winds and following seas matey's....

Friday, November 26, 2010

Prince Mike turns the big 4-O



When a guy turns the big 4-0, he generally does one of two things....He either wakes up and realizes that his prostate is beginning to become the size of a small squash, his hair line is heading north while his belly looks like he is 5 months preggers and his junk doesn't rise to the occasion as easily as it did back when he was full of piss and vinegar. On the other hand, some guys decide to celebrate the beginning of the end by testing every boundary that can be crossed both legal and ones frowned upon by guys like our own Officer Mr T. Prince Mike or Big Mike or Godzirra to the boys in the BC4M, was never one to shirk from danger or excitement (witness Prince and his bride as they share their first dance at their wedding reception and you get the idea that he ain't afraid of a little zest in his punch). Perhaps this little video of him as a teenager performing what was known to the professional rasslin world of the 80's as the "Hindenberg maneuver" is further proof that Prince Mike is a daredevil at heart.
To celebrate the 40th anniversary of the gift to the world we sometimes refer to as the Hickory High Yeti, his former band mate and mosh pitting brother, Big Audio Dynamite had secretly set up a 3 day Vegas "Hangover" style adventure that would reunite all the members of their high school glam metal band Scrotum of Death for a sordid weekend full of pedicures, happy ending massages and of course, hours of shopping. Big Audio as usual, had several connections in Sin City and had arranged for an all inclusive trip to the palatial Venetian hotel for a tequila, bourbon and fake bazongas filled excursion into the depths of debauchery. Some of the highlights of their trip included getting bass player "Backdoor" Bobby Shurekoch's nipple pierced, Big Audio picking up some new weaponry for his hometown hunt club, an affable group of Bambi killers called the Beaver Hunt Patrol, and a day long trip to a retirement community massage parlor known for its "Happy Ending Girls". After receiving the groupie discount from the "golden girls" the boys had spent the rest of their weekend wondering why they had volunteered to receive the rub and tug from a group of sex starved blue haired denture wearers but hey what happens in Vegas stays there.......or so the story goes. Back from their weekend of good clean fun, we decided to have a quick BC4M tasting session while we heard Big Audio and Prince Mike retell how they narrowly escaped arrest after they both tried to mount what appeared to their thoroughly drunken asses as seven of the hottest turd cutters they had ever laid eyes on. Despite the fact that the "girls" are actually gold plated statues, Prince Mike swears he heard at least one if not two of the girls ask him to "smack my bitch up" which he had then incorrectly translated as, "please donkey punch each and every one of our hot asses sir". After narrowly escaping the clutches of the oncoming Las Vegas vice unit, Prince and Big Audio laid low for a few hours devouring a new culinary treat that every red blooded American male (and perhaps a few carnivorous bull dykes) can appreciate, the Bacon Bra. "Fuck bacon and eggs for breakfast, said Big Audio, from now on, I'm ordering up some Bacon and Tits". As we howled in laughter at their shenanigans, we actually cracked open a couple of new beers. First up was Devil's Backbone 8 Point IPA (5.90%). This was from a growler brought back from the WC4W on their wine trip and it was hoppy and smooth with just enough kick to make your tongue curl. It was a really good. A few beers from Heavy Seas were next, the Hang Ten Weizen Doppelbock (10.0%) was a good as it had just enough sweetness to overcome the wheat flavor we usually despise. The Heavy Seas Peg Leg Imperial Stout (8.0%) was also a fine beer, as it had all the flavor characteristics of a stout but was thinner and more sessiony than a traditional stout. Finally, the Heavy Seas Winter Storm (7.5%) had a nice rich flavor to pair with its robust body and it also got a good. Wychwood Scarecrow Golden Pale Ale (4.7%) was a hollow disappointment with little flavor and alot of cereal aftertaste so it rated a so-so. The final beer of the night was rated simply cause we are sworn by our oath to actually try every beer in the world, regardless of how shitty they are, so the Michelob Irish Red (5.7%) was tasted and although it reminded us of a bad home brew, it wasn't rancid, but we won't waste any more money on another one so it got a so-so. The night had drawn to a close, but as we left, we toasted a shot of Fighting Cock to Prince Mike to celebrate being 40 years young....Here's to another 40 more.......


Friday, November 5, 2010

Homebrew

As we prepare to brew again, the BC4M would like to familiarize our followers with our distinguished brewing history. We have received some criticism for our harsh descriptions of some of the swill we've had ("like a combination of Lucky Charms and baby shit"). But, in our defense, we have always reserved our harshest criticism for the crap we brew ourselves at the CHC Brewery. It all started in late 2007. Bim had the equipment, and the BC4M decided to try our hand at brewing. After all, if the Unibroue people can brew something that resembles beer, a group of college educated nitwits should be able to as well. We started with a simple ale that we called Old Man Winter. We paid attention to the brewing process, and lo and behold, we brewed a so/so to good beer. "This shit's easy" exclaimed Johnny Wilder, and with that, we were officially brewers. Next up was CHC Best Bitter. This brew was trouble from the start. We were drinking while brewing, totally lost track of time, and fucked it up royally. Nonetheless, it bubbled, indicating fermentation had occured, so we bottled it up and two weeks later sampled this horrible science experiment gone wrong. Words can't adequately describe how foul this stuff was. I hesitate to even call it beer. And yet, on those rare nights when there was nothing else in the beer fridge, we took our medicine and eventually drank nearly every bottle. Undeterred, we began brewing Winter's Best, a session ale. Again, lots of drinking while brewing, and again, a mess of a beer. It looked like beer, smelled like cider, and tasted like it came straight from the Ganges River (i.e. half charred corpses mixed with raw sewage). With each failure we reviewed our mistakes (usually too much drinking while brewing) and tried again. The next beer was called CHC Blonde Ale, and, if possible, we outdid ourselves in horrible ways! This cidery shit was worse than that watermellon crap that 21st Ammendment brews. Drinking it was akin to eating the "sweet tart" in the urinal. We followed the Blonde with a Hair of my Dog Ale, so named because Bim's house is like a small SPCA with 2 dogs and 5 cats. There was visible hair in the finished product, which, in keeping form, was just awful. We wasted no time in trying another, Swamp Fire Ale. For 6 months in 2008, a fire burned in the nearby Great Dismal Swamp. Every day the sun turned gray as ash covered the skys and settled in our next beer, Swamp Fire Ale. Words can't adequately describe the taste, but a picture comes close. Time to get serious... So we rounded up the BC4M and tried a group brew of Coopers Ditch Stout. Crazy brought some moonshine that his hillbilly in-laws brewed, and we drank and brewed, brewed and drank, with the same predictable outcome. Drinking this beer is like kissing your 90 year old withered grandmother on the lips. Her breath smells like onions and garlic, her body smells of mothballs, and yet, she is your grandma after all. So you let her give you a big wet kiss, and just when you think the worst is over, she slips you the tongue. This beer was worse than that, a lot worse. At this point we probably should have just stopped, but instead, we kept on truckin! Next up was a porter. We brewed this bad boy on a cold wintry night. J Wilder was unable to make this session, as he was in Williamsburg at a gay friend's coming out party. Thus a beer name was chosen... Pole Smoker Porter. Despite the fact that all the brewers were intoxicated, this was the closest thing to beer that we'd made in a long time. Unfortunately, it had the carbonation of a week old 2 liter bottle of Coke. Drinkable, but not enjoyable. Which brings us to our latest brew, Skidmark Brown Ale. Bim was prohibited from fully participating with this brew, and yet the result was the same. The "beer" is only a few weeks old, but shows no sign of ever improving. We may enter it into the next homebrewing competition to test the judges diplomatic skills (they are hesitant to spit beers out and curse the brewers, even when they taste like Drano). And that, my dear friends, is the brewing history of the CHC Brewery. Great slogans and labels, crappy beers... maybe we're not so different from the big guys after all!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Rogue trip to Baltimore/Rehobeth Beach

While on a prison furlough, I, Bim gathered the ole lady, put on our best hippy clothes and hitchhiked up to Baltimore for some fun in this US version of an urban warzone. First stop was the Pub Dog pub. This place is cool. Lots of old woodwork, cool bartenders (Theresa and Phil), and, most importantly, surprisingly good beer. Back in the day, you could bring your dog here and drink beer with her. If your dog was a lush, you may even get lucky. Dogs are no longer allowed, but eyeing some of the patrons, you could hardly tell. Since I was alone, these beers cannot be officially rated. That said, these are the beers I tasted and my lone opinions: Imperial Dog, a very decent Imperial IPA; Brown Dog, a medium bodied brown ale, good session beer; Black Dog, their Irish stout, that was OK but light; and the Boxer, a half stout, half blueberry, that sounds awful, but tasted very good. My hats off to this place. The beers were good, they don't serve Bud Light, and there was a scarcity of douchebags in the place.


Next up was a trip over to a place called The Brewers Art. First impression on a Friday night, was that it was like a gay bar, with only 2 women in site, one of whom was with me. It was crowded with a hipster and wannabe crowd, and the bartender was visibly pissed when I ordered a flight of their self-brewed beers (as if to say, "another fucking tourist..."). I'm the one who should of been pissed after discovering that most of them tasted like shit. They brew a beer called Ressurection Ale, which is probably their best known and best tasting beer. I liked it a lot, and apparently it's available in cans, but no one I spoke to could tell me where to get some. The other beers are listed in the order of their suckiness, in a new, unofficial rating scale:
Resurrection: Tasty
Ozzie: Horse Shit
Proletary Ale: Dog Shit
Beacon: 200 yr old Bigfoot shit


And finally, it was off to Rehobeth Beach and the Dogfish Head Brewings and Eats. I felt a little out of place in Rehobeth, as I am neither gay nor lesbian. That said, who doesn't love a lesbian town with the best beer bar on the east coast? At Dog Fish Head we sampled the following beers: Quartier Rouge (9.4%) a delightful red tripel with guarana (same shit that in all those energy drinks) and grains of paradise (which I think could be a code word for some foul body fluid). Octoberfest (7.5%) was about the best of this variety I've ever had. Bed Burglar (6.6%) is a amber ale brewed with Nelson Sauvin hops, and had a weird name and was too sweet. It reminded me of my buddy Antoine Dodson. Shark Beer (4.5%) was wet-hopped water and was really awful. Odd-Ummmm (7.5%) is brewed with peaches, honey , and the other usual ingredients and was delicious. DFH Ale (9.5%) is an imperial IPA with "the body of a 60, the strength of a 90, and the hops of a 120". I really liked this one. But my favorite of the night was the Billy Budd (14%). This monster combines 120 min IPA, Indian Brown Ale, and Palo Santo Marron. It sounds like an odd mix, but the end result was fantastic. Unfortunately, none of these were available in bottles, so I guess it will mean a return trip!

We have been drinking whales recently, so stay tuned for some new posts. Until then, Cheers!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Themes... who needs em?

When the BC4M began meeting, we organized each meeting around a particular theme. Not all our ideas are good ones. Here are some of the themes that were deemed too racy or just too damn weird to ever use: What Would Jesus Drink? Bim liked the idea, but, fearing eternal damnation, the other members voted to pass on this. Plus, our resident bible scholar, Johnny Wilder, has researched the whole thing and discovered that Jesus drank only Heffeweisens... while Satan apparently drinks dopplebocks. We hate wheat beers! We love Doppelbocks! But no one was interested in "What Would Beelzebub Drink Night". Ales and Prostates. Dr. Bim offered to perform a prostate exam on each of they guys in exchange for a new ale. No one took him up on it, and in fact, Snake threatened to kill him if he ever mentioned it again. When Bim offered to instead give the wives a complimentary gyn exam, Fred's better half promptly kneed him in the groin. The idea was never again mentioned. Chitterlings Night. Snake once wanted to do a beer pairing with some of the fresh chitterlings that he had recently prepared. We love to eat and were all in favor of Chitterlings Night, until Crazy explained that chitterlings were pig intestines. At this point Tank threw up in his mouth, and the idea was officially squelched. And lastly, there was the Quench the Thirsty Homeless Night. This appealed to our altruistic senses, but it went bad real quick. We invited a group of homeless guys to a meeting. The only criteria was that we first asked them, "Do you like beer? And, are you a man?". Six disheveled guys showed up at Prince Mike's house, and within minutes it was pure mayhem. They were fighting over the 22 oz bottles of stout, and one guy pulled out a knife and threatened anyone who tried to get his bottle of Dark Lord from him. No one used a glass as they drank straight from the bottle, which they kept wrapped in brown paper bags. Luckily, they were not used to 12% beers, and they all passed out within minutes. This left us with a new dilemma... what to do with 6 old booze hounds. When a nuisance animal is captured, animal control relocates it far far away. So we piled the smelly old dudes into the bed of Bim's truck, and drove for hours, depositing them deep in the middle of the Great Dismal Swamp. Legend has it that they thrived out there and that they actually started a little brewery using rancid swamp water. You may have heard of it, it's called Anheuser Busch. It is with this in mind that the following beers were consumed on a night in October with no theme whatsoever. Pictures of those beers were taken on a camera that has mysteriously disappeared. Was there really a theme that evening??? Perhaps one that the BC4M will never admit to. No member will ever talk about what occurred that evening, and probably for good reason. That said, the beers that night were as follows: Jolly Pumpkin Calabaza Blanca (4%). While it sometimes smelled like a slow moving stream, the taste was nice. It rated a really good. BBC Homewrecker Double IPA (10%) was very smooth and rated good. Sam Adams Black Lager (4.9%) was a watery, tar colored bottle of goodness, and rated a good. Sam Adams Octoberfest (5.3%) has become our go-to session beer of the fall. Very drinkable, it rated a good. Highland's Clawhammer Octoberfest (5.0%)... not so good. It was watery, and only a so/so. Sam Adams Harvest Pumpkin Ale (5.7%) was not as good as the Octoberfest and rated only a so/so. Then back to Jolly Pumpkin, with their Bam Noire (4.3%) a dark farmhouse ale. We usually don't care for farmhouse ales, but this was a slightly sour smooth drink, and rated a good. Shipyard provided their Pugsley's Barleywine Style Ale (8.5%), which was good, followed by Arcadia Ale's London Porter (7.2%) another solid good. And we capped off the night with Sam Adams Dunkleweizen (5.1%) a garbage beer that was was not up to their standards and rated a sucks. Until next time, Kampai!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Road trip to Gordon Biersch


So Friday evening was upon us and the girls were deep into Virginia wine country on their weekend trip and were probably feeling a little giddy after we learned that they had stormed the steps of two wineries and devoured both places of their entire fall wine stock like a flock of blue jays emptying a winter bird feeder. Happy that they were having a much deserved "chick trip", one of our associates, the deacon of boombastic sonic fury himself, Big Audio Dynamite had arranged for the BC4M to take our own road trip and have a few beers at the local Gordon Biersch. Prince Mike, Bim, D-Rail, Fred, Snake and 10pm all arrived promptly at 6:26 to meet up with our host. Big Audio had recently gotten back home after being the head of security for the middle eastern leg of the "Bend over and touch your toes if you love a good Polka" tour by the notorious death metal/polka outfit Accidental Goat Sodomy. "I bet you were shit house drunk every night of the tour" asked Bim, but Big Audio replied "Fuck no, those guys were such boy scouts. I mean, what the fuck does a guy got to do to see the occasional donkey show?" The place was packed, but since Big Audio and the G.M. of the restaurant Sean, were buds, we got a couple of choice tables near the bar. (Maybe its cause the folks at Gordon Biersch knew that The fucking BC4M were in the house, but then again, maybe it was cause Big Audio threatened to crack a few skulls if we didn't get some prime real estate near the beer. Gordon Biersch was one of the first "macro-craft" brewers that we had discovered early on. They make a bunch of fine beers, and they also contract brew for places like Trader Joes. We were hoping to get to sample some beers we hadn't ever had while we were there. The seasonal beer on tap was the always tasty FestBier (5.3%). This is their ode to their Deutschlandic roots and is a classic, easy drinking Oktoberfest lager. "Nothing says good time more than beer and boobs" said Fred, to which Snake raised his stein to concur. Full of flavor, it is a solid good. While we ordered up some grub, we got a few taster flights to see which beers we should get our big boy mugs filled with. We tried the Schwarzbier (4.3%) which was dark yet surprisingly thin. 10pm told our hostess, "Damn, as dark as this is, it still ain't worth a shit." The taste was decent but lacked any ambition to get ahead in life so we gave it a so-so. Next was the Golden Export (4.7%) that "Tastes like a a bowl of fucking soggy Cheerios" said Bim, as Fred added, "Canada Dry Ginger Ale has more ass and body than this crap". "You know how I love me some Canadian ass" said Snake as we watched a seemingly endless bevy of Friday night boobage parade by our table. This beer is on par with say Corona or maybe Miller Lite in that its weak, watery and full of grainy flavors that are typical of the mass marketed swill that most Americans call "beer". The last of the beers we got to try was the Marzen (5.7%). This according to Sean, is their most popular beer. While we were waiting for our dinner to arrive, he gave us a tour of the surprisingly cramped brewing facility that we tagged.


It's amazing how much brewing equipment can get stuffed in a space the size of a double wide trailer. Big Audio said the boys at GB were looking to expand, but according to head brewer Hosiah Morehead, the landlord at their Town Center location was squeezing every tenant like a loan shark causing him to constantly yell "the damn rent is too high". Bim was hoping to learn the secrets to creating a good beer from Hosiah, but we learned he was out of town on "business". "Lets just say he likes to make what the frogs in France call "films" said Big Audio, as we learned that one of the Commonwealth of Virginia's finest film and stage actresses (and the first nekkid chick a horny 15 year old Snake had ever laid eyes on via his Uncle's well used Betamax player), Seka was at that very moment learning why Hosiah has such an unusual last name. Our food arrived by then, and as we began to devour the 3lb Kobe beer burgers that Big Audio had recommended, we saw a cavalcade of pseudo-celebrity lookalikes including Diana Taurasi , Ohio State's Jim Tressel and a obviously drunk or light in the loafers type lad that mistakenly thought it was Halloween as he pretended to be football legend Bear Bryant. "Some dumb ass motherfucker just lost a bet" said Prince Mike as he chuckled toward the plaid wearing doucher sashaying to his group in the corner. As we laughed at the goofy bastard, we ordered another round of beers before we decided to call it a night. As we got up to leave, we thanked Big Audio for a great time and watched as he left a trail of burnt rubber and one nearly emasculated circus midget as he sped off to host a gig on his slick new Buell IDO69 Assassin bike. Another great time was had by all and we looked forward to our next visit as we anxiously await the tapping of Gordon Biersch's next seasonal beer, Winter Bock.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Bon Voyage Bitches


This coming Friday, the better halves of our quiet, mild mannered neighborhood, or more commonly known to the BC4M as the Wine Club for Women are heading up for a debauchery filled "girls only" wine trip to the Shenandoah Mountains. The "B's of CHC" as their snazzy new t-shirts proclaim, are heading on their "Bitches and Whine Tour 2010" and have an itinerary that is almost completely hush hush. All that the boys know is that the ladies are going to be staying at a quaint country farmhouse called "A Roll in the Hay", and that several area wineries will be visited by our saucy group of bacchanalians. Who knows what other spicy events the ringleader of the group (Claire Griswald) has planned for our group of wine loving minxes but surely they are in for an amazing time (remember ladies, bras and panties are not optional). Since we would be left flying "solo" for the weekend, Mrs. Wilder (Dr. Cricket Sassafrass) and Mrs Fred (Princess Flirtaliscious) decided we needed to have a celebratory flamingo before the big trip. Mrs. 10pm (Tabletop Tessa), Mrs. Bim (Florence Naughtygale), Mrs. Chip Fontaine (Pera Honeydews) and Mrs. Crazy Ken (Judy Boom) all gathered at Wilder's for a night of food, fun, and of course, drunken booty shaking. Johnny told us he had brought back a few bombers from our favorite Delaware brewery, Dogfish Head. We had tried both of them at the GABF, but we wanted to let the other members have a taste so we first opened a Dogfish Head Chateau Jiahu (8.0%). This is a beer based on a 9000 year old clay pot found in China ("What the fuck is this, a fermented bottle of duck sauce?" asked Fred, the only curmudgeon on the planet that is under 70 years old, and who surely wouldn't be welcome at a United Nations conference). The label had a picture of what could have been a mirror image of Tessa's half step-aunt Jade who was an avant-garde nude fashion model in the late 70's that was famous for her Kanji tramp stamp that our Japanese correspondent Bim correctly translated to mean "please deposit here". We didn't think too highly of it in Denver but it tasted a little better from the bottle. This is a very unique beer that reminded Ken of a bottle of Welch's grape juice. 10pm took one sip and his facial expression said "Thanks for fucking poisoning me, this is fucking awful". Bim and Johnny said it was a so-so to good, while Crazy Ken secretly poured his into the spinach dip on the counter hoping nobody would notice. Maybe it wasn't that good after all, so we gave it a so-so and moved on to a Ska Brewing Local Series Clancy's Black Beer #16 (5.4%). This is a schwarzbier or literally "black beer" that is a homebrew entry from an oil worker in New Mexico named Clancy Calhoun. This one had a noticeable roasted caramel flavor that was quite interesting. It was thin in body but still packed alot of flavor so it got a good. Next was a Hitachino Nest XH (7.0%), a beer that is aged in sake casks. Sake of course is the traditional Japanese alcohol that most of us ignorant Westerners refer to as rice wine. Its actually more akin to beer, but with generally much higher alcohol content. This stubby bottle of strength had a powerful kick but went down as smooth as a 19 year old coed's g-stringed backside. You could really taste the sake barrel influence as the bite from the alcohol was tempered by the crisp rice aftertaste. Even though this was one listed in a recent article that Snake had found suggesting it was one of the 25 best beers in the world, we thought it only deserved a solid good, although we would surely drink it again. As the boys looked for more beers to sample, we noticed that the vino was flowing like Niagara Falls and the girls were getting a tad bit restless and flirty. The thing that usually happens about this time is that the dancing shoes come on and the girls start to boogie down. The entertainment coordinator of the group, The Deacon of Funk himself, J. Wilder busted out his boom box and Ipod and proceeded to flood the house with some rump rustling tunes. Nothing says a great time more than watching our smoking hot wives bouncing their juggies while they danced to wholesome songs like "I'm in Miami Bitch" and "Get Back". As we watched each and every one of the girls gyrating their junk trunks to the dope beats blaring from the speakers, we moved on to a Deschutes Brewing Hop in the Dark C.D.A. (6.5%). A "Cascadian Dark Ale", this is a new style of beer that the flannel wearing set up in the Pacific northwest call their black IPA's. This was slightly bitter like a good IPA, but was full of malty flavorful. Tarry in appearance, and not overly thick in body, Fred, Bim and Johnny loved it while Ken and 10pm thought it was so-so at best. We decided to make it a good since we had such disparate opinions on the beer. As the clock struck midnight, the girls were still shaking their money makers and we had one final beer to try, Dogfish Head Bitches Brew (9.0%), a mixture of imperial stout with honey and gesho root. The african themed label and the gesho root reminded Bim of his days as an undergrad working for UNICEF in Ethiopia back in the early 70's. "Ahhhh, the glorious gesho root, I remember planting and smoking it with the Ugiboogi tribe that I communed with in the Lake Tana region." "If it hadn't been for that bad case of dysentery that caused me to have to come home, I might still be living among those sex craved women that called me Donku Etongyajor or what the English speaking world would know as Gonad the Barbarian". As we cackled with laughter at the hilarious story of Bim's sordid tale of jungle fever, we all agreed that the beer was rated a really good. The honey gave the imperial stout a sweet undertone that balanced perfectly with the roasted malts. The beers were now done, the ladies had danced themselves silly and bedtime beckoned. We gave all the ladies hugs and wished them well on their trip as we looked forward to having them back with us safe and sound and ready to party again......

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Leftover Shitty Beer Night


It had been about a week since we made our now infamous jaunt to the Bier Garden in Old P-Town and The Taphouse in downtown Norfolk and the boys were anxious to drink some more beers. The problem was that our 4 neighborhood beer fridges were getting overstocked with what was frankly, shitty beers. Normally a bomber is the perfect size for sharing with the group, but occasionally we have to buy beers in 12 oz bottles, so we usually pick up 3 or 4 to ensure we all get a decent sample pour. The only issue with this is when the beer tastes like stale skunk saliva, you now have 2 or 3 more of them taking up valuable real estate in the beer cooler. What to do with all this asstastic flavor we asked, until Johnny Wilder sent out a text to the group that proclaimed this night as "Leftover shitty beer night", whereby we would dig deep into our beer drinking souls to come up with the courage to abuse our palates once again with the wretches of the craft brewing world. Seriously, some of these brewers should be ashamed that they actually sold what amounts to turpentine or leftovers from the deep fryer at Bojangles as beer. Not wanting to actually throw the beers away, or even potentially ruin the virgin taste buds of a future BC4M member by allowing them to poison themselves with this swill, we figured we could man up and stomach this batch of Drano. D-Rail (always a fan of cheap, shitty beers and low cost ladies of the night), Snake, Crazy Ken, Tank, Bim, 10pm Branigan and Fred gathered around Wilder's breakfast nook for a night that we hope will never be repeated. We pulled out some of the classics from the "I hope I never have to taste this shit again" collection for our night of gastrointestinal destruction such as Yuengling Porter (water with black mung coloring), Bell's Oarsmen (the scurvy prevention treatment for sailors that smelled like cheerios topped with cat urine), Michelob Bavarian Wheat (which Ken said, "Tastes warm and crappy even when its ice cold"). Since our moods began to follow the shitty beers we were choking down, we decided to perhaps crack open a "couple" of new beers to lighten the atmosphere. As we listened to some classic rock on the new 5000 watt home theater system jamming in the family room, Wilder pulled out a growler of Gordon Biersch Fest (5.6%). This one had the typical GB flavor that instantly gives it away, but it was still both malty and flavorful so it got a good. We moved on to a Paulaner Octoberfest (5.8%) that Snake and Bim had tried at the Bier Garden. Another solid good, this one was lighter and more full bodied than the Gordon Biersch, but equally as flavorful so it too got a good. Just as we were about to open our next beer, a classic Gordon Lightfoot song came on. As our ears were delighted by Bim's hauntingly dead on rendition of the classic sea faring tale "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald", we cracked open that classic Belgian-Brazilian-American lager, Budweiser (5.0%). "What the Fuck?" asked Fred, don't we already know this beer is as worthless as a jar of ball sweat? Bim, the parliamentarian of the group said in his steady calming voice, "You know we have to rate EVERY beer in the world, so suck it up Nancy". While we watched this can of swill get passed around, Tank remarked how he must have drank a case of Bud a day when he was the foreman for an all female roofing crew back home in Hoboken during the summer of 83. Tank said, "I had to get plowed, those were some big bitches", "and they were ALWAYS horny". Wilder added that he got his first taste of Bud when he was 7 after he had won a game of strip poker with his "exotic dancer" babysitter Bambi. "Damn I loved those cans" he reflected (we guessed he meant the cans of beer, but Wilder has always been a leg and ass man so maybe thats when he got hooked on Boo-Tays), as we gave a unanimous thumbs down to the beer itself. "This is fucking race car beer" said Bim, as we all agreed it rated a sucks. Next was a bottle of Lindeman's Framboise Lambic (2.5%). "What the hell is this, a bottle of cherry jello?" asked Snake. It smelled exceedingly sweet, and tasted like a desert wine, but damn was it smooth. "Last time I tasted something that smooth, I was face down and chin up between a candy striper named Trixie's thighs" said the noted cunning linguist D-Rail. Despite the fact that it packed the alcoholic wallop of a bowl of Fruity Pebbles we all enjoyed it and gave it a good. While we decided which beer was next on the list, Tank saw a lonely bottle of San Miguel sitting on the table. "Oh man, I remember my first trip to the P.I.", he recalled, "nothing but a case of San Miguel, a couple of coconuts and a Harley riding masseuse named Mathilda." "Boys, you ain't had your pipes cleaned until you have spent a few nights with that old dame". As we howled with laughter at the stories of our intrepid young sailor learning the ways of the female, we opened up a Ayinger Brau-Weisse (5.1%). As you know, we generally despise hefeweizens and their ilk due to their annoyingly clovey flavorings. This one was no different and it was like drinking a banana hammock drenched in spices. "Damn this shit sucks" said Snake as we all agreed that it was putrid at best. Wellpark Brewery's Tennent's Lager (4.0%) was an import from the wee laddies over in Glasgow. Another weakling had arrived from the Empire as this one was akin to drinking a Coors Light, namely nothing to it, sorta like cotton candy. This one was a so-so at best, but before we moved on to our final beer, Brassiere des Rocs (9.5%), 10pm said he had to get going. "What the fuck?" said Wilder, "its only 9:27, surely you don't have to get into your pj's already". "Guess his new nickname will be 9:27", said Fred, as we bid our princess goodnight. The des Rocs was a Grand Cru style (or big bold badass version of a regular beer) that was categorized as a Belgian Special Brown Ale. This one was molasses like in both texture and flavor and left us with a hearty case of tooth decay due to the abundance of sugars. Despite the impending trip to the dentist we would all be having to make, it was still a decent beer and it got a good. Not wanting to drink any more bottles of ineptitude, we called it a night, thankful we had cleaned out most of the dregs from our shelves, and thankful that we had at least gotten to try a few more new brews. Until next time, remember the immortal words from one of our blogging pals, "Life's too short to drink shitty beers".

Saturday, October 2, 2010

A BC4M road trip and beyond


As many of you may know, there is a small contingent in the BC4M that are what most would affectionately call "road whores". They possess a wandering spirit that has a thirst for adventure and a love for finding new experiences somewhere down the highway. These "rogues" love to spin yarns about the scantily clad "beer wenches"that they have run into at various watering holes across this great fruited plain that allow you to sip the rarest of beers from between their bountiful juggies. Bim had heard of such place in what the locals here know as P-Town but appears on the map as Portsmouth. It is a German restaurant and tavern called The Bier Garden. The list of beers they have is enormous and supposedly the Frauleins were like cougars so we decided we would make a rare BC4M pilgrimage to see what all the fuss was about. Snake, Fred, John Wilder and Bim were accompanied by a couple of chaperone's (Mrs. Bim and Mrs Fred) to make sure we abided by the look but don't touch rule in case we happened to be served by a couple of horny voluptuous vixens with a penchant for handsome craft beer drinkers. We ordered lunch and had a few tasty new beers while we sat back and enjoyed an unseasonably warm Saturday afternoon outside on the party pavilion. First up was an Ayinger Octoberfest (5.8%) which was malty and nutty with a hint of toasted bread flavor. A solid good, we also tried a Paulaner Octoberfest (5.8%) which was just as tasty. We also had a few beers previously rated like the RFG Trappists Rochefort 8 and the really good Dogfish Head Punk. Sadly, the waitress wasn't wearing lederhosen and she definitely wasn't letting us sip from her ample bosom, so after we finished up our lunch of various meats and sausages and cheeses, we loaded up the paddy wagon and headed over to Norfolk to try a few beers at The Taphouse. The decor screams musty dive bar, the floors are as sticky as the wet spot you made your girlfriend sleep on last night and the few patrons there all looked like they had just awoken from a 18 hour bongathon. Despite the fact we probably needed a tetanus booster from just being there, we ordered up a few new beers including Victory Hop Devil IPA (6.7%) which had just enough hop bite without pulling the enamel off your teeth so it got a good. We also had a Bear Republic Hop Rod Rye Ale (8.0%) that tasted like it should be used as the basis for a reuben sandwich. Dry and bitter, it was only a so-so. We then tried a Abita Restoration Pale Ale (5.0%) which lacked any distinguishing character and was just a plain nondescript beer that is similar to what a generic cereal is, cause if the knock-off brand tasted as good as Cap'n Crunch we wouldn't be calling it Colossal Crunch. The last beer we tried before we left was Duchesse de Bourgogne (6.2%) a Flanders style red ale that was sour and a little vinegary but still smooth as silk. It rated a good although the girls thought it tasted like a glass of red wine vinegar. Knowing we had to make it back home before the zombies came out after dark, we cruised back to the hood for a backyard fiesta at Casa de Snake. Since we had only eaten about 10 pounds of meat for lunch, Snake curbed our hunger pains by grilling up about 4 dozen brats and sausages for dinner. We sat under the stars on his recently remodeled deck thats is bigger than most double wides. While we grubbed out we tried some more new beers. First was Spaten Oktoberfest (5.9%), which was watery and a little skunky. "Damn Krauts", said Fred "always sending us this skunk piss, when will they get over the fact we kicked their schnitzel loving asses in two wars?" Compared to the Oktoberfest's we had earlier, this one was a dud and got a so-so. Next was a J.W. Dundee Octoberfest (5.5%) which was just as watery as the first one but smelled a lot nicer. The taste again was marginal, so it too got a so-so. Next was a Jolly Pumpkin Madrugada Obscura Dark Dawn Stout (8.1%). Featuring a label that had a rubenesque succubus with a bodacious backside and tiny funbags, the beer was both a sour and stout at the same time. "This is the most unusual beer I have ever tasted" said Bim, as Fred added, "How the fuck can you make a stout taste sour but yet be so flippin good?". An amazingly different beer, this one was really good and we would definitely drink it again. The final beer of the day was Troeg's Hopback Amber Ale (6.0%). This is the definition of a good session beer. Full of flavor and easy drinking, this one is the kind of beer you buy by the case. A solid good, we downed our glasses and then made our way home after a long beer filled day. The rogue faction of the BC4M might just be on to something with these day trips, seems like we are gonna have to make this kinda thing happen more often. Until next time.......Prosit!