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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Monday, July 25, 2011

Road Trip to Foothills, Part II

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?? Probably not a fucking thing unless you are a self-loathing chunky monkey with an addiction to sweets. But for a Foothills Brewing Barrel Aged Sexual Chocolate, I’d have a three-way with your grandma and her 90 year old friend Mildred. Or, in this case, leave the comfort of our homes after midnight and drive to Winston-Salem North Carolina packed in the BC4M beer wagon like a can of mustard drenched sardines.

Driving under the brilliance of a full moon sky, our group arrived at 4:30 AM, tired, hungry, and soon to be wet, as the rain began to fall immediately upon arrival at the Winston-Salem city limits. The line for the beer stretched almost 2 blocks by then and it looked as if it had been raining hippies, with their smelly, unkempt carcasses littering the sidewalk in various stages of either inebriation, slumber, or both. Bim, the resident hippiologist, pointed out how unique an opportunity it was for us to observe hippies in the wild, in their natural habitat. He warned us not to feed them, make direct eye contact, or give them change, but we could offer them beer, as long as we did not share cups. Hippies are known to carry a variety of diseases, both known and unknown to modern medicine.  As we sat in the rain, happy to finally be at the brewery, we watched the methadone clinic across the street beginning to open for the day. Starting at 5 am, the drug addicts began showing up in their beater cars. Not sure why, but there seems to be a direct correlation between narcotics addiction and lack of mufflers. These people hate mufflers! We were amused by these folks, watching as they lined up in the rain to get their methadone. Some of them undoubtedly traveling long distances for their fix, only to have to line up like sheep in the pouring rain. That’s when the irony hit us… we’re a lot alike. Except that we have better cars, bigger houses, better healthcare, all our teeth, no drug addictions, steady employment, still on speaking terms with our families, no arrest record, have never sold our ass for drugs (yet), we like mufflers, and we generally have better personal hygiene. If you take all those things out of the equation, we’re alike. Oh, and we love great beer and they don’t, which may be of some significance. But really, that’s all that separates us from them.
We had a good time sitting in line huddled around the portable grill while Nestle Goodbody cooked us up some delicious steak and egg burritos as we chatted and drank with our new pals like Pike and his buddies who were happy to share beers with us. We even had the pleasure of sampling some of Pike's homebrewed stout, aptly named Charlie Murphy, The Darkness (11.0%). It was better than a lot of commercial stouts we’ve had but it lacked the barrel aging taste as we later learned his home brewing secret was to just "add a few shots o'whiskey in the batch". We also would like to give thanks to our new Twitter buddy from South Carolina, Chris (@scbeerguy) who traded us some KBS and the drunken young Ernest Hemingway wannabe from who got wet in the jammies while flirting with Nestle and Cricket and then happily traded us a Lost Abbey Red Poppy for a chance to get an up close and personal inspection of Bim's zebra striped man hammock. And lastly, we’d also like to thank the two anonymous guys who traded us a Dogfish Head / 3 Floyd's Poppa Skull and a Coast Brewing Boy King DIPA, two amazing surprises While we were there we got to try a few beers on draft. Foothills Coffee and Vanilla Bean Randalled People's Porter (7.0%) was decent but tasted a little like the 3 day old remains of a carafe of coffee left on the burner too long so it got a so/so. The Foothills Bourbon Barrel People's Porter (7.0%) was fantastic, with a super rich chocolate taste that had just the slightest hint of bourbon taste although it smelled like a freshly opened flask of Fightin Cock. We also made our now traditional run to City Beverage to stock up on some more goodies. While we were there, we tried a Great Lakes Brewing Lake Erie Monster (9.0%), an Imperial IPA that was fruity and full of fresh hop flavor. Not quite Pliny the Elder, it was phenomenal nonetheless and rated a really good. After we picked up our 20 bottles of BA Sexy Cocoa, we began the seemingly endless journey home. Even after downing a case of 5 hour energies, Fred was too exhausted to continue to pilot us home, so Bim took over behind the wheel. Evidently, when you get close to 50 years old, your prostate swells up to the size of a musk melon, cause like a 6 year old girl, he had to stop and pee every 2 fucking miles. Thankfully, we made it home before sundown and we each passed out from exhaustion. Another successful mission, we look forward to invading downtown Winston Salem in August for the release of Olde Rabbits Foot, the three way collaboration barrel aged stout from Foothills, Duck Rabbit and Olde Hickory.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

BC4M Bodacious Barleywine Fest 2011

After the smashing success of our inaugural BC4M Sour Fest, Fred thought it would be a great idea to come up with a second theme based night, so he had BC4M communications czar Bim threw out an invite to the first annual BC4M Bodacious Barleywine Fest. Barleywines, like a great pair of DD's are ripe with intense and bold flavors, offer delicious comfort and warmth on chilly nights and can make your tongue sore if you play with them too long. The biggest crowd in BC4M history showed up at Bim's to partake in a night that in the immortal words of Dodgeball's Cotton McKnight, would "separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys and the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadien". We also had the privilege of meeting one of our followers on Twitter, an ob/gyn by the name of Dr. Harry Feltersnatch, who was promptly greeted at the door by our own playful veterinarian gynecologist Bim, playing the role of Cutter Spindel performing live as Dr. Blake Downs.
Instead of being freaked out like most people would be, Doctor F who had just gotten out of a grueling 12 hour emergency room battle to remove a half dozen ping pong balls from the "orifice" of a 43 year old Czech stripper named Mustuffa Urpoli who had somehow "accidently" fallen on them while dancing at a frat party, laughed like a crazed hyena at our own Doctor with the "healing power of laughter". Once again we also welcomed our newest member, craft beer guru The Drunken Polack, who was accompanied by his better half, an adorable delight named Bambi Malibu who spends her days as an au pair for an orphaned pair of womanizing chimps. We gathered around the dining room table since we had upwards of 16 people looking to get a taste of some of the offerings. First up was a North Coast '09 Old Stock Cellar Reserve Ale (13.16%). This one is aged in bourbon barrels and was slighty boozy with a finish that wasn't quite as smooth as the first sip but it still tasted amazing. A really good to start the night off, we looked at the bewildering assortment of beers and knew it was gonna be another typical booze-a-palooza that generally ends with most of us waking up feeling like we went 12 rounds with "Cassius Clay". Next was a gift from the good Dr. Longfinger, a Drakes Denogginator Imperial IPA (9.75%). Of course we realize that it was Barleywine night, but we love the hop bombs so we eagerly drank this luscious nectar that was full of piney aroma and hoppy goodness. "That is some good shit boys" said Snake, as Bim added, "Oh hell yes, I like this, I like this alot". We gave this one a really good as well, so we watched as the Polack then pulled out a 3 year old Alesmith Decadence (11.0%), an English style barleywine that according to Crazy Ken was, "a bit light in the loafers" since it tasted like a summer time pool beer, not an eleven percent panty peeler. Still, the taste was decent, so we rated it a good. Next was a Brooklyn Brewing Monster Ale (10.1%), which was just a complete train wreck. "This is fucking awful" said Fred, as Bim added, " I would rather drink the runoff from a piss stained lace doilie than drink another drip of this crap". Sucks was being kind to this garbage, so we moved on to a Bell's 3rd Coast Old Ale (10.2%). Decent and easy to drink, this malty loaf of love had a blast of heat for the residual alcohol that made it seem almost like downing a bottle of Everclear. Merely a good, we then cracked open a Flossmoor Station Hi-Fi Rye Barleywine (11.0%). The label claimed that this was an ale brewed with caraway seeds in the "barleywine" tradition, to give it a slightly rye bread taste. Whatever they did, this was another gem that Dr. Hockenlugees had brought from his collection and it was another really good. By this time, we were well on our way to being shithoused, so we kept the party going with an Epic Brewing Barleywine (10.1%). Nothing like a watery mess of a beer to cause you to lose your beer woody, as this one would be good if it was by itself, but alongside the heavyweights we had already tried, it was like a toothless poodle dry humping your weedeater, basically worthless. "I wouldn't mind seeing some of that action" said Bim.  A so/so at best, we then opened an Alaskan Brewing Big Nugget Barleywine (10.4%), which was a shot over the bow, as we each took a nad knocker to the chin with this boozy beast. Delicious and malty with a slight hint of caramel and toffee, there were very little hops to be found but there was a lot of sultry heat in this bitch, so we rated it a really good. Next was a Pelican Pub and Brewery Mother of all Storms (13.5%). Smelling like a sticky sweet bourbon pie, this was an amazing treat that had a perfect balance of heat and sugary goodness. "Holy fucking shit that is good" said Wilder, as we realized we had indeed tasted the newest member of the RFG club. Lagunitas Olde Gnarlywine (10.6%) was next, and it was a bit of a letdown compared to the Mother, as it tasted a bit too hoppy for a barleywine although it did have a powerful bagel like aroma. It was still decent earning a solid good. By this time, bullshit was free flowing around the table, and we got caught up listening to a heated discussion between our two Doctors as they tried to one up each other in describing objects they have found crammed inside various local vagizzles. The topper was Bim's description of the whitish substance he found inside "a smoking hot coed", that to him "looked like egg salad, so I made a sandwich out of it for lunch". That visual caused most of the remaining drunkards to toss their cookies, so after a quick cleanup on aisle 12, we opened up a Hair of the Dog Doggie Claws (11.0%). This one was "bottle conditioned" but the taste was more like "ass of the dog" according to D-Rail, to which Bim replied, "Don't knock it till you've tried it sister". So/so at best, we changed gears and pulled out a gift from Julie at our favorite bottle shop in Asheville, NC, Bruisin Ales. The Sweetwater Happy Ending 2008 (9.0%) is an Imperial Stout that still delivers even after a three year wait, much like the best rub and tug joint in town. This is one hoppy stout, full of rich chocolate flavors, rating a really good. Tyranena Brewing's Down and Dirty Chocolate Oatmeal Stout (6.3%) was another tasty sideshow in our barleywine circus, offering a Quaker oats chocolate milkshake in a glass that was a solid good. Next was a Cigar City Cubano Espresso Brown Ale (5.5%), a wake up and start the day Folger's cup of coffee that had an amazing nose and a roasted coffee flavor. "I could sure as fuck use one of these tomorrow morning" said Wilder to a beer we rated a good. We then opened up the special surprise of the night, a growler that Dr. Itchy Biscuit brought that was destined to be a crowd pleaser. Barley John's Dark Knight Returns (13%), poured like the shine on a thunderstorm slickened interstate, and the taste was that of an afterburner fueled by shit kickers. "No fucking way this is a porter" said Fred, as we sipped a bourbon barrel monster that was smooth and fiery. "This is fucking amazing" said Dr. Lovemonger, as we raised a glass to toast the superb collection of beers he had brought to the table. Without a doubt the best porter we had ever tasted, it easily achieved an RFG, so we each drank another glass of this liquid beast before we finished the night with one final beer, a Fifty-Fifty Imperial Eclipse - Four Roses Bourbon Barrel (9.5%). By this time, our tongues were cooked, and this fine beer suffered because if it. Bourbon barrel stouts are among our favorites, but this seemed a bit weak compared to the booze-zilla we just drank in Dark Knight. We look forward to trying this one again when we get a batch from the release later this year, but for now, it only got a good as it was simply overwhelmed by Dark Knight. Thoroughly drunk, we stumbled out back to participate in our traditional bottle toss, and we watched as multiple throws ended up severely off target and pissed our banana sleeves at one angry wayward toss thrown by the still thinking he is a college pitcher Fred that almost decapitated a group of gnomes who looked like they were enjoying a consensual 3 way in the flower bed. "Hey man, your fucking up my mojo" said one of the perverted little dwarves who had narrowly escaped death, so we called it a night and stumbled on home. Another fantastic evening in the books, two new RFG's added to the list.......until next time....Cheers!

Friday, July 15, 2011

BC4M Sour Fest 2011

A few weeks back Fred was surfing Internet porn sites one afternoon and somehow between clicking on world renowned sites such as "" and "bukakke wives", stumbled across a news report that said Stone Brewing was having a "Sour fest" in the coming weeks. Knowing that the BC4M wouldn't be able to fly to the land of "fruits, nuts and tree hugging banana slug lovers" in time to partake in what appeared to be a phenomenal beer festival, your favorite beer chugging hooligans decided to stage the first annual "BC4M Sour Fest". We called our newest member, The Drunken Polack, and invited him over to join us for a night of tongue curling excitement. Fred even spent half an afternoon printing up a fancy menus on parchment paper to make it look like we were participating in a "serious" event.
The first beer of the night was an Oude Kriek Boon (6.5%). This one was so tart that one BC4M member declared, "This shit is so sour, my tongue just crawled up my ass". Snake added, "This is like drinking a piece of sour Big Red gum" to which Bim replied,
"if you dont chew Big Red, then Fuck You!" Even though the bottle poured a weeks worth of aquarium sediment into our tasting glasses, the flavor was deliciously tart and so it garnered a good. Next up was a New Belgium w/ Allagash Lips of Faith Vrienden (8.5%). This one is brewed with hibiscus and endives (or chicory). "Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to throw cabbage leaves in a beer?" said Fred as we commenced to try a beer that was about as exciting as a night in a Motel 6 hot tub with a middle aged english teacher hopped up on "X" named Miss Crabcrotch who sported a hairy upper lip and a case of the gout. "This shit fucking sucks" said Bim as we basically poured out a substance that should be re-classified by the E.P.A. as a toxic waste. Next was a second tasting of Raccoon Lodge and Brewpub's Cascade The Bourbonic Plague (11.5%). This is an amazingly complex beer that blends strong dark porters and ages them in oak barrels for up to 14 months. Rich, smooth and full of flavor, the vanilla bean character comes out at you with a hint of sour funk. This one is a winner and received a really good. We then went to the fridge and pulled out a Deschutes The Dissident 2010 Reserve (10.5%). A Flanders Oud Bruin, it is slightly vinegary with just the slightest hint of sweetness. It seemed just a tad bit flat, so we only rated it a good. Next we had a Jolly Pumpkin La Roja (7.2%). Featuring a label on the bottle that sported a pole smoking feline in the tradition of Broadway musicals about garish pantaloon and sash wearing butt pirates, we were surprised to find that the amber ale inside had just the right amount of tartness without making you feel like you just downed a handful of sour gummy worms. Another solid good, we moved on to a De Proef Reinaert Flemish Wild Ale (9.0%). This one promised triple fermentation and wild yeast in the lambic tradition, but in the end, all we tasted was a glass full of "creamed corn" according to Fred's better half Nestle Goodbody. "This one reminds me of the yeast infection I fought on one of my patients" said Bim, as he proceeded to retell the story of culturing a loaf of sourdough from a toothless crack addict he had tended to at the local free clinic he does volunteer work at. "I would rather tongue wrestle the dirty bellybutton of a bed pan cleaner than drink another drop of this crap" he added. A clear sucks, we washed out our tasters and moved on to a bottle of New Belgium La Folie 2011 (6.0%). Better than the previous New Belgium entry, it was a decent interpretation of the classic Rodenbach style sour red and it took home a good rating. Hoping to continue our luck we then opened a bottle of Brouwerij Van Honsebrouck Gueze Fond Tradition (5.0%). After watching a volcanic explosion of carbonation dissipate, we were rewarded with the tartest sour of the night so far. Crisp, incredibly sour and as cloudy as a hurricane filled sky, the sharp bite of the sour demon inside was just a bit to much for the assembled crowd and only one person voted for good, while the majority claimed it was a so-so. Not deterred by the mouth puckering spasms created by the Gueze, we turned to a Raccoon Lodge and Brewpub Cascade Kriek Ale (7.1%) , a Flanders Red that is aged in oak barrels. This one is more sweet than sour but still gives your mouth that subtle vinegary flavor that you might get from a bottle of aged wine. This one was a crowd pleaser as it got a really good rating, making it one of the better beers of the night. Next was a Brouwerij Van Honsebrouck Kasteel Rouge (8.0%), which is more of a fruit beet than a true sour. Opening this one produced a bouquet of black cherry aromas that made us think we were opening a can of soda instead of beer. "No fucking way this is 8 percent" said Wilder as he sipped this dark red treat that reminded most of us of a Luden's cough drop. Indeed, it was much more fruity than sour, but it did have a very soft sour undertone and so it got a good. Moving on, we opened a Cantillon Iris (5.0%), a 2006 vintage that held loads of promise. Cantillon is considered one of the greatest makers of sours in the world, so we were excited about trying this one. Smelling like a can of musty lemon Pledge, the taste was even worse than the smell. Even D-Rail, whose stomach liner frequently endures the scarring from being subjected to copious amounts of "el diablo del douche" or in frat house parlance, Bud Light, suggested that he couldn't stomach another sip of this "horrible shit". Bim, who sometimes moonlights as a "maid for hire" named "Dusty Hammerjacker" proclaimed, "There ain't a cum stained pillowcase in town that this shit couldn't make squeaky clean". This one was a complete let down and garnered a sucks in the process, but most of their other stuff is world class so if you can get a bottle of their wares, do yourself a favor and pick some up. An Italian sour was up next, the Panil Barriquee (8.0%), which is self proclaimed as the "only all natural, traditional" sour made in the world. A newly arrived 10 pm took the first sip and said, "Thats sour!", followed by his usual immediate declaration of "not sure I care for it". This one was a split vote, as the sourness overwhelmed the sweetness that was trying to come out, and perhaps with a little aging, this one will mature into a more balanced elixir. For now, a simple good was the rating, so we then moved on to a De Proef Zoetzuur (7.0%), a beer we had previously tried and liked quite a bit. The name is Flemish for "sweet-sour", and it is made by combining Belgian Kriek with a standard base ale. The taste was off in this bottle as it was neither tart nor sweet and had a stale musty taste that screamed either barnyard funk or freshly filled baby diapers. "Like chewing on a bale of wet hay" said Fred, as Wilder added, "wet from the horse piss that just got sprayed on it", so we only gave this one a so-so. Next was a bottle of the collaboration beer from The Bruery & Cigar City, ISO:FT (9.0%). Taking their tasty Marron Acidifie and adding California dates and Florida guava, this one is classified as an American wild ale that was quite tart and dry on the tongue. A solid good, it will also probably age well and get more robust and balanced with time. The final sour of the night was a Brouwerij Rodenbach Grand Cru (6.0%). This one is a blend of beers at various ages that are then allowed to mature in oak vats. It is described as having a balsamic vinegar like flavor, but it was slightly more fruity than vinegary. Various fruit flavors like blackberries, raspberries and wild cherries all mingled into a fantastically crisp and slightly dry finish that was very refreshing. This one was the highlight of the night and it got a really good. By this time, our tongues had been abused like the meat flaps of a roadside floozy after a 12 man gang bang, so we decided to end the night with an Alesmith X (5.0%). This one is a simple pale ale, and although we at the BC4M are serious hopheads, this one is quite nice in its own right as it delivers a clean fresh taste without dive bombing your taste buds with a Normandy style hop invasion. A solid good, this is the type of beer you use for introducing your pop-collared, tribal arm band tattooed brother in law into the world of "real" beer and not the lame watered down "frost-brewed" zebra urine he normally chugs down like a chihuahua in heat. By now we were all a bit toasty, and some of the members had to work the next day,  so we decided to call it a night by watching Fred and Wilder do a rousing rendition of that timeless FM staple, Escape, The Pina Colada Song.....................