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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

BC4M bids farewell to Dr. Gunthumper

Another week and yet another birthday was upon the BC4M as our beloved world traveling big game hunter, Snake, was turning 48, or was that 58? To answer that question, we have sent Freedom Of Information Act requests to not only the Social Security Administration, but Ducks Unlimited as well as the AARP. We are also anxiously awaiting the results from DNA testing at the Centers for Disease Control on some of Snake's hair follicles that he left behind after a pillow fight with a six pack of young "beavers" to determine just how old his crusty ass is. At the same time, we were sadly bidding farewell to our newest associate member, Dr. Luscious (pronounced LOO-SHUS) Gunthumper. Dr G,  Bim's closest associate at the local "free clinic", had recently been attending our weekly meetings and was poised to become the youngest member of the BC4M had it not been for his falling madly in lust with one of his patients. It seems our young lothario once had a secret past as a strip o'gram performer and cabaret singer that was unknown to anyone that wasn't light in the loafers or living in Ghent until that fateful day when a former recipient of his famous "blindfold surprise"  had shown up at the clinic with a stubborn case of vaginal itching resulting from a late night clitoral piercing gone bad. Upon entering the examining room, Luscious was immediately taken back to that fateful day when he had played an illicit game of "roasting the broomstick" with the thoroughly buxom yet innocent vixen that had suddenly gone 'goth' who was now anxiously awaiting more his soft touches, soothing vocals and most importantly, gyrating hip action. Who was this minx that captivated the empty soul of our young intern you might ask. Peaches Huggybottoms was the naive young lass that had become addicted to lap dances after receiving her first at the hands of our dancing doctor. She had gone on to spend a large chunk of her husbands retirement savings on an endless supply of beef stick and cheap tequila, always hopeful to once again be gazing up at the meat hammock of her first love, Dr. G. Touched by her heart warming story of love triumphing over both an empty bank account and a restraining order filed against her by a male dancer named Biff, who had mistakenly confided to her that he liked to wear her panties, Luscious decided to go against common sense and take her out for a romantic night of "furry play" that cemented their status as soul mates. Since this was his last night in town before he was to head out with Peaches in her deluxe RV for a month long trip to catch every show on Justin Beiber's sold out teeny bopper tour, we decided to send him off in true BC4M style. First up was a Founder's Blushing Monk (9.2%). Smelling like a fresh jar of raspberry preserves, this is one sensuous beer. Highly carbonated from its Belgian yeast, it is extremely rich and decadent, and was almost as good as the fruit beers from New Glarus. Really good was the score, so we moved on to a Laughing Dog Barrel Aged The Dogfather (11.0%). We had previously rated this one, but since Dr G likes his stouts like he likes his patients, dark and inviting, we poured him some of this sweet and boozy stout. A solid good, we then tried a Speakeasy Imperial Red Ale (8.2%) from that bastion of conservative values, San Franfreako. Despite hailing from the butt wrangler capitol of the planet, the beer was decent albeit a slight bit too malty for most of the attendees. Easy drinking though, it would make a solid session beer and earned a good. Next was a New Belgium Lips of Faith Kick (8.5%). Claiming to be made with pumpkins, the jackolantern covered bottle was instead the holder of a delicious sour that wasn't overpowering. "Damn this shit is awesome" said Fred as Frank the Tank added, "Pumpkins my ass, but its good". Another damn fine beer, we gave it a good and headed on to a New Belgium Hoptober (6.0%). Slightly hoppy, this is supposed to be a souped up version of Fat Tire, their everyday beer. This one is much better than Fat Tire and at $3 bucks a bomber, this is a great beer for enticing those tight boy shorts off your girl while not breaking the bank and forcing you to eat off the 99 cent menu. Another good, we cracked open a Troeg's Perpetual IPA (7.5%) from our favorite brewer in the Quaker state. Even hoppier than the last beer, this one was a hop bomb reminiscent of our favorites from the west coast and earned a really good. Continuing the hop parade, we tried a COAST Brewing HopArt (7.7%) which we had received from our buddy SCBeerguy. Despite the fact that the bottle was over a year old, we dived into it hoping to find the hop flavors still there. Sadly, it seems that the freshness date had long since passed by, so this one was off tasting and this old and decrepit bottle scored only a so-so. Next was another trader, this time it was a Bootlegger's Brewing Plum Riot (7.8%). Made with rock candy and plums, the bottle had a sick label featuring what looked like a plum jacked up on crystal meth and hankering for a half dozen slim jims. If only the beer tasted as good as the label looked as it was instead a weird mix of sugary sweet and Belgiany yeast that caused many of us to pour it out. A so-so was being kind, so we then decided to try a beer from a new Virginia brewery, the Roanoke Railhouse Loose Caboose (7.8%). This had about as much hops as a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, and the malt base coated the tongue like an oil slick. "This shit sucks" bellowed Fred, as Bim added, "Fuck, even I can make better beer than this". A check of their website shows that they don't even call the beer Loose Caboose anymore, its now just Caboose. Either way, it flat out sucks and is a strict drain pour. Hoping to finish the night on a good note, Fred went and retrieved a Goose Island Bourbon County Stout (2008 Version) (13.0%). Pouring out as dark as the underside of Oprah's left milk wagon, this is one amazing beer indeed. Sweet, rich chocolate and vanilla collide with a bourbon barrel oak flavor to create perfection in a glass. "Now that is fucking awesome" said Dr G, while Snake added, "I could drink this all damn night". An easy RFG, we savored each and every sip of this too soon gone delight. We then decided to call it a night as our departing Doctor had an early morning rendezvous for a brazilian man waxing under the careful hand of his beloved Peaches and her maniacal best friend Soo Hang-low. As we got up to leave, Wilder cranked up a soulful hit from his bottomless Ipod playlist that perfectly described the unique bond shared between the two lovebirds, the timeless classic from the brother's Gibb, More than a Woman.......

Wherever the road of life takes you brother, know you are always welcome to come back and join us for a cold one......

Friday, September 23, 2011

BC4M Doing It Doggy Style

As part of his job as a condom salesman, Crazy Ken recently traveled to Lexington Virginia to restock the gas station rubber machines with French Ticklers , Little Willy's, and generic condoms. Ken is a staunch supporter of condom use, often marching in area gay pride parades, spewing his message of condom awareness. However, putting all business aside, he stopped at a little brewery in Lexington called Blue Lab Brewing. While there, he picked up three growlers of their beers, IPA, Fresh Hopped IPA, and Stout. We started with the Blue Lab IPA (6%). Right from the start this one tasted familiar. Not the cigarette and Virginia Gentleman breath of a Norfolk hooker familiar, but something equally disturbing. This beer was a not so distant cousin of the CHC Brewing's homebrew, which is not a good thing. In a charitable move, we rated it a so/so. Next up was the Blue Lab Fresh Hopped IPA (6%). This beer was peppery, hoppy, with too little carbonation and too much homebrew bad taste. It was mentioned that it may have been made with the ball sweat of VMI cadets. It rated a sucks. And last up from this brewery was the Blue Lab Stout (4%). While by far the best of the three, it still had a bit of a homebrew taste and rated a split decision between so/so and good.
Having made short work of the Blue Labs, we proceeded to finish off the Thirsty Dog Brewing beers that Ken brought back after a condom stocking trip to Ohio. Ken was able to visit the brewery while there, but it wasn't long before Ken and his dog Butch were asked to leave after Butch became intoxicated and shit all over the tasting room floor. We started with the Thirsty Dog Raspberry Ale (3.9%). I haven't had beer this weak since I was 18 and drinking 3.2% beer in Ohio. This shit was weak, but had a nice raspberry smell and mild raspberry taste. Despite the light body, it rated a good. Next was the Thirsty Dog 75th Anniversary Ale (5.2%). We didn't bother to read the bottle, so we have no idea what 75th anniversary this ale celebrates. I would like to think it was the 75th anniversary of Popeye because "it is what it is and it ain't what it ain't." It's a good session beer, and rated so. Thirsty Dog Old Leghumper Robust Porter (6.7%) was a really nice porter. Smooth and dark as night, rating it a good. We then cracked open a Thirsty Dog Lock 3 German Style Lager (5.9%). It was agreed that the first sip tasted like ass, but by the third sip it was pretty good and rated so. And lastly, we tried the Thirsty Dog Siberian Night Imperial Stout (9.7%). This beer was good. It had a melted milkshake consistency, and it was a nice stout. However, it sure ain't Black Tuesday, and so it rated only a good. The general consensus was that Thirsty Dog makes some pretty good session beers. And with that, the BC4M doggystyle night was over, Woof Woof!  

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Fred turns 40, AGAIN

Recently, the BC4M had a chance to welcome one of Bim's co-workers Dr. Luscious Gunthumper, a rising young star in the suddenly ultra competitive gastro-intestinal field that goes by the call sign "Harry Colonic" over for a meeting. On this particular night, the BC4M was gathered at Fred's to once again celebrate his 40th birthday, an annual tradition started two years prior when he actually achieved that milestone. That first edition of his birthday bash had gone on to achieve legendary status in the hood after seeing some of the ladies doing coed keg stands, and "vodka ice luges", but was topped off by some witnesses reportedly seeing Fred going down the pool slide multiple times wearing only a mischievous grin and his birthday suit. This year however, Fred's better half, the delightfully feisty Nestle Goodbody had put her foot down and declared the pool and hot tub off limits for naked folk, but the rest was fair game. While the girls gathered in the kitchen to tarry at the grape and kill off bottles of some sort of magic panty peeling potion called Hypnotic, a veritable who's who of the BC4M membership showed up to welcome our guest and enjoy a buffet of NC style BBQ and chicken fingers. Snake, Wilder, D-Rail, Bim, Big Mike, OMT, Frank the Tank, Crazy Ken, Fred and 10pm said hello to not only Dr. G but also 10pm's brother, a professional cyclist turned home brewer named Howard Stout. Howie, one of a handful of survivors of the treacherous 2007 Tour de Kabul that saw 15 cyclists killed by a wayward goat herder hopped up on a combination of crystal meth and a belly full of sausage gravy, was in town to participate in the annual "Sand Grundle Invitational", an exhausting 40 mile sprint along water moccasin infested trails deep inside Back Bay. He had brought a sample of his home brew, so we decided to start the night with his Howard Stout Brewing Do or Die Rye (5.5%). This one poured a ruby red with a noticeable amount of chunks left over in the bottle. The taste was pretty good, as it got BC4M brewmaster Bim to tell Howard, "Fuck you, this is damn good". Everyone agreed, this tasted better than many of the commercial beers we had previously rated, and it would make a good session beer. A solid good, we then tried a Great Crescent Bourbon Barrel Stout (7.5%). As you know, we love the bourbon barrel aged beers, but this pile of dog shit had as much bourbon taste as a four day old bowl of soured oatmeal. A so so at best, we moved on to a beer that remarkably was even worse. Craggie Brewing's Burning Barrel:Bourbon Chipotle Porter (5.9%) was as much fun to taste as sharing a growler full of greasy donkey ball sweat. Wilder had purchased it back when we were in Winston Salem for the Barrel Aged Sexual Chocolate release because Fred had thought at the time, "that shit sounds good". Whatever it is that these morons do to the beer, they need to stop, because the beer has a soul as empty as Bim's after he has finished caressing your pet chinchilla Mr Squeeky. This one was a complete drain pour and rated a sucks so we cleansed our palates and cracked open a Jackie O's Oil of Aphrodite (10.0%). Bim had gotten his hands on this beer recently as a token of appreciation from the "Council of Gangrel" for filling in as a guest "wizard" at their weekly LARP gathering while back home in Ohio. The bottle claimed it was a double stout brewed with walnuts, and the taste backed the label up. "A springboard for true nuttiness" said Howard, as we were intrigued by the walnut flavor that gave way to a charcoal like ending but wondering just what the fuck he meant by that. "This needs to age a bit" said Snake, "I bet it gets a whole lot smoother with time". A decent beer, we gave it a good and then tried an Ithaca Brewing Old Habit (9.0%). This one shot out of the glass like a money shot from everybodys favorite adult film star,  "The Milkman". "Damn, what is this, Zima?" said Wilder. Sweet and bubbly, this is a crisp and tart, sorta like a wine spritzer. "What is this, the wine club for pussies?" said Snake, "get this shit out of here" he added. So so at best, we then decided it was time to open up a DuClaw Colossus (21.92%). This beast poured like the Mount Vesuvius of sugar, as you could smell the sticky sweetness in the air as the bottle was passed around. "Holy fuck, I can already feel the cavities forming" said Wilder, as we sipped on this super rich delight that hinted at being a barleywine, but also had smooth velvety finish. This one was a winner, and it received a unanimous really good. Next was a fresh bottle of Kern River Citra DIPA (8.0%) that we had received in trade from our pals Kasey and Ryan out in California. This one smelled amazing as we sniffed the floral nose that said, "fuck yes that's grapefruit". Wow, this one hits the tastes buds so smooth and with a huge rush of hops. An amazing beer, the room was evenly split between really good and RFG, so we had to settle for really good. Next was another trading bottle from the land of fruits, nuts and liberals, this time from our friends Patty and Derek who had sent us an Alpine Exponential Hoppiness (11.0%). Alpine makes some of the best beers on the planet, and this one was simply to quote Fred, "outfuckinstanding". Hops assault your tongue with a hidden alcohol bomb that goes down without a hiccup. "That is sure as fuck an RFG" said Bim, as we enjoyed this immensely tasty worthy peer to our beloved Pliny. Trying to keep the mood going, we then opened a Cigar City Papaya IPA (7.5%). Brewed with unsweetened dried papaya, this one had a very unique taste. Dr G immediately said, "this is awful, like a moldy pop-tart", but everyone else said it was either "interesting" or "not too bad" so it got a good. It probably suffered from having followed the two nearly perfect beers prior, so maybe we will try this one another time. Moving on, we opened a The Bruery 100% Barrel Aged Cuir (14.5%), their 3rd anniversary beer. As many of you may know, Fred and Nestle got to meet Bruery founder Patrick Rue while they were out on a 5 day beer drinking marathon earlier this year in California. Fred, the chairman of the BC4M's right wing faction had asked Patrick just how the hell you pronounced the name of this beer, and like a college lad discovering the joys of "dutch ovening" your new girlfriend, he got a chuckle upon learning the proper way to say it is QUEER. The regular version had been rated earlier and was still green and needed aging, but this one is super rich, sweet and boozy, sorta like that Aunt with the floppy cans that likes to give u hug after hug at Christmas time. The jokes were flying while we sipped this, as Dr G added, "I really like the Cuir" while Bim added, "it goes in and around the mouth so easily". Despite the name (it means leather in French, the traditional third anniversary item), it was easily an RFG, so we happily moved on to a The Bruery Batch 300 Trippel (8.2%), a homebrew contest winner that is an oaked trippel brewed with those delicious Citra hops. This one was pretty damn good, and BC4M head brewer Bim once again shouted out, "Another fucking homebrew that tastes awesome, well fuck him!" A solid good, we then tried a DuClaw Naked Fish (4.6%), a raspberry chocolate stout that tasted like a watery Whitman's sampler cordial. "This shit sucks" said Snake, as we were all let down by this watery mess. If they could make it more robust and richer in body they would have a winner, but this is thinner than a melted Andes mint. So-so was the result, so we then got out the last two beers of the night. First was a Jolly Pumpkin Maracaibo Especial (7.5%). This one take the chocolate flavor and adds some barnyard funk and sour notes to it. It envelops your tongue with the tartness and then dissolves into a chocolate fountain  as it rolls over your tonsils. This was a really good, a huge hit among the sour lovers at the table. To end the night, we decided to crack open an Olde Rabbits Foot 2011 (11.0%). Pouring as dark as the tan on Dr G's fiance, this one is a real delight. Chocolate, toffee and vanilla meld seamslessly with the bourbon notes from the Pappy Van Winkle barrels used to age this beast. Another winner, this one also just missed out on RFG status with a really good. By this time, the entire entourage was cooked, and while we watched D-Rail and Dr G polish off the last remaining scraps of food like a pair of junkyard hounds we decided to call it a night. Another successful birthday down and nary a naked person to be seen, (a first for the neighborhood), we looked forward to our next meeting, where we would usher Snake one year closer to the big 5-0. Until next time...

Friday, September 2, 2011

Haiku you Motherf*$#%rs

If you are an avid follower of Bim on Twitter (@BC4MBIM), then you know he is a 69th degree master garter belt Haikusan (or what Southerners might call a "High-Cooo-Est") since just about every one of his tweets is crafted in the ancient Japanese poetry style. For years now, he has been honing his art much like a plumber or brick mason learns the skill of their trade with thousands of hours of dedicated apprenticeship. Bim first discovered his love of haiku while he was a young Naval Ensign stationed in Yokuska, Japan during the Korean War. Although he spent a majority of his days discovering the pleasures of coquettish Geisha's  while logging hours as an intern at the local infirmary/happy ending parlor, his nights consisted of repeated drunken encounters with the mightiest of weapons, the pen. His malt liquor and mescaline fueled pinings to his betrothed, (a fiesty young nursing school student named Florence Naughtygale  who was at the time back home in Ohio contemplating Bim's offer of marriage), were his only escape during his daunting 42 month long tour as a proctologist with a specialty in treating "ladyboy" showboat floozies suffering from "rectal prolapse". To honor our very own BC4M Poet Laureate, we decided to do the reviews of the beers we tried at a recent Executive Council meeting of the Founding Fathers "Haiku style". First up was a Mikkeller 1000 IBU's (9.6%). This one promised a good game as you all know we love the hop bombs prevalent among the west coast breweries, but this Danish import was about as hoppy as a spoonful of sour milk of magnesia. A mere so-so at best,

"Where for art thou hops? Thy bitterness surely lacks, Get it right fucknuts!"

Next, were two beers Bim brought back from a recent trip to a medical conference  in Baltimore where he gave the keynote address titled "Hemorrhoids and You, Two Pains in the Ass" . Both were forgettable as the Pub Dog Blueberry Dog (4.0%) was a flavorless cup of grape juice and the Pub Dog Very Cherry (5.2%) was best suited for preschoolers and bed wetters in need of nap time. Both were the true definition of sucks and if it wasn't for the sink staining dye that they used to color this swill up, these would have surely been drain pours.

"Red water pours out, Flavorless ass in a glass, Total shit indeed"

"Kid friendly koolaid, Alcohol free cough syrup?, Cease brewing we plead"

We then opened a jug of East End Brewing's Bigger Hop (9.0%) that we got in trade from Pennsylvania craft beer king, Jeff Kupko. This one was bitter but slightly more malty on the finish, but still quite tasty and got a solid good. Not quite in the category of say Alpine's Nelson or Duet, it's still a damn fine IPA and very well made.

"Very bitter start, Malty piney finishing, You ain't Double Jack"

Another gift received via beer trade, this one from Tim Dean of NYC, was a Captain Lawrence Nor'Easter (12.0%). This is an ale aged in bourbon barrels and brewed with elderberries to which Snake asked, 'Did you say dingleberries?" The taste was damn good as it had just a hint of sour funk to mellow the bourbony heat. J Wilder wasn't as sold on it as Bim and Fred were, but it still got a really good from the assembled group.

"Bourbon barrel aged, Elderberries, what are they?, Sweet and sour delight"

Next was a Sierra Nevada / Dogfish Head Life and Limb Vol. 2 (10.2%). The original version had garnered an RFG back when the lads were drunk as one eyed hoot-owls during last years GABF. Still, we anxiously awaited our first sip of this dark vixen. This one had a mishmash of delightful flavors, some pointing out chocolate and pine, others noting grapefruit and lemon peel. We all decided it was really good, but just not quite up to the first edition's level.

"Boozy dark and sweet, Life NOR limb does it warrant, Maybe a toenail?"

The final beer of the night was The Bruery Tart of Darkness (5.6%). This is one of their newest releases from their "Provisions Series" and it is a huge hit with the BC4M. Stout can't be mixed with sour you might suggest, but once you try this, you will crave it like a crack whore  jonesing the glass dick, it's fucking fantastic. Full bodied without being heavy, it is a perfect after dinner treat and easily earned an RFG.

"Sultry dark vixen, Divine sour puckers the tongue, Seduction complete"

Since it was a school night for some of us, we decided to end the evening on a high note with the deliciousness of Tart. Hopefully after reading this, the poetry snobs and flat chested women's lib majors among you won't be lock yourself away in a dark room listening to Morrissey screech and moan while wailing and gnashing your teeth against the defamation your sacred art form just received with our machinations on beer. If you find yourself in that position, just call the 1-800-SylviaPlath hotline for angst ridden, ritalin addled "artists" and remember, Haiku You Motherfuckers!