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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Whale Week Begins!

And so it began, the culmination of hours of bidding on Ebay, countless dollars spent and anxious days awaiting the arrival of the so called "Whales" of the craft beer industry. No one knows for sure what actually constitutes a whale, but the Indiana Jones of the BC4M, Fred, vowed to gather all the sacred "brewed one day a year beers" that usually incite some sort of maniacal rioting and perhaps even a rabid bidding war in order to obtain one of what the nerds of craft beerdom might consider "the precious". Our vaunted research team at KVWN-TV4 had determined that the following 5 beers are universally considered world class and almost unattainable by the general public. Portsmouth Brewing's Kate the Great, Cigar City Hunahpu Imperial Stout, Surly Darkness, 3 Floyd's Dark Lord, and The Bruery Black Tuesday are among the finest beers to be made in the world. Other than the Hunahpu, all are sold on a single day each year to a mob of craft beer geeks determined to grab every bottle available and then turn around and sell them on Ebay to beertards like the members of the BC4M at extortionist prices. We added 5 lesser but still world class beers to the pantheon in order to have ourselves a "whale week". The lesser whales include Coast Brewing's Blackbeerd Imperial Stout, Cigar City's Marshal Zhukov's Imperial Stout, Foothill's Brewing Sexual Chocolate, Oskar Blue's Barred Aged Ten Fidy and Goose Island Coffee Bourbon County Stout. It was a unusually warm Thursday evening that found Snake, Wilder and Bim joining Fred at his compound to kick off the inaugural BC4M "Whale Week". First up was Coast Brewing Blackbeerd Imperial Stout (9.3%) A nice thick and dark head pulsed from the bottle as we poured a round for the Founding Fathers in attendance. The first sip was like the opening broadside from a renegade privateer engaging a French frigate, yet the finish was as hollow as the remorse in Tiger Wood's apology for banging all those washed up hacks with fake cans. Slightly tangy, it was decent but only rated a good from the panel. Next was Cigar City Hunahpu's Imperial Stout (11.5%). This one was as black as the underside of King Kong's taint yet it tasted amazing. Brewed with cocoa nubs, ancho chilis, cinnamon and Madagascar vanilla, it had an earthy, almost cherry chocolate flavored taste that lingered like velvet on the tongue. The contents of our glass looked like the runoff from the engine of Ricky Bobby's Wonderbread machine after winning the "Cock and Balls 500" but it tasted simply amazing. The flavor was intense, and the smoothness rivaled the sweetest set of labia you ever laid your lips on. Simply fantastic, we agreed that another RFG would be added to the list. Not wanting to end the meeting so soon, we went to the fridge and pulled out another group of beers for the tasting. A growler filled with Devils Backbone Blue Ridge Hop Revival (6.0%) was a gift from the ladies of the CHC Wine Club for Women (and guys that ain't got the nads to drink beer) from their recent trip to Shenandoah wine country. Decent and flavorful, but we probably kept it too long before drinking so it wasn't as fresh as it should be and the grade suffered somewhat earning only a so-so. Two new beers from the Pacific Northwest, Cascade Brewing's Vlad the Imp Aler (10.6%) and The Vine (8.33%) were opened next. Vlad was a beer we tried in Denver at the GABF and we thought it rated a really good. Fred and Wilder are into the "sour" beers that are currently all the rage in the craft beer world. Vlad didn't disappoint as it is described as a "blonde quad aged for 18 months in bourbon barrels." More wine flavored that bourbony, the sour factor can curl the tonsils but the flavor is so intense it borders on amazing. "Damn, this shit is making my toes curl" said Wilder, "sorta like that 10 dollar a night ball smoker when she huffed my johnson for a hit off the rock down in P-town". Wilder said, "I told that bitch, get ya spoon, you gum this schlong, you got yo rock". The beer was phenomenal and it got a really good, even from Bim who is slowly but surely coming around to the taste of beer mixed with sour patch kids. The Vine spends a year doing some "lactic fermentation", "Hell, I would give my left nut to spend a year lactating on a nice set of milkwagons" said the always frisky Snake as Bim told him it was actually a way of adding a "sour" flavor to a beer. "I don't give a shit what it means, I still wanna do it" said the resident "teddy bear" of the BC4M. This beer is even more sour and funky than Vlad. Fred's adorable wife, the always winetabolous Foxy Flamingo, said it was so tart, "That'll sure start your car up" which we took to mean some late night booty shaking was about to begin. "Tastes like sweet tarts mixed with Welch's grape juice" said Bim, but the taste was still awesome. Mixing sweet, sour and vinegary while maintaining a smooth full body garnered this one a really good. Keeping up the sour theme, we opened up a Duchese De Bourgogne (6.0%) which was a Flemish sour red that Wilder had tasted at the Capitol Ale House and Fred had sampled at the Norfolk Tap House. Not nearly as tart as the Vine, the rich red coloring provided the backdrop for a flavorful but not overly sour that was in the words of Bim, "Outstanding". Another really good, so we tried a Terrapin Brewmaster Collection Monstre Rouge (8.5%). This one is a collaboration beer that is supposedly a Flanders red. The taste however, was more like Ned Flanders' ball sweat as it has neither a sour or vinegary taste and was a watery mess of a beer. So-so at best, we were highly disappointed because Terrapin generally makes some great beers but this one was equivalent to getting a backwards K in the bottom of the ninth. We opened another Terrapin, Reunion '10 (8.5%) which is a Belgian style Scotch ale brewed to honor and raise funds for bone cancer victims. Made with a metric ton of Belgian candi sugar, this one got mixed reviews. One member said, "Decent, even if it promotes tooth decay", while another said, "Throw this shit out, they aint gonna raise any money if they continue selling this swill." A so-so was the result, and we moved on to the final two beers of the night. Troeg's Mad Elf Ale (11.0%) was up first, and we also love most of their products. This one gets rave reviews from various online resources, so we were expecting a really good beer as a result. An ale "brewed with honey and cherries" this one tasted like a bad batch of Dimetapp mixed with Nyquil. "Fuck that is awful" said Fred, "If I wanted to drink cod liver oil, I wouldn't have paid 12 bucks for a bottle". Wilder said he thought it was ok, but overall the group was disappointed so we gave it a so-so. The final beer of opening night of the whales was a Left Hand Warrior IPA (6.6%). They didn't have this on tap when we were in Denver at their brewery, so we were anxious to try a new IPA since they are a favorite of the group. Made with Colorado fresh hops, this one was dry as a pair of chapped lips on a January morning and although quite hoppy, it had about as much ass as a 19 year old anorexic. Another so-so, we were out of beers and it was well past 1 am, so we called it a night, excited about the new RFG added to the list. Until our next whaling expedition....Fair winds and following seas matey's....