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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Thursday, December 29, 2011

It's a Festuvus for the Rest of Us

Fred is a holiday junkie. He loves the holidays, celebrating Kwanzaa (here he is in his ceremonial Kwanzaa cap), Hanukkah, Christmas, Winter Solstice, and his favorite of all the winter holidays, FESTIVUS! Bim offered to host this years Festivus party, and the boys gathered around his festivus pole for a pre-Christmas beer tasting extravaganza. We started the evening with a Terrapin/BFM collaboration, Spike and Jerome's Collaboration Ale (10.276%). This combination 2/3 ale and 1/3rd ale matured in rum barrels, had zero carbonation and was a bit thin, but still rated a good. Next was the latest weird beer from Stone, Belgo Anise Imperial Russian Stout (10.5%). Big Audio liked it, making us all question his sanity. For everyone else, it was like a liquid version of Good and Plenty licorice, and was a so/so at best. Fred supplied more west coast beers, starting with a Pelican India Pelican Ale (7.5%). This was a nice, smooth IPA. It wasn't overpowering at all, and rated a good. DuClaw, which is quickly becoming one of our surprisingly good east coast breweries, supplied Misery (10%), a wheat wine ale. Damn, this was a fine beer! Sweet, syrupy, and tasting more like a dopplebock, it easily rated a really good. Next up was Deschutes The Stoic (6.5%). This Belgian style quad tasted like a Belgian style quad. It was a fine example of this style and very drinkable. Then it was back to the Midwest with a Jackie O's Cellar Cuvee 6 (6%). This is a really good sour, but you'd better like sours cause this bitch is sour as hell! Now for a real treat, Bim busted out his 2005 and 2007 Dogfish Head Raison D'extras, the older one which was a gift from Johnny Wilder and which Bim has been salivating over for a year. Holy fuck Batman, this shit just keeps getting better! The 2007 was still a little hot on the alcohol side, but the 2005 was simply amazing. The 2007, while really good, couldn't match the 2005's RFG status. Kern River Brewing Co. gave us the Just Outstanding IPA (6.8%), which, unlike it's name, was just good. Stone's Vertical Epic (9.4%), brewed on 11-11-11, tasted like something... we're just not sure what that something was. This beer had a strong chili flavor, and was only so/so. Sam Adams Infinium 2011 (10.3%) was next. Jim Koch claims to have reworked the recipe this year, but for $20 a bottle, he needs to go back to the drawing board. We can name 50 better beers for under 20 bucks, and this one is only a good. At this point Snake changed the topic to lesbians. Snake, recently saw a story about two Navy lesbians who had the "first kiss" upon debarking from a recent deployment. He showed us all the picture, and just like that, Johnny Wilder bolted out of the house and down to the nearest recruiting station to enlist, never to be seen again. The guy loves lesbians! Snake, however, then showed up the lesbian photos that he keeps in his wallet. He apparently glances at the photo of these "cockblockers" to prevent any inappropriate arousals when on one of his planking adventures. On to more beers! Widmer Brothers Reserve Galaxy Hopped Barleywine Ale (9.5%) had a fancy box, a decent taste, and rated a good. Columbia Rivers's Paddler's Porter (9.0%) was another of Fred's finds from his trip out west. What a nice beer. A hint of cocoa nibs with the addition of Brooklyn's Best Coffee. The group was unanimous this was a really good. DuClaw's Retribution (9.0%) is an imperial bourbon barrel stout that spent 6 mos inside a bourbon barrel. Fred immediately piped in that that was nothing. He spent 9 mos inside his mom's uterus, and he was an RFG. While not highly rated on-line, we gave it a RFG. This beer has a great boozy flavor and should age wonderfully. We then changed gears, re-rating a beer that we hated the first time, Founders Dry-hopped Pale Ale (5.4%). The first time we tasted this it was found in a corner of a hillbilly beer store. We guessed that it may have been made sometime in the early 1940's! It was an over-carbonated mess. This time around, the beer had a nice taste and normal carbonation, rating a good. By this time of the night, the alcohol was really starting to fog our brains. Only 3 more to go! Midnight Sun's Extra Stout (7.8%) had more body that a Guinness. This was a very pleasant beer, a good session stout, rating a good. Big Audio Dynamite brought a growler mix from Gordon Biersch. He challenged us to name the combination. Crazy suggested that it was urine and gasoline, Wilder suggested it was used dialysis fluid and Round-up, but in actuality, it was hefeweizen and winter bock, and rated a so/so. And with that we were on to our last beer, Diamond Knot Brewing's Whip Ale (7.8%). After the first sip, we all wanted to whip the ass of the fucknut who brewed this shit. Imagine what Nickelback would taste like if they were beer??? This is it. What a way to end the night. With the taste of this beer still on our palates in the morning, no doubt we will all assume that we must have thrown up at some point during the night. Happy Festivus. "During the past year you people have disappointed me in the following ways..."

Saturday, December 17, 2011

BC4M "Best of 2011" edition

Each year, the Founding Fathers get together to cull the vast riches of our beloved beer archive and put together a list of the funniest quotes recorded by the members. Mind you, half the time we are shit-housed drunk, so sometimes the translations are lost among the scribblings that pepper our pages. Since the BC4M was soon to be celebrating its second anniversary, Fred, Johnny Wilder and Bim decided to get together and try a few of the new beers Fred had brought back from his recent trip to Pelican Pub and Brewery on the coast of Oregon. We figured while we drank we could find time to cobble up a list of our favorite BC4M beer blog quotes and devise a "Best of 2011" top ten.  We started the meeting off with a Pelican Doryman's Dark Ale (5.8%). This is their brown ale and while we don't go out of our way to try browns, this one doesnt disappoint. Strong malt character followed with just a tad bit of hops gives it a decidedly nice finish. A solid good, we then went on to the Pelican Bad Santa (6.7%). Thinking we were getting a typical holiday spiced ale or winter warmer, we were surprised to read the label declaring it to be a Cascadian dark ale, or what some like to term a black IPA. This is a decent interpretation of the style and was also a good. Next was the Pelican MacPelican's Wee Heavy (8.9%) a Scotch ale that was freaking delicious. "Fuck, that's almost as good as Old Chub" said Bim, while Wilder replied, "shit, aint nothing beats gettin an old chub". Bordering on RFG status, this one is well worth a test drive as it delivers a sweet malty punch balanced by a nice alcoholic backbone. On to our next beer, we tried a Pelican Stormwatcher's Winterfest (13.0%), their standard barleywine. Nestle had fallen in love with the three different vintages she had tried with Fred on their recent trip to Oregon. This one is dark, rich and full of fig and toffee notes, with a panty peeling warm finish from the high alcohol content. "I wanna bathe my nad pouch in this nectar all night" said Wilder, as Fred added, "Sticks to your stomach like a warm plate of shit on a shingle". We decided it was among the very best barleywines we had ever tasted so it got a unanimous RFG. Hoping to find another gem, we pried the top off of this years Pelican Mother of All Storms (13.5%). The boys at Pelican take their Stormwatcher's and then age it in bourbon barrels and the results are in the words of Nestle "shut the front door good". Butter toffee, caramel, a hint of vanilla and chocolate perfectly paired with a fiery bourbon glaze, this is a sipping beer that is simply fucking amazing. "Its like all my favorite candy bars splooged together on my tongue" said Bim, while Fred added, "As warm and cuddly as a pair of DD's". Another bottle of perfection, this one too got an RFG. We ended the night with the new collaboration between a couple of our favorite brewers, The Bruery / Dogfish Head Faster Bigger Better Bolder (8.25%). Brewed with seemingly every available spice and essence known to the Japanese people, including the always tasty cumquat and a "seven spice schichimi togarashi blend" ("Man I love me some chimichangas" said Fred), this one is effervescent like a Sprite and spicy like a Belgian trippel. Interesting and definitely unique, it only garnered a good since it seemed to be trying to be a lot of things at once but it is crisp and refreshing and would probably pair well with seafood dishes. Out of beer, we had determined our best one liners and present them to you now....but be warned...some are not for the faint of heart....

The Best of 2011

10) "Enough carbonation to power a Dutch windmill"

9) "Smells like a rabid skunk pissed on your taint"

8) "Tastes like paint thinner mixed with cheap tequila"

7) "Like a big slimey load to the tonsils"

6) "Tastes as gamey as the live well on the back of a bass boat"

5) Get ya spoon girl, cuz if you can gum this schlong, you getz yo rock"

4) "Smells as fresh as a 3 week old tampon pulled from a dumpster"

3) "About as moist as a freshly pummeled Nicaraguan brown eye"

2) "Do I taste nutmeg, or is that a little man-spice"

1) "Went down as easily as a 3 dollar a night mouth hugger"

Until Next year.....Ho Ho Ho bitches....

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Road Trip to Appalachia

BC4M , tired of only having 400 different beers awaiting tasting, decided a road trip for more beer was in order. This time, it was Jackie O's 6th anniversary...9+ hrs of driving time, each way, for a bottle release... no problem! Jackie O's is a small brewpub in a fairly rural area of south eastern Ohio, best known for Ohio University, coal miners, and professional partiers! Head Brewer Brad Clark is one of the most innovative brewers on the East Coast, producing multiple different sours and a whole variety of barrel-aged beers. Fred, Nestle, Bim and Florence loaded up the beermobile and headed west. First stop was Blue Mountain Brewery in Afton, VA. We were fairly harsh on this brewery in the past, and while we don't ever apologize for skewering a brewer for manufacturing swill, these guys are definitely improving. We sampled a flight of beers, including a few that we've had in the past. The consensus was that the Full Nelson (5.9%) was a better beer than we initially rated it, and their winter seasonal, Lights Out (7.0%) was very nice, both rating a really good, but the others, Blue Mountain Lager (5.3%), Kolsch 151(5.0%), Evil 8 (7.7%) and the Rockfish Wheat (5.4%) were no better than good at best. But the real reason we stopped here was for the Dark Hollow (10%), and it didn't disappoint. This barrel aged imperial porter was available on Nitro in the pub, and in bottles as well. While we generally have not jumped on the nitro train, we found that this beer on tap was better than the bottle version, and a gnat's ass away from being an RFG. Four hours of driving later, we were sufficiently inebriated enough to head into West Virginia and beyond. Now before any of you jackwads start giving me grief, I am joking... don't go all "Mr. Turner" on my ass.
After an uneventful ride through West Virginia, we rolled into Athens, checked into the hotel, and headed straight to Jackie O's. The pub was featuring almost 40 of their special beers on tap ( Cherry Wood Ya Honey, Bourbon Berry Grove, Chunga's Oud Bruin, Dark Apparition (nitro), Funky South Paw, Brown Recluse, Bolero Brown, Double Dry Hopped Matriarch, Dark Apparition (Kopi Lowak), Oil of Aphrodite (Kopi Lowak), Oil of Aphrodite (Cherry Chocolate), 1/2 Shark-Alligator - 1/2 Man, Matriarch, Mystic Mama, Raccoon Dubbel, Hocking Triple, Captain Barley Heart, Berliner Weisse, Great Googly Moogly (Nitro), Cab Cherry Man, Dark Apparition (Nuts), Cellar Cuvee #1, Cellar Cuvee #2, Cellar Cuvee #3, Cellar Cuvee #4, Cellar Cuvee #5, Cellar Cuvee #6, Dark Apparition (Rum Barrel), Slim Pickins, Firefly Amber Ale, Great Googly Moogly, Wood Ya Honey, Bourbon Barrel Middle of Nowhere, Matriarch (Nitro), Hop Ryot, Baklava Braggot, Scottish, 6th Anniversary Sour Blend, a few IPA's and pale ales among the group, but the lot was made up of mostly barrel aged beers. Almost every one of these beers was a winner, so see the Beer Bible for ratings. We've been to a few bottle releases, but this one was unique. Beginning at around midnight, a line began to form outside and at 2am the bar closed, further filling the line in front of the pub. Then, one by one we were given pages from a desk calender which designated our order for beer distribution in the morning. Off to bed at 3:43 am, only to return the next morning where we tasted a few more beers and waited for our number to be called. Knowing we had a 9 hr drive back, we worked our way to the front of the line, pleaded our case to Brad, collected our beers and began the long ride home, another uneventful trip through West Virginia. All in all, it was a great trip, but one we probably won't repeat for a while. Lets hope there's some RFG's in the group.

Postscript:  No road trip through rural Appalachia would be complete without a Ned Beaty clip, but after viewing it, I found myself in the corner, curled in the fetal position, sobbing like an infant. This movie, made in 1972, is still a sphincter tightening nightmare. Watch it if you want, but you've been warned! Best enjoyed with a Founders Backwoods Bastard!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Chocolate Rain

The event was a birthday party. Johnny Wilder's wife was turning 15, her quinceanera. To celebrate the day, the girls decided on a chocolate party. Some broad was hired to bring in all kinds of chocolate, and while she entertained the ladies in one room, the boys moved to another to celebrate life's biggest gifts: some special meat that Snake brought over and beer. About 15 minutes into the extravaganza, Bim showed up. The resident proctologist that he is, Bim crashed the all-female chocolate party and wowed the ladies with his unique perspective on the chocolate treats and how closely they resembled the characters in the Bristol Stool Chart, the subject on which he based his doctoral dissertation. Barely escaping with his nutsack intact, he was immediately banned to the male side of the party. With that, the tasting kicked off. It was a full tasting group, as interlopers from all across the east coast joined us this night. We started the night with Scuttlebutt Weizenbock (7.9%). This beer had a slightly boozy feel to it, and was a good start to the night, rating a good. Diamond Knot Ho!Ho! (8.5%) was more like Whoa Whoa! Don't buy this shit! It sucks! Stuff tasted like liquid sawdust and was the first pour out of the night. Lagunita's Cappucino Stout (9.26%) had a very robust coffee smell, but a light body, rating a good. Bavik Petrus Oude Bruin (5.5%) had a slightly sour taste, a hard as hell name to pronounce, but all in all was really good. Otter Creek's 20th Anniversary Ale  (12%) was sweet as fuck, which everyone loved, rating it a really good. It was about this time that Bim decided to entertain the group with his stories of youthful indescretion. He regalled us with his telling of how he used to urinate in the ball washers on public golf courses. Everyone laughed at Bim's loveable story, except for Wilders brother-in-law, Rory, a golf pro who specializes in schooling young ladies on the finer points of golf. Apparently young Rory had recently used such a ball washer, and was not so amused. Fred quickly eased the tension by cracking a previously reviewed beer, Cigar City's Marshal Zhukov. This stout is spectacular, and only gets better with age. Twisted Pine's Bigshot Expresso Stout (6.0%) was opened next. This thing tasted like a strong shot of coffee, but not much else, and rated a so/so. Brouwery De Dochter van de Korogaar Embrasse (9.0%), was a beer with a really long fucking name, but a pretty good taste. Bayerischer Bahnhof Brettanomyces Lambicus (3.0%) was tart, tangy, and while not enjoyed by all, still was a good by split decision. We next had a Founders Breakfast Stout extravaganza, comparing the Breakfast Stout, 2009 Kentucky Breakfast Stout, 2010 KBS, and the recently released Canadian Breakfast Stout (10.6%). The CBS was the only new beer, an instant RFG. The smoothness of the stout with the sweetness of the Canadian Whiskey was truly amazing. Worth the wait! Foothills 2010 Baltic Porter (9.0%) was a good follow-on, a really nice smooth porter, rating really good. Alaskan Brewing's Smoked Porter (6.5%) tasted like a cross between a campfire and a used bandaid, and was not very good at all, rating a so/so. Epic's Brainless on Cherries (10.3%) tasted like a Belgian farm ale up front, with a smooth cherry finish, rating a good. The Lost Abbey's Devotion (6.75%) was a very tasty beer. Smooth and refreshing, it was an easy really good. Last up was a special treat from our beer blogging, home brewing buddy out in California,  John Holzer. John was kind enough to give us one of his homebrews, a Habanero Saison (9.1%) that was easily one of the better beers of the night. This spicy bomb was just right, not too hot and damn smooth, rating a really good. The night was a good one. Lots of good beers, and some sweet chocolate and meat as well! We closed the night by having our dancin' fool, Johnny Wilder, lead the boys in a little all-male dance party, BC4M style!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Bim's Halloween Surprise

As the lazy days of summer fade into autumn, the weather turns a bit cooler and the nights grow longer and longer, yet the boys at the BC4M never cease in their endless drinking shenanigans. Thankfully the arrival of the "It's a tad bit nipply" weather has caused Snake to give up his habit of showing up to meetings in his "man hammock". This week we decided to do a Sunday meeting so we could watch some football while rating some beers. Halloween was the next night, so Bim decided to get in the spirit a little early by deciding to reveal to us one of his funniest halloween stories. It seems that a few years back, when our neighborhood was first being built, he was the lone purveyor of candy for the greedy little devils that come around begging for handouts. Bim, always looking for new and imaginative ways to delight the kiddies, decided that particular year to give out "wax lips" candy while simultaneously killing off a case of King Cobra malt liquor dressed only in his bathrobe. As it turns out, the candy wasn't the hit he thought it would be, nor was the sight of his pecker gift wrapped with a free package of wax lips. Sometime towards the end of the evening, a pair of what appeared to the now shithoused Bim to be college age girls had shown up looking for some "goodies" and were shocked to see him parading his "Lt Dangle" around for all to see. "Aren't you girls a bit old to be out trick or treating?" asked a suddenly aroused Bim. "What the fuck kinda candy is that you sick fuck?" one of them shrieked, while the other one blasted Bim with f-bombs at the sight of his "perverted old fuck" costume. They promptly ran away but came back a short while later and peppered the front of Bim's house with slightly used toilet paper. Bim, himself fresh off the crapper from dropping a deuce and a half, took off like a naked maniac in pursuit. Luckily, the girls narrowly escaped into the woods due to Bim's tragic encounter with some briars that caused him to lose almost a half pint of blood before he could quell the bleeding, although he did threaten them with his "fleshlight and back door dance" if they ever came back around. Bim eventually made it back home and passed out on the couch, and thankfully, no one was the wiser for his antics. He no longer gives out candy and instead spends most halloweens giving prostate exams at the local free clinic. To set the mood of the meeting off right, Fred decided a Weyerbacher Romeo (8.0%) was in order, "to celebrate our naked heartthrob". This is a Belgian strong ale that is sweet like a quad and thick like cough syrup. The belgian yeast shines through the slight heat from the alcohol and leaves it a bit boring. So so at best, we then pulled out the Mikkeller Black Hole Stout (13.1%) series to do a side by side tasting. The boys at Mikkeller take their phenomenal Black Hole Stout and then age it in different barrel styles to give it a unique taste. We had acquired 6 of the 7 different bottles and decided now was a perfect time to try them. First up was the Tequila Barrel, a super sweet, intense agave flavor that poured through the thick dark stout roastiness and garnered a really good. Next was the Cognac Barrel, which had a real smooth velvety finish that had subtle hints of the brandy character of the aging barrels. Another really good, we then tried both the Red Wine Barrel and White Wine Barrel, each of which was imparted a noticeable tart note from the wine. Both were solid but thin, so each received a good. Bourbon Barrel was then opened and it had the distinctive sour mash flavor from a fine bourbon but the profile was turned down a notch and it didn't hit your tongue with the fire that is present is most good bourbons. Another solid good, we then got a huge kick to the stomach when we tried the Scotch Whiskey Barrel version. Imagine taking a band-aid and then throwing it in a campfire, dousing the fire with sea salt and then pouring the wet remains into a bottle. This tasted worse than that sounds and was simply awful. "I would rather chew on a newborns wet diaper than drink another sip of this gasoline" said Bim as Snake chimed in, "This tastes like a used diaphragm, a really used one". This was a quick drain pour and received a sucks for good measure. To hopefully finish the day on a good note, we then tried a Mikkeller It's Alive! (8.0%). This one is classified as a Belgian Strong Pale Ale, but its more gueuze/lambic tasting to us. Lots of barnyard funk and lemon zest smack you at first followed by a very slight sour note that was a welcome respite from the liquid ashtray that had just annihilated our tongues. Definitely worth a try, this one got a really good. Since Snake had to leave for a "financial planning" session at the oceanfront later that afternoon, we decided to adjourn the meeting with plans on having a blowout the following weekend. Just remember kids, when you're out trick or treating and you happen to come across a clown with big red as fast as you can and never look might be Bim and his fleshlight.....

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Snake goes to NY

The BC4M decided to give founding father Snake, a proper sendoff. Our beloved brother was preparing to depart the commonwealth so that he could help out with the Occupy New York protests. He wasn't sure what his job would be, but he requested either foot massager or latrine duty. What you may not know about Snake is that during the 60's he was a driving force in the hippy movement. His exploits are legendary. He claims to have dropped acid with Timothy Leary and once had a 3 way with Liberace and one of Liberace's Thai "lady" friends. It creeps us out whenever he brings it up, so we prefer not to relive that experience. While in New York, he had hoped to be able to take a side trip to Upper Manhattan in order to kick the shit out of our old pal Dr. Gunthumper, time permitting. But before the festivities could begin, we were treated to a show from Prince Mike, fresh from his dream hands class. Unfortunately, Johnny Wilder and D-rail couldn't make the session. They were on their way to Nigeria to find the guy who keeps emailing us, the "Honorable Joseph Ondago", who keeps filling Johnny's in-box with his spam and his heart with the false hope of striking it rich. Once found, that son-of-a-bitch was either going to cough up some cash or die! Last we heard, Wilder had been sold into slavery by the Dig Dig tribe. But enough of the jibber jabber, let's hear about the beers!

First beer of the night was a Belgian Wit Homebrew by Crazy Ken's strength coach. Once again, a homebrewer attempts to humiliate us and succeeds. The beer was good, which really pisses us off. Next was De Halve Maan Brewery's Straffe Hendrick Quad (11%). We're generally not big Belgian fans, but this one was good. Sam Adams Stony Brook Red (9.0%) was a very nice tarty Belgian beer. Sam Adams, despite the fact that they are nearly a macro, can still brew some good shit. This beer is one of them, rating a really good. Short's Brewing Key Lime Pie (5.5%) was next (thanks to trading partner David Taylor),  was one of the most interesting beers of the night. Brewed with marshmallows and limes, it tasted like Key Lime Pie, but not sure if that should be in a beer. It was a split decision between so/so and good. Harpoon Rich and Dan's Rye IPA (6.9%) was a good beer that, while not spectacular, improved with every sip. Terrapin Midnight Project Peotch (7.2%) had a nice peach bite. We agreed that this was a really good beer. Peak Organic King Crimson (9.0%) was a imperial red ale. This beer, while no Gordon, was nice, despite all the organic bullshit, rating a good. Upland Brewing Co.'s Dragonfly IPA (6.8%) was a malty mess. Where's the hops? Apparently still in the fields. This one was a so/so at best. Thirsty Dog Barktoberfest (6%) was a decent beer in this style, rating a good. Thirsty Dog Apricot Wheat (5.2%) was good for a wheat beer, but apricots are like the hillbilly cousin of the peach, and as such, are not well liked. Carolina Beer's Cottonwood Pumpkin (5.1%) was garbage. Please stop brewing this shit. Ska Local Series Hoperation Ivy #20 smelled like the dogshit in Crazy's yard, and didn't taste much better, rating a so/so. Southern Star Pine (6.3%) was good. The can states "clarity is overrated", and so is this beer. Southern Star's Buried Hatchet Stout (8.25%) advertises its "traditional pre-Industrial Revolution malt profile". WTF??? this is the 21st century! Despite this, it was a good. Berrefico Del Ducatato La Luna Roossa (8%) was a wonderful slightly sour cherry beer which set Bim back $18 and was worth every penny. It was easily a really good. We followed with their Imperial stout (8.2%), which didn't rate as high, but was still good. Smuttynose (what is a smutty nose?) Imperial Stout (8.25%) may be the best beer they make, but still only rated a good. Legend  Brewing Co's Quad (11%), may be the best these guys make as well. It was sweet and was really good. Pub Dog, who brew 100 varieties of shitty beers, provided the Imperial Dog IPA (6.8%), and, surprisingly, it was good! Alaskan Brewery Raspberry Wheat (6.5%) was fucking awesome! Just the right amount of raspberry flavor, it was really good. At this point we should have stopped, but the BC4M is a runaway train! We stop for no one. The Brewer's Art Le Canard (8%) was good. The bar in Baltimore where these beers are brewed, is run by some very pretentious assholes, but this beer was pretty good. Next up was another Pub Dog, Wild Cherry Porter (5.8%). This, like the other beer from these guys, was good. Baird/Ishi/Stone Green Tea IPA (9.2%) was a weird collaboration, but a good beer. Bee Creek Ale (4.8%) smelled like cat piss. It tasted a little better, but not by much. Oaken Barrel Brewing Co.'s Razz Wheat (5%) had low expectations, but was a  good beer. Baying Hound Alewerks Taj Mahound Brown Ale (7%) had a weird flavor, rating a so/so. Peak Organic Hop Noir (8.2%) was a black IPA that was good...but enough of the organic bullshit! The Brewer's Art Green Peppercorn Trippel (10%) was a good. And finally, ending the rated beers was Cervezeria Cucapa (7.2%). Not only are Mexicans are great at sneaking across the border they also can brew some beer! This one was a solid good.

30 beers later, we capped the night off with a Firestone Walker Abacus, which, while delicious, was  probably not what we needed at that point. By the end of the night, Bim was so inebriated that his bottle toss into the woods barely cleared his own feet. One could compare it to the throw from a 90 yr old woman, but that would be an insult to 90 yr old women. Fred, unable to walk the 50 feet to his own home, called himself a cab. Snake staggered home and promptly pissed in his laundry hamper. Now, dear readers, 2 of the preceding events are completely figure it out! Until next time, we leave you with Bim's theme song...

Saturday, October 22, 2011

BC4M meets the "ass monkey"

One of the up and coming young breweries in the area that the BC4M calls home (also known to craft beer fanatics as the "Beermuda Triangle" for its dearth of available micro beer) is O'Connor Brewing. We initially got a taste of their first three brews early last year while at the Norfolk Beer Festival and came away thinking they were decent and at least drinkable but certainly nothing spectacular. Regardless, we are hoping for their continued success and perhaps one day they will be making that next craft beer "whale" ala Black Tuesday or Surly Darkness that will cause hop heads from all over to willingly come stand in line for hours on end for the chance to get a bottle while simultaneously having to fight off both staph infections and dysentery from that group of "herbalists" you're likely to see camped out with you like at a Foothill's Brewing Sexual Chocolate release party. Recently the boys at O'Connor tweeted that they were tapping a firkin of their ODIS (O'Connor Dry Irish Stout, 5.0%)  but infused with vanilla, cocoa and coffee at one of the newer eateries in downtown Norfolk, The Public House. While checking out the menu online, Fred noticed that the place had lots of "rules" that seemed to suggest the joint was going to be a bit pretentious, but maybe thats exactly how the trendy young hipsters that frequent the area like to be seen as. The description of their tap list reads, "We change our beers often. So often, in fact, that our lazy marketing guy recommended that we just tell you to check our chalkboard each day for the list of beers we're currently serving".  Despite arriving to see what appeared to be over 30 available taps, the paltry list written on the chalkboard contained no more than 10 beers, most of which were easily forgettable. Also, they have a "rule" against ordering a drink "strong" since that somehow questions the integrity of the bar staff and that "our staff's 100+ years of combined experience trumps your brief stint slinging "rocket fuel" in your frat house basement". Coincidentally, both Bim and D-Rail were heading downtown as "chaperones" for a Jonas Brothers concert that night, so despite the supposedly "tongue in cheek" rules the Public House has on behavior, we decided to meet up for a few beers prior to the show. Nestle Goodbody arrived first and grabbed a spot at the bar and bought the first round when we arrived. Sitting next to her was perhaps the highlight of the night, a prim and proper douche canoe that explained to her that "he got paid to drink beer for a living" but "wasn't at liberty" to tell us whom he worked for. After about 2 minutes of him speaking to us with utter disdain as if we were ignorant hacks on subjects like proper smelling techniques and how to quaff a beer expertly, the boys in the BC4M were about to shove a broken PBR bottle up his ass to shut him the fuck up. Thankfully the O'Connor ODIS was more palatable than that jackwad blue blood so we turned our attention to drinking the dark as night stout fresh from the firkin. The regular version is easily a nice change of pace from say the most famous dry stout, Guinness, but this special version was much more coffee than vanilla or cocoa. In fact, no one even got a hint of either vanilla or cocoa and everybody universally agreed that there wasn't any balance between the three added ingredients. "Tastes like a cold cup of Nescafe, a bad cup" said Bim, while Fred, who loves the coffee stouts added, "Thin and watery, but not all that great". It was about this time that Johnny Wilder had arrived and we watched him spend the next 30 minutes performing a surgically precise mind fucking on our "beer expert" that caused the poor lad to eventually admit he worked for of all places,  St George's Brewing. Frankly, we think their beers suck but obviously somebody out there likes their product but it sure as fuck isn't us. After he realized it was late (almost 8:30 by then) he rushed out so he could get home to his wet nurse training lessons, so we moved on to an O'Connor Great Dismal Black IPA (7.5%). This is probably the best beer they make right now, and it is delicious with an excellent balance of subtle sweetness and hoppy bite. "This shit is damn good" said Fred, while we all agreed it would make a great session beer for the kegerator. A really good, before we left, we decided to give an official rating to another of their newer beers, the O'Connor El Guapo IPA. Wilder, Fred and Nestle had been at the release party for El Guapo earlier in the year at one of the best pizzerias in the area, Cogan's. Brewed with agave, the sweetness in the beer isn't pronounced but it is a decent session IPA that is a welcome addition to the area. It suffers from a lack of overt hop bite or smell but would make a good transition beer from pale ales to the more aromatic IPA's like those from Alpine Brewing in California. This one rated a good and with some tweaks to the recipe, could easily be made into a really good. Since we had already exhausted the Public House's tap list, we decided to end the night with a delicuous spicy meatzilla pizza at Cogan's while D-Rail and Bim went off to see their show. Until next time, remember kids, never feed the ass monkey, you never know where but you always know they will end up trying to shit on you.....

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Bim's Take on 2011 GABF

Once again, BC4M invaded Denver. Only this time, with our spouses at our side, we kept our shit together so as not to embarass the family names. Ordinarily, we might dress like sheep or lumberjacks to such an event. I even toyed with wearing our official BC4M thong. Thank God for our better halves. Instead, I opted for a very casual, hotel robe ensemble, echoing my "continental" character.

BEST PART OF GABF:  The rare beer tasting. Beers were amazing, meeting the brewers was a real pleasure. Sam Calagione was there, as was Brooklyn Beer's Garret Oliver and Foothill's Jamie  Bartholomaus, but the real rock star brewer was Patrick Rue. A down to earth guy who's beers rule!

WORST PART OF GABF: The rare beer tasting. After tasting all 30 rare beers, I had a good buzz going by 4 o'clock, with a whole night of non-rare beer tasting ahead. I am a professional, so after a brief nap, I soldiered on, but it wasn't easy.

THINGS I LEARNED: Some hot dogs have horse buttholes in them (not something I learned at GABF, but I learned this relatively close to it...and I think it's an important thing to know). The Atlanta Airport public restroom is not the best place to poop,  better to hold it until you get home. Airport shitters are scary places. I did get a free ankle massage, but at what what cost.... Fred has dreams involving unicorns...I shit you not. That may be the most frightening thing I learned the entire week.

CONCLUSION:  It's truly a great event. We managed to work in brewery tours in Ft. Collins and Longmont. Met lots of really awesome people, (Joe and Joe the fishing guides in Ft. Collins, Brad Clark, head brewer of Jackie O's, the great staff at the Teatro Hotel, John Holzer of New Brew Thursday, and countless others). Even found some hippy's long forgotten doobie hidden on the hotel windowsill. But what struck me most was that, despite the great diversity, everyone shared one common passion and that was a real love of craft beer. Believe me, that's not as simple as it sounds when one compares the great breweries we visited (Oskar Blues, O'Dell, New Belgium) with some that were damn scary (Big Beaver, in some half-ass garage, with a Joey Ramone clone serving up 8 different beers in mason jars, one worse than the next). In fact, Big Beaver was the weirdest brewery (term used loosely) that I've ever been to, and yet it was full of people (term used loosely) drinking up the swill being served as if it was a Sam Adams Utopia. We all are looking for that unique beer taste, that diamond in the rough (which will not be found at Big Beaver). We are all, in our own way, beer lovers, and for that, I am thankful to be a part of this community. Until next year!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

BC4M bids farewell to Dr. Gunthumper

Another week and yet another birthday was upon the BC4M as our beloved world traveling big game hunter, Snake, was turning 48, or was that 58? To answer that question, we have sent Freedom Of Information Act requests to not only the Social Security Administration, but Ducks Unlimited as well as the AARP. We are also anxiously awaiting the results from DNA testing at the Centers for Disease Control on some of Snake's hair follicles that he left behind after a pillow fight with a six pack of young "beavers" to determine just how old his crusty ass is. At the same time, we were sadly bidding farewell to our newest associate member, Dr. Luscious (pronounced LOO-SHUS) Gunthumper. Dr G,  Bim's closest associate at the local "free clinic", had recently been attending our weekly meetings and was poised to become the youngest member of the BC4M had it not been for his falling madly in lust with one of his patients. It seems our young lothario once had a secret past as a strip o'gram performer and cabaret singer that was unknown to anyone that wasn't light in the loafers or living in Ghent until that fateful day when a former recipient of his famous "blindfold surprise"  had shown up at the clinic with a stubborn case of vaginal itching resulting from a late night clitoral piercing gone bad. Upon entering the examining room, Luscious was immediately taken back to that fateful day when he had played an illicit game of "roasting the broomstick" with the thoroughly buxom yet innocent vixen that had suddenly gone 'goth' who was now anxiously awaiting more his soft touches, soothing vocals and most importantly, gyrating hip action. Who was this minx that captivated the empty soul of our young intern you might ask. Peaches Huggybottoms was the naive young lass that had become addicted to lap dances after receiving her first at the hands of our dancing doctor. She had gone on to spend a large chunk of her husbands retirement savings on an endless supply of beef stick and cheap tequila, always hopeful to once again be gazing up at the meat hammock of her first love, Dr. G. Touched by her heart warming story of love triumphing over both an empty bank account and a restraining order filed against her by a male dancer named Biff, who had mistakenly confided to her that he liked to wear her panties, Luscious decided to go against common sense and take her out for a romantic night of "furry play" that cemented their status as soul mates. Since this was his last night in town before he was to head out with Peaches in her deluxe RV for a month long trip to catch every show on Justin Beiber's sold out teeny bopper tour, we decided to send him off in true BC4M style. First up was a Founder's Blushing Monk (9.2%). Smelling like a fresh jar of raspberry preserves, this is one sensuous beer. Highly carbonated from its Belgian yeast, it is extremely rich and decadent, and was almost as good as the fruit beers from New Glarus. Really good was the score, so we moved on to a Laughing Dog Barrel Aged The Dogfather (11.0%). We had previously rated this one, but since Dr G likes his stouts like he likes his patients, dark and inviting, we poured him some of this sweet and boozy stout. A solid good, we then tried a Speakeasy Imperial Red Ale (8.2%) from that bastion of conservative values, San Franfreako. Despite hailing from the butt wrangler capitol of the planet, the beer was decent albeit a slight bit too malty for most of the attendees. Easy drinking though, it would make a solid session beer and earned a good. Next was a New Belgium Lips of Faith Kick (8.5%). Claiming to be made with pumpkins, the jackolantern covered bottle was instead the holder of a delicious sour that wasn't overpowering. "Damn this shit is awesome" said Fred as Frank the Tank added, "Pumpkins my ass, but its good". Another damn fine beer, we gave it a good and headed on to a New Belgium Hoptober (6.0%). Slightly hoppy, this is supposed to be a souped up version of Fat Tire, their everyday beer. This one is much better than Fat Tire and at $3 bucks a bomber, this is a great beer for enticing those tight boy shorts off your girl while not breaking the bank and forcing you to eat off the 99 cent menu. Another good, we cracked open a Troeg's Perpetual IPA (7.5%) from our favorite brewer in the Quaker state. Even hoppier than the last beer, this one was a hop bomb reminiscent of our favorites from the west coast and earned a really good. Continuing the hop parade, we tried a COAST Brewing HopArt (7.7%) which we had received from our buddy SCBeerguy. Despite the fact that the bottle was over a year old, we dived into it hoping to find the hop flavors still there. Sadly, it seems that the freshness date had long since passed by, so this one was off tasting and this old and decrepit bottle scored only a so-so. Next was another trader, this time it was a Bootlegger's Brewing Plum Riot (7.8%). Made with rock candy and plums, the bottle had a sick label featuring what looked like a plum jacked up on crystal meth and hankering for a half dozen slim jims. If only the beer tasted as good as the label looked as it was instead a weird mix of sugary sweet and Belgiany yeast that caused many of us to pour it out. A so-so was being kind, so we then decided to try a beer from a new Virginia brewery, the Roanoke Railhouse Loose Caboose (7.8%). This had about as much hops as a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, and the malt base coated the tongue like an oil slick. "This shit sucks" bellowed Fred, as Bim added, "Fuck, even I can make better beer than this". A check of their website shows that they don't even call the beer Loose Caboose anymore, its now just Caboose. Either way, it flat out sucks and is a strict drain pour. Hoping to finish the night on a good note, Fred went and retrieved a Goose Island Bourbon County Stout (2008 Version) (13.0%). Pouring out as dark as the underside of Oprah's left milk wagon, this is one amazing beer indeed. Sweet, rich chocolate and vanilla collide with a bourbon barrel oak flavor to create perfection in a glass. "Now that is fucking awesome" said Dr G, while Snake added, "I could drink this all damn night". An easy RFG, we savored each and every sip of this too soon gone delight. We then decided to call it a night as our departing Doctor had an early morning rendezvous for a brazilian man waxing under the careful hand of his beloved Peaches and her maniacal best friend Soo Hang-low. As we got up to leave, Wilder cranked up a soulful hit from his bottomless Ipod playlist that perfectly described the unique bond shared between the two lovebirds, the timeless classic from the brother's Gibb, More than a Woman.......

Wherever the road of life takes you brother, know you are always welcome to come back and join us for a cold one......

Friday, September 23, 2011

BC4M Doing It Doggy Style

As part of his job as a condom salesman, Crazy Ken recently traveled to Lexington Virginia to restock the gas station rubber machines with French Ticklers , Little Willy's, and generic condoms. Ken is a staunch supporter of condom use, often marching in area gay pride parades, spewing his message of condom awareness. However, putting all business aside, he stopped at a little brewery in Lexington called Blue Lab Brewing. While there, he picked up three growlers of their beers, IPA, Fresh Hopped IPA, and Stout. We started with the Blue Lab IPA (6%). Right from the start this one tasted familiar. Not the cigarette and Virginia Gentleman breath of a Norfolk hooker familiar, but something equally disturbing. This beer was a not so distant cousin of the CHC Brewing's homebrew, which is not a good thing. In a charitable move, we rated it a so/so. Next up was the Blue Lab Fresh Hopped IPA (6%). This beer was peppery, hoppy, with too little carbonation and too much homebrew bad taste. It was mentioned that it may have been made with the ball sweat of VMI cadets. It rated a sucks. And last up from this brewery was the Blue Lab Stout (4%). While by far the best of the three, it still had a bit of a homebrew taste and rated a split decision between so/so and good.
Having made short work of the Blue Labs, we proceeded to finish off the Thirsty Dog Brewing beers that Ken brought back after a condom stocking trip to Ohio. Ken was able to visit the brewery while there, but it wasn't long before Ken and his dog Butch were asked to leave after Butch became intoxicated and shit all over the tasting room floor. We started with the Thirsty Dog Raspberry Ale (3.9%). I haven't had beer this weak since I was 18 and drinking 3.2% beer in Ohio. This shit was weak, but had a nice raspberry smell and mild raspberry taste. Despite the light body, it rated a good. Next was the Thirsty Dog 75th Anniversary Ale (5.2%). We didn't bother to read the bottle, so we have no idea what 75th anniversary this ale celebrates. I would like to think it was the 75th anniversary of Popeye because "it is what it is and it ain't what it ain't." It's a good session beer, and rated so. Thirsty Dog Old Leghumper Robust Porter (6.7%) was a really nice porter. Smooth and dark as night, rating it a good. We then cracked open a Thirsty Dog Lock 3 German Style Lager (5.9%). It was agreed that the first sip tasted like ass, but by the third sip it was pretty good and rated so. And lastly, we tried the Thirsty Dog Siberian Night Imperial Stout (9.7%). This beer was good. It had a melted milkshake consistency, and it was a nice stout. However, it sure ain't Black Tuesday, and so it rated only a good. The general consensus was that Thirsty Dog makes some pretty good session beers. And with that, the BC4M doggystyle night was over, Woof Woof!  

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Fred turns 40, AGAIN

Recently, the BC4M had a chance to welcome one of Bim's co-workers Dr. Luscious Gunthumper, a rising young star in the suddenly ultra competitive gastro-intestinal field that goes by the call sign "Harry Colonic" over for a meeting. On this particular night, the BC4M was gathered at Fred's to once again celebrate his 40th birthday, an annual tradition started two years prior when he actually achieved that milestone. That first edition of his birthday bash had gone on to achieve legendary status in the hood after seeing some of the ladies doing coed keg stands, and "vodka ice luges", but was topped off by some witnesses reportedly seeing Fred going down the pool slide multiple times wearing only a mischievous grin and his birthday suit. This year however, Fred's better half, the delightfully feisty Nestle Goodbody had put her foot down and declared the pool and hot tub off limits for naked folk, but the rest was fair game. While the girls gathered in the kitchen to tarry at the grape and kill off bottles of some sort of magic panty peeling potion called Hypnotic, a veritable who's who of the BC4M membership showed up to welcome our guest and enjoy a buffet of NC style BBQ and chicken fingers. Snake, Wilder, D-Rail, Bim, Big Mike, OMT, Frank the Tank, Crazy Ken, Fred and 10pm said hello to not only Dr. G but also 10pm's brother, a professional cyclist turned home brewer named Howard Stout. Howie, one of a handful of survivors of the treacherous 2007 Tour de Kabul that saw 15 cyclists killed by a wayward goat herder hopped up on a combination of crystal meth and a belly full of sausage gravy, was in town to participate in the annual "Sand Grundle Invitational", an exhausting 40 mile sprint along water moccasin infested trails deep inside Back Bay. He had brought a sample of his home brew, so we decided to start the night with his Howard Stout Brewing Do or Die Rye (5.5%). This one poured a ruby red with a noticeable amount of chunks left over in the bottle. The taste was pretty good, as it got BC4M brewmaster Bim to tell Howard, "Fuck you, this is damn good". Everyone agreed, this tasted better than many of the commercial beers we had previously rated, and it would make a good session beer. A solid good, we then tried a Great Crescent Bourbon Barrel Stout (7.5%). As you know, we love the bourbon barrel aged beers, but this pile of dog shit had as much bourbon taste as a four day old bowl of soured oatmeal. A so so at best, we moved on to a beer that remarkably was even worse. Craggie Brewing's Burning Barrel:Bourbon Chipotle Porter (5.9%) was as much fun to taste as sharing a growler full of greasy donkey ball sweat. Wilder had purchased it back when we were in Winston Salem for the Barrel Aged Sexual Chocolate release because Fred had thought at the time, "that shit sounds good". Whatever it is that these morons do to the beer, they need to stop, because the beer has a soul as empty as Bim's after he has finished caressing your pet chinchilla Mr Squeeky. This one was a complete drain pour and rated a sucks so we cleansed our palates and cracked open a Jackie O's Oil of Aphrodite (10.0%). Bim had gotten his hands on this beer recently as a token of appreciation from the "Council of Gangrel" for filling in as a guest "wizard" at their weekly LARP gathering while back home in Ohio. The bottle claimed it was a double stout brewed with walnuts, and the taste backed the label up. "A springboard for true nuttiness" said Howard, as we were intrigued by the walnut flavor that gave way to a charcoal like ending but wondering just what the fuck he meant by that. "This needs to age a bit" said Snake, "I bet it gets a whole lot smoother with time". A decent beer, we gave it a good and then tried an Ithaca Brewing Old Habit (9.0%). This one shot out of the glass like a money shot from everybodys favorite adult film star,  "The Milkman". "Damn, what is this, Zima?" said Wilder. Sweet and bubbly, this is a crisp and tart, sorta like a wine spritzer. "What is this, the wine club for pussies?" said Snake, "get this shit out of here" he added. So so at best, we then decided it was time to open up a DuClaw Colossus (21.92%). This beast poured like the Mount Vesuvius of sugar, as you could smell the sticky sweetness in the air as the bottle was passed around. "Holy fuck, I can already feel the cavities forming" said Wilder, as we sipped on this super rich delight that hinted at being a barleywine, but also had smooth velvety finish. This one was a winner, and it received a unanimous really good. Next was a fresh bottle of Kern River Citra DIPA (8.0%) that we had received in trade from our pals Kasey and Ryan out in California. This one smelled amazing as we sniffed the floral nose that said, "fuck yes that's grapefruit". Wow, this one hits the tastes buds so smooth and with a huge rush of hops. An amazing beer, the room was evenly split between really good and RFG, so we had to settle for really good. Next was another trading bottle from the land of fruits, nuts and liberals, this time from our friends Patty and Derek who had sent us an Alpine Exponential Hoppiness (11.0%). Alpine makes some of the best beers on the planet, and this one was simply to quote Fred, "outfuckinstanding". Hops assault your tongue with a hidden alcohol bomb that goes down without a hiccup. "That is sure as fuck an RFG" said Bim, as we enjoyed this immensely tasty worthy peer to our beloved Pliny. Trying to keep the mood going, we then opened a Cigar City Papaya IPA (7.5%). Brewed with unsweetened dried papaya, this one had a very unique taste. Dr G immediately said, "this is awful, like a moldy pop-tart", but everyone else said it was either "interesting" or "not too bad" so it got a good. It probably suffered from having followed the two nearly perfect beers prior, so maybe we will try this one another time. Moving on, we opened a The Bruery 100% Barrel Aged Cuir (14.5%), their 3rd anniversary beer. As many of you may know, Fred and Nestle got to meet Bruery founder Patrick Rue while they were out on a 5 day beer drinking marathon earlier this year in California. Fred, the chairman of the BC4M's right wing faction had asked Patrick just how the hell you pronounced the name of this beer, and like a college lad discovering the joys of "dutch ovening" your new girlfriend, he got a chuckle upon learning the proper way to say it is QUEER. The regular version had been rated earlier and was still green and needed aging, but this one is super rich, sweet and boozy, sorta like that Aunt with the floppy cans that likes to give u hug after hug at Christmas time. The jokes were flying while we sipped this, as Dr G added, "I really like the Cuir" while Bim added, "it goes in and around the mouth so easily". Despite the name (it means leather in French, the traditional third anniversary item), it was easily an RFG, so we happily moved on to a The Bruery Batch 300 Trippel (8.2%), a homebrew contest winner that is an oaked trippel brewed with those delicious Citra hops. This one was pretty damn good, and BC4M head brewer Bim once again shouted out, "Another fucking homebrew that tastes awesome, well fuck him!" A solid good, we then tried a DuClaw Naked Fish (4.6%), a raspberry chocolate stout that tasted like a watery Whitman's sampler cordial. "This shit sucks" said Snake, as we were all let down by this watery mess. If they could make it more robust and richer in body they would have a winner, but this is thinner than a melted Andes mint. So-so was the result, so we then got out the last two beers of the night. First was a Jolly Pumpkin Maracaibo Especial (7.5%). This one take the chocolate flavor and adds some barnyard funk and sour notes to it. It envelops your tongue with the tartness and then dissolves into a chocolate fountain  as it rolls over your tonsils. This was a really good, a huge hit among the sour lovers at the table. To end the night, we decided to crack open an Olde Rabbits Foot 2011 (11.0%). Pouring as dark as the tan on Dr G's fiance, this one is a real delight. Chocolate, toffee and vanilla meld seamslessly with the bourbon notes from the Pappy Van Winkle barrels used to age this beast. Another winner, this one also just missed out on RFG status with a really good. By this time, the entire entourage was cooked, and while we watched D-Rail and Dr G polish off the last remaining scraps of food like a pair of junkyard hounds we decided to call it a night. Another successful birthday down and nary a naked person to be seen, (a first for the neighborhood), we looked forward to our next meeting, where we would usher Snake one year closer to the big 5-0. Until next time...

Friday, September 2, 2011

Haiku you Motherf*$#%rs

If you are an avid follower of Bim on Twitter (@BC4MBIM), then you know he is a 69th degree master garter belt Haikusan (or what Southerners might call a "High-Cooo-Est") since just about every one of his tweets is crafted in the ancient Japanese poetry style. For years now, he has been honing his art much like a plumber or brick mason learns the skill of their trade with thousands of hours of dedicated apprenticeship. Bim first discovered his love of haiku while he was a young Naval Ensign stationed in Yokuska, Japan during the Korean War. Although he spent a majority of his days discovering the pleasures of coquettish Geisha's  while logging hours as an intern at the local infirmary/happy ending parlor, his nights consisted of repeated drunken encounters with the mightiest of weapons, the pen. His malt liquor and mescaline fueled pinings to his betrothed, (a fiesty young nursing school student named Florence Naughtygale  who was at the time back home in Ohio contemplating Bim's offer of marriage), were his only escape during his daunting 42 month long tour as a proctologist with a specialty in treating "ladyboy" showboat floozies suffering from "rectal prolapse". To honor our very own BC4M Poet Laureate, we decided to do the reviews of the beers we tried at a recent Executive Council meeting of the Founding Fathers "Haiku style". First up was a Mikkeller 1000 IBU's (9.6%). This one promised a good game as you all know we love the hop bombs prevalent among the west coast breweries, but this Danish import was about as hoppy as a spoonful of sour milk of magnesia. A mere so-so at best,

"Where for art thou hops? Thy bitterness surely lacks, Get it right fucknuts!"

Next, were two beers Bim brought back from a recent trip to a medical conference  in Baltimore where he gave the keynote address titled "Hemorrhoids and You, Two Pains in the Ass" . Both were forgettable as the Pub Dog Blueberry Dog (4.0%) was a flavorless cup of grape juice and the Pub Dog Very Cherry (5.2%) was best suited for preschoolers and bed wetters in need of nap time. Both were the true definition of sucks and if it wasn't for the sink staining dye that they used to color this swill up, these would have surely been drain pours.

"Red water pours out, Flavorless ass in a glass, Total shit indeed"

"Kid friendly koolaid, Alcohol free cough syrup?, Cease brewing we plead"

We then opened a jug of East End Brewing's Bigger Hop (9.0%) that we got in trade from Pennsylvania craft beer king, Jeff Kupko. This one was bitter but slightly more malty on the finish, but still quite tasty and got a solid good. Not quite in the category of say Alpine's Nelson or Duet, it's still a damn fine IPA and very well made.

"Very bitter start, Malty piney finishing, You ain't Double Jack"

Another gift received via beer trade, this one from Tim Dean of NYC, was a Captain Lawrence Nor'Easter (12.0%). This is an ale aged in bourbon barrels and brewed with elderberries to which Snake asked, 'Did you say dingleberries?" The taste was damn good as it had just a hint of sour funk to mellow the bourbony heat. J Wilder wasn't as sold on it as Bim and Fred were, but it still got a really good from the assembled group.

"Bourbon barrel aged, Elderberries, what are they?, Sweet and sour delight"

Next was a Sierra Nevada / Dogfish Head Life and Limb Vol. 2 (10.2%). The original version had garnered an RFG back when the lads were drunk as one eyed hoot-owls during last years GABF. Still, we anxiously awaited our first sip of this dark vixen. This one had a mishmash of delightful flavors, some pointing out chocolate and pine, others noting grapefruit and lemon peel. We all decided it was really good, but just not quite up to the first edition's level.

"Boozy dark and sweet, Life NOR limb does it warrant, Maybe a toenail?"

The final beer of the night was The Bruery Tart of Darkness (5.6%). This is one of their newest releases from their "Provisions Series" and it is a huge hit with the BC4M. Stout can't be mixed with sour you might suggest, but once you try this, you will crave it like a crack whore  jonesing the glass dick, it's fucking fantastic. Full bodied without being heavy, it is a perfect after dinner treat and easily earned an RFG.

"Sultry dark vixen, Divine sour puckers the tongue, Seduction complete"

Since it was a school night for some of us, we decided to end the evening on a high note with the deliciousness of Tart. Hopefully after reading this, the poetry snobs and flat chested women's lib majors among you won't be lock yourself away in a dark room listening to Morrissey screech and moan while wailing and gnashing your teeth against the defamation your sacred art form just received with our machinations on beer. If you find yourself in that position, just call the 1-800-SylviaPlath hotline for angst ridden, ritalin addled "artists" and remember, Haiku You Motherfuckers!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

What's Round on the Ends and Hi in the Middle? O...HI...O...Mofo!

Another epic trip back to Ohio for me, Bim, and my lovely bride, Florence Naughtygale and kids. I was going to try, once again, to prove to family and friends that I am not, in fact, Cincinnati Gay. Although it was primarily a business trip (I own the largest gloryhole business on the east coast. We manage gloryholes in 12 states, all east of the Mississippi, mostly through contracts with state governments who allow us the use of their public restrooms).  In between a few awkward family meetings and some partaking of my second favorite kind of 3 way, the Skyline Chili type, we managed to get in a little beer shopping. First stop was a place called Dutch's. This used to be called Dutch's Pony Keg. Pony kegs are small beer kegs, but in Cincinnati, it's also a term used for small convenience stores. Back in the days of Bim's youth, were men were men and ships had sails, one could buy beer as well as block ice, sodas and maybe some nickel candy from a pony keg. Today, Dutch's is a one-of-a-kind beer store. The store has a garage door right on the sidewalk, that, once lifted, reveals hundreds of empty bottles. Make your selection, and the clerk dissappears into the walk-in fridge to find your beer. All pretty bizzare, but cool at the same time. We were able to find all sorts of little known breweries such as Listermann's, Wooden Shoe, and North Peak.

Why do all the trees in Ohio lean towards the west? Because Indiana sucks! (which may be my next gloryhole advertising slogan!) Well at least they used to before Three Floyds set up shop in Munster. My destination, Lawrenceburg, Indiana is home to several beer stores, most notably The Pour House Bottle Shop. While there was plenty of Bud Light to be found, there was also a generous selection of 3 Floyds, and even a growler of Great Crescent Barrel aged Stout. Total haul from Cincinnati and Southern Indiana: 60 beers and maybe a few relatives that now believe that I am not gay, not that there's anything wrong with being gay... or loving animals for that matter.

Last stop in the buckeye state was a little place with a big reputation: Jackie O's Pub. Back when I, Bim, was a young college student, I attended the number one party school in the USA, Ohio University. There was no Jackie O's back then, only shitty bars with shitty beers, and a buttload of hippies, protesting everything and anything. The hippies are still there, just a little older, but students nowadays can sample finely crafted beers like OPA (Ohio Pale Ale), Black Betty stout and Oil of Aphrodite. Brewmaster Brad Clark is cranking out some fantastic beers on a small scale. The following are reviews of those beers, and more: Black Betty (9%) is an imperial porter fermented on raspberries and aged on vanilla beans. Straight off the tap it was a smooth black wonderful beer! Oil of Aphrodite (10%) is an imperial stout brewed with walnuts and Belgian candy sugar. Sound good? It was fucking amazing! The OPA (Ohio Pale Ale 6%) was an excellent pale ale, rivaling the Alpha King from 3 Floyd's. Mystic Mama (7%) is a west coast IPA, and was smooth but not as hoppy as expected. Hogwash (5.2%) was just that. Not my style of beer, as I'm not too fond of smokey beers. Firefly Amber (5%) was a good session beer, but nothing special. And last on the list was Drawn and Portered (7%) which was smooth as silk and about as good a porter as I've ever had. While at Jackie O's, I was fortunate enough to meet a fellow beer lover, Mike, who was willing to trade me for some fine Jackie O's beers. Thank's again Mike, you made a great trip to Ohio even better! With the beers in hand we packed up the family car and headed home with our bounty. Looking forward to my next trip to the Buckeye State!