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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Saturday, June 18, 2011

It'll always be Gordon to the BC4M

It was on one of the earliest BC4M meetings on record, a brown ale night dubbed "Squirrel Nut Sippers", which somehow devolved into a 24 beer all night stumble home drunk debacle typical of our earlier days, that we discovered a little "can'o bliss" from our buddies in Colorado, Oskar Blues. It was described by more than a few BC4M members that night as one of the smoothest beers they had ever tasted and when we aren't rating beers but are just hanging by the pool, or "making it rain" at the local mammary salon, you can bet your sweet ass and half a titty Gordon (8.7%) is at the top of the list for beers to relax with. The story of how they come up with an amazing beer for an amazing man, is right here. As it says on the back of the can, "If you knew Gordon Knight, this ale needs no explanation. If you didn't we're sorry". That sure as fuck says it all doesn't it? America is filled with everyday heroes like Gordon Knight, and it continues to be an honor for the BC4M to drink his namesake beer. Earlier this year, Fred stumbled across a news story that said industry giant Gordon Biersch had sent Oskar Blues a cease and desist letter saying they couldn't use the name Gordon anymore. Now we realize that when the average beer geek sees the name Gordon, they instantly think of Gordon Biersch right? Hell the fuck no they don't, cause there ain't a single fucking beer that Gordon B makes that is even remotely in the same zip code as Oskar Blues (apologies to our associate member Big Audio Dynamite, who is a stein club member in good standing at the local GB and truly loves their Hefeweizen). Mistaking Gordon for something Gordon Biersch makes is the same as mistaking a Quarter Pounder with cheese for Filet Mignon. Does Pepsi sue Coke because they both use the word Cola on their packaging? Of course the fuck not, and although we realize that this is probably an idea that sprang from some nameless corporate board whose only purpose is to squeeze every beat of creativity out of the craft beer industry and who probably couldn't tell you the difference between an oatmeal raisin cookie and a fudge brownie we still think it's fucking bullshit and a disgrace to a legendary man and GABF brewing champion. Gordon Biersch used to be one of the BC4M favorites until this douchebag decision was made, and in fact one time we even had a sweet behind the scenes tour of the local GB thanks to the great guys that manage the restaurant.  Despite that, Fred has gone on record saying GB is no longer welcome at the Flintstone estate and he gladly donated his GB growlers to the local landfill to prevent them from ever being refilled again. The boys at Oskar Blues decided not to fight the uphill legal battle to keep the name since some inane copyright law and a bunch of ham fisted liberal turd burglers would probably side for the big boys in this one. They have since decided to rename the beer to G'Knight, but have thankfully kept the same color scheme on the can and the same Really Fucking Good beer inside. So tonight, I drink one final can of Gordon, and toast the legend himself with an early F.M. radio classic  and to a beer that will forever remain known to the BC4M as Gordon.........R.I.P. Gordon Knight,  "Big, Red, Sticky"

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Celebrating 50,000 blog hits w/The Drunken Polack

When BC4M founding father Bim came up with an idea in early 2010 to create a blog about our beer exploits, fellow founding fathers Johnny Wilder and Fred along with Bim's wife Florence Naughtygale heartily scoffed at the thought. "Who in the hell would waste their time reading an amateur beer blog" said Florence, "especially one written by you nitwits" she sarcastically added. Fred and Wilder thought it was an interesting idea but figured Bim would quickly tire with the hassle of maintaining a website since it would take him away from his first love, animal husbandry. Incredibly, as if a light from beyond had suddenly illuminated their darkened souls, Bim's initial postings were feasted on by  anonymous internet groupies that craved humorous beer anecdotes like a homeless bum stripping a half dozen carnival turkey legs to the bone. Before we knew it, we had blog followers and our web traffic counter began to take off like the national debt. One night in fact, a sassy and by then slightly tipsy Florence had promised a full-on mouth hug to our suddenly eager "Shakespearean" wordsmith if the "blog" was ever to reach 500 hits (a number so large that it seemed more likely for D-Rail to successfully motorboat Lady Gaga than for us to achieve) . With that reward planted freshly in his mind, Bim began to crank out concise yet charmingly vulgar reviews of our meetings. In fact, it was his first ever post and its hilarious Japanese-English translation that got Fred's creative and big sweater puppies loving spirit in motion and spurred him on to start writing for the blog. Before we knew it we had reached 500 hits and it was only April. An excited Bim eagerly spread the news to the BC4M that we had reached the magical "blowjob" number, and then spent the entire month desperately trying to redeem his hummer coupon. After one memorable night of heavy drinking, a stumbling Bim went to bed expecting to unleash the hounds on his bride, but the sight of a passed out Florence caused him to explode in rage and perform the "Angry Schneiderman" maneuver that not only resulted in a few nights on the downstairs couch, but also a trip to the ER after she awoke to the mess and grabbed hold of his junk giving him the "angry pinnochio" as payback. Barely over a year later we found ourselves looking at over 50,000 blog hits, and deemed it time to celebrate in typical over the top BC4M style. Since we were full of piss and vinegar about reaching such a big milestone, we figured it was prime time to crack open some of our rare selections from Fred's beer fridge, including The Bruery's coveted Chocolate Rain. To help share in the festivities, we invited over a fellow local blogger, a one man craft beer wrecking crew named The Drunken Polack who has tasted upwards of a thousand beers by himself. He had mentioned to Fred about wanting to try the Chocolate Rain, so we were thrilled when he accepted our invitation and arrived with a few rarities from his vast beer cellar. Fred, Snake Bim and Wilder and TDP gathered around the bubbling cauldron of cheese dip and the slices of sausage that Fred's better half Nestle Goodbody had prepared and began to dive into the selections for the evening. First up was The Bruery Old Richland (9.0%), a "hoppy American style barleywine" according to the bottle. From their Provision series, this one was very spicy, almost peppery with a back end that was piney and resinous from the hops. A unique taste all its own, it didn't have the sweet backbone of the typical barleywine but it was still damn good. Next was one from TDP's cellar,  a The Bruery Barrel Aged Autumn Maple (10.0%). The regular version of this beer tasted like a liquified bottle of candied yams and wasn't very appealing. Evidently, they changed the recipe up some as this one is completely different and had a slightly tart undertone. Just a subtle hint of sweet potato shined through, but the star of this bottle was its pleasantly sour finish, rating a really good. The Bruery Cuadruple (10.0%) was opened next, a dark Belgian style ale that is brewed with agave. The agave sugar really comes through at the end, as the beer is fairly pedestrian until the alcohol explosion at the end warms you up. We gave this one a really good as well, so we continued with a The Bruery Sour in the Rye (8.7%). The bottle on this claims its "not a phony" and it definitely doesn't disappoint. Sweet, sour, and peppery rye notes all come alive in this decadent vixen that we all agreed was really good. The night was young, the beers were amazing, so we continued with The Bruery Coton (14.5%). Amazingly enough, The Bruery just celebrated their 3rd anniversary in May, and this one is their 2nd anniversary beer. In fact, while in San Diego this past April, Fred had the opportunity to spend an entire afternoon sharing drinks with Bruery founder Patrick Rue.  It is amazing how good most of their beers are when they have only been at it for such a short time. Coton is a bourbony blend of flavors that somehow manages to have your tongue capturing essences of vanilla, prunes, oak and toffee. Complex doesn't being to describe how rich this beer is and it also got a really good. We moved on to The Bruery Marron Acidifie (8.5%), a sour collaboration beer they did with another of our favorite breweries, Cigar City. Sour from the moment it hits your mouth, this one has a very slight sweetness from the fruits added to it that takes the edge off the tongue curling pucker from the lactic kick at the beginning. Another really good, this had turned out to be the greatest night in BC4M history in terms of beer grades. We then got to try another TDP beer, The Bruery White Oak (11.5%). Described as 50% of their Mischief ale and 50% of their wheatwine White Oak Sap aged in bourbon barrels, this was the surprise of the night for everyone. Imagine being told you were gonna taste something that combined caramel, coconut and vanilla. Sounds a bit odd at first, but this was a flavor explosion that expertly balanced all three flavors at various points of each sip. "I ain't gonna lie, I love this shit" said Wilder, as we all agreed, this was an easy RFG. We moved on to The Bruery Melange #1 (9.5%), a mixture of their sour Oude Tart and dark and rich Black Tuesday. Another unique mixture, it had hints of cherries and dark fruits with a sour base that has bits of the dark roasted humongous stout in the background. "Fuck, that is fucking good as fuck" said Fred, as we had again found an RFG. We then pulled out another TDP gift, a Cigar City/Mikkeller collaboration Niehls Bohrium (10.0%). A newly released masterpiece that mixed Dirac and Bohr Imperial Sweet Stout, it is a dark beer brewed with raisins and cinnamon and aged in rum barrels. Dark, rich and sultry, this was a beer to chew on and tasted like it could fortify you with a 100% daily supply of vitamins and minerals. Yet another RFG had been added to the list, so we decided it was time to finally open the beer that we had all been anxiously awaiting, The Bruery Chocolate Rain (18%). Most beers simply don't live up to the hype but this one exceeded it without exception. Not as dark as its little brother, Black Tuesday, it is as smooth as a freshly waxed ebony vajizzle dipped in milk chocolate. Hot chocolate and vanilla with a mellow bourbon kick, its hard to put into words how fantastic this beer is. The only appropriate way to drink this is by sipping small amounts and letting your tongue go on a magical journey to taste sensations it has never been to. Before we knew it, the bottle was empty and we all realized just how superior this beer is to all others we have had. Fred declared, "Boys, what got here is a REALLY REALLY FUCKING GOOD", cause RFG just ain't gonna cut it. Easily the best beer we have ever had, we jokingly created the RRFG category to bestow an honor symbolic of how fucking good this actually is. We had two more beers to try and we knew that they would probably be after thoughts but we plunged ahead anyway. We opened up the 3rd anniversary beer from The Bruery Cuir (14.5%) which was a hodpodge of flavors that tended to be a little raw from the heat of the alcohol. This one needs to age just a little, and we are anxiously awaiting the arrival of the Barrel Aged version we ordered from The Bruery Reserve Society. This one only rated a good so we decided to end the night by drinking one final gift from TDP, A Cigar City Humidor Series Jai Alai IPA (7.5%). Aged on cedar, this is a delicious twist on the popular IPA style that the BC4M loves. The hoppy front takes a back seat to the cedar finish and had it not been a night of big booze bombers, we might have rated this higher than the really good it received. We decided to end the night there, having never had so many great beers at one sitting. We got TDP a cab ride home, hoping he didn't end up either on the back of a milk carton or starring in midget porn on late night cable. An amazing evening was done, and as the BC4M stumbled home, Wilder's boombox serenaded the quiet hood with an ode to our newest favorite beer........Chocolate Rain...

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Hail and Farewell

Recently we found out that our terrorist chasing brother, Frank the Tank, had received orders to a new command up near the nations capital. Tank's newest assignment was to lead an elite team of female assassins known in the Special Ops world as "The Nookie Ninjas". Since Tank would be spending the next two years away from home whipping his "girls" into shape, we decided to get together to celebrate his continued loyal service to our country with some rare beers. Fred, Bim, Snake, Crazy Ken, D-Rail, Prince Mike and 10pm all gathered poolside on Tank's spacious Delaware sized deck to give him a proper Hail and Farewell. When we arrived, we were greeted by Tank's vivacious bride, a spitfire named Teresita Fuentes, who in 1991 had caused a then young and erstwhile Lt. Tank, hopped up on a fifth of cheap dime-store tequila to fall madly in love one sultry summer in South Beach. It seems that Teresita or "Bolita de Fuego" as she was then known on the grueling and ultra-competitive southern Florida Flamenca dancing circuit, had seduced our wide-eyed Jersey boy into joining her for a stunningly triumphant championship run at the 25th annual "Caliente Escroto de Amorte Invitational". The two have been together ever since, and occasionally they thrill the neighborhood with late night renditions of their winning dance routine, the sultry yet hamstring abusing "El Diablo del Recto".
As she filled the table with enough food to feed in Fred's immortal words, "Chairman Mao's fucking Chi-com army", we watched in mock horror as D-Rail polished off an an array of delectable treats like a bedwetting fat kid sucking down a box of double-stuffed Oreos. That evening we also had the pleasure of welcoming one of Tank's dearest cousins, a delightful paisan from "da Shore" named Salvatore "Dirty Playboy Manigotti. Sal, who was in town to oversee the opening of his newest "champagne room", a charmingly sophisticated all night truckstop/motel called "Slip Right Inn" which featured 24 hour a day service from the always popular topless hash slingers (Gives a whole new meaning to "smothered, covered and chunked"). As we started the night, we first opened a Stillwater Artisinal "A Saison Darkly" (12.0%). This one was a nad kicker right from the start as the thick viscous syrup poured like a cold bottle of Aunt Jemima's finest. Bim, who once spent an entire summer at the teat of a lookalike Auntie J herself, was flush with excitement as he tasted this dark Belgian elixir that had hints of raisins in its profile. "Ah, reminds me of those gorgeous milk filled balloons", he had suckled the summer he had turned 14. We decided the beer (much like a milk filled breasticle) was pretty damn tasty and gave it a good. The next two were from a Swedish brewer, Dugges, with their 1/2 Idjit Imperial Porter (7.0%) which was dark chocolatey and as raw as a freshly Nair'ed whisker biscuit. The Dugges Nevermind the Bollux (9.0%) was a double IPA that was sweeter than normal but still quite good. Next was a De Scheldebrouwerij Turnhout Hop Ruiter (8.0%). "Damn that's a long fucking name" said our scribe, Fred, as we tasted another in a long line of subpar blond ales that are rife with that annoying Belgian yeast flavor we abhor. A so-so at best, we moved on to a 2010 Founder's Kentucky Breakfast Stout (11.2%). While we poured a round, Tank yelled out to the kitchen, "are the sausages ready?" Thinking that was a euphemism for erectile dysfunction, Doctor Bim quickly wrote Tank a prescription for the little blue "whiskey dick" pills that seem to be in the medicine cabinet of every wannabe pimpmaster these days. "Does that shit really work" said a suddenly inquisitive D-Rail, who had wasted hundreds on lotions, potions and herbal remedies in a futile effort to convince his newest "girlfriend" Akira that his adult chat room alter ego was indeed "The Manaconda" and not a work of fiction. The beer itself was a far cry from last year's version, which we had frantically searched for until Bim's Dad scored the final 4 pack at one of our favorite beer joints The Party Source, by donkey punching three girl scout troop leaders. Last year it was too boozy, and needed time to age whereas the 2010 version is simply phenomenal. Incredibly mellow, it was bourbony without being over the top and packed a strong flavor that didn't burn your throat like the innards of a freshly nuked Hot Pocket would. Easily an RFG, we moved on to a selection of favorites from Goose Island. First was their base double Imperial Stout, the dark as squid ink Goose Island Nightstalker (11.7%). We had rated this one a really good last year, but obviously our palettes are more refined as this one was ultra smooth and rich like a melted dark chocolate Dove bar. "That shit is fucking awesome" said Bim, as Snake added, "As smooth as rolling your tongue around a pole dancer's silk thong", this one was also upgraded to RFG. As many of our loyal readers know, Tank is a huge fan of bourbons and whiskies, so Fred thought it appropriate to bring out the complete line of Bourbon County Stouts for Tank to enjoy. All are previously rated RFG, so we first opened a Goose Island Coffee Bourbon County Stout (13.0%). Like the tantalizing aroma of a fresh brewed cup of morning joe, like the rest of the stable in the BCS line, it is ultra smooth and rich. The guys that hadn't previously tried this were amazed at the depth of complexity of the flavors that perfectly blended coffee and bourbon. Next was a Goose Island Bourbon County Stout (13.0%). The bourbon barrel aged version of Nightstalker, it takes all the great flavor of that beer and give it a sourmash flavor enhancement that screams "Yes I am that fucking amazing". "Fuck these are some good beers"" said the seemingly tapeworm afflicted D-Rail, between his continued bites of hot off the grill sausages. "Watch out Tank, he might set up camp in your backyard and never leave" said Fred. We then opened a Goose Island Vanilla Bourbon County Stout (13.0%), which somehow reminds you of an iced vanilla latte with a hint of Jameson's in it. This one is Snake's favorite as it reminds him of youthful indiscretions such as giving the local tribeswomen the vaunted "platinum shower" during summer's overseeing his uncle's vanilla plantation in Madagascar. Our final beer was the Goose Island Rare Bourbon County Stout (13.0%). This one is aged for 2 years in 23 yr old Pappy Van Winkle bourbon barrels. We have had it before and it is one of the best beers we have ever tried. Picking a favorite among these beers is akin to picking out your favorite child, cause each of them is unique and world class. This is even smoother than the others and has just the right balance of bourbon and stout flavors. Get your hands on any and all of these beers, and you will not be disappointed. Out of beers, and slightly drunk, we decided we would pay one final salute to our departing brother. As many of you know, we all live in the same quaint "neighborhood" and next door to Tank's lives one of our Founding Fathers, Johnny Wilder. Normally, one of our pranks after we drink at Wilder's is to pee on the side of Tank's house. This has been going on for years and it is stunning to see the award winning flower bed that soaks up all our spent fuel.  To help Tank pay Johnny back, we decided the best course of action was to "Wet the Woodie", so we promptly unloaded a 21 gun salute on Wilder's prized restoration project. Hopefully, our extra strength bourbon flavored piss will contain enough oxidizing power to eliminate the few remaining rust spots on his surf wagon. 

As we finished delivering a drenching to the lawn and everything nearby, we saluted Tank one last time as we headed off. Thankfully, Tank is only a few hours north of us and he plans on coming back to share in weekend BC4M sessions. Until then, we wish him fair winds and following seas, and of course, drinks aplenty. Salude