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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Monday, December 6, 2010

Thar She Blows

With the holiday season fast approaching, the boys in the BC4M knew that their chances for having meetings would dwindle as the various members would be "persuaded" into doing manly things such as a peaceful day of "shopping with the Mrs.", baking "cookies" for the Ladies of CHC cookie swap, picking out that "unique" tree decoration for the annual neighborhood ornament exchange, or making like Clark W. Griswald and making the front yard visible from as far away as say Santiago, Chile. We found a hole in the schedule last Thursday that allowed for Bim, 10pm, Snake and Johnny Wilder to meet at Fred's for another round of Whale-a-palooza 2010. As Fred and Snake opened up the garage fridge where the whales were resting peacefully, the reigning coed double sculled kayak champion of the group, Bim, let out a raucous "Thar She Blows" that signaled the group to come to order for the meeting. First up was a Firestone Walker 14th Anniversary Ale (12.5%). This is a special blend of several of the Firestone Walker beers, including Parabola, Sticky Monkey and Black Xantos. This a barrel aged blend that is simply fantastic. The flavor was like a slightly boozy chocolate caramel latte with an incredible finish. A great way to start the night off, we gave it a really good. Next was an Italian import Baladin Nora (6.8%). Supposedly an Egyptian style brew, it is made with a form of wheat called kamut, to which ginger, myrrh and Vatican city urinal water is added, because this "beer" was simply awful. "What the fuck" asked the always charitable Fred, "This shit tastes like I'm eating the runoff from Cleopatra's yeast infection." "Damn Fucking Eye-talians paying us back for kicking their fettuccine eating asses back in WWII". Sucks was the vote for this 12 oz. version of extra strength vagisil. We moved on to a Chimay Premiere (7.0%), a Trappiste style beer that is both creamy and easy drinking, with the typical Belgian yeastiness that is predominant in the style. Decent, but not as good as the Chimay Blue, we gave it a good. While we decided on the next beer, we flipped through the channels and found one the most endearing Christmas classics of all time, Rudolph, and then about pissed our lederhosen when the scene with Hermie the Elf in the workshop came on. As we recovered from laughing ourselves almost sober, we cracked open a Harvey & Sons (Lewes) LTD Imperial Extra Double Stout (9.0%). Most British imports tend to have a very peculiar malt flavor that we aren't fond of, but this one was more like a dark chocolate bar. Smokey, slightly sweet and full of flavor, we enjoyed this smooth as a pair of silk pajamas stout from our English cousins. A solid good, we moved on to a Hitachino Nest Commemorative Ale (8.0%). "Hell, a fucking Jap beer, a fucking English beer and a fucking Italian beer, all we need now is a few fucking Kraut and Soviet beers and we got us the BC4M version of Axis and Allies" said Fred, whose great-uncle was famed Army Ranger Lt. Aldo Raine. The beer wasn't much better than Fred's feelings on "damn Tojo and the Huns" . "Its alright" was the immediate response from 10pm, who has rates most beers on the initial sip. "This is like a carbonated malt volcano" said Bim as we watched the poured head rise like a 20 year old's woodie upon seeing his girlfriends sweater puppies nekid for the first time. This beer was made with seemingly every spice known to the native of Southeast Asia and despite that fact it still tasted decent so it got a so-so. Cascade Brewing's Bourbonic Plague (12.1%) was offered next. A northwest style sour ale, it is brewed using both wine and bourbon barrels and has just a hint of sour to it. 10pm said, "Its getting better with every sip", while Snake (known for his dislike of small boobs and sour beers) said it was "pretty damn good". This one is boozy without making you feel like you slept in a bourbon barrel all night and the touch of sour gives it a unique finish. A really good was the grade as we continued with a New Belgium 2°Below (6.6%). Normally, they make some decent beers, but this was just plain shitty. "The Yuengling of craft beers" said Bim, as J. Wilder added it was so weak the bartender might say "Need a beer to go with your 2° Below?". So-so is giving it more credit than it deserves, but since it isn't quite at the sucks level we gave it a reprieve. We decided to give New Belgium another chance by trying their Lips of Faith 2010 La Folie (6.0%). A true sour, this one is tart, crisp and sweet at the finish. A true classic, we will be buying more of this really good "madness" in a bottle. We then decided it was time to bust open the whales scheduled for the evening. First up was Cigar City's Marshal Zhukov Russian Imperial Stout (11.0%). Big, bold and over the top, like the famed "Rooskie" General its named for, this one was as smooth as the skimpy satin panties your ex-girlfriend used to model for you in your dorm room before she found out you liked to plant your face in her best friends crotchless panties even more. "Holy shit!, this is amazing" proclaimed Fred, as the taste rolled over your tongue like a tsunami of melted chocolate. The group was split, as some wanted to go RFG, but the majority declared that although outstanding, it rated a mere really good. The next whale was Goose Island Coffee Bourbon County Stout (13.0%). Imagine if you will the smoothest, creamiest iced coffee you have ever tasted and then gave it a kick with some ultra premium bourbon. This is what you get with this beer, it made the really smooth Zhukov taste as smooth as a bowl of lumpy mashed potatoes. The vanilla hints mixed with the not too bitter coffee simply made this a truly remarkable beer. Even Wilder, who has yet to meet a coffee flavored stout he likes, remarked that "I ain't gonna lie, this shit is awesome". RFG was the unanimous vote as we decided to keep the stout love going with a Port Brewing Older Viscosity (12.0%). "Not your dad's 30 weight" read the label, as we poured our third straight black as tar bottle of motor oil. Also aged in whiskey barrels, "Are we ever gonna try something not fucking barrel aged?" asked the suddenly loquacious Wilder who normally spends his time at the meetings endlessly texting clients for his ever expanding wholesale fleshlight business which trades on the NYSE as "Dick Wood's Hardware". If it weren't for the high standard set by the Bourbon County Stout, this one would probably get an RFG as well, but it was not quite on that level so it got a really good. Two beers were all that remained on the agenda, so we plowed forward with a Founder's Nemesis (12.0%). This is their yearly brew that changes annually as they attempt to "diabolically brew to decimate ordinary average run of the mill beers". Claiming to contain 100 IBU's, this one went down easy but had a noticeable burn that had us wondering what firewater they brewed this with. "100 IBU's my ass" said noted hop grower Bim, "but it sure as hell tastes fucking good". We all agreed, this supposed "wheat wine" was indeed unique and earned a solid good. The final beer of the evening was Bell's 25th Anniversary Ale (8.5%). By this time of the night, our taste buds were probably a bit saturated from the alcohol bombs we were guzzling like locusts in a corn field. This beer was ok, in that it didn't stand out in any way, and would probably get a better grade if it got rated earlier in the evening. This one was so-so to good because it lacked any defining characteristics and was unremarkable in flavor. We had finished off the collection for the evening, another RFG added to the list and several really goods to go along with it. The meeting was adjourned and as we got up to leave, we raised our glasses for a final toast, "Long live the whales"... Until our next sea story.....Salude!


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