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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Norfolk Beer Festival

Norfolk…. Ahhhhh, glorious Norfolk , Virginia.  What images instantly appear? Drunken, swearing. heavily tatooed sailors? Filthy rat infested shipyards? Hate crimes? Polluted waterways where the fish have open sores? Yes we have  all that, but we are also so much more. If beer isn’t the first thing that comes to mind, you’re not alone. However, early May saw the Norfolk Beer festival on the waterfront. The unwashed masses came to celebrate AMERICAN craft beers, and that we did. Dozens of well-known breweries came to share their blandest beers. Goose Island brought the Honkers Ale and 312, but left the Bourbon County Stout in Chicago. Weeping Radish had all their swill. Oskar Blues, on the other hand, was pouring Gordon (AKA Gknight) their RFG red ale. The BC4M made a showing, sampling only about 6 of the offerings. The highlight of the day came when the folks from Beach Brewing, along with Rob from the Lynnhaven Pub (the undisputed BEST beer bar in Hampton Roads) invited us to sample their beers, some cask Hoptopus and their latest creation, Devil's Take. The folks at Beach really treated us as we expect to be treated. We got the full SIP treatment (somewhat important person). We will rate the Devil’s Take later, but suffice it to say it kicks ass! They also graciously allowed us to try a barrel aged Bourbon Cru from a new brewery in Richmond, Hardywood Park. While we could not make an official rating (requires at least 6 testicles present and we only had 4 testicles and 4 ovaries) we were bowled over at the depth of this beer. The following day our head beer procurer made a trip to Richmond, and like Warren Buffet in a roid rage, he bought all their existing  stock. 

So what is a group of microbrew alcoholics to do after a full day of drinking beer? Why, head to our hood and drink more beer! The meeting kicked off with members Fred, Crazy, Snake, Bim  and J. Wilder in attendance.  As the beer continued to flow, Florence Naughtygale brought up the subject of budget cuts in our fair city, and the fact that most paramedics are now unemployed. Fred, the local Tea Party chairman took offense. A heated discussion ensued, halted only by Fred’s apparent stroke. Unfortunately for Fred, due to layoffs, there was only one paramedic on duty that night, and he was hours away. Fuck it! We chose to continue drinking, amused by Fred’s slurry speech and drooling. All the while  being totally entertained as we fed him chips into his “strokey” side and laughed hysterically as he pissed his pants. “What a loser” said Snake. “Even my grandma can hold her urine!” Fred looked on the outside as if he was crying, but we’d like to believe he was laughing on the inside! We started the evening with a Flying Dog Snake Dog IPA (7.1%). This beer is no Bitter Valentine, rating a so/so. 512 Double Pecan Porter (8.2%) was whiskey barrel aged, always a plus, but was a little watery and very bubbly. It was a bit of a disappointment, rating only a good. Breckenridge Stranahan's Well Built ESB (7.8%) drew us in like a hungry baby at a titty bar. This was truly a well built, smooth beer, liked by all, rating a really good. Cigar City Jose Marti American Porter (8%) aged in French oak barrels, was a twenty dollar disappointment, rating a sucks. Schneider Aventinus 2005 (8.2%) is still a great beer that only gets better with age. This beer was a really good. Arcadia Barrel Aged Porter (12%) was good, but really nothing special, rating a good. We ended the night with a Dogfish Head URKontinent (8.1%) an abbey dubbel. This beer was different for the DFH folks, and while we liked it, it only garnered a good. At around midnight, a visibly grey and slumping Fred coughed up what appeared to be a live chipmunk. After flying out of his mouth, it scampered into the woods. And like that, Fred was cured. (Please don’t over-analyze this story. Yes, we know that rodents don’t cause strokes, but they can carry a bunch of other scary diseases, and we've all heard horror stories about guys who shoved them up their butts. And, having Fred Flintstone cough up a chipmunk is a lot more uplifting than having him die of a painful stroke while his friends ridiculed him, now isn’t it?

I’d like to end with a new feature we call, CUT IT OUT! This is where we choose a really bad brewer, and plead with them to stop brewing. With over 2000 breweries in the US today, there’s bound to be some who are in it for the money, fame, or possibly just trying to poison us, with no regard to their quality or craft. The inaugural installment of CUT IT OUT!  would like to recognize Anheuser Busch. They tried to fool us with Budweiser American Ale, but it soon became apparent that their only real goal was to sell us swill that made fat chicks seem skinny and made us believe we were stronger and better hung than we really are. While it does those things well, nothing from these guys is palatable. PLEASE STOP!

In closing, we leave you with this hip BC4M Public Service Announcement, Stroke Ain't No Joke!

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Johnny Wilder turns 39

Another day, another birthday in the hood, this time it was BC4M Founding Father Johnny Wilder celebrating his final year before hitting the big 4-0. As most of our loyal readers know, Johnny spends most of his days criss-crossing the Mid-Atlantic region of this fine country drinking the afternoon away while hawking the latest in feminine protection products including his latest multi-platinum best seller, some sort of safe  tanning item called the Va-JJ Visor. Johnny, who's mobile "sales lab" allows him the privacy to demonstrate to his clients how to properly apply the product, was just back from a week long sales trip in ski country where he narrowly escaped the loss of his left nut from frostbite after spending a booze filled night hopping from hot tub to hot tub trying to convince a group of promiscuous Amish girls that they each needed a Va-JJ visor. Since Johnny likes his beers like Bim likes his women, namely dark, thick, sultry and full of ass, the boys of the BC4M decided to have a stout night in his honor. You put Bim in a room full of Nubian queens and he becomes as happy as a hungry infant in a titty bar. Fred had assembled a nice selection of big beers for us to try so we all gathered on his deck on a recent Sunday afternoon with not a cloud in the sky although the weather was a bit nipply. Eager to get the tastings started, we opened a pair of beers from Dark Horse, Plead the 5th (12.0%) and Barrel Aged Plead the 5th (14.0%). Both beers are very highly rated on both Beer Advocate and Rate Beer and although the regular Plead was dark and flavorful, it was a bit thin so it rated only a good, while the barrel aged version had a nice big boozy profile followed by an intense dark chocolate ending that got earned it a really good. Next we tried an Olde Hickory The Event Horizon (2011) (8.5%). Sweet, decadent and full of cocoa the taste of this one lingers on the back of your tongue like the heat from a bucket of spicy hot wings you just inhaled. Next up was a Three Floyd's Baller Stout (13.8%). This one is their 15th Anniversary beer which is a blend of Dark Lord, Surly Darkness, De Struise Black Albert, and Mikkeller Beer Geek Brunch and it was in the words of the always hard to impress Fred, "fucking phenomenal", while Snake added, " I'll throw the gauntlet down and say this is an RFG boys". Easily one of the best examples of a Russian Imperial Stout, it had massive amounts of roast flavors with a heavy dose of palate coating chocolate, coffee and caramel all swirled into one fantastic brew. We agreed, it was definitely an RFG, so we moved on to a beer Johnny brought, a Roth Brewing Dark Construct (7.3%), a  milk/sweet stout that held a lot of promise but promptly failed to deliver anything but a case of the "what the fuck is this shit?" from Bim and Fred. Even the always cheerful Snake remarked, "I'm sure as hell glad I didn't pay for that". Lacking any solid characteristics other than dark coloring, it was a drain pour from the start and rated a sucks. To wash the taste off our tongues we pried open a previously RFG rated Goose Island Bramble Rye Bourbon County Stout (12.5%) since Snake and Bim had never tried it. "Holy shit that is good" said Snake, while Bim added, "Fruity, like Bikram the flaming yoga instructor at my gym, but still fucking amazing" While we savored this remarkable beer, we were soon visited by a pair of carpenter bees that seemed eager to join the party. Bim, from his years treating fungal infections among the hundreds of migrant spinach and tomato pickers he sees monthly had developed a deadly allergy to certain insects, including bees. He anxiously began twisting and turning like an epileptic after shotgunning a case of Red Bull trying to keep his eyes on the bees at all times. We then decided to open up a special surprise for Wilder, the previously RRFG (that's Really Really Fucking Good), The Bruery Chocolate Rain (18.5%). Like manna delivered from heaven, this is the BC4M highest rated beer, a delicious, sweet booze filled trip reminiscent of the chocolate river in Willy Wonka's diabetes factory. While we each got a generous pour, Bim, who's weak bladder (a result of his being attacked by a horny labrador that was angry with Bim for messing with his lady friend) was off to take a piss break. While he was gone, we poured the remains of the Chocolate Rain into another glass and replaced it with a nice bottle of chocolate ex-lax. When Bim returned, he eyed the bottle of Chocolate Rain and said, "holy shit, there's some left?" and we watched in mock horror as he proceeded to promptly chug it down.

By this time we were feeling good so we opened a Jester King Black Metal (10.4%). This is the retired version of their famous Russian Imperial Stout with a sweet ass label that reminded us of K.I.S.S. guitarist Ace Frehley. "I'm feeling like some Detroit Rock City motherfuckers" said a smiling J. Wild. We passed the bottle around and discovered a full bodied, syrupy concoction that struck a nice balance between roastiness and chocolate malt that rated a really good. By this time, the bees had encroached upon our position a little too close for comfort, so an angry Bim hopped out of his chair and did his best Chuck Norris / Karate Kid  impersonation and proceeded to punch and kick at the interlopers until evidently the ex-lax had kicked in as he stumbled onto the ground and unleashed a toxic gas cloud that cleared us off the deck and running for fresh air. "What the fuck did you eat motherfucker, a can of dog shit? " asked Snake, while a suddenly laughing hysterically Bim sheepishly said, "I sharted myself! as he ran and took a dive in Fred's pool to clean himself up. "Might as well fill it with concrete" Fred said about his now defiled pool, "cause ain't no amount of pool shock can fix that problem". As we watched Bim struggle to drag his freezing ass out of the water, we poured one final beer to toast our afternoon, Fifty Fifty Brewing Eclipse Brewmaster's Grand Cru (9.5%). This one is a combination of their various barrel aged treatments and while it was full of bourbon goodness it didn't stand up as well as the 20yr Elijah Craig version and only rated a good. While Fred waited for the E.P.A. to arrive to try and contain the noxious fumes that Bim had deposited over his backyard, the rest of us went home, smelling like a rabid skunk had mated with us....Until next time...think twice before someone offers you some Chocolate Rain