Sunday, May 12, 2013
It seemed to be the typical lazy Saturday evening in the hood, with most of the members out pursuing other interests instead of being available to share a few beers. Coach Johnny Wilder was away with his softball team the "Donkey Punching Kangaroos", who were in the midst of a heated tournament battle to prevent being relegated to the "chicken, beer and Mexican gardener league". Crazy Ken, who recently decided to become carbon neutral, was out on a 500 mile bicycle pilgrimage to D.C. to spread the alarming news that offshore oil drilling is apparently killing rednosed snail darters around the globe, while 10 PM was out in "B.F.E." judging a "world's strongest redneck competition". However, Snake, his better half Blackberry Pamcakes along with Bim and his bride Florence Naughtygale had decided that a few beers needed to be culled from Snake's growing cellar. They started off with a pair of Three Floyd's beers, Robert the Bruce and Alpha King, both of which are phenomenal for their style. They then popped the top on several bombers of the RFG rated Firestone Walker Double Jack, when all of a sudden, a thunderstorm descended upon the neighborhood with the vengeance of a hobo on a ham sandwich. The howling winds, crackling lightning and booming thunder had Bim running in circles trying to find his "thunder buddy". It was about the time Snake found his grandson's pacifier to give to the bawling like a colicky baby Bim that Fred and Nestle rolled in, just in time to partake in a fresh bottle of Avery Maharaja. As we listened to the storm dump copious amounts of rain and hail, we also enjoyed some Sierra Nevada Hoptimum followed by a pair of newly arrived cans of Alchemist Heady Topper. After an hour or so of steady precipitation, the rains finally died off and we adjourned to Snakes palatial sunroom to the ear shattering cacophony of a frog singing like he was trying out for "American Idol". "Holy fuck, thats annoying", said Snake, while Pamcakes replied, "shut up you big head, it reminds me of growing up in the summer, let them froggies sing, they ain't hurting nobody". As we tried to drown out the amphibious opera with Snake's classic 70's tunes filled ipod, we switched from IPA's to heavier beers by opening a Beach Brewing Blackfin barleywine followed quickly by a Founder's Backwoods Bastard. As the frog continued to drone on, Snake got up and left the room, only to return with his Crossman 66 Powermaster assault BB rifle and a thousand yard stare in his eyes. "That's about to be one dead fucking frog" he decreed, so we got up and went to the deck to begin the hunt. Former Scoutmaster Bim immediately took charge of the expedition and using his GPS, laser scope, and a little bit of "Magruber", eventually found our prey sitting in the open with a tauting gleam in his eye. Snake proceeded to unload a fusillade of metal at the frog, only to end up putting multiple dents in his newly erected composite fence while the frog simply continued to sing. "Motherfucker moves as fast as a cheetah" Snake said, while Bim replied, "I think he's on to us, evacuate evacuate!" The smoke then cleared and we went inside to reload and have another beer, this time we chose the fruity and delicious New Glarus Serendipity followed by a coffee/bourbon bomb in Alewerks Cafe Royale. About the same time, a second frog decided to showcase his vocal abilities and we soon had a duet. A thoroughly agitated Snake grabbed the gun and stormed outside, saying he would unleash a thousand rounds if necessary to "annihilate those bastards". "Let me have a try" said Nestle, so while Fred painted the targets, we watched as she fired two quick rounds which produced two confirmed kills. "She shut those fuckers up good and dead" said Snake, while Fred added, "We would have won the Vietnam War in under a year if the Army had her shooting old Charlie." After witnessing the deadly pinpoint accuracy of our own "Annie Oakley", Fred suggested that perhaps Gunnery Sgt Hartman had gotten it wrong in describing the deadliest person in the world in the BC4M Hall of fame classic "Full Metal Jacket". "Fucking-A, my girl can flat out hunt bitches!" he said, while Bim howled with drunken laughter and replied, "You best mind your mouth or she might pop a cap in yo ass". By now, the clock was well past midnight, and Bim was beginning to look like a stroke victim eating oatmeal. We decided to call it a night, but not before opening the final beer of the night, ironically enough, a Hoppin Frog Barrel Aged BORIS the Crusher while we heard Robert Plant and the boys from Led Zeppelin serenade the two fallen aquatic balladeers with a little ditty called Stairway to Heaven. Another classic BC4M evening in the books, if you ever need varmints taken care of, just remember to have "Nestle, "Get your gun"
Posted by Beer Club 4 Men at 9:33 PM
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
It started as any normal day. Bim, who runs the web site Deathwatch.com, was scanning celebrity obituaries to see who croaked that day. Bim has an entire office wallpapered floor to ceiling with names of celebrities and politicians, and his site hosts an elaborate gambling scheme where people bet on who will die next. It was a big day for some luck bettor. Margaret Thatcher and Roger Ebert had been circling the drain for years, but Mouseketeer Annette Funicello had died unexpectedly, and somebody just hit the jackpot. Bim received a panicked phone call from Fred, "They've really done it now! I can't believe it, but someone has stolen my identity!" "Whoa now big boy", said Bim, "what's going on?"According to Fred, a feature length film had been made, documenting his beer trading escapades. "They know about everything", he said, "they know about the cellar, they know my drinking habits, my trading partners, even my beeradvocate.com trading name...EVERYTHING!" Did we have a spy in our club? Was the envy of having the club's number 2 cellar too much for Johnny Wilder to handle? Was it 10pm or Snake, trying to increase their own self worth by bringing down the trading king? Or maybe it was just sheer jealousy on the part of Crazy Ken, who has no trading partners, no beer fridge, and no cellar? The mystery was deepening with no suspect. But one thing was clear, whoever produced this beautifully shot film, complete with all the latest computer generated special effects and Spielberg-like directing was no rookie. They had done their research, and spent a small fortune to produce a masterpiece. We may never know who the culprit was, but, like it or not, this film, "The Unauthorized Biography of Fred Flintstone" is sure to be a classic for generations to come. So sit back, grab some popcorn, maybe a fresh IPA, and enjoy the show...
"The Unauthorized Biography of Fred Flintstone"
Posted by Beer Club 4 Men at 11:06 AM
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Ahhh yes, the esteemed Dr. Gunthumper. Star of such childhood classics as "Dr. Gunthumper Bangs a Fat Chick," and "Gunthumper Gets Herpes." And who can forget Dr. Gunthumper in "Oops, I Think I Screwed a Transvestite," or his educational videos, such as "Your Dingus and You." When Gunthumper isn't on the set making quality movies for teens, he's sampling beers. In years past he's been the harshest critic of the Beer Club for Men's CHC Brewery. He once claimed that one of our beers tasted like we used "the taint sweat of an Indian curry salesman on a hot August day." Despite that, we still love the rascal, and continue to supply him with beers to rate. The following is a totally unbiased review from the one guy who hates the CHC Brewery more than anyone else in the world!
Dr. Gunthumper writes: When Bim first informed me that he was going to be sending three
different home brews for me to sample and review, I thought, "Great, I'll only have to take one sip of each, because any more would likely kill me or ruin my taste buds forever." You see, I only had his prior efforts to compare to. Then he told me that he won some sort of contest with his beers. I was unaware that they had beer brewing competitions for people with no ability. However, I am man enough to admit when I am wrong. Thankfully, my error came with the pleasure of being able to sample some delicious beers. I was also not disappointed to find that Bim was able to work in some of the racism that is a part of his personality. I started with Ice Ice Dynamite. Boldly showing Mr. Rob Van Winkle on the label, this Russian Imperial Stout had subtle vanilla, and you could really taste the Wild Turkey, making this a solidly good brew. Next up was Jemima Dynamite, with the tag line, "Mrs. Butterworth can kiss my big, black ass!" This delicious concoction with it's maple flavor was smooth, dark and creamy, not unlike Aunt Jemima's inner thighs. Lastly, and my favorite of the three, was Pepe Dynamite. This Russian Imperial Stout, brewed with chipotle peppers, really catches your attention on the back end, with a spicy burn in the back of the throat. Bim said he wanted to brew a beer that reminded him of deep throating his lawn guy. I'll have to take his word on that, but regardless it's a hell of a beer. Overall, I was very happy to be proven wrong, and look forward to
Posted by Beer Club 4 Men at 10:53 PM