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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Friday, January 21, 2011

Let it Snow.....

It was Christmas weekend in the hood, and Old Man Winter had decided to drop over 15 or so inches (and no, that puny little thing in your man hammock sure as fuck ain't 15 inches) of delightful havoc causing snow on our quaint little hamlet. Johnny Wilder had sent out a request for all hands to assemble at his place for a night of beer, "parlor games" and a few rounds of "Wii tennis" with our better halves. Bim arrived in his classic Bad Horny Santa outfit hoping to trick the ladies into once again sitting on his lap and seeing if they could find anything sturdy to latch on to. What better way to prepare for the upcoming weeklong escapade of commuting to work on slick as snot ice covered roads shared with the myriad of retards that grace our area but to drink a few new beers. While the ladies went into the living room to discuss how to get their own copy of the "supposedly" inappropriate video game that one of the new neighbors had received, we got the meeting started with a new brew from our local OBX brewery, a Weeping Radish Christmas Bier Doppelbock (8.1%). Wilder proclaimed it was damn good as he had recently tasted it fresh on tap at the brewpub while returning from a road trip down highway 158 to pick up his latest "dance attire". The beer poured a tad watery for a doppelbock but it was easily one of their better beers (which sure as fuck isn't saying a whole lot). While most of the group liked it despite the fact that it wasn't as sweet or strong as say Celebrator, it still tasted decent so it rated a good. The only holdout was the always acerbic Fred who blurted "Ehh, maybe a so-so at best, these guys need to close up shop and try a new line of work like turd herding cause they know an assload about brewing shitty beer". Next was a Widmer Brothers Reserve Brrrbon (9.4%). Pouring like a frozen shot of maple syrup, this one was in the words of Big Audio Dynamite, "Like a stick on the back of your tongue, this beast just won't go down easy". "Sorta like that crazy redneck chick D-Rail tried to hook up with at the Lynyrd Skynyrd concert last year" said Bim. Crazy Ken had a perplexed look on his face after he choked down his sample and remarked, "Reserve my ass, they should think about keeping this shit in reserve permanently, this is just awful". The flavors were a mix of boozy and malty and while we weren't overwhelmed with admiration it only rated a so-so. Next was an Ommegang Adoration (10.0%), a "special winter ale" brewed with spices such as cardamon, mace, cumin, coriander and grains of paradise. "What the Fuck" said Fred, "Did Colonel Sanders brew this crap?, this is like eating his original recipe chicken" This one sported way too many spices, but is made in the traditional Belgian dark spicy ale tradition of undoubtedly is "this is sure gonna suck". It wasn't that bad, but then again, none of us wanted a second glass of it, so we gave it a mere so-so. Hoping to turn up a decent beer on this suddenly craptastic flavored night, we opened a Victory V-12 (12%). The mathematician of the group, Bim declared, "This beer must be around 12% alcohol I would guess". "No shit Einstein" said Wilder as we poured a round of what turned out to be a overall decent tasting beer. Snake thought he tasted either pear or apple on the back end while Prince Mike said "sure as hell is better than the last one we had". A solid good, it was very unique and deserves to be tried again. The girls then came in from the backyard cackling with laughter and telling us they had a surprise waiting outside. We rushed out to see what all the fuss was about, and we about pissed our pants at the "milk man" that was lewdly taking aim at a shapely young lass. Hoping that the morning sun would "melt away" the evidence, we went back in for our final beer of the night, Abbaye de Saint Bon Chien 2006 (11.0%). A Swiss beer (who knew?), it poured from the bomber sized bottle like a gigantic meteor shower, full of pockets of spent yeast like a pair of sex crazed hobos. The taste was slightly sour, which was a perfect complement to the smooth heat generated by the double digit alcohol content. The beer is aged in burgundy wine casks and the tart grape flavor comes through without making you think your gulping down a bottle of Dimetapp. A solid good, it was easily the best beer of the night. We adjourned for the evening, images of the naughty snowman out back still dancing in our heads, hoping we would each be so lucky later that night.......

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

U.S.S. Chode Blower.....Departing

This past Friday, the BC4M got the chance to honor one of our own, Frank the Tank, as he gave up command of his ship, the U.S.S. Chode Blower. Tank's time as the Captain of the Navy's finest "Taliban killer" was now complete after a highly successful tour that included the capture of over 25 of the most dangerous terrorists on the planet. His ship had also alleviated a possible international crisis by intercepting a shipment of Chinese made BB guns and fake Ipads that were supposedly enroute to a camel jockey training camp somewhere in the middle east. Most of the missions his boat had accomplished are still classified as top secret, but he did tell us about one mission where the team had come across a fast moving jihadist frigate in the Indian Ocean that they chased and finally sank after a furious 18 hour gun battle. After the change of command ceremony, Tank had to spend a few hours with the bigwigs in the Pentagon discussing his upcoming orders, so as we awaited his arrival home for the neighborhood party celebrating his exploits, we decided to try a couple of highly rated beers from Alpine Brewing in California. First was Alpine Brewing's Nelson (7.0%) which featured a self described golden rye pa, this one was a huge fucking disappointment. Expecting the next "Pliny the Elder" after hearing everyone gush like a 16 yr old with his first boner about this beer on the Internet, we were completely letdown by the fruity almost syrupy grapefruit flavor that bombards your nose and tongue. "This shit sucks" said 10pm, as both Fred and Bim poured theirs out after a few sips. "Sure as fuck ain't Pliny" said Snake as we gave this one a sucks. Hoping for a better showing with Alpine Brewing's Pure Hoppiness ( 8.0%) we were rewarded with a beer that wasn't much better and tasted like a cloudy mass of detergent. "This sure as fuck tastes as bad as the other one" said Fred so it rated a sucks as well. We noticed that the Tank had arrived home and a multitude of his former shipmates and friends descended upon his tree lined driveway to begin the festivities. It was huge showing from the BC4M as Bim, Wilder, Snake, Prince Mike, 10pm, Fred, Crazy Ken were all in attendance. As we spent the evening dining on a veritable buffet of delicious dishes, we listened to many of Tank's Navy buddies tell sea stories about our beloved brother. As we cackled at the stories of Tank overseeing a coed "shellback" ceremony,we noticed the president of our west coast bureau, Ganja Bob, was in town for the proceedings. The last time he was here, he was hammered out of his gourd at our 500 night, so he looked at us like he had never seen us before even though, but a few shots of whiskey and the promise of a hot tub lap dance later, and he remembered that storied night like it had just happened. He once again promised us a shipment of rare beers was on the way (we heard that one the last time as well) and he also brought Tank some rare Cuban cigars to celebrate with. We had one more beer to try, a special beer befitting Frank the Tank, a true American hero, the Goose Island Rare Bourbon County Stout (13.0%). The boys at Goose Island bought up some whiskey barrels that housed one of the finest American bourbons, Pappy Van Winkle, aged for 23 fucking years. They then took their Bourbon County Stout and aged it for 2 years in the barrels before bottling it. As we sampled this amazing beer, our newest member, Mickey Boombatz, said, "It's like liquid fucking Mozart", "A symphony of flavors in your mouth". This is one amazing fucking beer, with a slightly sweet hint of bourbon heat that is balanced with a chocolate finish that is simply fantastic. "No doubt, that shit right there is an RFG" said Snake, to which we all agreed. The label on the bottle says it all "a true rarity, savor and share only with those you hold dear as it will never be made again". No truer words have been said, as we ended the night with a BC4M salute to our fearless hunter of terrorists world wide by singing a rousing rendition of the official theme song of the U.S.S. Chode Blower, "America"...... you move on to your next tour of duty......may you always have fair winds and following seas brother

Monday, January 17, 2011

The New Kid in Town

The Beer Club For Men is an inquisitive bunch. Most of our road trips are a blast... with the exception of a recent trip to a bar called the Glory Hole. Everything was going well, and the male patrons there were really interested in learning about our "men's club", but then Snake had an awkward experience with the soap dispenser in the restroom, and we had to get the hell out. We can never go back to the Glory Hole... which is probably a good thing. And so it was that we gathered the troops and headed to the areas newest brewery, Beach Brewing Company, for some tasting and beer banter with the crew there. Like most breweries, it is located in a somewhat industrial area. From the outside, it's very unassuming but the tasting area is quaint, and the beers are cold. This was actually our second trip to the brewery in search of their elusive Hammerhead IPA. Unfortunately, this beer is so good, that owner Justin MacDonald (who is rumored to be Stifler's dance double from American Pie) must be saving it all for himself, because there was none to be had. We were disappointed, but excited at the other selections. First up was the Bullhead Brown (5.0%). This session beer is brewed in the British tradition (they slapped on the bad teeth, the men dressed like women, and they ate blood pudding during the brewing). It had plenty of caramel and malt flavors, but just isn't our cup of tea, rating a so/so. Hurricane Wheat (5.0%) was next. As a disclaimer, we fucking hate wheat beers... however, this one is pretty good. Not too much of that stale barnyard flavor, and easily drinkable, it rated a good. Killer Whale Wit (4.8%), drew a mixed review, split between so/so and good, while the Tigershark Red (4.5%), another session beer, was OK but not spectacular. We finished our sampling with their Seadevil Imperial Stout (10%). This alcohol bomb was smooth, full of body, with lots of well-balanced malty flavors. It sure didn't taste like a 10% beer. As you know from reading this blog, we love big hearty stouts. This beer is no Black Tuesday, but better than many other stouts we've tasted, and so it received a good. This was, by far, the best beer from this upstart brewery, and we can't wait to taste more just like it. So, in judging this new brewery, we give them an enthusiastic thumbs up! They make some good beers. And, just in case they end up being the next Russian River or Three Floyds, we want to be able to say we "discovered" them first and have the blog post to prove it... so suck it! (just not through the glory hole).

As a side note to this post, we noticed that certain words and phrases from previous posts, such as "Cock Tease of Calcutta", have brought us hundreds of hits from Indian perverts and other multinational douchebags from around the globe. As a gesture of American goodwill, we would like to invite our porn searching friends from around the world to the BC4M. Welcome you sick bastards! The following porn search terms should do the trick: Iranian whores, Burma sluts, North Korean cocksuckers. If you are Iranian, Burmese, or North Korean, and find yourself here instead of a porn site, please feel free to leave us a comment. As your countries have no real beers, no hot women, and an abundance of dictators, we graciously allow you to live like men, vicariously, through us. In the meantime, enjoy this porn. You're welcome, dickweed!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The King of all Whales

With the holidays fast approaching, the BC4M gathered at Johnny Wilder's outlandishly decorated "Griswald World" (which by the way finished a distant second in the inaugural CHC neighborhood gaudiest Christmas yard decoration contest to D-Rail's Rudolph the Red-nosed Reinbug themed yard), (although technically D-Rail's "estate" is located nearby along the banks of water moccasin infested Cooper's Ditch) to celebrate the end of the "whale" hunt we had begun recently. Bim, Fred, Snake and Wilder were joined by "Santa" Crazy Ken who rolled up the driveway in his new "sleigh". "Holy Shit", said the BC4M's resident big game hunter, Snake, "That there is a lot of nice racks, and you boys know how much I like a nice rack". "Amen brother" replied the sweater puppy loving Fred. "Less talking and more drinking" shouted Bim as we opened up a growler of Outer Banks Brewing Station Monk's Fest (7.4%). This is a Belgian style dubbel that hails from our favorite seaside resort, the OBX. The brewery is more miss than hit with most of their offerings, but this was a decent start to the night. More malty than hoppy, it had a smooth crisp flavor that went down as easy as a freshly shucked oyster. A good was the grade as we moved on to an Alesmith Old Numbskull (11.0%). This is a barleywine style ale and it was like taking a punch to the nads. Syrupy with a lot of heat, it had a strong bite like a rabid Doberman Pinscher but the smell was simply awful. "This smells like the worn socks on the unwashed feet of a migrant cabbage picker who has been in the fields for 3 weeks" said Bim, but damn did it taste good. "That border hopper sure has some tasty fucking socks" said Snake as we all decided it rated a good. We then cracked into a Lost Abbey Inferno Ale (8.5%) which had a skunky smell like one of those mass marketed beers in the green bottles (yes we're talking about you Heineken). The flavor was very hefeweizeny and we all recoiled at the taste that was as dry as a seventy five year old hooker's meat drapes on the tongue. "That thing has enough carbonation to power a damn windmill" said Wilder as we choked down the remains of a so-so beer that at least had a sweet label. To prepare ourselves for the final three whales, we opened up a Otter Creek Imperial Series Russian Imperial Stout (10.6%). This one had even more head than the Inferno and had a much better smell as well. "It's a little thin to me" said Crazy as we finished off a dark chocolate flavored stout that was a bit light in the loafers and was better at the start than the finish. "Well no wonder" said the groups world traveler Bim, "This shit is from Vermont, birthplace of the gloryhole". Despite that fact, we rated the beer a good and moved on to a Firestone Walker "Walkers Reserve Porter" (5.8%). These guys usually make some great beers, but this is not one of them. "Keep this crap in reserve" said Crazy as Wilder added, "If this is the reserve, I'd hate to taste the first batch of this swill, I ain't gonna lie, I don't like it". Not the worst beer we had ever tasted so we gave it a so-so and then watched as Fred produced the final beers of the night from the fridge. First was Surly Darkness 2009 (10.3%). This is one of those special one day a year beers that people flock to get and then resell on Ebay to whale hunters like us for crazy prices. This one poured like a glass of melted asphalt and appeared just as dark. Bim took a sip and immediately declared "I'm sporting wood". "This shit is awesome" said Crazy, not known for his love of the stouts. Dark, roasted and malty, this one had a very slight sour note to it that had Bim declaring, "this is like a big slimy load to the throat". Wilder added, "This fucking label is so cool I might tattoo that on my taint". This one was on the cusp of RFG until Fred said we should wait until after we had tasted the other two whales to give it a proper grade. The final verdict was really good as we simply loved this beer. Next up was 3 Floyd's Dark Lord 2010 (15.0%). This one is just as black as Darkness but with a slightly different taste profile. You can savor the slightly dark cherry flavoring that rides on the undercarriage of this dark beast. It is also much sweeter than Darkness and yet it hides the 15% abv very well with its almost doppelbockish body. This one is so ultra smooth, you feel like velvet is dancing on your tongue. The unanimous result was RFG, so we decided to end the night by finishing off our final whale, The Bruery Black Tuesday (19.5%). We got this bottle after Fred spent a furious night of outbidding some doucher who went by the handle of "Beerzilla" on Ebay, but we also got a second bottle as part of a trade with our newest craft beer bud, John from New Brew Thursday. We met him and his fellow bloggers at the Great American Beer Festival in Denver and he told us he would send us a bottle to sample. He came through for us big time and we are forever in his debt for such a remarkable trade. Make sure to check out their professional looking and informative blog whenever you want some real beer info. Black Tuesday poured as dark as any beer we have ever had, and as we all got a sample, we anxiously awaited the results of our first sip. "Holy Fucking shit!" said Fred after his first taste, "This is no shit outfuckingstanding". Nothing we have ever tasted is as smooth as this beer. One can hardly describe how easy it coats the tongue and how effortlessly it goes down (like the Kielbasa Queen taking in a sausage). "No way this is 19% alcohol" said Snake, "It's just too fucking good to be that high". Every flavor you can think of in an Imperial Stout is in this one including vanilla, toffee, chocolate, bourbon, coffee, all mixed together to create by far the greatest beer we have ever rated. RFG doesn't do this justice as it is amazingly drinkable for such a huge alcohol bomb. "The King of the Whales" said Wilder, as we all agreed, this is the best beer we have ever had. A great end to a great night, we adjourned for the evening, wondering if we had just tasted the best beer we would ever have, or if there were others out there that would make this one seem ordinary. In the legendary words of that amazing 80's power ballad group Asia, "Only time will tell".