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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Friday, September 2, 2011

Haiku you Motherf*$#%rs

If you are an avid follower of Bim on Twitter (@BC4MBIM), then you know he is a 69th degree master garter belt Haikusan (or what Southerners might call a "High-Cooo-Est") since just about every one of his tweets is crafted in the ancient Japanese poetry style. For years now, he has been honing his art much like a plumber or brick mason learns the skill of their trade with thousands of hours of dedicated apprenticeship. Bim first discovered his love of haiku while he was a young Naval Ensign stationed in Yokuska, Japan during the Korean War. Although he spent a majority of his days discovering the pleasures of coquettish Geisha's  while logging hours as an intern at the local infirmary/happy ending parlor, his nights consisted of repeated drunken encounters with the mightiest of weapons, the pen. His malt liquor and mescaline fueled pinings to his betrothed, (a fiesty young nursing school student named Florence Naughtygale  who was at the time back home in Ohio contemplating Bim's offer of marriage), were his only escape during his daunting 42 month long tour as a proctologist with a specialty in treating "ladyboy" showboat floozies suffering from "rectal prolapse". To honor our very own BC4M Poet Laureate, we decided to do the reviews of the beers we tried at a recent Executive Council meeting of the Founding Fathers "Haiku style". First up was a Mikkeller 1000 IBU's (9.6%). This one promised a good game as you all know we love the hop bombs prevalent among the west coast breweries, but this Danish import was about as hoppy as a spoonful of sour milk of magnesia. A mere so-so at best,

"Where for art thou hops? Thy bitterness surely lacks, Get it right fucknuts!"

Next, were two beers Bim brought back from a recent trip to a medical conference  in Baltimore where he gave the keynote address titled "Hemorrhoids and You, Two Pains in the Ass" . Both were forgettable as the Pub Dog Blueberry Dog (4.0%) was a flavorless cup of grape juice and the Pub Dog Very Cherry (5.2%) was best suited for preschoolers and bed wetters in need of nap time. Both were the true definition of sucks and if it wasn't for the sink staining dye that they used to color this swill up, these would have surely been drain pours.

"Red water pours out, Flavorless ass in a glass, Total shit indeed"

"Kid friendly koolaid, Alcohol free cough syrup?, Cease brewing we plead"

We then opened a jug of East End Brewing's Bigger Hop (9.0%) that we got in trade from Pennsylvania craft beer king, Jeff Kupko. This one was bitter but slightly more malty on the finish, but still quite tasty and got a solid good. Not quite in the category of say Alpine's Nelson or Duet, it's still a damn fine IPA and very well made.

"Very bitter start, Malty piney finishing, You ain't Double Jack"

Another gift received via beer trade, this one from Tim Dean of NYC, was a Captain Lawrence Nor'Easter (12.0%). This is an ale aged in bourbon barrels and brewed with elderberries to which Snake asked, 'Did you say dingleberries?" The taste was damn good as it had just a hint of sour funk to mellow the bourbony heat. J Wilder wasn't as sold on it as Bim and Fred were, but it still got a really good from the assembled group.

"Bourbon barrel aged, Elderberries, what are they?, Sweet and sour delight"

Next was a Sierra Nevada / Dogfish Head Life and Limb Vol. 2 (10.2%). The original version had garnered an RFG back when the lads were drunk as one eyed hoot-owls during last years GABF. Still, we anxiously awaited our first sip of this dark vixen. This one had a mishmash of delightful flavors, some pointing out chocolate and pine, others noting grapefruit and lemon peel. We all decided it was really good, but just not quite up to the first edition's level.

"Boozy dark and sweet, Life NOR limb does it warrant, Maybe a toenail?"

The final beer of the night was The Bruery Tart of Darkness (5.6%). This is one of their newest releases from their "Provisions Series" and it is a huge hit with the BC4M. Stout can't be mixed with sour you might suggest, but once you try this, you will crave it like a crack whore  jonesing the glass dick, it's fucking fantastic. Full bodied without being heavy, it is a perfect after dinner treat and easily earned an RFG.

"Sultry dark vixen, Divine sour puckers the tongue, Seduction complete"

Since it was a school night for some of us, we decided to end the evening on a high note with the deliciousness of Tart. Hopefully after reading this, the poetry snobs and flat chested women's lib majors among you won't be lock yourself away in a dark room listening to Morrissey screech and moan while wailing and gnashing your teeth against the defamation your sacred art form just received with our machinations on beer. If you find yourself in that position, just call the 1-800-SylviaPlath hotline for angst ridden, ritalin addled "artists" and remember, Haiku You Motherfuckers!


Dr. Gunthumper said...

The Beer Club for Men,
No doubt Cincinnati gay,
Pardoned by good beers

krazyitalianirish said...

Oh, so Bim writes just as deftly from tweeting all the other wanna-be twitter comedians? Phew. For a minute there, I thought you would say something completely retarded that defeats your entire point, but I always forget, we’re dealing with a master of logic and debate here. You're practically a lawyer. :-O

On a truer note, once again the BC4M comes through in good form with stellar ratings to help we, your loyal followers, to migrate cunningly through the cauldrons of brew choices and bullshit marketing hype out there. And for that, I give you much gratitude! Tart of Darkness has been placed on my wish-list of pleasure tastings to come, thanks to you, BC4M!

Until next time, true believer (and sultry dark vixen)

- krazyitalianirish girl