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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Thursday, September 2, 2010

My Name is Hurricane Earl

As many of you that can actually read know, we live in the Virginia Beach area, an area which is prone late in every summer to be a potential target for hurricanes. Now, we have been lucky as to not have had any major storms like Andrew or Hugo, but we have had some pretty big storms wash out the area (namely a sweet Category one bitch named Isabelle). Knowing that any storm could wreak havoc and chaos, we looked on anxiously as Hurricane Earl loomed offshore. Prince Mike, who while majoring in 15th century Moroccan Architecture at Florida A&M University, had also minored in meteorology. His detached garage houses a virtual NOAA approved weather station, filled with quadrupel big fucking doppler radars, so he had been tracking the movements of this potential monster ever since it was launched of the coast of Africa. Knowing that the storm could swerve and slam head on into us, he and Snap Bean decided to host a rare Thursday night hurricane flamingo party to snub our noses at the impending peril at our doorstep. The boys of the BC4M decided to make it a regular meeting and showed up with all the essentials to survive a storm, namely, high alcohol beers. First up was Lagunitas Hop Stoopid Ale (8.0%) which was delightfully hoppy and smooth, almost up there with the quintessential double IPA, Pliny the Elder. This one started the night off strong and we gave it a really good. Next was a Southern Tier Unearthly IPA (11.0%). Southern Tier either is either hit or miss, they either swing for the fences and get a bloop single or strike out looking, so we didn't expect much from this one. Way too sweet for an IPA, it was relatively smooth but was a sure letdown from the first beer so it only rated a so-so. Boulevard Brewing's Double Wide IPA (8.5%) was opened next. Self describes as "twister-proof" and bottle conditioned, this one had a unique dry hopped flavor that was quite tasty so it rated a good. While Prince Mike brought up a multicolored scan of the storm's track on his 63 inch plasma display, we cracked into a Koning's Hoeven Quad Trappist Ale (10.0%). This was a ultra smooth elixir that tasted to Fred, "Like a boozy Welch's grape juice", while Snake said it reminded him of a dessert wine. This one got a really good as it didn't have the stuffiness that most quads have, and the alcohol didn't overpower your palate. Next were a pair of growlers freshly returned from the OBX by the resident Bc4M longboardist, J.Wilder. Outer Banks Brewing Station Hip Hop IPA (8.4%) was first, and it was about as hip hop as Bim's favorite dance tune "Circle Circle Dot Dot" . This one left us wondering WTF? as it didn't have any interesting characteristics and was simply plain so it got a so-so. Their other offering was Lemongrass Wheat Ale (5.3%) which was pure unadulterated sewer water. Crazy Ken took one taste and declared, "this is like a container of leftover carpet cleaner that has been baking in the sun for a week", while Snake vomited and then said, "I can't drink this, I already got the squirts". Sucks was the result so we moved on to Goose Island Sofie (6.5%), a Belgian style ale that is blended with barrel aged ale. This one got mixed reviews, as some felt like they were drinking a salt and pepper mill, while others gave it a good. The flavors were mixed and so it got a so-so. Two Brothers Heavy Handed Oak Foudre Aged IPA (8.1%) was on the agenda next. "Damn, I love a good fondue" said Prince Mike, until Bim looked it up and found out it the word actually meant a big oak barrel, not a boiling cauldron of delicious melted cheese. "Fucking pretentious french fucks" said Fred, as we tasted a beer that was mossy, and woody like a deciduous forest. The strange earthy tastes that lingered on the tongue caused Fred to think of barefooted ecotarians hugging giant trees and so it got a so-so. Alesmith Horny Devil (11.0%) was next, and it is a Belgian style ale brewed with coriander and belgian candy sugar. Horny devil huh?, said our occasional guest rater, Big Audio Dynamite, then why isn't my handsome mug on the bottle label, cause everybody knows I am one horny devil. This one was citrusy more than sweet and was a good. Next was a can from a Minnesota brewer we have been dying to try, Surly. Bender (5.1%) was rich and cocoa flavored with a hint of spicy smoke that caused Johnny to say, "I feel like I just woke up in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory", The vote was split, as some liked the taste, others said ehhh so it garnered a so-so. One cool thing about this brewer is that the beer comes in 16 oz cans, with some neat graphics on the side, so hopefully the others beers we try from them will taste as good as their def labeling. With the storm looking like it was going to skip by us with just a light dusting of rain, we moved on to a Deschutes Mirror Mirror (11.0%). A barleywine style beer, this one was tasty, but one of the members declared it to be the "chicken pot pie" of beers. Everybody likes chicken pot pie, so I suppose he meant that it stuck to your innards like a hearty bowl of mama's pot pie. A solid good, we then tried a beer brought back to us from Michigan by one of Fred's coworkers, Giggles Houlihan. Short's Brewing Pandemonium Pale Ale (5.4%) looked sorta like a glass of pink lemonade, full of floaties, but this was a really good beer as Prince Mike declared, "I could pound this shit all day", while Crazy Ken, suddenly becoming the enlightened beer vivant of the group , said, "smooth, but not a big set of balls". As we all chuckled, we arrived at a Green Flash Grand Cru (9.1%). This one tasted like a bigger version of a belgian wheat beer, so it only got a so-so since it had that typical clove taste that we simply haven't aquired yet. Boulder Beer Sundance Amber Ale (4.85%), was next, and the label looked like an ad for the funny as fuck film, Hot Tub Time Machine. Too bad the beer didn't live up to the movie, cause it tasted as shallow as a kiddie pool that had been urinated in by a dozen pre-k hooligans, so it got a sucks. Atwater Block Brewery Pale Ale (5.5%) was offered next and Snake said, "did they brew this shit with dingleberries instead of hops?". Another sucks, the night was starting to go downhill, so we tried a Lightning Brewing Old Tempest Ale (9.0%). This one wasn't any better as it was like drinking a dried up prune, so we poured it out and tried a Great Divide Chocolate Oak Aged Yeti (9.5%). Sporting a label that featured what looked like the CHC's own Yeti, Prince Mike, we poured what appeared to be liquid asphalt meant for the repaving of I-664. Even though the bottle promised an oak aged stout infused with cocoa and cayenne pepper, it tasted like the sweat soaked shirt of an immigrant cabbage picker. Another sucks, we began to wonder if there were any decent beers left. Another Great Divide Beer, Old Ruffian (10.2%) was a barleywine style beer that was better than the Yeti, but still only got a so-so. With the ladies mingling on the back deck discussing their upcoming wine trip, we pulled out an Arcadia Ales Cocoa Loco (7.0%). While the BC4M chief scribe (Fred) got up to blowup the lavatory, 10pm's smiling bride, Sugarshack Sadie, decided to fill in. Using her masters in secondary education, she proceeded to give a minus 2 for Arcadia's spelling of "mollasses", wrote a dissertation in our beloved journal about the joys of eating molasses cookies as a little girl on the family commune in Utah, and then tasted the beer and declared, "its fucking good!'. Knowing full well that her vote counted as much as a vegetarian's at a Texas cattle ranch, she glared at us with disdain as we gave it a so-so. Boulder Beer Company Flashback India Style Brown Ale (6.8%) was next, and it was another so-so, since it was watery and lacked any conviction. Sadie decided to add her 5 cents and declared it a "sucks", just as Fred returned from the loo. Brewdog Paradox Isle of Arran (10%) was opened next. A stout aged in Isle of Arran whiskey barrels (I didn't know Iranians were allowed to drink whiskey opined Crazy Ken), this one was according to Wilder with a grin on his face "sweet as fuck, but goes down good". Finally, a good rating was given, but the party was winding down. Many of the guests had to work the next day, so we adjourned for the evening, thankful that the storm was going to miss us, and glad we got to drink a few decent beers. As we left, Bim and Wilder, suggested we drink a couple of more beers so we made our way down the street to Bim's for a night cap. We opened the final two beers of the night, Boulder Beer Company Mojo Risin Double IPA (7.8%) was first, and it was about as much a double IPA as a Bud Select 55. Watery and not hoppy in the least, this one got a so-so. The final beer of the night was a Breckenridge Brewing Extreme ESB (7.8%). Maybe it was the stomach full of cheese dip and pretzels, or perhaps it was the earlier 21 beer salute we had for Old Earl, but this one didn't have any legs to it and it was only a so-so. It was well past midnight by now, so we decided to call it an evening and stumble home. Another smashing success, we had ridden the storm out and anxiously awaited our next chance to taste new beers.