Mickey Boombatz bares "gifts"

The moon was out, the kids were in bed, and the 6th annual Mr. and Mrs. Johnny Wilder Labor Day Luau was on tap the next day. What better way to get in the mood for the neighborhood free for all that is considered the blowout to end the flamingo season here in the CHC than to gather for a small beer tasting. There have been scattered reports that one morning following a particularly bohemian Luau party, the 350 year old live oak in the compound de Wilder backyard displayed a misplaced "juggy holder" from some buxom mischief maker while the party lagoon had a pair of her "cheek grabbers" clogging up the skimmer and an artificial leg was found sunk at the bottom of the pool. No one truly knows what the real story behind all that debauchery was but someone got "lucky" and we figure as long as we have some fun and nobody gets their "feelings" hurt then fuck it. With this in mind, Bim and Fred ventured to Johnny's poolside lounge for a quick sampling from our stash. First up was a Southern Tier Harvest Special Ale (6.4%). Featuring four types of hops and two types of malt, we tasted a beer that was way more malty than hoppy but was still fantastic. "This is gonna be my new session beer" declared Wilder as we gave this a really good. A can of Surly Cynic Ale (6.5%) was opened next. The list of ingredients read as long as the list of countries in the United Nations, to which Fred said, "damn they need a can this fucking big just to get all that fucking writing on it". Bim's first reaction was "off putting by the first sip, but its getting a whole lot better". A Belgan style ale, this one didn't overpower you with the typical Belgian yeast flavor and so it got a good. Just as we were about to pour our next beer, Frank the Tank sent out a text that said he was coming over with his brother, the newest member of the BC4M, Mickey Boombatz. Mickey, as you may recall, recently got inducted into the brotherhood, and was coming to town for Labor Day and of course the Luau. While we awaited their arrival, we opened a Surly Furious (6.2%) that was described as a hop tempest. 99 IBU's awaited us as we sipped what at first seemed like a can of Mr. Clean. Hoppy bite with a piney scent, but smooth as silk, this one was a solid good. We then opened a Trouble Brewing Amber Ale (4.7%), which had a slightly odd fruity flavor that even while very subtle, left a bad taste in your mouth so we gave it a so-so. Dominion Octoberfest (5.8%) was next, and it was a Marzen style beer that was an empty soul-less mess that cried out kill me now. Sucks was the rating, so we moved on to a Leinenkugel's Octoberfest (5.1%) which turned out to be decent and drinkable, so it got a good. As we were about to try our next beer,we heard the unmistakable rumble from Mickey's painstakingly restored "coochie hauler" as it pulled into Tank's driveway. "Fellas, Fellas, Fellas", said Mickey as he greeted each of us with a spine wrenching bear hug. "I come bringing gifts", he said as we watched him pull out what seemed like 20 different beers from the Jersey shore. Riverhorse Hop Hazard (6.5%) was hop free but tasty and would make a good lawnmower beer even though the boys in Jersey all live in houses with yards made of cement and astro turf. Flying Fish Farmhouse Summer Ale (4.6%) was decent, light and refreshing so it got a good. New Jersey Beer Company's Hudson Pale Ale (5.8%) was a wheat style beer that was about as pale as a used tea bag and tasted about as good, so it only got a so-so. Flying Fish Exit 16 Wild Rice Double IPA (8.2%) was opened and it was fantastic. "No wonder all those Mexicans are in Jersey" said Bim, "they gotta harvest all that rice". The wild rice (who knew that New Jersey is the 11th largest producer in the world of wild rice) added a crisp texture to the beer and it got a really good. Blue Point Hoptical Illusion (6.8%) had a label that made it look like it belonged on the altar of sacrifice in a Masonic lodge ritual. While we savored a decently good beer, Tank busted out his Ipod and serenaded us with a lounge version of one of the lamest songs to survive the 70's, "Dream Weaver". As we all threw up a little in our mouths, Tank said, "Ahh man, this is such a groovy tune, how could you not absolutely love it?" "Probably cause we ain't teabagging pole smokers", said Wilder as we moved on to a New Holland Ichabod (5.2%). A pumpkin beer, this one wasn't overly sugary or clovey so it was actually decent and got a good. Buffalo Bill's Pumpkin Ale (5.2%) on the other hand, was the Paula Deen of pumpkin beers. Full of apparently 3 tons of pure sugar and 50 pounds of melted butter, this was a complete train wreck and made us wanna "put the lotion in the basket". "This is like a 6 cylinder Mustang, weak as a turd tapping male ice dancer" said Mickey, "Get this fucking soccer mom beer out of my face before I wreck somebodys teeth". Sucks was the rating as we moved on to a Brooklyn Brewing Octoberfest (5.5%). Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn was of course the stop on the subway that Bim (along with his adoring wife) decided to take at 3:30 am earlier this year when they were in New York City for a prophylactic maker's convention. "I can't believe you didn't get butchered", said Mickey, "you must be touched by an angel, go play the lottery you lucky bastard", he told Bim. We had tried 14 new beers and the beer cooler was empty but no one wanted to end the evening, so Fred mentioned, "we just tried our 686th beer, lets get to 700 tonight". "What's that mean, another 24 beers? asked the 1981 Nobel prize winning mathematician of the group, Bim. "Yea, something like that Einstein" wisecracked J. Wilder. Fred then went to gather the required number of beers from his garage stash. Blue Point Brewing Rastafa Rye (7.5%) was first and it was a so-so since it tasted like a liquid loaf of rye bread. The next four beers were gifts returned from the wilds of Michigan by Fred's sassy coworker, Sunshine Chucklefanny. The beers were her prize for winning a "Shake Your Booty" dance contest that the local Future Farmers of America had put on while she was on vacation. The first beer, Big Buck IPA (5.6%) featured a picture of a what looked like a metrosexual tiger on the label but the beer was actually pretty good. Big Buck Doc's ESB Ale (6.7%) was light in the ass and only got a so-so due to a profound lack of taste. Short's Brewing Humalupalicious (6.6%) was a hop bomb that exploded in your mouth like a box of Pop Rocks. "Damn this is some tasty shit" said Fred, as we gave it a really good. The last beer was a Big Buck "Buck Naked" (3.5%) that featured a pair of free-loving nudists getting ready to play a game Wilder likes to call "just the tip". The beer was as weak as the handshake you would get from a cross dressing Cher impersonator but the flavor was actually decent, so it got a so-so. We moved on to a few more Jersey beers with Climax Brewing Extra Special Bitter (5.5%). This one had a dark color and rich taste that had Bim saying, "this shit is too sweet for me", while the rest of us liked it so we gave it a good. Bell's Brewing Oarsmen Ale (4.0%) was offered up next, and it was a wheat beer that tasted as if it was fermented with a case of Lemon pledge cleaner. "Fuck this is awful" said Tank, as we moved on to Kuichi Brewing Hitachino Nest Espresso Stout (7.5%). Fred is a huge fan of coffee flavored beers, yet he said this one missed the mark completely. Mickey stated, "I'd rather drink a bottle of Jersey Turnpike concrete than this bullshit", so we gave it a sucks. Cricket Hill East Coast Lager (4.0%) was another major disappointment, as it was flavorless and weak. Tank said it should be renamed, "Up Yours Lager" since it definitely left you "hanging". We then moved on to one of the gems of the mariachi loving crowd, Pacifico (4.8%) which was a watery cerveza with just a hint of flavor but much more tasty than Corona, so it got a so-so. Atwater Brewing Dirty Blonde (4.5%) was then passed around, and what a piece of work this bitch was. "It's like drinking a container of Life Buoy soap" said Bim. Mickey declared, "I remember seeing skeezers like this broad walking down near the docks in Newark, and I used to donkey punch them for fun". This one was another sucks, so we hoped for the best with a Lagunitas Little Sumpin Sumpin Ale (7.5%). This was yet another beer that featured a hoochie on the cover, but this one was worth the price of admission. Tasty and strong it rated a solid good. Brouwerij Van Steenberge Cherish Kriek Lambic (5.0%) was the next to last beer of the night. Sour cherries gave this one a tart tongue wagging flavor that ended with a smooth texture so we gave it a really good. The final beer of the night was Surly Coffee Bender (5.1%). Tall dark and flavorful, this one tasted like an alcoholic frappacino and went down smooth. "Damn this is fucking awesome" said Fred, as we decided to tone down his delight by only giving it a really good. "Thats number 700, motherfuckas" said Bim, as we finished up the final beer. Another successful night, we drunkenly stumbled home to rest up before starting all over again at the Luau.