Festivus......BC4M style

For some of our loyal readers, the holiday season doesn't mean Christmas cards, Santa Claus and getting up early to watch the kids play with that cardboard box that formerly housed that impossible to find (except for that douche bag extortionist on Craig's list who hoarded all of them back in July) 400 dollar toy that is probably being chewed on by the new puppy Poopzilla. Some of you are perhaps like our club pagan, Bim, who will still celebrate certain parts of Christmas but also like to partake in the made up holiday known to other druids as Festivus. To promote diversity and to accumulate "credit hours" for his Master's degree in "anger management amongst a multi-culturist society", Fred had a dinner party for both the Founding Fathers of the BC4M and their better halves. The menu called for a seasonal favorite, prime rib, to which Bim declared, "Thats a sacred deity to my Hindu brethren". "Don't you imperialistic Christians know that the cow symbolizes wealth, strength and abundance?". "Abundance and strength of what, smelly ass farts? asked our charming host Fred. "Seems to me, that country wouldn't be full of starving call center workers if they would just eat a few fucking Baconators" he continued. "Damn right, bacon makes anything taste good", chimed in Snake. "Even pussy?" asked Johnny Wilder, to which Snake somehow replied "Fuck yes" with a straight face. After dinner, we decided to try a few special beers to celebrate the evening. First up was Uinta Brewing's Cockeyed Cooper (11.10%), a barleywine that featured a label that boasted a cartoon depiction of the hilarious "Dude" at our favorite new blog, "It's a fucking beer". This beer was full of flavor and had a decent kick. Smooth without making you feel like you were drinking alcoholic cough syrup, it was a really good. Next was a new beer from 3 Floyd's, The Creeper (9.0%), a doppelbock style beer that true to 3 Floyd's form, didn't seem like a doppelbock at all. Celebrator is the standard for which the BC4M judges doppelbocks, and The Creeper seems more like a second cousin, but what a sweet ass bitch she is. Dark roasted malts combine with a hidden kick in the nads to create an amazing beer. Another really good was the result, so we finished the tasting for the night with a Goose Island Vanilla Bourbon County Stout (13.0%). We have raved about both the regular Bourbon County Stout as well as the Coffee version, (both receiving the RFG rating) and this one is even better. Smoother than the honeypot under the ass floss of a Belgian street walker, this was an incredible beer. The alcohol was just enough to give you a hint of bourbon and the finish left you with a taste of vanilla ice cream. Each and every member immediately said, "That's a fucking RFG". Done with tasting for the night, we pulled out the remainders of the truckload of beers that had been brought for the festivities. No one can recall how many beers were consumed, but sometime after midnight, a seriously inebriated Bim and stone cold sober Wilder got the idea that that various Christmas decorations that adorned the neighborhood yards needed to be "inspected". To commemorate the occasion, Fred decided to rewrite a few stanzas from the Christmas classic,

"Twas the night before Christmas"

Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the hood

The yard ornaments were trembling, for Santa Bim was sporting wood

With Johnny Wilder riding shotgun,
Foxy Flamingo brought camera and flash

This naughty trio set out for a sodomizing dash

First up was the Nutcracker, all rigid and straight

His poor rear got worked over, by a dirty Santa looking to mate

Then what to my disbelieving eyes should appear

But Wilder and Bim, humping two innocent reindeer

An inflatable Santa was brought to his knees

A lonely "For Sale" sign was covered in pee

And on that storied night, not a creature was missed

And as the sun arose, the neighbors were pissed

But we still laugh at the tale we recall so well

Even if Bim and Johnny are going straight to hell.......

Merry Christmas from the BC4M.......In the immortal words of our dear friend Ricky Bobby......"If you don't like Santa Claus, then FUCK YOU"........

Ho Ho Ho ...Bitches

Friday night in the CHC. Bim put on his Billy Bob Thornton Santa suit and called a Flamingo with the hopes of getting all the neighborhood juggies to go for a lap ride. The girls and boys arrived as Santa Bim declared them naughty or nice, and the party commenced. We started the night with an Avery Dugana (8.5%). This IPA has a cool picture of an Indian porn star (dot not feather) on the bottle, as confirmed by the groups pornologist, J. Wilder. He confirmed that the chick's name is Bopatragohain Chaganti, and she's known as the Cock Tease of Calcutta. The beer, while not extrordinary, was a solid good. Next up was Bim's attempt at Dogfish Head's Billy Budd (14%), a combination of Indiam Brown, Palo Santo Maron, and 120min IPA. Bim raved about this alcohol bomb that he sampled at Rehoboth, and his attempt at it's recreation was quite good. Following this sweet, syrupy beer, we cracked open one of the few new beers available at Total Wine, the Industrial IPA (7.9%) by Diamond Knot. It had a somewhat chalky taste, as if it was brewed at a industrial chalk factory, and rated only a so/so. Red Hook Eisbock 28 (11.8%) was marketed as a "ice processed winter warmer". Snake's idea of a winter warmer is dropping a Cleveland steamer in his pants while out on the frozen plains hunting caribou. We were a bit worried, but this beer was no Cleveland Steamer bean, in fact, it was smooth and sweet, and garnered a really good. Then back to Avery for their Old Jubilation Ale (8.3%). Prince Mike took a healthy swig, and immediately declared, "Ho Ho Whoa... this shit is weak." A very solid so/so. But we weren't finished yet. Prince, who'd recently returned from recent trip to Fuquay Varina, NC (pronounced Fucky Vagina) brought back two growlers of beer, a Hog Wild IPA (6.7%) and a Devil's Tramping Ground Tripel (9.2%), brewed by Aviator Brewing. Who are these guys? No one in the group could find this town on a map, but damn can they make beer. Despite the fact that the growlers were a week old, they were both quite good and rated so. It was about this time the the meeting descended into mayhem. We started drinking every previously reviewed beer we could find, and our Santa Bim went from Jolly Old Nick, to just another smelly old drunken child molesting Santa wannabe. Until next time, Merry Christmas Bitches!!!

Thar She Blows

With the holiday season fast approaching, the boys in the BC4M knew that their chances for having meetings would dwindle as the various members would be "persuaded" into doing manly things such as a peaceful day of "shopping with the Mrs.", baking "cookies" for the Ladies of CHC cookie swap, picking out that "unique" tree decoration for the annual neighborhood ornament exchange, or making like Clark W. Griswald and making the front yard visible from as far away as say Santiago, Chile. We found a hole in the schedule last Thursday that allowed for Bim, 10pm, Snake and Johnny Wilder to meet at Fred's for another round of Whale-a-palooza 2010. As Fred and Snake opened up the garage fridge where the whales were resting peacefully, the reigning coed double sculled kayak champion of the group, Bim, let out a raucous "Thar She Blows" that signaled the group to come to order for the meeting. First up was a Firestone Walker 14th Anniversary Ale (12.5%). This is a special blend of several of the Firestone Walker beers, including Parabola, Sticky Monkey and Black Xantos. This a barrel aged blend that is simply fantastic. The flavor was like a slightly boozy chocolate caramel latte with an incredible finish. A great way to start the night off, we gave it a really good. Next was an Italian import Baladin Nora (6.8%). Supposedly an Egyptian style brew, it is made with a form of wheat called kamut, to which ginger, myrrh and Vatican city urinal water is added, because this "beer" was simply awful. "What the fuck" asked the always charitable Fred, "This shit tastes like I'm eating the runoff from Cleopatra's yeast infection." "Damn Fucking Eye-talians paying us back for kicking their fettuccine eating asses back in WWII". Sucks was the vote for this 12 oz. version of extra strength vagisil. We moved on to a Chimay Premiere (7.0%), a Trappiste style beer that is both creamy and easy drinking, with the typical Belgian yeastiness that is predominant in the style. Decent, but not as good as the Chimay Blue, we gave it a good. While we decided on the next beer, we flipped through the channels and found one the most endearing Christmas classics of all time, Rudolph, and then about pissed our lederhosen when the scene with Hermie the Elf in the workshop came on. As we recovered from laughing ourselves almost sober, we cracked open a Harvey & Sons (Lewes) LTD Imperial Extra Double Stout (9.0%). Most British imports tend to have a very peculiar malt flavor that we aren't fond of, but this one was more like a dark chocolate bar. Smokey, slightly sweet and full of flavor, we enjoyed this smooth as a pair of silk pajamas stout from our English cousins. A solid good, we moved on to a Hitachino Nest Commemorative Ale (8.0%). "Hell, a fucking Jap beer, a fucking English beer and a fucking Italian beer, all we need now is a few fucking Kraut and Soviet beers and we got us the BC4M version of Axis and Allies" said Fred, whose great-uncle was famed Army Ranger Lt. Aldo Raine. The beer wasn't much better than Fred's feelings on "damn Tojo and the Huns" . "Its alright" was the immediate response from 10pm, who has rates most beers on the initial sip. "This is like a carbonated malt volcano" said Bim as we watched the poured head rise like a 20 year old's woodie upon seeing his girlfriends sweater puppies nekid for the first time. This beer was made with seemingly every spice known to the native of Southeast Asia and despite that fact it still tasted decent so it got a so-so. Cascade Brewing's Bourbonic Plague (12.1%) was offered next. A northwest style sour ale, it is brewed using both wine and bourbon barrels and has just a hint of sour to it. 10pm said, "Its getting better with every sip", while Snake (known for his dislike of small boobs and sour beers) said it was "pretty damn good". This one is boozy without making you feel like you slept in a bourbon barrel all night and the touch of sour gives it a unique finish. A really good was the grade as we continued with a New Belgium 2°Below (6.6%). Normally, they make some decent beers, but this was just plain shitty. "The Yuengling of craft beers" said Bim, as J. Wilder added it was so weak the bartender might say "Need a beer to go with your 2° Below?". So-so is giving it more credit than it deserves, but since it isn't quite at the sucks level we gave it a reprieve. We decided to give New Belgium another chance by trying their Lips of Faith 2010 La Folie (6.0%). A true sour, this one is tart, crisp and sweet at the finish. A true classic, we will be buying more of this really good "madness" in a bottle. We then decided it was time to bust open the whales scheduled for the evening. First up was Cigar City's Marshal Zhukov Russian Imperial Stout (11.0%). Big, bold and over the top, like the famed "Rooskie" General its named for, this one was as smooth as the skimpy satin panties your ex-girlfriend used to model for you in your dorm room before she found out you liked to plant your face in her best friends crotchless panties even more. "Holy shit!, this is amazing" proclaimed Fred, as the taste rolled over your tongue like a tsunami of melted chocolate. The group was split, as some wanted to go RFG, but the majority declared that although outstanding, it rated a mere really good. The next whale was Goose Island Coffee Bourbon County Stout (13.0%). Imagine if you will the smoothest, creamiest iced coffee you have ever tasted and then gave it a kick with some ultra premium bourbon. This is what you get with this beer, it made the really smooth Zhukov taste as smooth as a bowl of lumpy mashed potatoes. The vanilla hints mixed with the not too bitter coffee simply made this a truly remarkable beer. Even Wilder, who has yet to meet a coffee flavored stout he likes, remarked that "I ain't gonna lie, this shit is awesome". RFG was the unanimous vote as we decided to keep the stout love going with a Port Brewing Older Viscosity (12.0%). "Not your dad's 30 weight" read the label, as we poured our third straight black as tar bottle of motor oil. Also aged in whiskey barrels, "Are we ever gonna try something not fucking barrel aged?" asked the suddenly loquacious Wilder who normally spends his time at the meetings endlessly texting clients for his ever expanding wholesale fleshlight business which trades on the NYSE as "Dick Wood's Hardware". If it weren't for the high standard set by the Bourbon County Stout, this one would probably get an RFG as well, but it was not quite on that level so it got a really good. Two beers were all that remained on the agenda, so we plowed forward with a Founder's Nemesis (12.0%). This is their yearly brew that changes annually as they attempt to "diabolically brew to decimate ordinary average run of the mill beers". Claiming to contain 100 IBU's, this one went down easy but had a noticeable burn that had us wondering what firewater they brewed this with. "100 IBU's my ass" said noted hop grower Bim, "but it sure as hell tastes fucking good". We all agreed, this supposed "wheat wine" was indeed unique and earned a solid good. The final beer of the evening was Bell's 25th Anniversary Ale (8.5%). By this time of the night, our taste buds were probably a bit saturated from the alcohol bombs we were guzzling like locusts in a corn field. This beer was ok, in that it didn't stand out in any way, and would probably get a better grade if it got rated earlier in the evening. This one was so-so to good because it lacked any defining characteristics and was unremarkable in flavor. We had finished off the collection for the evening, another RFG added to the list and several really goods to go along with it. The meeting was adjourned and as we got up to leave, we raised our glasses for a final toast, "Long live the whales"... Until our next sea story.....Salude!

The Blacker the Whale, the Sweeter the Brew

With the rest of the BC4M brotherhood out either getting pedicures, mangina waxes or singing alto-tenor for the local "glee" club, Bim, Wilder and Fred decided it was time for the real men of the club to have another round of whale tasting. First up was a new beer from Smuttynose, the sister brewery to Portsmouth Brewing (makers of whale Kate the Great). The Smuttynose Smuttonator Double Bock (9.6%) was a decent take on the always popular doppelbock style. While it had a subtly sweet flavor, it was good but by no means in the same zip code as a Celebrator. We could drink a lot more of these, but the body was just a bit off and so it got a good. Wilder produced a new bottle from the "save the planet one fucking wind turbine at a time" according to atom splitter Fred, the Outer Banks Brewing Station Moondog ESB (5.4%). The beer poured the color of a bad golden shower, (Bim asked, "Is there such a thing as a bad golden shower?") and the taste wasn't any better. "This shit is flat awful" said Wilder, ashamed he had wasted 1.99 on the bottle. Bim added, "Other than that Steamship and Tongs, everything they make is flat fucking terrible, are you sure the ESB doesn't mean extra shitty beer?". This shit is so bad that Madge from Palmolive probably used to use this stuff to remove the warts from under her armpits. A true SUCKS, we poured out the rest of the bottle and moved on to a Sam Adams Chocolate Bock (5.6%). Sam Adams makes both really good beers as well as some really mediocre shit. This stuff poured from the bottle like a carbonated YooHoo, and the taste was akin to the leftover milk in your bowl of koo-koo for Cocoa Puffs, and you know we all love to drink that slightly chocolatey concoction. In fact, they boys in Boston probably bought every stale bowl of cereal that the General Mills cereal folks were throwing out and ground it up to add to this batch. The body was very light, almost like a bottle of cacao pop rocks, but the taste was pretty good, so it ended up getting a good. The final bottle of the night was mini whale Foothill's Brewing Sexual Chocolate (9.75%). Bim pulled out the bottle and decided that the cover model reminded him of the first woman he ever laid in bed punching the clown to, Lt Uhura from Star Trek. Bim has never met a nubian ass he didn't want to mount like a horny beagle with a case of blue balls. Since he was a little tipsy and the bottle label was calling to him like an erotic voodoo priestess, he decided that he needed to serenade the "african queen" with a live version of Dr. Spock's classic interracial love anthem Ruby. As we fell out of our chairs with laughter at the sight of Bim proposing a night of passionate love making to an imaginary "foxy cleopatra", we poured a beer as dark and rich as beloved African dictator Ida Amin. This beer is brewed with cocoa nibs added and it tasted as sweet and delicious as a melted Milky Way bar. Amazing flavor with just a hint of bitterness, the roasted malts stand out and there is just enough alcohol to make you realize that "this bitch don't play". Really good was the result as we decided to end the evening early since Bim obviously needed some alone time to get out all his pent up "aggression". Another successful whale night down, we looked forward to another adventure in whaling down the road.....

Whale Week Begins!

And so it began, the culmination of hours of bidding on Ebay, countless dollars spent and anxious days awaiting the arrival of the so called "Whales" of the craft beer industry. No one knows for sure what actually constitutes a whale, but the Indiana Jones of the BC4M, Fred, vowed to gather all the sacred "brewed one day a year beers" that usually incite some sort of maniacal rioting and perhaps even a rabid bidding war in order to obtain one of what the nerds of craft beerdom might consider "the precious". Our vaunted research team at KVWN-TV4 had determined that the following 5 beers are universally considered world class and almost unattainable by the general public. Portsmouth Brewing's Kate the Great, Cigar City Hunahpu Imperial Stout, Surly Darkness, 3 Floyd's Dark Lord, and The Bruery Black Tuesday are among the finest beers to be made in the world. Other than the Hunahpu, all are sold on a single day each year to a mob of craft beer geeks determined to grab every bottle available and then turn around and sell them on Ebay to beertards like the members of the BC4M at extortionist prices. We added 5 lesser but still world class beers to the pantheon in order to have ourselves a "whale week". The lesser whales include Coast Brewing's Blackbeerd Imperial Stout, Cigar City's Marshal Zhukov's Imperial Stout, Foothill's Brewing Sexual Chocolate, Oskar Blue's Barred Aged Ten Fidy and Goose Island Coffee Bourbon County Stout. It was a unusually warm Thursday evening that found Snake, Wilder and Bim joining Fred at his compound to kick off the inaugural BC4M "Whale Week". First up was Coast Brewing Blackbeerd Imperial Stout (9.3%) A nice thick and dark head pulsed from the bottle as we poured a round for the Founding Fathers in attendance. The first sip was like the opening broadside from a renegade privateer engaging a French frigate, yet the finish was as hollow as the remorse in Tiger Wood's apology for banging all those washed up hacks with fake cans. Slightly tangy, it was decent but only rated a good from the panel. Next was Cigar City Hunahpu's Imperial Stout (11.5%). This one was as black as the underside of King Kong's taint yet it tasted amazing. Brewed with cocoa nubs, ancho chilis, cinnamon and Madagascar vanilla, it had an earthy, almost cherry chocolate flavored taste that lingered like velvet on the tongue. The contents of our glass looked like the runoff from the engine of Ricky Bobby's Wonderbread machine after winning the "Cock and Balls 500" but it tasted simply amazing. The flavor was intense, and the smoothness rivaled the sweetest set of labia you ever laid your lips on. Simply fantastic, we agreed that another RFG would be added to the list. Not wanting to end the meeting so soon, we went to the fridge and pulled out another group of beers for the tasting. A growler filled with Devils Backbone Blue Ridge Hop Revival (6.0%) was a gift from the ladies of the CHC Wine Club for Women (and guys that ain't got the nads to drink beer) from their recent trip to Shenandoah wine country. Decent and flavorful, but we probably kept it too long before drinking so it wasn't as fresh as it should be and the grade suffered somewhat earning only a so-so. Two new beers from the Pacific Northwest, Cascade Brewing's Vlad the Imp Aler (10.6%) and The Vine (8.33%) were opened next. Vlad was a beer we tried in Denver at the GABF and we thought it rated a really good. Fred and Wilder are into the "sour" beers that are currently all the rage in the craft beer world. Vlad didn't disappoint as it is described as a "blonde quad aged for 18 months in bourbon barrels." More wine flavored that bourbony, the sour factor can curl the tonsils but the flavor is so intense it borders on amazing. "Damn, this shit is making my toes curl" said Wilder, "sorta like that 10 dollar a night ball smoker when she huffed my johnson for a hit off the rock down in P-town". Wilder said, "I told that bitch, get ya spoon, you gum this schlong, you got yo rock". The beer was phenomenal and it got a really good, even from Bim who is slowly but surely coming around to the taste of beer mixed with sour patch kids. The Vine spends a year doing some "lactic fermentation", "Hell, I would give my left nut to spend a year lactating on a nice set of milkwagons" said the always frisky Snake as Bim told him it was actually a way of adding a "sour" flavor to a beer. "I don't give a shit what it means, I still wanna do it" said the resident "teddy bear" of the BC4M. This beer is even more sour and funky than Vlad. Fred's adorable wife, the always winetabolous Foxy Flamingo, said it was so tart, "That'll sure start your car up" which we took to mean some late night booty shaking was about to begin. "Tastes like sweet tarts mixed with Welch's grape juice" said Bim, but the taste was still awesome. Mixing sweet, sour and vinegary while maintaining a smooth full body garnered this one a really good. Keeping up the sour theme, we opened up a Duchese De Bourgogne (6.0%) which was a Flemish sour red that Wilder had tasted at the Capitol Ale House and Fred had sampled at the Norfolk Tap House. Not nearly as tart as the Vine, the rich red coloring provided the backdrop for a flavorful but not overly sour that was in the words of Bim, "Outstanding". Another really good, so we tried a Terrapin Brewmaster Collection Monstre Rouge (8.5%). This one is a collaboration beer that is supposedly a Flanders red. The taste however, was more like Ned Flanders' ball sweat as it has neither a sour or vinegary taste and was a watery mess of a beer. So-so at best, we were highly disappointed because Terrapin generally makes some great beers but this one was equivalent to getting a backwards K in the bottom of the ninth. We opened another Terrapin, Reunion '10 (8.5%) which is a Belgian style Scotch ale brewed to honor and raise funds for bone cancer victims. Made with a metric ton of Belgian candi sugar, this one got mixed reviews. One member said, "Decent, even if it promotes tooth decay", while another said, "Throw this shit out, they aint gonna raise any money if they continue selling this swill." A so-so was the result, and we moved on to the final two beers of the night. Troeg's Mad Elf Ale (11.0%) was up first, and we also love most of their products. This one gets rave reviews from various online resources, so we were expecting a really good beer as a result. An ale "brewed with honey and cherries" this one tasted like a bad batch of Dimetapp mixed with Nyquil. "Fuck that is awful" said Fred, "If I wanted to drink cod liver oil, I wouldn't have paid 12 bucks for a bottle". Wilder said he thought it was ok, but overall the group was disappointed so we gave it a so-so. The final beer of opening night of the whales was a Left Hand Warrior IPA (6.6%). They didn't have this on tap when we were in Denver at their brewery, so we were anxious to try a new IPA since they are a favorite of the group. Made with Colorado fresh hops, this one was dry as a pair of chapped lips on a January morning and although quite hoppy, it had about as much ass as a 19 year old anorexic. Another so-so, we were out of beers and it was well past 1 am, so we called it a night, excited about the new RFG added to the list. Until our next whaling expedition....Fair winds and following seas matey's....