Chocolate Rain

The event was a birthday party. Johnny Wilder's wife was turning 15, her quinceanera. To celebrate the day, the girls decided on a chocolate party. Some broad was hired to bring in all kinds of chocolate, and while she entertained the ladies in one room, the boys moved to another to celebrate life's biggest gifts: some special meat that Snake brought over and beer. About 15 minutes into the extravaganza, Bim showed up. The resident proctologist that he is, Bim crashed the all-female chocolate party and wowed the ladies with his unique perspective on the chocolate treats and how closely they resembled the characters in the Bristol Stool Chart, the subject on which he based his doctoral dissertation. Barely escaping with his nutsack intact, he was immediately banned to the male side of the party. With that, the tasting kicked off. It was a full tasting group, as interlopers from all across the east coast joined us this night. We started the night with Scuttlebutt Weizenbock (7.9%). This beer had a slightly boozy feel to it, and was a good start to the night, rating a good. Diamond Knot Ho!Ho! (8.5%) was more like Whoa Whoa! Don't buy this shit! It sucks! Stuff tasted like liquid sawdust and was the first pour out of the night. Lagunita's Cappucino Stout (9.26%) had a very robust coffee smell, but a light body, rating a good. Bavik Petrus Oude Bruin (5.5%) had a slightly sour taste, a hard as hell name to pronounce, but all in all was really good. Otter Creek's 20th Anniversary Ale  (12%) was sweet as fuck, which everyone loved, rating it a really good. It was about this time that Bim decided to entertain the group with his stories of youthful indescretion. He regalled us with his telling of how he used to urinate in the ball washers on public golf courses. Everyone laughed at Bim's loveable story, except for Wilders brother-in-law, Rory, a golf pro who specializes in schooling young ladies on the finer points of golf. Apparently young Rory had recently used such a ball washer, and was not so amused. Fred quickly eased the tension by cracking a previously reviewed beer, Cigar City's Marshal Zhukov. This stout is spectacular, and only gets better with age. Twisted Pine's Bigshot Expresso Stout (6.0%) was opened next. This thing tasted like a strong shot of coffee, but not much else, and rated a so/so. Brouwery De Dochter van de Korogaar Embrasse (9.0%), was a beer with a really long fucking name, but a pretty good taste. Bayerischer Bahnhof Brettanomyces Lambicus (3.0%) was tart, tangy, and while not enjoyed by all, still was a good by split decision. We next had a Founders Breakfast Stout extravaganza, comparing the Breakfast Stout, 2009 Kentucky Breakfast Stout, 2010 KBS, and the recently released Canadian Breakfast Stout (10.6%). The CBS was the only new beer, an instant RFG. The smoothness of the stout with the sweetness of the Canadian Whiskey was truly amazing. Worth the wait! Foothills 2010 Baltic Porter (9.0%) was a good follow-on, a really nice smooth porter, rating really good. Alaskan Brewing's Smoked Porter (6.5%) tasted like a cross between a campfire and a used bandaid, and was not very good at all, rating a so/so. Epic's Brainless on Cherries (10.3%) tasted like a Belgian farm ale up front, with a smooth cherry finish, rating a good. The Lost Abbey's Devotion (6.75%) was a very tasty beer. Smooth and refreshing, it was an easy really good. Last up was a special treat from our beer blogging, home brewing buddy out in California,  John Holzer. John was kind enough to give us one of his homebrews, a Habanero Saison (9.1%) that was easily one of the better beers of the night. This spicy bomb was just right, not too hot and damn smooth, rating a really good. The night was a good one. Lots of good beers, and some sweet chocolate and meat as well! We closed the night by having our dancin' fool, Johnny Wilder, lead the boys in a little all-male dance party, BC4M style!

Bim's Halloween Surprise

As the lazy days of summer fade into autumn, the weather turns a bit cooler and the nights grow longer and longer, yet the boys at the BC4M never cease in their endless drinking shenanigans. Thankfully the arrival of the "It's a tad bit nipply" weather has caused Snake to give up his habit of showing up to meetings in his "man hammock". This week we decided to do a Sunday meeting so we could watch some football while rating some beers. Halloween was the next night, so Bim decided to get in the spirit a little early by deciding to reveal to us one of his funniest halloween stories. It seems that a few years back, when our neighborhood was first being built, he was the lone purveyor of candy for the greedy little devils that come around begging for handouts. Bim, always looking for new and imaginative ways to delight the kiddies, decided that particular year to give out "wax lips" candy while simultaneously killing off a case of King Cobra malt liquor dressed only in his bathrobe. As it turns out, the candy wasn't the hit he thought it would be, nor was the sight of his pecker gift wrapped with a free package of wax lips. Sometime towards the end of the evening, a pair of what appeared to the now shithoused Bim to be college age girls had shown up looking for some "goodies" and were shocked to see him parading his "Lt Dangle" around for all to see. "Aren't you girls a bit old to be out trick or treating?" asked a suddenly aroused Bim. "What the fuck kinda candy is that you sick fuck?" one of them shrieked, while the other one blasted Bim with f-bombs at the sight of his "perverted old fuck" costume. They promptly ran away but came back a short while later and peppered the front of Bim's house with slightly used toilet paper. Bim, himself fresh off the crapper from dropping a deuce and a half, took off like a naked maniac in pursuit. Luckily, the girls narrowly escaped into the woods due to Bim's tragic encounter with some briars that caused him to lose almost a half pint of blood before he could quell the bleeding, although he did threaten them with his "fleshlight and back door dance" if they ever came back around. Bim eventually made it back home and passed out on the couch, and thankfully, no one was the wiser for his antics. He no longer gives out candy and instead spends most halloweens giving prostate exams at the local free clinic. To set the mood of the meeting off right, Fred decided a Weyerbacher Romeo (8.0%) was in order, "to celebrate our naked heartthrob". This is a Belgian strong ale that is sweet like a quad and thick like cough syrup. The belgian yeast shines through the slight heat from the alcohol and leaves it a bit boring. So so at best, we then pulled out the Mikkeller Black Hole Stout (13.1%) series to do a side by side tasting. The boys at Mikkeller take their phenomenal Black Hole Stout and then age it in different barrel styles to give it a unique taste. We had acquired 6 of the 7 different bottles and decided now was a perfect time to try them. First up was the Tequila Barrel, a super sweet, intense agave flavor that poured through the thick dark stout roastiness and garnered a really good. Next was the Cognac Barrel, which had a real smooth velvety finish that had subtle hints of the brandy character of the aging barrels. Another really good, we then tried both the Red Wine Barrel and White Wine Barrel, each of which was imparted a noticeable tart note from the wine. Both were solid but thin, so each received a good. Bourbon Barrel was then opened and it had the distinctive sour mash flavor from a fine bourbon but the profile was turned down a notch and it didn't hit your tongue with the fire that is present is most good bourbons. Another solid good, we then got a huge kick to the stomach when we tried the Scotch Whiskey Barrel version. Imagine taking a band-aid and then throwing it in a campfire, dousing the fire with sea salt and then pouring the wet remains into a bottle. This tasted worse than that sounds and was simply awful. "I would rather chew on a newborns wet diaper than drink another sip of this gasoline" said Bim as Snake chimed in, "This tastes like a used diaphragm, a really used one". This was a quick drain pour and received a sucks for good measure. To hopefully finish the day on a good note, we then tried a Mikkeller It's Alive! (8.0%). This one is classified as a Belgian Strong Pale Ale, but its more gueuze/lambic tasting to us. Lots of barnyard funk and lemon zest smack you at first followed by a very slight sour note that was a welcome respite from the liquid ashtray that had just annihilated our tongues. Definitely worth a try, this one got a really good. Since Snake had to leave for a "financial planning" session at the oceanfront later that afternoon, we decided to adjourn the meeting with plans on having a blowout the following weekend. Just remember kids, when you're out trick or treating and you happen to come across a clown with big red lips......run as fast as you can and never look back....it might be Bim and his fleshlight.....

Snake goes to NY

The BC4M decided to give founding father Snake, a proper sendoff. Our beloved brother was preparing to depart the commonwealth so that he could help out with the Occupy New York protests. He wasn't sure what his job would be, but he requested either foot massager or latrine duty. What you may not know about Snake is that during the 60's he was a driving force in the hippy movement. His exploits are legendary. He claims to have dropped acid with Timothy Leary and once had a 3 way with Liberace and one of Liberace's Thai "lady" friends. It creeps us out whenever he brings it up, so we prefer not to relive that experience. While in New York, he had hoped to be able to take a side trip to Upper Manhattan in order to kick the shit out of our old pal Dr. Gunthumper, time permitting. But before the festivities could begin, we were treated to a show from Prince Mike, fresh from his dream hands class. Unfortunately, Johnny Wilder and D-rail couldn't make the session. They were on their way to Nigeria to find the guy who keeps emailing us, the "Honorable Joseph Ondago", who keeps filling Johnny's in-box with his spam and his heart with the false hope of striking it rich. Once found, that son-of-a-bitch was either going to cough up some cash or die! Last we heard, Wilder had been sold into slavery by the Dig Dig tribe. But enough of the jibber jabber, let's hear about the beers!

First beer of the night was a Belgian Wit Homebrew by Crazy Ken's strength coach. Once again, a homebrewer attempts to humiliate us and succeeds. The beer was good, which really pisses us off. Next was De Halve Maan Brewery's Straffe Hendrick Quad (11%). We're generally not big Belgian fans, but this one was good. Sam Adams Stony Brook Red (9.0%) was a very nice tarty Belgian beer. Sam Adams, despite the fact that they are nearly a macro, can still brew some good shit. This beer is one of them, rating a really good. Short's Brewing Key Lime Pie (5.5%) was next (thanks to trading partner David Taylor),  was one of the most interesting beers of the night. Brewed with marshmallows and limes, it tasted like Key Lime Pie, but not sure if that should be in a beer. It was a split decision between so/so and good. Harpoon Rich and Dan's Rye IPA (6.9%) was a good beer that, while not spectacular, improved with every sip. Terrapin Midnight Project Peotch (7.2%) had a nice peach bite. We agreed that this was a really good beer. Peak Organic King Crimson (9.0%) was a imperial red ale. This beer, while no Gordon, was nice, despite all the organic bullshit, rating a good. Upland Brewing Co.'s Dragonfly IPA (6.8%) was a malty mess. Where's the hops? Apparently still in the fields. This one was a so/so at best. Thirsty Dog Barktoberfest (6%) was a decent beer in this style, rating a good. Thirsty Dog Apricot Wheat (5.2%) was good for a wheat beer, but apricots are like the hillbilly cousin of the peach, and as such, are not well liked. Carolina Beer's Cottonwood Pumpkin (5.1%) was garbage. Please stop brewing this shit. Ska Local Series Hoperation Ivy #20 smelled like the dogshit in Crazy's yard, and didn't taste much better, rating a so/so. Southern Star Pine (6.3%) was good. The can states "clarity is overrated", and so is this beer. Southern Star's Buried Hatchet Stout (8.25%) advertises its "traditional pre-Industrial Revolution malt profile". WTF??? this is the 21st century! Despite this, it was a good. Berrefico Del Ducatato La Luna Roossa (8%) was a wonderful slightly sour cherry beer which set Bim back $18 and was worth every penny. It was easily a really good. We followed with their Imperial stout (8.2%), which didn't rate as high, but was still good. Smuttynose (what is a smutty nose?) Imperial Stout (8.25%) may be the best beer they make, but still only rated a good. Legend  Brewing Co's Quad (11%), may be the best these guys make as well. It was sweet and was really good. Pub Dog, who brew 100 varieties of shitty beers, provided the Imperial Dog IPA (6.8%), and, surprisingly, it was good! Alaskan Brewery Raspberry Wheat (6.5%) was fucking awesome! Just the right amount of raspberry flavor, it was really good. At this point we should have stopped, but the BC4M is a runaway train! We stop for no one. The Brewer's Art Le Canard (8%) was good. The bar in Baltimore where these beers are brewed, is run by some very pretentious assholes, but this beer was pretty good. Next up was another Pub Dog, Wild Cherry Porter (5.8%). This, like the other beer from these guys, was good. Baird/Ishi/Stone Green Tea IPA (9.2%) was a weird collaboration, but a good beer. Bee Creek Ale (4.8%) smelled like cat piss. It tasted a little better, but not by much. Oaken Barrel Brewing Co.'s Razz Wheat (5%) had low expectations, but was a  good beer. Baying Hound Alewerks Taj Mahound Brown Ale (7%) had a weird flavor, rating a so/so. Peak Organic Hop Noir (8.2%) was a black IPA that was good...but enough of the organic bullshit! The Brewer's Art Green Peppercorn Trippel (10%) was a good. And finally, ending the rated beers was Cervezeria Cucapa (7.2%). Not only are Mexicans are great at sneaking across the border they also can brew some beer! This one was a solid good.

30 beers later, we capped the night off with a Firestone Walker Abacus, which, while delicious, was  probably not what we needed at that point. By the end of the night, Bim was so inebriated that his bottle toss into the woods barely cleared his own feet. One could compare it to the throw from a 90 yr old woman, but that would be an insult to 90 yr old women. Fred, unable to walk the 50 feet to his own home, called himself a cab. Snake staggered home and promptly pissed in his laundry hamper. Now, dear readers, 2 of the preceding events are completely true...you figure it out! Until next time, we leave you with Bim's theme song...