Fred turns 40, AGAIN

Recently, the BC4M had a chance to welcome one of Bim's co-workers Dr. Luscious Gunthumper, a rising young star in the suddenly ultra competitive gastro-intestinal field that goes by the call sign "Harry Colonic" over for a meeting. On this particular night, the BC4M was gathered at Fred's to once again celebrate his 40th birthday, an annual tradition started two years prior when he actually achieved that milestone. That first edition of his birthday bash had gone on to achieve legendary status in the hood after seeing some of the ladies doing coed keg stands, and "vodka ice luges", but was topped off by some witnesses reportedly seeing Fred going down the pool slide multiple times wearing only a mischievous grin and his birthday suit. This year however, Fred's better half, the delightfully feisty Nestle Goodbody had put her foot down and declared the pool and hot tub off limits for naked folk, but the rest was fair game. While the girls gathered in the kitchen to tarry at the grape and kill off bottles of some sort of magic panty peeling potion called Hypnotic, a veritable who's who of the BC4M membership showed up to welcome our guest and enjoy a buffet of NC style BBQ and chicken fingers. Snake, Wilder, D-Rail, Bim, Big Mike, OMT, Frank the Tank, Crazy Ken, Fred and 10pm said hello to not only Dr. G but also 10pm's brother, a professional cyclist turned home brewer named Howard Stout. Howie, one of a handful of survivors of the treacherous 2007 Tour de Kabul that saw 15 cyclists killed by a wayward goat herder hopped up on a combination of crystal meth and a belly full of sausage gravy, was in town to participate in the annual "Sand Grundle Invitational", an exhausting 40 mile sprint along water moccasin infested trails deep inside Back Bay. He had brought a sample of his home brew, so we decided to start the night with his Howard Stout Brewing Do or Die Rye (5.5%). This one poured a ruby red with a noticeable amount of chunks left over in the bottle. The taste was pretty good, as it got BC4M brewmaster Bim to tell Howard, "Fuck you, this is damn good". Everyone agreed, this tasted better than many of the commercial beers we had previously rated, and it would make a good session beer. A solid good, we then tried a Great Crescent Bourbon Barrel Stout (7.5%). As you know, we love the bourbon barrel aged beers, but this pile of dog shit had as much bourbon taste as a four day old bowl of soured oatmeal. A so so at best, we moved on to a beer that remarkably was even worse. Craggie Brewing's Burning Barrel:Bourbon Chipotle Porter (5.9%) was as much fun to taste as sharing a growler full of greasy donkey ball sweat. Wilder had purchased it back when we were in Winston Salem for the Barrel Aged Sexual Chocolate release because Fred had thought at the time, "that shit sounds good". Whatever it is that these morons do to the beer, they need to stop, because the beer has a soul as empty as Bim's after he has finished caressing your pet chinchilla Mr Squeeky. This one was a complete drain pour and rated a sucks so we cleansed our palates and cracked open a Jackie O's Oil of Aphrodite (10.0%). Bim had gotten his hands on this beer recently as a token of appreciation from the "Council of Gangrel" for filling in as a guest "wizard" at their weekly LARP gathering while back home in Ohio. The bottle claimed it was a double stout brewed with walnuts, and the taste backed the label up. "A springboard for true nuttiness" said Howard, as we were intrigued by the walnut flavor that gave way to a charcoal like ending but wondering just what the fuck he meant by that. "This needs to age a bit" said Snake, "I bet it gets a whole lot smoother with time". A decent beer, we gave it a good and then tried an Ithaca Brewing Old Habit (9.0%). This one shot out of the glass like a money shot from everybodys favorite adult film star,  "The Milkman". "Damn, what is this, Zima?" said Wilder. Sweet and bubbly, this is a crisp and tart, sorta like a wine spritzer. "What is this, the wine club for pussies?" said Snake, "get this shit out of here" he added. So so at best, we then decided it was time to open up a DuClaw Colossus (21.92%). This beast poured like the Mount Vesuvius of sugar, as you could smell the sticky sweetness in the air as the bottle was passed around. "Holy fuck, I can already feel the cavities forming" said Wilder, as we sipped on this super rich delight that hinted at being a barleywine, but also had smooth velvety finish. This one was a winner, and it received a unanimous really good. Next was a fresh bottle of Kern River Citra DIPA (8.0%) that we had received in trade from our pals Kasey and Ryan out in California. This one smelled amazing as we sniffed the floral nose that said, "fuck yes that's grapefruit". Wow, this one hits the tastes buds so smooth and with a huge rush of hops. An amazing beer, the room was evenly split between really good and RFG, so we had to settle for really good. Next was another trading bottle from the land of fruits, nuts and liberals, this time from our friends Patty and Derek who had sent us an Alpine Exponential Hoppiness (11.0%). Alpine makes some of the best beers on the planet, and this one was simply to quote Fred, "outfuckinstanding". Hops assault your tongue with a hidden alcohol bomb that goes down without a hiccup. "That is sure as fuck an RFG" said Bim, as we enjoyed this immensely tasty worthy peer to our beloved Pliny. Trying to keep the mood going, we then opened a Cigar City Papaya IPA (7.5%). Brewed with unsweetened dried papaya, this one had a very unique taste. Dr G immediately said, "this is awful, like a moldy pop-tart", but everyone else said it was either "interesting" or "not too bad" so it got a good. It probably suffered from having followed the two nearly perfect beers prior, so maybe we will try this one another time. Moving on, we opened a The Bruery 100% Barrel Aged Cuir (14.5%), their 3rd anniversary beer. As many of you may know, Fred and Nestle got to meet Bruery founder Patrick Rue while they were out on a 5 day beer drinking marathon earlier this year in California. Fred, the chairman of the BC4M's right wing faction had asked Patrick just how the hell you pronounced the name of this beer, and like a college lad discovering the joys of "dutch ovening" your new girlfriend, he got a chuckle upon learning the proper way to say it is QUEER. The regular version had been rated earlier and was still green and needed aging, but this one is super rich, sweet and boozy, sorta like that Aunt with the floppy cans that likes to give u hug after hug at Christmas time. The jokes were flying while we sipped this, as Dr G added, "I really like the Cuir" while Bim added, "it goes in and around the mouth so easily". Despite the name (it means leather in French, the traditional third anniversary item), it was easily an RFG, so we happily moved on to a The Bruery Batch 300 Trippel (8.2%), a homebrew contest winner that is an oaked trippel brewed with those delicious Citra hops. This one was pretty damn good, and BC4M head brewer Bim once again shouted out, "Another fucking homebrew that tastes awesome, well fuck him!" A solid good, we then tried a DuClaw Naked Fish (4.6%), a raspberry chocolate stout that tasted like a watery Whitman's sampler cordial. "This shit sucks" said Snake, as we were all let down by this watery mess. If they could make it more robust and richer in body they would have a winner, but this is thinner than a melted Andes mint. So-so was the result, so we then got out the last two beers of the night. First was a Jolly Pumpkin Maracaibo Especial (7.5%). This one take the chocolate flavor and adds some barnyard funk and sour notes to it. It envelops your tongue with the tartness and then dissolves into a chocolate fountain  as it rolls over your tonsils. This was a really good, a huge hit among the sour lovers at the table. To end the night, we decided to crack open an Olde Rabbits Foot 2011 (11.0%). Pouring as dark as the tan on Dr G's fiance, this one is a real delight. Chocolate, toffee and vanilla meld seamslessly with the bourbon notes from the Pappy Van Winkle barrels used to age this beast. Another winner, this one also just missed out on RFG status with a really good. By this time, the entire entourage was cooked, and while we watched D-Rail and Dr G polish off the last remaining scraps of food like a pair of junkyard hounds we decided to call it a night. Another successful birthday down and nary a naked person to be seen, (a first for the neighborhood), we looked forward to our next meeting, where we would usher Snake one year closer to the big 5-0. Until next time...

Haiku you Motherf*$#%rs

If you are an avid follower of Bim on Twitter (@BC4MBIM), then you know he is a 69th degree master garter belt Haikusan (or what Southerners might call a "High-Cooo-Est") since just about every one of his tweets is crafted in the ancient Japanese poetry style. For years now, he has been honing his art much like a plumber or brick mason learns the skill of their trade with thousands of hours of dedicated apprenticeship. Bim first discovered his love of haiku while he was a young Naval Ensign stationed in Yokuska, Japan during the Korean War. Although he spent a majority of his days discovering the pleasures of coquettish Geisha's  while logging hours as an intern at the local infirmary/happy ending parlor, his nights consisted of repeated drunken encounters with the mightiest of weapons, the pen. His malt liquor and mescaline fueled pinings to his betrothed, (a fiesty young nursing school student named Florence Naughtygale  who was at the time back home in Ohio contemplating Bim's offer of marriage), were his only escape during his daunting 42 month long tour as a proctologist with a specialty in treating "ladyboy" showboat floozies suffering from "rectal prolapse". To honor our very own BC4M Poet Laureate, we decided to do the reviews of the beers we tried at a recent Executive Council meeting of the Founding Fathers "Haiku style". First up was a Mikkeller 1000 IBU's (9.6%). This one promised a good game as you all know we love the hop bombs prevalent among the west coast breweries, but this Danish import was about as hoppy as a spoonful of sour milk of magnesia. A mere so-so at best,


"Where for art thou hops? Thy bitterness surely lacks, Get it right fucknuts!"

Next, were two beers Bim brought back from a recent trip to a medical conference  in Baltimore where he gave the keynote address titled "Hemorrhoids and You, Two Pains in the Ass" . Both were forgettable as the Pub Dog Blueberry Dog (4.0%) was a flavorless cup of grape juice and the Pub Dog Very Cherry (5.2%) was best suited for preschoolers and bed wetters in need of nap time. Both were the true definition of sucks and if it wasn't for the sink staining dye that they used to color this swill up, these would have surely been drain pours.


"Red water pours out, Flavorless ass in a glass, Total shit indeed"


"Kid friendly koolaid, Alcohol free cough syrup?, Cease brewing we plead"

We then opened a jug of East End Brewing's Bigger Hop (9.0%) that we got in trade from Pennsylvania craft beer king, Jeff Kupko. This one was bitter but slightly more malty on the finish, but still quite tasty and got a solid good. Not quite in the category of say Alpine's Nelson or Duet, it's still a damn fine IPA and very well made.

"Very bitter start, Malty piney finishing, You ain't Double Jack"

Another gift received via beer trade, this one from Tim Dean of NYC, was a Captain Lawrence Nor'Easter (12.0%). This is an ale aged in bourbon barrels and brewed with elderberries to which Snake asked, 'Did you say dingleberries?" The taste was damn good as it had just a hint of sour funk to mellow the bourbony heat. J Wilder wasn't as sold on it as Bim and Fred were, but it still got a really good from the assembled group.

"Bourbon barrel aged, Elderberries, what are they?, Sweet and sour delight"

Next was a Sierra Nevada / Dogfish Head Life and Limb Vol. 2 (10.2%). The original version had garnered an RFG back when the lads were drunk as one eyed hoot-owls during last years GABF. Still, we anxiously awaited our first sip of this dark vixen. This one had a mishmash of delightful flavors, some pointing out chocolate and pine, others noting grapefruit and lemon peel. We all decided it was really good, but just not quite up to the first edition's level.

"Boozy dark and sweet, Life NOR limb does it warrant, Maybe a toenail?"

The final beer of the night was The Bruery Tart of Darkness (5.6%). This is one of their newest releases from their "Provisions Series" and it is a huge hit with the BC4M. Stout can't be mixed with sour you might suggest, but once you try this, you will crave it like a crack whore  jonesing the glass dick, it's fucking fantastic. Full bodied without being heavy, it is a perfect after dinner treat and easily earned an RFG.

"Sultry dark vixen, Divine sour puckers the tongue, Seduction complete"

Since it was a school night for some of us, we decided to end the evening on a high note with the deliciousness of Tart. Hopefully after reading this, the poetry snobs and flat chested women's lib majors among you won't be lock yourself away in a dark room listening to Morrissey screech and moan while wailing and gnashing your teeth against the defamation your sacred art form just received with our machinations on beer. If you find yourself in that position, just call the 1-800-SylviaPlath hotline for angst ridden, ritalin addled "artists" and remember, Haiku You Motherfuckers!

What's Round on the Ends and Hi in the Middle? O...HI...O...Mofo!

Another epic trip back to Ohio for me, Bim, and my lovely bride, Florence Naughtygale and kids. I was going to try, once again, to prove to family and friends that I am not, in fact, Cincinnati Gay. Although it was primarily a business trip (I own the largest gloryhole business on the east coast. We manage gloryholes in 12 states, all east of the Mississippi, mostly through contracts with state governments who allow us the use of their public restrooms).  In between a few awkward family meetings and some partaking of my second favorite kind of 3 way, the Skyline Chili type, we managed to get in a little beer shopping. First stop was a place called Dutch's. This used to be called Dutch's Pony Keg. Pony kegs are small beer kegs, but in Cincinnati, it's also a term used for small convenience stores. Back in the days of Bim's youth, were men were men and ships had sails, one could buy beer as well as block ice, sodas and maybe some nickel candy from a pony keg. Today, Dutch's is a one-of-a-kind beer store. The store has a garage door right on the sidewalk, that, once lifted, reveals hundreds of empty bottles. Make your selection, and the clerk dissappears into the walk-in fridge to find your beer. All pretty bizzare, but cool at the same time. We were able to find all sorts of little known breweries such as Listermann's, Wooden Shoe, and North Peak.

Why do all the trees in Ohio lean towards the west? Because Indiana sucks! (which may be my next gloryhole advertising slogan!) Well at least they used to before Three Floyds set up shop in Munster. My destination, Lawrenceburg, Indiana is home to several beer stores, most notably The Pour House Bottle Shop. While there was plenty of Bud Light to be found, there was also a generous selection of 3 Floyds, and even a growler of Great Crescent Barrel aged Stout. Total haul from Cincinnati and Southern Indiana: 60 beers and maybe a few relatives that now believe that I am not gay, not that there's anything wrong with being gay... or loving animals for that matter.

Last stop in the buckeye state was a little place with a big reputation: Jackie O's Pub. Back when I, Bim, was a young college student, I attended the number one party school in the USA, Ohio University. There was no Jackie O's back then, only shitty bars with shitty beers, and a buttload of hippies, protesting everything and anything. The hippies are still there, just a little older, but students nowadays can sample finely crafted beers like OPA (Ohio Pale Ale), Black Betty stout and Oil of Aphrodite. Brewmaster Brad Clark is cranking out some fantastic beers on a small scale. The following are reviews of those beers, and more: Black Betty (9%) is an imperial porter fermented on raspberries and aged on vanilla beans. Straight off the tap it was a smooth black wonderful beer! Oil of Aphrodite (10%) is an imperial stout brewed with walnuts and Belgian candy sugar. Sound good? It was fucking amazing! The OPA (Ohio Pale Ale 6%) was an excellent pale ale, rivaling the Alpha King from 3 Floyd's. Mystic Mama (7%) is a west coast IPA, and was smooth but not as hoppy as expected. Hogwash (5.2%) was just that. Not my style of beer, as I'm not too fond of smokey beers. Firefly Amber (5%) was a good session beer, but nothing special. And last on the list was Drawn and Portered (7%) which was smooth as silk and about as good a porter as I've ever had. While at Jackie O's, I was fortunate enough to meet a fellow beer lover, Mike, who was willing to trade me for some fine Jackie O's beers. Thank's again Mike, you made a great trip to Ohio even better! With the beers in hand we packed up the family car and headed home with our bounty. Looking forward to my next trip to the Buckeye State!