The King of all Whales

With the holidays fast approaching, the BC4M gathered at Johnny Wilder's outlandishly decorated "Griswald World" (which by the way finished a distant second in the inaugural CHC neighborhood gaudiest Christmas yard decoration contest to D-Rail's Rudolph the Red-nosed Reinbug themed yard), (although technically D-Rail's "estate" is located nearby along the banks of water moccasin infested Cooper's Ditch) to celebrate the end of the "whale" hunt we had begun recently. Bim, Fred, Snake and Wilder were joined by "Santa" Crazy Ken who rolled up the driveway in his new "sleigh". "Holy Shit", said the BC4M's resident big game hunter, Snake, "That there is a lot of nice racks, and you boys know how much I like a nice rack". "Amen brother" replied the sweater puppy loving Fred. "Less talking and more drinking" shouted Bim as we opened up a growler of Outer Banks Brewing Station Monk's Fest (7.4%). This is a Belgian style dubbel that hails from our favorite seaside resort, the OBX. The brewery is more miss than hit with most of their offerings, but this was a decent start to the night. More malty than hoppy, it had a smooth crisp flavor that went down as easy as a freshly shucked oyster. A good was the grade as we moved on to an Alesmith Old Numbskull (11.0%). This is a barleywine style ale and it was like taking a punch to the nads. Syrupy with a lot of heat, it had a strong bite like a rabid Doberman Pinscher but the smell was simply awful. "This smells like the worn socks on the unwashed feet of a migrant cabbage picker who has been in the fields for 3 weeks" said Bim, but damn did it taste good. "That border hopper sure has some tasty fucking socks" said Snake as we all decided it rated a good. We then cracked into a Lost Abbey Inferno Ale (8.5%) which had a skunky smell like one of those mass marketed beers in the green bottles (yes we're talking about you Heineken). The flavor was very hefeweizeny and we all recoiled at the taste that was as dry as a seventy five year old hooker's meat drapes on the tongue. "That thing has enough carbonation to power a damn windmill" said Wilder as we choked down the remains of a so-so beer that at least had a sweet label. To prepare ourselves for the final three whales, we opened up a Otter Creek Imperial Series Russian Imperial Stout (10.6%). This one had even more head than the Inferno and had a much better smell as well. "It's a little thin to me" said Crazy as we finished off a dark chocolate flavored stout that was a bit light in the loafers and was better at the start than the finish. "Well no wonder" said the groups world traveler Bim, "This shit is from Vermont, birthplace of the gloryhole". Despite that fact, we rated the beer a good and moved on to a Firestone Walker "Walkers Reserve Porter" (5.8%). These guys usually make some great beers, but this is not one of them. "Keep this crap in reserve" said Crazy as Wilder added, "If this is the reserve, I'd hate to taste the first batch of this swill, I ain't gonna lie, I don't like it". Not the worst beer we had ever tasted so we gave it a so-so and then watched as Fred produced the final beers of the night from the fridge. First was Surly Darkness 2009 (10.3%). This is one of those special one day a year beers that people flock to get and then resell on Ebay to whale hunters like us for crazy prices. This one poured like a glass of melted asphalt and appeared just as dark. Bim took a sip and immediately declared "I'm sporting wood". "This shit is awesome" said Crazy, not known for his love of the stouts. Dark, roasted and malty, this one had a very slight sour note to it that had Bim declaring, "this is like a big slimy load to the throat". Wilder added, "This fucking label is so cool I might tattoo that on my taint". This one was on the cusp of RFG until Fred said we should wait until after we had tasted the other two whales to give it a proper grade. The final verdict was really good as we simply loved this beer. Next up was 3 Floyd's Dark Lord 2010 (15.0%). This one is just as black as Darkness but with a slightly different taste profile. You can savor the slightly dark cherry flavoring that rides on the undercarriage of this dark beast. It is also much sweeter than Darkness and yet it hides the 15% abv very well with its almost doppelbockish body. This one is so ultra smooth, you feel like velvet is dancing on your tongue. The unanimous result was RFG, so we decided to end the night by finishing off our final whale, The Bruery Black Tuesday (19.5%). We got this bottle after Fred spent a furious night of outbidding some doucher who went by the handle of "Beerzilla" on Ebay, but we also got a second bottle as part of a trade with our newest craft beer bud, John from New Brew Thursday. We met him and his fellow bloggers at the Great American Beer Festival in Denver and he told us he would send us a bottle to sample. He came through for us big time and we are forever in his debt for such a remarkable trade. Make sure to check out their professional looking and informative blog whenever you want some real beer info. Black Tuesday poured as dark as any beer we have ever had, and as we all got a sample, we anxiously awaited the results of our first sip. "Holy Fucking shit!" said Fred after his first taste, "This is no shit outfuckingstanding". Nothing we have ever tasted is as smooth as this beer. One can hardly describe how easy it coats the tongue and how effortlessly it goes down (like the Kielbasa Queen taking in a sausage). "No way this is 19% alcohol" said Snake, "It's just too fucking good to be that high". Every flavor you can think of in an Imperial Stout is in this one including vanilla, toffee, chocolate, bourbon, coffee, all mixed together to create by far the greatest beer we have ever rated. RFG doesn't do this justice as it is amazingly drinkable for such a huge alcohol bomb. "The King of the Whales" said Wilder, as we all agreed, this is the best beer we have ever had. A great end to a great night, we adjourned for the evening, wondering if we had just tasted the best beer we would ever have, or if there were others out there that would make this one seem ordinary. In the legendary words of that amazing 80's power ballad group Asia, "Only time will tell".

Festivus......BC4M style

For some of our loyal readers, the holiday season doesn't mean Christmas cards, Santa Claus and getting up early to watch the kids play with that cardboard box that formerly housed that impossible to find (except for that douche bag extortionist on Craig's list who hoarded all of them back in July) 400 dollar toy that is probably being chewed on by the new puppy Poopzilla. Some of you are perhaps like our club pagan, Bim, who will still celebrate certain parts of Christmas but also like to partake in the made up holiday known to other druids as Festivus. To promote diversity and to accumulate "credit hours" for his Master's degree in "anger management amongst a multi-culturist society", Fred had a dinner party for both the Founding Fathers of the BC4M and their better halves. The menu called for a seasonal favorite, prime rib, to which Bim declared, "Thats a sacred deity to my Hindu brethren". "Don't you imperialistic Christians know that the cow symbolizes wealth, strength and abundance?". "Abundance and strength of what, smelly ass farts? asked our charming host Fred. "Seems to me, that country wouldn't be full of starving call center workers if they would just eat a few fucking Baconators" he continued. "Damn right, bacon makes anything taste good", chimed in Snake. "Even pussy?" asked Johnny Wilder, to which Snake somehow replied "Fuck yes" with a straight face. After dinner, we decided to try a few special beers to celebrate the evening. First up was Uinta Brewing's Cockeyed Cooper (11.10%), a barleywine that featured a label that boasted a cartoon depiction of the hilarious "Dude" at our favorite new blog, "It's a fucking beer". This beer was full of flavor and had a decent kick. Smooth without making you feel like you were drinking alcoholic cough syrup, it was a really good. Next was a new beer from 3 Floyd's, The Creeper (9.0%), a doppelbock style beer that true to 3 Floyd's form, didn't seem like a doppelbock at all. Celebrator is the standard for which the BC4M judges doppelbocks, and The Creeper seems more like a second cousin, but what a sweet ass bitch she is. Dark roasted malts combine with a hidden kick in the nads to create an amazing beer. Another really good was the result, so we finished the tasting for the night with a Goose Island Vanilla Bourbon County Stout (13.0%). We have raved about both the regular Bourbon County Stout as well as the Coffee version, (both receiving the RFG rating) and this one is even better. Smoother than the honeypot under the ass floss of a Belgian street walker, this was an incredible beer. The alcohol was just enough to give you a hint of bourbon and the finish left you with a taste of vanilla ice cream. Each and every member immediately said, "That's a fucking RFG". Done with tasting for the night, we pulled out the remainders of the truckload of beers that had been brought for the festivities. No one can recall how many beers were consumed, but sometime after midnight, a seriously inebriated Bim and stone cold sober Wilder got the idea that that various Christmas decorations that adorned the neighborhood yards needed to be "inspected". To commemorate the occasion, Fred decided to rewrite a few stanzas from the Christmas classic,

"Twas the night before Christmas"

Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the hood

The yard ornaments were trembling, for Santa Bim was sporting wood

With Johnny Wilder riding shotgun,
Foxy Flamingo brought camera and flash

This naughty trio set out for a sodomizing dash

First up was the Nutcracker, all rigid and straight

His poor rear got worked over, by a dirty Santa looking to mate

Then what to my disbelieving eyes should appear

But Wilder and Bim, humping two innocent reindeer

An inflatable Santa was brought to his knees

A lonely "For Sale" sign was covered in pee

And on that storied night, not a creature was missed

And as the sun arose, the neighbors were pissed

But we still laugh at the tale we recall so well

Even if Bim and Johnny are going straight to hell.......

Merry Christmas from the BC4M.......In the immortal words of our dear friend Ricky Bobby......"If you don't like Santa Claus, then FUCK YOU"........

Ho Ho Ho ...Bitches

Friday night in the CHC. Bim put on his Billy Bob Thornton Santa suit and called a Flamingo with the hopes of getting all the neighborhood juggies to go for a lap ride. The girls and boys arrived as Santa Bim declared them naughty or nice, and the party commenced. We started the night with an Avery Dugana (8.5%). This IPA has a cool picture of an Indian porn star (dot not feather) on the bottle, as confirmed by the groups pornologist, J. Wilder. He confirmed that the chick's name is Bopatragohain Chaganti, and she's known as the Cock Tease of Calcutta. The beer, while not extrordinary, was a solid good. Next up was Bim's attempt at Dogfish Head's Billy Budd (14%), a combination of Indiam Brown, Palo Santo Maron, and 120min IPA. Bim raved about this alcohol bomb that he sampled at Rehoboth, and his attempt at it's recreation was quite good. Following this sweet, syrupy beer, we cracked open one of the few new beers available at Total Wine, the Industrial IPA (7.9%) by Diamond Knot. It had a somewhat chalky taste, as if it was brewed at a industrial chalk factory, and rated only a so/so. Red Hook Eisbock 28 (11.8%) was marketed as a "ice processed winter warmer". Snake's idea of a winter warmer is dropping a Cleveland steamer in his pants while out on the frozen plains hunting caribou. We were a bit worried, but this beer was no Cleveland Steamer bean, in fact, it was smooth and sweet, and garnered a really good. Then back to Avery for their Old Jubilation Ale (8.3%). Prince Mike took a healthy swig, and immediately declared, "Ho Ho Whoa... this shit is weak." A very solid so/so. But we weren't finished yet. Prince, who'd recently returned from recent trip to Fuquay Varina, NC (pronounced Fucky Vagina) brought back two growlers of beer, a Hog Wild IPA (6.7%) and a Devil's Tramping Ground Tripel (9.2%), brewed by Aviator Brewing. Who are these guys? No one in the group could find this town on a map, but damn can they make beer. Despite the fact that the growlers were a week old, they were both quite good and rated so. It was about this time the the meeting descended into mayhem. We started drinking every previously reviewed beer we could find, and our Santa Bim went from Jolly Old Nick, to just another smelly old drunken child molesting Santa wannabe. Until next time, Merry Christmas Bitches!!!