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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The King of all Whales

With the holidays fast approaching, the BC4M gathered at Johnny Wilder's outlandishly decorated "Griswald World" (which by the way finished a distant second in the inaugural CHC neighborhood gaudiest Christmas yard decoration contest to D-Rail's Rudolph the Red-nosed Reinbug themed yard), (although technically D-Rail's "estate" is located nearby along the banks of water moccasin infested Cooper's Ditch) to celebrate the end of the "whale" hunt we had begun recently. Bim, Fred, Snake and Wilder were joined by "Santa" Crazy Ken who rolled up the driveway in his new "sleigh". "Holy Shit", said the BC4M's resident big game hunter, Snake, "That there is a lot of nice racks, and you boys know how much I like a nice rack". "Amen brother" replied the sweater puppy loving Fred. "Less talking and more drinking" shouted Bim as we opened up a growler of Outer Banks Brewing Station Monk's Fest (7.4%). This is a Belgian style dubbel that hails from our favorite seaside resort, the OBX. The brewery is more miss than hit with most of their offerings, but this was a decent start to the night. More malty than hoppy, it had a smooth crisp flavor that went down as easy as a freshly shucked oyster. A good was the grade as we moved on to an Alesmith Old Numbskull (11.0%). This is a barleywine style ale and it was like taking a punch to the nads. Syrupy with a lot of heat, it had a strong bite like a rabid Doberman Pinscher but the smell was simply awful. "This smells like the worn socks on the unwashed feet of a migrant cabbage picker who has been in the fields for 3 weeks" said Bim, but damn did it taste good. "That border hopper sure has some tasty fucking socks" said Snake as we all decided it rated a good. We then cracked into a Lost Abbey Inferno Ale (8.5%) which had a skunky smell like one of those mass marketed beers in the green bottles (yes we're talking about you Heineken). The flavor was very hefeweizeny and we all recoiled at the taste that was as dry as a seventy five year old hooker's meat drapes on the tongue. "That thing has enough carbonation to power a damn windmill" said Wilder as we choked down the remains of a so-so beer that at least had a sweet label. To prepare ourselves for the final three whales, we opened up a Otter Creek Imperial Series Russian Imperial Stout (10.6%). This one had even more head than the Inferno and had a much better smell as well. "It's a little thin to me" said Crazy as we finished off a dark chocolate flavored stout that was a bit light in the loafers and was better at the start than the finish. "Well no wonder" said the groups world traveler Bim, "This shit is from Vermont, birthplace of the gloryhole". Despite that fact, we rated the beer a good and moved on to a Firestone Walker "Walkers Reserve Porter" (5.8%). These guys usually make some great beers, but this is not one of them. "Keep this crap in reserve" said Crazy as Wilder added, "If this is the reserve, I'd hate to taste the first batch of this swill, I ain't gonna lie, I don't like it". Not the worst beer we had ever tasted so we gave it a so-so and then watched as Fred produced the final beers of the night from the fridge. First was Surly Darkness 2009 (10.3%). This is one of those special one day a year beers that people flock to get and then resell on Ebay to whale hunters like us for crazy prices. This one poured like a glass of melted asphalt and appeared just as dark. Bim took a sip and immediately declared "I'm sporting wood". "This shit is awesome" said Crazy, not known for his love of the stouts. Dark, roasted and malty, this one had a very slight sour note to it that had Bim declaring, "this is like a big slimy load to the throat". Wilder added, "This fucking label is so cool I might tattoo that on my taint". This one was on the cusp of RFG until Fred said we should wait until after we had tasted the other two whales to give it a proper grade. The final verdict was really good as we simply loved this beer. Next up was 3 Floyd's Dark Lord 2010 (15.0%). This one is just as black as Darkness but with a slightly different taste profile. You can savor the slightly dark cherry flavoring that rides on the undercarriage of this dark beast. It is also much sweeter than Darkness and yet it hides the 15% abv very well with its almost doppelbockish body. This one is so ultra smooth, you feel like velvet is dancing on your tongue. The unanimous result was RFG, so we decided to end the night by finishing off our final whale, The Bruery Black Tuesday (19.5%). We got this bottle after Fred spent a furious night of outbidding some doucher who went by the handle of "Beerzilla" on Ebay, but we also got a second bottle as part of a trade with our newest craft beer bud, John from New Brew Thursday. We met him and his fellow bloggers at the Great American Beer Festival in Denver and he told us he would send us a bottle to sample. He came through for us big time and we are forever in his debt for such a remarkable trade. Make sure to check out their professional looking and informative blog whenever you want some real beer info. Black Tuesday poured as dark as any beer we have ever had, and as we all got a sample, we anxiously awaited the results of our first sip. "Holy Fucking shit!" said Fred after his first taste, "This is no shit outfuckingstanding". Nothing we have ever tasted is as smooth as this beer. One can hardly describe how easy it coats the tongue and how effortlessly it goes down (like the Kielbasa Queen taking in a sausage). "No way this is 19% alcohol" said Snake, "It's just too fucking good to be that high". Every flavor you can think of in an Imperial Stout is in this one including vanilla, toffee, chocolate, bourbon, coffee, all mixed together to create by far the greatest beer we have ever rated. RFG doesn't do this justice as it is amazingly drinkable for such a huge alcohol bomb. "The King of the Whales" said Wilder, as we all agreed, this is the best beer we have ever had. A great end to a great night, we adjourned for the evening, wondering if we had just tasted the best beer we would ever have, or if there were others out there that would make this one seem ordinary. In the legendary words of that amazing 80's power ballad group Asia, "Only time will tell".