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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Spelunker's Guide to CHC Brewing



Recently, our resident brewmaster, Bim, allowed one of his closest confidantes, a bohemian, skirt chasing spelunker "or chocolate starfish invader" named "Jason" a chance to taste and rate one of our GGBF (Great Guatemalan Beer Festival) winning home brews, the sultry and delicious Pole-smoker Porter......As usual, madness then ensues..


"Jason" said...What follows is a rating of a beer provided to me by Beerclub member Bim. This is one of his vaunted home brews. I've heard that brewers like to use something about themselves in choosing the name of their beers. Bim chose Polesmoker. How appropriate. As I crack open the label-deprived bottle, the first thing to hit me is the aroma. The sweet, slightly hoppy smell caresses my olfactory sense with a promise of good things to come. It never delivers. The first sip conjured up an image of someone ringing a dirty dish rag out in my mouth. You know, one that had been balled up in the sink and never quite dried out. The second was how I would imagine it would taste dumping a jar of old pennies in my mouth that had been collected from a wet alleyway in Detroit. The third sip would be akin to licking the taint of an Indian (dot not feather) curry salesman in August in Calcutta. Each sip successively worse, to the point where I am unable to prucure further vomit inducing imagery. Here lies the problem: I am quite familiar with your own rating system, but I believe it to be lacking when it comes to this particular beer. You see, RFG is the pinnacle. It aptly proclaims "This beer is Really Fucking Good" with boldness. On the opposite end is "Sucks." Whereas it tells the audience that the beer is obviously terrible, it lacks the panache of the RFG. Just as Superman needs his Lex Luthor, RFG needs it's polar opposite, it's antithesis, it's biblical "east from west" analogy. Therefore necessity rightly brings the RFB, the Really Fucking Bad. Polesmoker has found it's home.



Beer Club 4 Men's reply?..



Thank you “Jason” (if that is your real name) for your unsolicited, yet insightful review. We at the CHC Brewery strive to bring you the finest craft beers. Like our idol, Sam Calagione from Dogfish Head, we travel the globe to find the most unique and flavorful beer ingredients. We are amazed that your distinguished palate was able to correctly name each of these specialty additives. Snake spent 4 long summer months in Calcutta, every day carefully collecting the taint juice of our sweaty curry salesman Samir Banglev. And the dishrag you identified, while very close, was actually an old, wet towel used to clean the urinal splatter in the men’s room of an I-95 rest area. But your best identification came with the pennies. Bim Jr collected pennies for a year, which we then scattered in a Norfolk alley letting them marinate in bum urine and the elements for 12 months before being collected and added to our beer during secondary fermentation. Your ability to discern the subtle taste of decaying copper is truly a gift. We submitted our Polesmoker Porter to Beer Advocate for tasting, but their review was only three words: “Tastes like shit”. You sir, not only have a gifted palate but are also quite the wordsmith. Our hats off to you Jason.

BC4M Founding Father Bim

23 comments:

Jason said...

Fantastic. Expect another review next week. Bim has gifted me with a bottle of "I'm not sure exacttly what this is."

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