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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Thursday, March 3, 2011

And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson

As a young boy growing up in the greater Cincinnati area, Bim feasted on a steady diet of Schoenling's Little Kings beer, endless bowls of Skyline chili, and perhaps more astonishingly, he developed a lifelong addiction to breastfeeding from the bosoms of women who would one day be known affectionately as "cougars". His compulsion grew as he went through the late seventies as a teenager with tasting sessions on a variety of older women, many of whom gladly let Bim suckle on them in exchange for doing chores around the house. This somewhat devious habit (to most normal folks) culminated on his 18th birthday when the buxom mother of one of his high school gymnastics teammates seduced him on a star filled April evening with a mixture of vodka tonics and pot brownies. As Bim grew into manhood, he took that addiction one step further and became know throughout all of southern Ohio as the "Gilf Hunter", the pimp master of aged poonanny. Taking his "schtick" on the road, he spent his early 20's traveling across America as a young intern performing free pap smears inside his mobile examining room, the "Meat Locker". His velvety touch along with the peyote enriched incense that permeated the back seat had Bim laying wood to every granny and granny-to-be that showed up, racking up racks like a modern day Hugh Hefner. The BC4M might not ever have happened and Bim would have been someone we only read about in the pages of Penthouse Forum had it not been for the young undercover deputy sheriff that busted Bim attempting to use his "tripod" on her during the exam. She promptly turned the tables and putting her EMT training to use, gave Bim a prostate exam with her nightstick causing him to fall head over heels in love. They were married 6 hours later and have been together ever since. This past week, Bim got the sad news that the woman responsible for putting him on his debaucherous journey had passed away while in bed performing a maneuver known as the "piledriver". Her advanced osteoperosis led to her back being folded up and smashed like a used car at the junkyard yet she died with a smile on her face according to the lothario that had persuaded her into trying that advanced technique. For our weekly BC4M meeting, we gathered at Fred's to honor Bim's "educator" in the ways of love, "Pussy Galore" who it seemed, had'nt aged very well. We decided the theme of the night was for each of the attendees to pick a beer from a state where Bim had committed some sort of carnal infraction. First up was a bottle from North Carolina, an Olde Hickory Death By Hops (7.0%). This is double IPA that Fred and Wilder picked up recently on Sexual Chocolate Day, and it was a fantastic start to the night. Bim told us of how he narrowly evaded arrest after performing a "carolina brown baggin" on one of his patients without her consent. As we howled with laughter, we tasted a beer with the unique aroma of a Pliny the Elder, but just a tad below in flavor. Excellent for sure, this is a superb beer that rated a really good. Next was a beer from Michigan, as Bim retold the story of how he performed a "michigan geyser" on a comely newlywed that was having marital troubles and needed the "magic touch" that Bim was notorious for. The beer was a Founder's Imperial Stout (10.5%). Sweet at first sip, this dark elixir was smooth up until the finish where it ended up tasting like a glass of liquid bakers chocolate. The taste was still quite good and although we couldn't pound a case of these, it too rated a really good. Next up was a Brooklyn Brewery Local #2 (9.0%), to honor the homeless streetwalker with the tuna taco that tried to spend the night only to wake up with Bim giving her a "brooklyn brown eye". This Belgian style strong ale is easy drinking and has a nice caramel flavor that makes it stand out against the mediocre lineup that Brooklyn normally brews. It is 100% bottle fermented and the nine percent alcohol is hidden well. This one rated a solid good, so we continued with a Mission Brewery Shipwrecked Double IPA (9.25%). After his debacle in Michigan, Bim had sought refuge on an avocado farm east of San Diego where when he wasn't harvesting crops and binging on "medicinal" mushrooms, he was performing on stage as a member of a coed wrestling troupe known as "Belligerent Midgets" across the border in Tijuana. During one of his shows, he accidently let loose a "california cropduster" on his tiny costar, Wanda Rideyou which caused the minisculed brunette to punch Bim's testes so hard that one of them cracked like a cheap vase. After receiving treatment for "fractured nad" syndrome, our beloved hero made his way north to the serene shores of Malibu. His ball sack healed after several rounds of plastic surgery, our wayward hero was back in business looking for fresh cougar pelts for his dashboard. As always, luck was on his side one evening after a night of beach side karaoke, as he met a busty 55 year old divorcee that couldn't take her eyes and hands off him as he serenaded the crowd with his smooth rendition of the hit "Please Dont Go". After a night spent in her palatial retreat overlooking the Pacific Ocean where she performed acts on Bim that are illegal in 33 states, he narrowly made his escape after launching a "malibu tee-time" on the unsuspecting queen of kink. We opened a Firestone Walker Double Jack (9.5%) to celebrate his feat, and although we had rated this before, we wanted to give it another chance since it was so good. This double IPA is about as close to Pliny as we have ever had, as it has amazing citrus and piney aromas and a crisp finish that puts you in hop heaven. Everyone agreed, this is indeed an RFG, and we look forward to drinking this again and again. Next was a 2011 Foothills Brewing Sexual Chocolate (9.75%). This one was opened after hearing the story of Bim and a 39 yr old Waffle House waitress that he gave the "charlotte pipeline" to in the ladies room after eating a platter full of chili covered hash browns. This beer needs some time to age as it still a little rough around the edges for an Imperial Stout. Its quite good with rich chocolate flavors mixed with a sweet alcohol buzz. It rated a really good, and D-Rail added that "this might be an RFG in a year or so". The final beer of the night was a De Struise Browers Black Albert (13.0%), another imperial stout. After graduating from college, Bim had decided to trek through Europe via train and had barely made it past the French border when he had met up with three Norwegian sisters that giggled at his American accent and swooned over his pornstache and chest hair. Several hours and several bottles of cheap Chinese Vodka later, Bim had convinced the sisters to perform a "danish windmill" on him, much to the chagrin to the rest of the dining car patrons. He hopped off at the next stop before he could be charged with crimes against humanity and made his way back stateside before Interpol could catch up with him. After we had laughed ourselves hoarse we tasted a truly remarkable beer that somehow tastes like a stout but with a Belgian twist. Not as thick and viscous as an American imperial stout, it was full of robust flavors without feeling like you were drinking a glass of tootsie rolls. "This shit is fucking great" said Wilder, as D-Rail declared, "this should be an RFG". We looked around and each member agreed, we had another entrant onto the RFG list. This is a superb beer and a must taste for all beer geeks. We had come to the end of Bim's tales, two new RFG's added to the list, our minds full of visions of devious behavior from around the globe. We toasted one last time to Bim's dear old friend.....a classy lady that brought style and substance to those around her....Mrs Robinson....

7 comments:

Beer Club 4 Men said...

I wholeheartedly object to everything in this post. It is full of exagerations. For instance, the picture of me with the pornstache is actually Ron Jeremy. And although not mentioned, I, not Ron Jeremy, am the guy who coined the phrase "It's not gonna suck itself!" Ron Jeremy was my protege during the 70's. Pretty much everything else is true.
Bim

Jason said...

Bim is the gay Ron Jeremy. Cincinnati gay for sure.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Cincinnati%20Gay

Jason said...

How cute that you've just now discovered urbandictionary. Welcome to the internet. Just remember Rule 34 and you'll always be happy.

Anonymous said...

Omg u guys r a hot mess! Lol

krazyitalianirish said...

My gawd Bim, I'm not sure whether to feel compassion for your wife or congratulate her for landing such a 'seasoned' sheik?! Total debauchery has obviously been enjoyed by the BC4M. Keep it up while you can (pun intended). And to show your softer side...when you're let out of your cages, at least warn the larger ladies D-Rail will most likely attempt to beguile them into some type of absurd scooter act.

XO

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