An evening with Beavis and Butthead

The privileged few that are honored enough to be called members of the BC4M represent the very elite of Virginia society. Within our ranks we have a world renowned big game hunter, a "professional services director", a karaoke champion, a cruise ship skipper, a constable, a luge specialist, an animal rights activist, a security specialist and a member of Mensa. In an effort to expand our ranks and spread the gospel according to the BC4M, we recently invited a pair of fellow sophisticates over for an evening of gentlemanly banter and beer tasting. Even though we had heard the horror stories of how they had corrupted young Gabe from our favorite local beer store, Grape and Gourmet during one of his monthly "slumber parties", we took a chance and invited them over anyway. Both guys are transplants to an area most craft beer lovers like to refer to as the "Beermuda Triangle" due to the shallowness of the local beer culture. Chicago Mike was recently forced to resign from his position as a troubled teen camp leader after it was discovered he was selling "gently" used copies of Juggs magazine to the horny lads that populated his summer camps. A revered home brewer known throughout the Midwest, he made his way to Va. Beach with an idea to start a craft brew revolution that would rival the great beer meccas of America. He had found his partner in crime when he stumbled across the shaggy haired brewmaster at local upstart Beach Brewing. Jean-Pierre LaDouche had also recently made the Beach his hometown after a stellar career as the tasting room supervisor at Iron City Beer. Working his way up from spent grain sweeper his career path to head brewer appeared to be unstoppable until a "drunken video" was spotted on the internet which had ended his career and caused him to go on a 3 week bender that saw him wake up in Key West in the middle of Fantasy fest. After a raucous day trip to the state capital performing beer enemas with the unsuspecting owner of Legend Brewing the boys arrived looking as excited as a pair of escaped convicts at a Liberace concert. Having appeared to not eaten all day, they hungrily scarfed down 3 pounds of beefstick and a cauldron of cheese dip like a pair of rabid donkeys. We got down to business with a Pliny the Elder that Chicago had brought with him and of course, it was simply amazing. He firmly believes there are "10 IPA's better than Pliny" but we still haven't tasted any so until we do, this one is the fucking king. We moved on to a growler of Duck Rabbit Baltic Porter (9.0%) that Mike had scored on a recent excursion to the brewery. Dark, with a good nose and malty without any hop profile at all, this one was still a solid good and was the best beer from these guys we have tried. Next was a gift for Tank as he had recently turned 51 and we decide we would crack open a special beer to honor him. Deschutes Jubel 2010 (10%) is brewed once a DECADE or as Bim said, "it says its brewed every ten years". Smooth as silk, with a thick body like the bootyliscious backside of Beyonce, it was ultra rich and tasty. "That's damn good" said Crazy, as Snake declared, "That shit was worth the wait". A really good, we then poured another gift from Chicago, a Schloss Eggenburg Samichlaus 2006 (14%). We have tried a few of their beers before and frankly thought they should give up beer and maybe go into gay German porn, but this was truly an amazing beer. The years have allowed the alcohol to mellow, and this "malt liquor" was in the words of Jean-Pierre "like a bottle of alcoholic syrup, but still freakin good". Snake asked, "when is that fucking bull gonna charge through the wall, I need one to mount over my mantle." "Hey man, don't be moving in on my territory said the always on the lookout for cuddlies to play with Bim. Another really good, we then tried a collaboration beer from Mikkeller and DeStruise "Elliot Brew" (9.0%). Normally both of these guys make some fucking awesome beers, but this one was simply awful. Bim said, "its a palate destroyer" while Chicago Mike added, "its like a loofa for your tongue, scrubs the fuck out of it and not in a good way". So-so was the grade as we were very disappointed in this one and moved on to a Losch-Zwerg Radler (2.7%). This is a beer sorta like an English shandy that is known in Germany for causing men to grow tits and sprout manginas. Fred said, "I have had slurpees with more ass than this nonsense", as Bim added, "I could pass a urinalysis with ease after gulping a case of these bitches". "Is this a Diet Sprite?" asked Crazy Ken, as we all agreed that despite the pussification of this "beer" it wasn't that bad so it rated a good. Next up was a Lost Abbey Angel's Share (12.5%), a bourbon barrel aged bottle of pure delight that caused Tank to say "Awww man, thats soooooooooo smooooth". Wilder said, "like the hot ditch with some color, but packing some heat in this mofo". It has a sweet bourbony smell and the taste is decadent with a huge smack in the chops of alcohol that still won't overwhelm you. A really good was the score, so we then opened a Three Floyd's Dark Lord 2009 (15%). We had RFG'd the 2010 version so we were hopeful that we had come upon another but it fell just short of joining its more amazing brother. The taste was smooth but was a tad bit watery according to Fred, and the vote was split, 2 RFG's and 2 really goods, so we had to abide by the covenants and bylaws of the club and gave it a really good. Only three beers remained, so we opened a pair of cans of 21st Amendment Monk's Blood (8.3%). Supposedly brewed with figs (what the fuck?), it got mixed reviews from the crowd. Tank who was by then just a little drunk, smiled and said "man, what a great wednesday" when we asked him his opinion of the beer. "Tastes like paint mixed with tequila" according to Snake, while Jean-Pierre (who was also smashed by now) decided in a voice that would rival a carnival barker's that it "was like a pubic hair from a smurf I was eating" whatever the fuck that means. So-so was the result, so we pried the top off a Olde Hickory Black Raven IPA (7.0%). Unlike their phenomenal Death by Hops, this one is like drinking the rainwater that runs down your freshly asphalted driveway that they jackwads coated with Roundup. No hop flavors and zero malt caused us all to wonder why it was even bottled. Sucks was the result so we hoped for the best as we pulled out the final beer of the night, a Hoppin Frog D.O.R.I.S. the Destroyer (10.5%). We love their beer but hate their gay Kermit the frog label, I mean what the fuck is that bullshit about?. This one is supposed to be even better than both the BORIS the Crusher and Barrel Aged BORIS that we have been blown away by. A double Russian imperial stout, we were shocked that it didn't live up to the hype as it needs a ton of time to age. "Like an 18 year old stripper with fake tits she just bought, she needs to learn how to use them" said Bim as we agreed that this one would probably be upgraded after a year or so of aging. As we finished our beers, we decided to call it a night and looked forward to another round of drinking with those two hooligans, We watched as they piled into Chicago Mikes pimped out chopper and headed out to who the fuck knows where. Cheers to a great night of drinking with some cool cats..............until next time remember, when you see these two misfits..........get the fuck out of the way..........