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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Officer Mr. T's Sunset Serenade

To summon a BC4M meeting, we generally receive a text from our disgraced scout leader Bim. He will send out an invite to all hands and suggest a location or perhaps ask if someone is interested in hosting. This week brought a new host to the group as Officer Mr. T declared that his well stocked armory would serve as our meeting place. Officer Mr.T or (OMT) as no one actually calls him, had his "Leave it to Beaver" style mansion all to his lonesome for the week. His bride was out of town singing backup vocals with her favorite band Journey for their Summer 2010 "Spandex and Aquanet" tour, so he made a command decision to host. Since he normally teaches his advanced satin macrame class or progressive fundamentals of Egyptian kung-fu at the local senior center on Thursday nights, we moved the session to Wednesday. The host sets the time for the meeting, and since OMT had to be up early for a sunrise hot lava rock yoga session we started the meeting at 630 pm. An all-star cast showed up, as 8 members of the BC4M and one of OMT's oldest friends assembled around his 250 year old Scandinavian coastal spruce dining room table to try a new set of beers. This marked the largest turn out ever for a meeting, but perhaps this was also because OMT is an accomplished sous chef. Snake had recently returned from an African safari where he had slain a half dozen Madagascan bush pigs. Known for their succulent meat throughout sub-equatorial Africa, Snake had brought back a freezer full of pork shoulders for us to make into barbecue. OMT did his best Iron Chef Nakamura impersonation as he whipped up a platter of pulled chipotle infused pork with a side of roasted red potatoes with a mango chutney demi-glace, along with Peruvian white asparagus. "Damn, this shit is tasty" proclaimed Bim, as we began to open our newest beers. Before we got our first beer open OMT declared that he would be in charge of the tunes for the night as he had been displeased by the docile, granola infused offerings from Bim's Ipod from a previous meeting. Let me tell you, its a damn good thing OMT is married, cause there ain't nothing more alarming than having a group of grown men listening to Anne Murray and Celine Dion and the fucking BackStreet Boys emanating from a sound system. Unless your under 14, over 65 or used to having a meat pole stuffed in all your appendages, this sure as fuck isn't music for drinking beer too. As Fred mentioned, "Its like OMT downloaded his Ipod tunes from a Broadway musical turd burglar." First up was Rivertown Brewing Co. Hop Bomber Pale Ale (?%). A decent beer, it had an almost IPA like flavor even though the bottle claimed it to be sporting over 60 IBUs. So-so to good was declared and we moved on to a Hudy Delight Light Beer (3.9%). It should be considered a felony to even consider this swill to be beer. In fact, Fred said, "I bet there is more alcohol in my morning piss than in this twaddle". The label featured two queer stags rutting on each other and proclaimed to be proudly brewed since 1885. This was a cidery, watery version of what Snake called "ass monkey" beer, and so it rated a sucks. Bluegrass Brewing Co. American Pale Ale (6.0%) was cracked next, and it featured a cock-eyed label, obviously placed on the bottle by one of the inebriated chimpanzees on the bottling line. This was in the words of Crazy Ken, "about as hoppy as a pile of freshly cut zoysia grass" so it only rated a so-so. OMT provided us the next three beers, all from Peter Straub Brewing. Special Dark (4.1%) had a weird malt flavor that left us gasping for water to cleanse our tongues so it got a sucks rating, Premium (4.1%) was so light, we could, according to Prince Mike "guzzle this shit by the case" and it got a so-so. The final Straub beer, Straub Light (3.2%) was another watery mess of nothingness. The bottles all stated "honestly fresh" which Fred said should instead read "honestly mediocre". A new beer from Wisconsin, Horny Goat Hopped Up N' Horny American Pale Ale (5.3%) was offered next. This one has another label with two confused animals on it, this time, two metrosexual billygoats flexing their cloven hooves as if to say "hellllllllllooooooooo dahhhhhhlings". This is an embarrassment to brewers worldwide as this is so piss poor, Bim declared, "only drink this if your dying". If we could come up with a category worse than sucks, this would be the poster child for it as this is simply putrid. Amazed that someone could actually have the nads to bottle this filth, we moved on to a North Coast Old Stock Ale (11.7%). Tasting like a bowl of grape Nehi mixed with some of the liquid known to street gangs as "tussin", this reminded Crazy Ken of his favorite crunktastic roadie, Dragon Joose. Bim remarked, "is that a brewers loogie in the bottom?", so we all quickly lost our appetite for another shot of this so-so concoction. Next was Lexington Brewing's Kentucky Ale (5.34%). This is the official beer of the Alltech World Equestrian Games (whatever the fuck that is). Prince Mike said he had seen the 2009 games, as brought to life on ESPN 8 "The Ocho" and had been captivated by them one sleepless night while channel surfing. "I'm telling you boys, you ain't lived till you seen a Clydesdale fart his ABC's while wearing sunglasses and yellow galoshes." As we rolled in laughter, we tasted what turned out to be a not to shabby beer. This one would be perfect for a crisp fall evening as it is light and refreshing without making you feel like you just ate a barrel full of oats. Next was Abita Jockamo IPA (6.5%) which had a picture on the bottle that looked like that socialist maniac Hugo Chavez dressed as an Indian (feather not dot). The BC4M is about as politically correct as Andrew Dice Clay, but even we wondered how an India Pale Ale (India as in "would you like a slushie") could use American Injuns on the cover. From what we can tell, Sitting Bull and Pocahontas weren't making craft beer for the jolly old Brits in India back in the day. During a mid session debate on the pros and cons of colonial imperialism, Fred added, "just nuke the bastards and be done with it". We then tried a Founders Backwoods Bastard (10.2%). This was one shit kicker of a beer. Featuring a label that was either a stunning rendition of Popcorn Sutton or Gandolf the Grey from LOTR, we found ourselves immersed in a ale age in oak barrels that packed quite a wallop. This beer smacked you in the mouth like the feeling you got when that hot ass bosomy blond you saw for the first time came up and gave you a sexy "hey boy" greeting. This had a sweet bourbony taste without being too strong and it got a very good, almost to the point of RFG. Moving on, we opened a Green Flash Brewing Co. Imperial IPA (9.4%). Another of the west coast style IPAs that we have grown fond of recently, this one boasted an amazing 101 IBU's and was super hoppy. Tasty, but not as smooth as the creme de la creme of IPA's (of course I am referring to Pliny) it still rated a good. The next two beers were gifts from Fred's marathon running coworker Ricardo Rubenstein. Ricardo, or Ruby as he is affectionately known, is a champion marathoner who has won multiple races up and down the east coast. He had recently visited New England to race in the 14th annual Vermonster mud run, a 15 mile sprint through an obstacle course that featured a crossing over some class 6 river rapids, a 3500 foot sprint through a crack house lined ghetto and a finish that traversed 3 miles of pothole infested Burlington city streets. After winning the race by a photo finish, Ruby had stopped by a nearby brew pub for a 12 pack to bring back to the lads in the BC4M. Cottrell Brewing Co Mystic Bridge IPA (5.9%) was decent but didn't have the strong hoppy finish we come to expect from IPA's. Bim said, "looks like they missed the damn bridge" so it got a so-so. Next was Cottrell Brewing Co. Old Yankee Ale (5.0%). This one featured a picture of Popcorn riding in his jonboat, probably out noodling for channel cats. This one was also decent, so it rated a so-so to good. Out of the cooler next was a Lancaster Brewing Co. Milk Stout (5.3%). As Bim poured us a round of this beer brewed with lactose, we heard another of OMT's classic man-love ballads, Styx's 1970's AM radio staple "Babe". J. Wilder exclaimed, "somebody is gonna be getting some ass tonight!", while Fred chimed in, "Just when I thought this night couldn't get any gayer, you had to go and play this shit". The beer was decent, but it had a subtle "charred" flavor that reminded some of us of a bourbon barrel beer. We then went to a Yards Brewing General Washington Tavern Porter (7.0%). This one was so smooth, and easy drinking, we forgot that it was a porter. Definitely get your mitts on a few of these as it is quite tasty and garnered a good. Up next was a bomber from Alesmith, Decadence Anniversary Ale (11.0%). This one was amazing and Crazy Ken said, "This is like a punch to the throat, but damn this is good". This one was smooth and flavorful with a strong kick and it was rated a very good. Allagash Brewing Black Belgian Style Stout (7.5%) was opened next. The bottle was corked and as Fred slowly pried the top off, it shot towards the roof with the force of an Apollo rocket. The cork narrowly missed destroying the 18th century antique ceiling fan that Officer Mr. T had painstakingly restored while on a ghost hunting trip to Romania during his Miami Vice fashion phase. Thankful that no damage was done, we were rewarded with a solid stout that while thinner than normal still had a good flavor. The final beer of the night, Firestone Walker Parabola Barrel Aged Imperial Stout (13.0%) was then poured. Darker than a stormy winter night, this was one excellent beer. Subtle chocolate, vanilla, and toffee notes were followed with a smooth bourbon finish. "Amazing" said Bim, while even Wilder (noted for his lack of appeal for bourbon barrel beers) exclaimed, "that shit is fucking awesome". We looked around and decided, we had indeed tasted an RFG. Crazy Ken, looked at us and said, "RFG my ass!, this is nothing more than a so-so." We ignored his ramblings and added another stellar member to the pantheon of elite beers. We ended the meeting and as we headed for the door, we were serenaded with the sacchariny sounds of perhaps the worst song of the 1980's Chicago's "You're the Inspiration". We ran out of the house before we all had to hurl due to exposing our tender eardrums to such god-awful "music", but maybe OMT was simply outsmarting us by forcing us to leave so he could go put his argyle pj's on and catch the latest offerings on Skinemax. A great night, great food and great laughs, but damn that music has got to go brother.........Until next time, we leave you with another soft rock classic, a tribute to any evening you get with the BC4m....."Even the Nights are Better"


Anonymous said...

That's some funny shit! Quite possibly the funniest post yet!

RUBY said...

An honor to a vignette in any of your novellas. On my jaunts about the U.S. logging some miles, I'll endeavor to bring back a brew for the team. Excellent post, and just because I got a mention.