BC4M's "Name the new guy contest"

As many of you loyal readers know, we recently initiated the newest member into our exclusive club. It all started a while back on a random Saturday when Fred and Bim went to check out a new local brewery and happened to walk in on a zymurgy (meaning, Hey look at me I am a super awesome homebrewer) lecture being given by a guy that looked like he was a roadie for some death metal band. After listening to him expound on the beauty and depth of Italian saisons, we actually were relieved to find out he wasn't some Ghent hipster douche bag and actually did know something about beers when he began to rave about BC4M favorites Surly Darkness and 3 Floyd's Dark Lord. We found out he was newly transplanted to our area from Chicago and was looking for places with great beer. We handed him one of our cards and suggested he attend a meeting at some point. A few weeks later, Fred ran into him again, this time at BC4M's favorite bottle shop, Grape and Gourmet. "Chicago Mike" as we christened him, would soon become a regular  at our meetings, always bringing bottles of beer with him. It was an easy decision to welcome him as a fully fledged member, the only problem was, his boring ass nickname which we decided simply had to go. According to his better half, he has had multiple nicknames while growing up. It seems it all started back in the fall of 1986, when a teenage Michael was rapidly ascending the ranks of Eagle Scout by offering free "breast exams" to any and all takers. In fact, he earned his first nickname, "Canteen Boy" after his scoutmaster sought to give Mike his own type of "exam". Shaken by the turn of events, it caused our beloved scout to dive face first into a binge eating depression that caused him to swell up in size and become "Stay-Puff" to his classmates. After a humiliating loss in "Dance Dance Revolution" at the local Chuck-E-Cheese followed by the excruciating pain of a double hernia surgery caused by a drunken "skateboarding accident", he had an epiphany. He decided to become a new man by creating a new fitness routine called "P-89X". Like clockwork, every hour for months on end he would bang out another set and before long he was a back to his fighting weight. Needing some quick money, he decided to use his dancing talents at the local "club" and quickly became a crowd favorite by the name of "Magic Mike". He quickly became the most in demand of the dancers and was destined to make his way to perhaps New York or even stripper hot spot San Francisco. Fate however, intervened one night when his childhood sweetheart Xena the Hop Princess happened to be at a bachelorette party at the club (her 4th that week) and managed to rescue him from the clutches of a tequila and chili dog fueled "patron" who had paid $107.36 for an anything goes all nighter in the "champagne room". A mere 3 hours later, Mike and Xena were married at a nearby bed and breakfast, and have never looked back. They later relocated to the home of the BC4M where after a short stint as "assistant to the regional head brewer", Mike and his "business not life" partner Jean-Pierre LaDouche have begun scouting locations for their newest venture, a brewpub/bottle shop. As you can tell, our newest member has had a story filled existence and the simple moniker of "Chicago Mike" seems a bit underwhelming. We welcome any and all suggestions, the raunchier the better. The winning entry will receive a BC4M pint glass and taster glass or if you prefer, a lapdance from Mike himself. So put your thinking caps on and lets get cracking. Submit your entries to either:

email:
beerclubformen@cox.net

On Twitter:
@beerclub4men or @bc4mbim

Chick Fellatio

Last week was particularly hard for Bim. First came the news that the owner of Chik Fil-A doesn't believe in chicken loving. They have always been very clear in their advertising that cow fucking is cool, but this goes too far. It's apparently okay to raise chickens in small cages, cut their heads off and eat them, but don't you dare make sweet animal love to them! "That's it" said Bim at our last meeting, "I ain't eating there ever again". And to make his point, he began examining the most personal and irrelevant thoughts and ideas of all the beer merchants that the BC4M frequents. Let's start with Grape and Gourmet, our primary beer source. Turns out that the owner thinks he was once probed by space aliens and he now refuses to serve aliens in his store. That's bullshit! First you don't serve the aliens, the next thing they won't serve your sweet old grandma. Not shopping there anymore. Total Wine's owners refuse to use religious affiliation when they hire, meaning they love Satan worshipers...so long Total Wine. Chip's Beer and Wine believe that hipster's are actually modern day prophets. That's just soooo offensive that we cannot support them ever again. Let's Talk Wine? Should rename the place Let's Talk Crazy. The owner believes that surfing is a real sport. Whoa! I think somebody's been hitting the ganja pipe! YNOT Pizza??? They get cat carcasses from a Chinese restaurant and make them into appetizers. Everyone knows that cat meat can only be used in lo mein! And lastly, there's the Lynnhaven Pub. These butt munchers think Ron Jeremy is a viable candidate for president... LUDICROUS! He's a VP at best. So, dear readers, we now have a serious problem. Because of our own bizarre, perverted and rigid belief system, we no longer can find beer locally. Please send us your beer. Unless, of course, you have any weirdo beliefs that we don't agree with. Ok, off the soapbox and onto the beer tasting! We held a rare Sunday tasting at Bim's. The idea was to spend a few hours tasting a dozen or so beers. 6 hrs and 29 beers later, we adjourned. The list is long, so to keep it short, the following beers sucked: Cigar City Cucumber Saison (6%) (this shit is embarrassingly bad. Think Hell or High Watermelon Wheat), Troeg's Scratch 50 (7%), Rogue Old Crustacean Barleywine 2008 (11.5%). The following were so/so: Fort Collins Dopple Bock (10%), Browuery De Graal De Graal Triverius (6.6%), Mikkeller I Beat You (9.75%), Ft. Collins The Incredible Hop (9.5%). Tenaya Creek Red Ryder Ale (6.2%), Mons Abbey Witte (5.0%), Jailhouse Brewing Repreive (6.0%), Jailhouse Brewing Mugshot IPA (6.7%). The following beers were Good: Jailhouse Brewing Hardtime Barleywine (10.5%), Jailhouse Brewing Prison Camp Pils (5.5%), Jailhouse Brewing Slammer Wheat (5.0%), Tenaya Creek Calico Brown Ale (5.6%), Tenaya Creek Hop Ride IPA (7.2%), Schmaltz / Terrapin Reunion Ale 12 (8%), Terrapin / Schmaltz Reunion Ale 12 (8%)  ( this version is definitely better than the first), Hoppin Frog Hop Heathen (8.8%), Brouwery De Molen Zomerhop (6.2%), Triple Digit Brewing Aftermath (10.5%), Great Divide Wolfgang (8.0%), Elysian Idiot Sauvin IPA (6.3%), Troeg's Scratch-60 (5.1%). And finally, the remainder were Really Good: Black Diamond Rampage IPA (9.0%), Black Diamond Brandy Barrel Aged Grand Cru (9.0%), Hoppin Frog Sweet Evil (8.8%), Hoppin Frog Goose Juice (7.0%), and Tenaya Creek Imperial Stout (9.3%). Damn! That's a shitload of beer! Some damn fine beers in the bunch, yet not a single RFG in the group. Until next time, enjoy this video of our very own Snake Plisken, enjoying a day at the beach.

The Most Interesting Gabe in the World

Recently, BC4M's newest initiated member, Chicago Mike (Ace of the dynamic duo of Ace and Gary) offered to play host to the first ever official meeting held outside of the neighborhood. He had promised us a huge surprise when we showed up, which caused Bim to start frothing at the mouth since he thought that Mike's two lovable St Bernard's named Aikman and Emmitt would enjoy a "ride" from him. Bim, had a smile as big as one of those pole smoking falsetto's on Glee the entire ride over thinking about the fun he hoped to have later that evening. Once we arrived, Bim quickly tried to assert himself as the alpha male but the boys would have none of it and soon had Bim squealing like a stuck pig. Thankfully, Chicago rescued our canine lover before he became the meat in a St Bernard sandwich. We then gathered around the table to start the tasting when Mike announced our big surprise would be the subsequent arrival of none other than "the worlds most interesting Gabe". It seems he had recently returned home after a week of preparations as the namesake for the upcoming "Burning Man" festival and had finally found time in his busy schedule to grace us with his presence. Not knowing when he would show up, we got started with a Lawson's Finest Double Sunshine (8.0%)  and it was simply fucking delicious. Hoppy, juicy, and bursting with grapefruit on the palate, it was full of flavor and left a pleasant alcohol tingle on finish. "Holy fuck that is amazing" said Fred, while Chicago added, "I wanna bathe my taint and my nut hamper in that shit". It isn't often that we start the night off with an RFG but this one was truly phenomenal. Hoping we hadn't already peaked for the night, we then tried a Knee Deep Hoptologist (9.0%), another big hoppy IPA that had a very citrusy nose to match its perfect color. Online reviews are mixed on this beer, some calling it better than Pliny to others saying things like, "In all honesty I could have made this beer on my stove using unsanitized everything and would have been better". We agree with the former as this is one delicious IPA. Not quite as perfect as the Double Sunshine, it is extremely tasty and got a really good rating. As Mike went to get the next few beers we heard a car screeching to a halt outside, and soon after, "The Gabe" strolled in with a shit eating grin on his face accompanied to his standard intro theme music. "What's up bitches, this party just got crunked" he said, as he pulled out a couple of gems from his rare beer cellar. "Yo, Husky Hay-Zeus, you be straight trippin homie bringing that jive honkey bullshit up in dis bitch" said Wilder "but I do like your tunes, so welcome to Beer Club 4 Men". To perhaps expound on why he is so internationally beloved and revered, we present the following facts about the world's most lovable ginger.

His body odor is the most popular fragrance from Scentsy.

His beard trimmings are also known as "grains of paradise" in Sam Adams Summer Ale.

His hipster treehouse located in stylish Ghent has a finished basement.

He once trekked the Appalachian Trail backwards...just to get a glimpse of his own perfect shadow.

All of his massages come with a happy ending...even when he is the masseuse.

The Iphone's "Siri" contacts him for information.

He completes sudoku puzzles with his penis.

His NY Times bestselling "mommy porn" novel was originally titled "50 Shades of Gabe".

He is the only man to survive a beard fight with Chuck Norris.

He once made a Brazilian woman orgasm in French by whispering Norwegian to her pet pomeranian.

He plays hacky sack with his own testicles and never loses them.

He invented Viagra to level the playing field for lesser men.

He is his own greatest hits station on Pandora.


He is the Most Interesting Gabe in the World

 In keeping with the IPA theme, Mike pulled out an Alesmith Yulesmith (Summer Holiday) (8.5%) and a Ballast Point Dorado (10.0%). Again, each beer was amazing and showcased how the slightest bit of variation in hop profile and malt bills can be used to make similar yet completely unique masterpieces. Both earned a really good, so we then changed it up with a Jester King Mad Meg (9.6%). "Damn that's a crazy looking bitch with a colander on her head" Bim said when looking at the label, to which Mike replied, "You know I dig on some crazy redheaded broads". This one gushed like a Amsterdam redlight district girl with a bad yeast infection, but the taste wasn't nearly as sour. Decent for a saison, we gave it a good. As Gabe was about to finish describing the time he had escaped being attacked by a marauding Ethiopian king cobra by mesmerizing it into a coma by simply combing his flowing mane, we tried a pair of beers from Dillon Dam Brewing. First was Sweet George's Brown (5.6%), a smoky brown ale that was ok but nothing special rating a so/so and their Extra Pale Ale (5.0%) which had just slightly more flavor than the average beginner's home brew. Since it wasn't a drain pour, it eked out a so/so rating. To change the pace, we then cracked into a Stone Smoked Porter W/Vanilla Beans (5.9%). This one isn't as dark as you would expect and the taste is even lighter. Sort of a cross between a cream soda and a rauchbier, this one was pretty tasty earning a solid good. Only two beers remained to be tasted so we pried the top off a Hangar 24 Double IPA (9.0%). While we watched Gabe intently swirling and sniffing his chalice of beer like a middle school boy finding his first pair of used panties, we discovered this beer was very floral on the nose. Hints of clover honey, melon and orange zest were present while the taste was sweet without being cloying. Really good was the result so we moved on to the final beer of the night, Widmer Brothers Kill Devil Brown (10.0%). "What the fuck, Kill Devil Browns?, that is some racist bullshit" said BC4M's token multinational, D-Rail. "Fuck you suzie chapstick, your yellow not brown, perhaps we should rename you Jaundiced By Nature" said Chicago. Even D-Rail howled with laughter at the new moniker, and the beer turned out to be excellent as well. Brewed with palm sugar, molasses and aged in rum barrels, this one has hints of toffee, licorice, rum and rich brown sugar. "Best fucking brown I ever tasted" said Bim, while Fred added, "What about that mama-san you loved on back at Subic Bay?" "She didn't taste this sweet" he replied. This one rated really good, so since we were finished for the night, we bid farewell to our host, thankful to have shared beers with a world icon. As we left, he graciously gave us proof to show we had broken bread with a legend.......

Until next time, Remember, Stay thirsty our friends....