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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Monday, July 30, 2012

The Most Interesting Gabe in the World

Recently, BC4M's newest initiated member, Chicago Mike (Ace of the dynamic duo of Ace and Gary) offered to play host to the first ever official meeting held outside of the neighborhood. He had promised us a huge surprise when we showed up, which caused Bim to start frothing at the mouth since he thought that Mike's two lovable St Bernard's named Aikman and Emmitt would enjoy a "ride" from him. Bim, had a smile as big as one of those pole smoking falsetto's on Glee the entire ride over thinking about the fun he hoped to have later that evening. Once we arrived, Bim quickly tried to assert himself as the alpha male but the boys would have none of it and soon had Bim squealing like a stuck pig. Thankfully, Chicago rescued our canine lover before he became the meat in a St Bernard sandwich. We then gathered around the table to start the tasting when Mike announced our big surprise would be the subsequent arrival of none other than "the worlds most interesting Gabe". It seems he had recently returned home after a week of preparations as the namesake for the upcoming "Burning Man" festival and had finally found time in his busy schedule to grace us with his presence. Not knowing when he would show up, we got started with a Lawson's Finest Double Sunshine (8.0%)  and it was simply fucking delicious. Hoppy, juicy, and bursting with grapefruit on the palate, it was full of flavor and left a pleasant alcohol tingle on finish. "Holy fuck that is amazing" said Fred, while Chicago added, "I wanna bathe my taint and my nut hamper in that shit". It isn't often that we start the night off with an RFG but this one was truly phenomenal. Hoping we hadn't already peaked for the night, we then tried a Knee Deep Hoptologist (9.0%), another big hoppy IPA that had a very citrusy nose to match its perfect color. Online reviews are mixed on this beer, some calling it better than Pliny to others saying things like, "In all honesty I could have made this beer on my stove using unsanitized everything and would have been better". We agree with the former as this is one delicious IPA. Not quite as perfect as the Double Sunshine, it is extremely tasty and got a really good rating. As Mike went to get the next few beers we heard a car screeching to a halt outside, and soon after, "The Gabe" strolled in with a shit eating grin on his face accompanied to his standard intro theme music. "What's up bitches, this party just got crunked" he said, as he pulled out a couple of gems from his rare beer cellar. "Yo, Husky Hay-Zeus, you be straight trippin homie bringing that jive honkey bullshit up in dis bitch" said Wilder "but I do like your tunes, so welcome to Beer Club 4 Men". To perhaps expound on why he is so internationally beloved and revered, we present the following facts about the world's most lovable ginger.

His body odor is the most popular fragrance from Scentsy.

His beard trimmings are also known as "grains of paradise" in Sam Adams Summer Ale.

His hipster treehouse located in stylish Ghent has a finished basement.

He once trekked the Appalachian Trail backwards...just to get a glimpse of his own perfect shadow.

All of his massages come with a happy ending...even when he is the masseuse.

The Iphone's "Siri" contacts him for information.

He completes sudoku puzzles with his penis.

His NY Times bestselling "mommy porn" novel was originally titled "50 Shades of Gabe".

He is the only man to survive a beard fight with Chuck Norris.

He once made a Brazilian woman orgasm in French by whispering Norwegian to her pet pomeranian.

He plays hacky sack with his own testicles and never loses them.

He invented Viagra to level the playing field for lesser men.

He is his own greatest hits station on Pandora.

He is the Most Interesting Gabe in the World

 In keeping with the IPA theme, Mike pulled out an Alesmith Yulesmith (Summer Holiday) (8.5%) and a Ballast Point Dorado (10.0%). Again, each beer was amazing and showcased how the slightest bit of variation in hop profile and malt bills can be used to make similar yet completely unique masterpieces. Both earned a really good, so we then changed it up with a Jester King Mad Meg (9.6%). "Damn that's a crazy looking bitch with a colander on her head" Bim said when looking at the label, to which Mike replied, "You know I dig on some crazy redheaded broads". This one gushed like a Amsterdam redlight district girl with a bad yeast infection, but the taste wasn't nearly as sour. Decent for a saison, we gave it a good. As Gabe was about to finish describing the time he had escaped being attacked by a marauding Ethiopian king cobra by mesmerizing it into a coma by simply combing his flowing mane, we tried a pair of beers from Dillon Dam Brewing. First was Sweet George's Brown (5.6%), a smoky brown ale that was ok but nothing special rating a so/so and their Extra Pale Ale (5.0%) which had just slightly more flavor than the average beginner's home brew. Since it wasn't a drain pour, it eked out a so/so rating. To change the pace, we then cracked into a Stone Smoked Porter W/Vanilla Beans (5.9%). This one isn't as dark as you would expect and the taste is even lighter. Sort of a cross between a cream soda and a rauchbier, this one was pretty tasty earning a solid good. Only two beers remained to be tasted so we pried the top off a Hangar 24 Double IPA (9.0%). While we watched Gabe intently swirling and sniffing his chalice of beer like a middle school boy finding his first pair of used panties, we discovered this beer was very floral on the nose. Hints of clover honey, melon and orange zest were present while the taste was sweet without being cloying. Really good was the result so we moved on to the final beer of the night, Widmer Brothers Kill Devil Brown (10.0%). "What the fuck, Kill Devil Browns?, that is some racist bullshit" said BC4M's token multinational, D-Rail. "Fuck you suzie chapstick, your yellow not brown, perhaps we should rename you Jaundiced By Nature" said Chicago. Even D-Rail howled with laughter at the new moniker, and the beer turned out to be excellent as well. Brewed with palm sugar, molasses and aged in rum barrels, this one has hints of toffee, licorice, rum and rich brown sugar. "Best fucking brown I ever tasted" said Bim, while Fred added, "What about that mama-san you loved on back at Subic Bay?" "She didn't taste this sweet" he replied. This one rated really good, so since we were finished for the night, we bid farewell to our host, thankful to have shared beers with a world icon. As we left, he graciously gave us proof to show we had broken bread with a legend.......

Until next time, Remember, Stay thirsty our friends....


ILuvTheBirch said...

You guys are still gay but you are slightly cooler for having Jerry Garcia at your meeting!

Anonymous said...

that Gabe is one ugly woman

Anonymous said...

Imagine how beautiful the world could be if Gabe was our leader......chik-fil-a for or straight...

Anonymous said...

If i wanna pray to the 198 lb mid 20's be it..Taco Bell is delicious....mother funkers

Anonymous said...

Only a true champion could bestow such awesome names upon their dogs.....Chicago Mike is obviously a Cowboys fan...all hail Chicago Mike!

Anonymous said...

So you scrotum sniffers finally found enough sack to venture out of your swanky neighborhood for a douche fest with baby big lebowski. Maybe one day you will be bold enough to show your faces at a real beer bar like The Birch or even go Obama enough to gasp...let women rate some beers. Until then, fuck you pigs

Unshaved Creamsicle

#1Hipster said...

Hi Malia!

TheItalianSaison said...

Well, well, well. Who coulda guessed you ass monkeys coulda found another pathetic wanna be to goin the group much less hang out with you losers. What did you do? Go to Fuck Wads R Us? Or just the Birch?
And a couple saint bernards named after none other than the most disgraceful fucking NFL team of all time is only fitting. With names like Aikman and Emmitt no wonder Bim got ass trained like a couple coked up hookers at a Dallas Cowboys hotel party. Hope he at least thanked them for the pointers on how to really fuck like a man.
This new douche bag must be a real fucking winner to make him official. Hope you gave him the official club skinny jeans,dirty dancing shirt and wool cap so he can pretend to have a life like the rest of you lactating androgynous hipsters.
OH, and speaking of hipsters, who's the fucking ginger garden gnome? And he "approves this message"? Hey you lolly pop guild reject, approving your own message is as pathetic as those dumb assholes who "like" their OWN facebook posts....
So in closing gentlemen, congrats on the groups new loser and don't forget, if you really need another pretentious ass hat to join the group you have to look no further than 1231 W Olney Rd, Norfolk.

Beer Club 4 Men said...

God I love you people!!!


ILuvTheBirch said...

I approve this message!