Cap'n Krunkle and the Maharaja

It was a Wednesday evening in the hood, and the ladies were at Wilder's estate for a Stampin'Up party (in reality an excuse for the ladies to drink wine). This gave the lads from the BC4M a chance to sneak down to Bim's for a tasting session. Once again we had assembled a bevy (i.e. metric Butt Ton) of new beers from various sources. First up was Capital City Brewing's The Big Dipa (10.5%), a double IPA that exclaimed, "enhance your inner pyrate" which by the spelling is a reference to the San Francisco light in the loafers brand of "pirate". This beer however was no pushover as it drank like a shot over the bow. A big bold, hoppy grog of deliciousness, this was befitting to serve the scurvy scalawags of Blackbeard's fleet. It rated a very good, so we moved on to a double hopped IPA from Breckenridge Brewery. Small Batch 471 (9.2%) was so smooth and easy to swallow Bim said, "I could drink this shit all day", while Wilder exclaimed, "no fucking way this is 9.2%". Another beer that rated a good which was a pleasant way to start the evening off. Next was Thomas Creek Brewery's Deepwater Doppelbock (6.25%) which was about as close to a doppelbock as Landshark Lager is. All these guys did was take a MGD64 and add caramel color to it. We love doppelbocks, but this was very thin and watery with no sweetness at all. It is more akin to being a weak amber ale than a bock so it only rated a so-so. Undeterred we popped the top on a Firestone Union Jack IPA (7.5%). With a label that boasted a picture of an Irish Grizzy Bear hammer fisting Liberace the steroid guzzling gay lion, it poured crystal clear and was in the words of Ricky Bobby, "delicious and cools you down on a hot summer day". It received a good. Lagunitas WTF (Wilco Tango Foxtrot) (7.83%), as opposed to more correct "whiskey tango foxtrot" was self-described as a "multi-robust jobless recovery ale" (WTF does that mean?). It was good but not overpowering and we all agreed this was a stellar session beer. Generally, we somehow always end up with a hefe-weizen or wheat style beer to try at these meetings. Fred usually expresses some sort of facial expression that implies (damn, we gotta drink another freaking clove bomb?), but we must rate every beer we can find, regardless of our personal biases. Weihenstephaner Hefe Weissbeer (5.4%) was a typical potpourri of spice that shouted, "the beer inside this bottle sucks". To cleanse our taste buds we tried a Williamsburg Ale Works Brewmaster Reserve Bourbon Barrel Porter (9.0%). This was vintage 2010, bottle number 1864 and while this isn't Wilder's favorite style of beer, he was the only dissenter from good for the group. With mild vanilla, coffee and rich bourbon flavors,this is a solid beer to sip on a cold winter night. Next up was Terrapin's Side Project Cap'n Krunkles Black IPA (7.5%). Ole Captain Krunkle was supposedly the most feared pirate on the high seas. This black hole of a beer poured as smooth as a freshly asphalted highway and tasted even smoother. Crazy Ken said he loved eating bowls of Cap'n Krunkle as a kid until Snake reminded him the cereal was actually called Captain Crunch. This was an excellent beer that we wanted more of. Bim retold the story of how as a young midshipman aboard the H.M.S. Cameltoe that he had shared a bottle of scotch with the then Lieutenant Krunkle. Both men also shared a love for turkish bath houses, and one evening they had gone on a whiskey fueled massage parlor binge while on liberty in Istanbul. Because Krunkle (or the Krunk as his friends call him) had had a life altering experience in the bath house with what turned out to be a Moroccan lady-boy, he had become the flamboyant satin camisole wearing pirate who commanded the frigate "Flying Pantaloon". From that day on, every sailor on the open seas feared the day Captain Krunkle would board their ship and exclaim, "Give me your booty!" After laughing our asses off at Bim's sea story, we opened a bottle of Brewery Ommegang's 3 Philosophers (9.8%). This craft brewer likes to make artisanal Belgian style beers, and this one was excellent. A blend of ale and a Belgian kriek, this was a cherry flavored cordial that would be a perfect companion for a rich dessert. Next up was perhaps the most unique beer any of us had ever encountered. Russian River's Supplication (7.0%) was a bottle conditioned sour ale that is aged in pinot noir barrels, and was in the words of Bim, "sour as fuck", while Fred and J. Wilder both loved the tongue curling tartness. This was a unique style of beer, and since some members said sucks while others said RFG, we gave it a so-so. We had never tasted a beer anywhere in the same zip code as this one and Bim suggested it would make a perfect nightcap for Cap'n Krunkles life partner Jaques Le Flame. Only 3 beers remained, so we went back to a conventional beer, Hoppin Frogs Outta Kilter Wee Heavy Scotch Style Ale (8.2%). The bottle featured an Amazonian poison lipped river frog, and Snake brought the house down with his childhood story about barefoot frog gigging in the piranha infested waters of South America while on a mission trip to the Jonestown commune in Guyana. This beer tastes nothing like chicken he said, although it easily was the best Scotch ale we had ever tried and it rated a good. Next was a bottle of Avery Brewing's Maharaja (10.41%). An Imperial IPA, in the tasting glass it looked like an aquarium of sea monkeys. The bottle had a picture of either a New York cabbie or 7-11 clerk who was probably named Kongpesh or Gunjan but damn the Maharaja was a very good beer. As we drank this hoppy delicacy, we all agreed it was excellent and deserved the coveted RFG. The final beer of the night was a re-tasting of Stone's Sublimely Self-Righteous Ale (8.7%) which had received a good on Five men and a baby night. Extremely smooth as well as hoppy, this tasted even better than the first time and we deemed this another RFG. The night had come to a close and as we stumbled out of Bim's stately manor, we performed our ritual bottle heave into the "recycle" container that is located 400 feet behind the house. Luckily for those protect the planet types, no native species were injured during this process. We then dispersed with the standard disclaimer for our group, 'What happens at the BC4M, stays at the BC4M"... Until next time....

Cliff Clavin night

For our regularly scheduled meeting, we assembled at Bim's house around the fire pit on his veranda and welcomed a guest to the festivities. Fred had told all his co-workers about the BC4M and about all the great beers he was getting to taste. Dave (a 3 time paper mache medal winning homebrewer), otherwise known to all as Cliffy (in reference to the Cheers character Cliff Clavin) was invited to join in the festivities. Cliff came well prepared, bringing with him a selection of beers from St Georges Brewing in Hampton as well as his own personal keg ( a 3 gallon roadie that he can kill at a single red light). First up was Old Dominion Brewing's Dominion Millenium Ale (10.5%). Brewed with honey and English malts this gave us a good start to the evening, as it was strong, flavorful and ending with a sweet kick. A real ass kicker, this is not a beer for the college keg stand crowd and it received a solid good. J Wilder noticed the label which displayed a 12 point buck and stated "what a rack", although we think he was looking at pictures on his I-phone at the time. Next up was the pac-man yeast hounds from Rogue and their Chatoe Rogue First Growth Single Malt Ale (4.8%). Plain and simple, this shit SUCKS. It tasted like a a bottle of seltzer, which meant ZERO taste. Smelling "kinda like a beer", it was described by Fred as a "big bottle of rip-off emptiness", and Bim said, "empty and without a soul". Next up was Full Sail Hop Pursuit Brewmaster Reserve (6.0%). Why the fuck the brewmaster reserved this shit one will never know. Fred broke out in a perfect rendition of Sheriff Buford T. Justice and exclaimed, "I am in high speed pursuit of the missing hops", followed by that immortal baseball homerun call "the hops have left the building". What a worthless bottle of poop this turned out to be. A new seasonal offering from our friends at Troeg's, Java Head (7.5%) was opened next. D-rail said it was as "smooth as a hershey bar, and then it falls off the counter" while Cliff said it tasted more like a coffee porter than a stout. It only got a so-so since it didn't finish with any gravitas (thats right I said gravitas, go look up that 25-cent word). Reaper's Mortality Stout (7.5%) was then shared and other than the cool graphics on the bottle (a picture of Edgar Allen Poe's raven sitting on his skull) this beer didn't light the lamp and only got a so-so. Finally a decent beer was poured, as we got into a Goose Island Nightstalker (11.7%). Sweet, smooth, and blacker than space, it poured like Gulf of Mexico seawater. This was a great beer and Sheriff Justice said, "only a tick turd or possums pecker wouldn't rate this an RFG", but evidently D-Rail's middle name is possum and this only got a good (as close to RFG as da law will allow). Tuppers Keller Pils (5.0%) and Tuppers Hop Pocket Ale (6.0%) were gifts from Cliff, and we now wished he had left them at home for the neighbors. The Keller Pils tasted more like a Gatorade G3 than a beer, and Fred thought somehow the brewmasters had mixed up a batch of Tide detergent with Grape Kool-Aid to make this filth. Definitely a sucks, but not the worst beer we have ever had. The Hop Pocket Ale was so-so, but tasted more like a mass marketed sessionbeer than a microbrew. We then tapped Cliff's car keg which held some St George's Pilsner (5.0%). Nothing to write home about, this was a solid session beer that is way too easy to drink. It got a so-so to good and we thought we were done for the night. However, Bim decided we needed to finally break in to the Belgium style sample pack he received as part of his reward for his research on bedroom swings (something from perhaps whatever that means). Gulden Draak (10.5%) was a dark triple style ale was thick and rich, like fortified Aunt Jemima's syrup but tasted very very good. We then opened a grenade of Augustijn Ale (8.0%) that was a typical Belgian ale, and rated a so-so. I am sure there are people in this world that love a Belgian style beer, but the BC4M isn't them. The final beer of the night was Bornem Double Abbey Ale (8.0%) which tasted like a late night stack on pancakes. If you ever find yourself malnourished or perhaps after running a half marathon and in need of a energy boost, drink a 4 pack of these calorie bombs. The meeting was then subsequently adjourned and we departed for the evening. We bid adieu (or see you the fuck later) to Cliff as he recalled one of his immortal theories, "A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, the slow and weak in the back are killed first. The speed and health of the herd keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know kills brain cells. Naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers". And that dear readers, is a little known fact...

OBX night

Wednesday night provided the BC4M a chance to have a sneak peek of a few beers before our regularly scheduled meeting (and yes that meant more than one meeting this week). Snake and Prince Mike (along with their better halves) had gone for a weekend retreat to the OBX (the outer banks of N.C.) for those of you unfamiliar with the area , and had brought back a couple of growlers of beer from the Outer Banks Brewing Station. Even though this is America's first wind powered brewery (a fact not lost on Fred considering his day job), we wanted to support the locals by trying out their wares. Since Snake was due out of town for a big corporate meeting at the Bunny Ranch, we decided to sample the new beers with him at Prince Mike's house. Bim, J. Wilder, Fred, 10pm (WTF, he actually showed up), and Snake (who arrived promptly at 9:30, when we had started at 8) were eager to try a new local brew or two. Fred also brought the last bottle of Pliny the Elder for 10pm to try since he was out of town on the 300 night. We poured a round of Pliny and everyone agreed it was still fucking awesome. Even 10pm looked up and said, "thats a damn good beer, I really like it". Since this was to be a short meeting, we only had 3 beers to rate. First was Outer Banks Brewing Station's Shipwreck Stout (7.2%), which was dark, chewy and chocolatey. It was surprisingly good, even though it seemed like they had brewed this beer with the salvaged remains from the bilge of the famed schooner Thar She Blows, which was lost amidst the hellish waters of Back Bay in 1902. Next up was the second growler from Outer Banks Brewing Station, Sledgehammer and Tongs (11.0%), which was a Strong Belgian/American style ale. J. Wilder said he loved the idea of seeing a sexy young thang swinging a sledgehammer while wearing a thong, until we pointed out to him that it was TONGS, not thongs (although truth be told, he was surely on to something, perhaps the newest T-shirt idea for the BC4M store?) Self described as a powerhouse, this was sweet at first sip and then you get hit with the hammer. What a powerful one-two sucker punch from this strong, smooth and creamy bottle of "liquid love". "The way I like my beers" exclaimed Bim, who went on to say this was a "pubic hair on a gnats ass away from RFG". We all concurred that this was a great beer, and we plan on refilling the growler on our next trip south. The final beer of the night was Mikkeller's Draft Bear (8.0%), which was completely different than the other beers of the night. We couldn't come up with a way to describe it other than it was different, almost a class of beer unto itself, but without any distinctive flavor notes. We liked it and called it a so-so to good. We then adjourned the meeting with two thumbs and a t-back up since we had plans to crack open more beers the following evening. Until next time, remember the official greeting of the BC4M, "This thongs' for you".