Black Dynamite - Can you Dig it?

Before the BC4M was even a twinkle in founding father Bim's cataract filled eyes, he had somehow managed to squeeze a small homebrewing set up in the cramped cat piss and dog turd filled garage that surrounds his beloved VW bus that he plans to "fix up one day". Using only the finest in all natural extract ingredients, he had churned out an endless supply of drain pours that while boasting witty names and catchy labels generally resulted in the drinker developing an acute case of dysentery.

Even after receiving scathing criticism as well as multiple death threats from the judges at the Greater Piedmont Malt Liquor Festival for dregs like Skidmark Brown and Pole Smoker Porter, Bim was undaunted in his quest to one day deliver a decent if not award winning home brew. Perhaps the worst of the worst was his collaboration with J. Wilder on their Swamp Fire Ale, a wee-heavy style ale brewed with real scorched peat dredged from the depths of the Dismal Swamp after a "guys" camping weekend which resulted in a fire that consumed 20,000 acres of pristine wetlands. It tasted and smelled so bad that when Fred first tried it, he though he had mistakenly poured himself a pint of extra strength Drano. Showing the tenacity exhibited by rabid chipmunks storing walnuts for winter, Bim was relentless in his efforts to brew a beer that was not only tasty but also FDA approved. After a late night hear to heart talk with BC4M's other resident home brewer, Crazy Ken on the virtues of his award winning all grain recipes, Bim decided that was just the trick to finally turn his luck around. Thinking his brewing equipment was outdated and in need of modernization he was desperate to come up with some quick cash. One night after downing a six pack of of high octane, he drunkenly placed an add on Craig's List offering his son's tricked out pizza delivery car for the astonishingly low price of 900 bucks. Awoken the next day to over 300 voicemails and texts from people anxiously wanting to buy the car, Bim quickly mulled through the offers and somehow milked 1500 clams and a lap dance from an industrious young coed with daddy issues. After setting up his new fully automated brewing system, his first recipe was for a Russian Imperial Stout and the results were simply amazing. "Damn, this actually tastes like real beer" said Snake, while Fred added, "This shit is dynamite". Bim then said, "Let's call it Black Dynamite" to which everyone quickly agreed. It wasn't long before the beer was ready to be bottled, and Bim unveiled the new label that stated:

"This beer is guaranteed to make you smarter, improve your stamina, make you attractive to women, make ugly chicks look pretty, improve your kung-fu skills, and make you one bad-ass dude. Can you dig it?"

Only 22 bottles of this were created, and Fred quickly got on Twitter to start trading them away. The recipe was so good, Bim decided he would create a whole lineup of "dynamite" beers, the first one being a vanilla bean infused one called "Ice Ice Dynamite"

Until then...drink up Jive Turkey!

BC4M's "Name the new guy contest"

As many of you loyal readers know, we recently initiated the newest member into our exclusive club. It all started a while back on a random Saturday when Fred and Bim went to check out a new local brewery and happened to walk in on a zymurgy (meaning, Hey look at me I am a super awesome homebrewer) lecture being given by a guy that looked like he was a roadie for some death metal band. After listening to him expound on the beauty and depth of Italian saisons, we actually were relieved to find out he wasn't some Ghent hipster douche bag and actually did know something about beers when he began to rave about BC4M favorites Surly Darkness and 3 Floyd's Dark Lord. We found out he was newly transplanted to our area from Chicago and was looking for places with great beer. We handed him one of our cards and suggested he attend a meeting at some point. A few weeks later, Fred ran into him again, this time at BC4M's favorite bottle shop, Grape and Gourmet. "Chicago Mike" as we christened him, would soon become a regular  at our meetings, always bringing bottles of beer with him. It was an easy decision to welcome him as a fully fledged member, the only problem was, his boring ass nickname which we decided simply had to go. According to his better half, he has had multiple nicknames while growing up. It seems it all started back in the fall of 1986, when a teenage Michael was rapidly ascending the ranks of Eagle Scout by offering free "breast exams" to any and all takers. In fact, he earned his first nickname, "Canteen Boy" after his scoutmaster sought to give Mike his own type of "exam". Shaken by the turn of events, it caused our beloved scout to dive face first into a binge eating depression that caused him to swell up in size and become "Stay-Puff" to his classmates. After a humiliating loss in "Dance Dance Revolution" at the local Chuck-E-Cheese followed by the excruciating pain of a double hernia surgery caused by a drunken "skateboarding accident", he had an epiphany. He decided to become a new man by creating a new fitness routine called "P-89X". Like clockwork, every hour for months on end he would bang out another set and before long he was a back to his fighting weight. Needing some quick money, he decided to use his dancing talents at the local "club" and quickly became a crowd favorite by the name of "Magic Mike". He quickly became the most in demand of the dancers and was destined to make his way to perhaps New York or even stripper hot spot San Francisco. Fate however, intervened one night when his childhood sweetheart Xena the Hop Princess happened to be at a bachelorette party at the club (her 4th that week) and managed to rescue him from the clutches of a tequila and chili dog fueled "patron" who had paid $107.36 for an anything goes all nighter in the "champagne room". A mere 3 hours later, Mike and Xena were married at a nearby bed and breakfast, and have never looked back. They later relocated to the home of the BC4M where after a short stint as "assistant to the regional head brewer", Mike and his "business not life" partner Jean-Pierre LaDouche have begun scouting locations for their newest venture, a brewpub/bottle shop. As you can tell, our newest member has had a story filled existence and the simple moniker of "Chicago Mike" seems a bit underwhelming. We welcome any and all suggestions, the raunchier the better. The winning entry will receive a BC4M pint glass and taster glass or if you prefer, a lapdance from Mike himself. So put your thinking caps on and lets get cracking. Submit your entries to either:

email:
beerclubformen@cox.net

On Twitter:
@beerclub4men or @bc4mbim

Chick Fellatio

Last week was particularly hard for Bim. First came the news that the owner of Chik Fil-A doesn't believe in chicken loving. They have always been very clear in their advertising that cow fucking is cool, but this goes too far. It's apparently okay to raise chickens in small cages, cut their heads off and eat them, but don't you dare make sweet animal love to them! "That's it" said Bim at our last meeting, "I ain't eating there ever again". And to make his point, he began examining the most personal and irrelevant thoughts and ideas of all the beer merchants that the BC4M frequents. Let's start with Grape and Gourmet, our primary beer source. Turns out that the owner thinks he was once probed by space aliens and he now refuses to serve aliens in his store. That's bullshit! First you don't serve the aliens, the next thing they won't serve your sweet old grandma. Not shopping there anymore. Total Wine's owners refuse to use religious affiliation when they hire, meaning they love Satan worshipers...so long Total Wine. Chip's Beer and Wine believe that hipster's are actually modern day prophets. That's just soooo offensive that we cannot support them ever again. Let's Talk Wine? Should rename the place Let's Talk Crazy. The owner believes that surfing is a real sport. Whoa! I think somebody's been hitting the ganja pipe! YNOT Pizza??? They get cat carcasses from a Chinese restaurant and make them into appetizers. Everyone knows that cat meat can only be used in lo mein! And lastly, there's the Lynnhaven Pub. These butt munchers think Ron Jeremy is a viable candidate for president... LUDICROUS! He's a VP at best. So, dear readers, we now have a serious problem. Because of our own bizarre, perverted and rigid belief system, we no longer can find beer locally. Please send us your beer. Unless, of course, you have any weirdo beliefs that we don't agree with. Ok, off the soapbox and onto the beer tasting! We held a rare Sunday tasting at Bim's. The idea was to spend a few hours tasting a dozen or so beers. 6 hrs and 29 beers later, we adjourned. The list is long, so to keep it short, the following beers sucked: Cigar City Cucumber Saison (6%) (this shit is embarrassingly bad. Think Hell or High Watermelon Wheat), Troeg's Scratch 50 (7%), Rogue Old Crustacean Barleywine 2008 (11.5%). The following were so/so: Fort Collins Dopple Bock (10%), Browuery De Graal De Graal Triverius (6.6%), Mikkeller I Beat You (9.75%), Ft. Collins The Incredible Hop (9.5%). Tenaya Creek Red Ryder Ale (6.2%), Mons Abbey Witte (5.0%), Jailhouse Brewing Repreive (6.0%), Jailhouse Brewing Mugshot IPA (6.7%). The following beers were Good: Jailhouse Brewing Hardtime Barleywine (10.5%), Jailhouse Brewing Prison Camp Pils (5.5%), Jailhouse Brewing Slammer Wheat (5.0%), Tenaya Creek Calico Brown Ale (5.6%), Tenaya Creek Hop Ride IPA (7.2%), Schmaltz / Terrapin Reunion Ale 12 (8%), Terrapin / Schmaltz Reunion Ale 12 (8%)  ( this version is definitely better than the first), Hoppin Frog Hop Heathen (8.8%), Brouwery De Molen Zomerhop (6.2%), Triple Digit Brewing Aftermath (10.5%), Great Divide Wolfgang (8.0%), Elysian Idiot Sauvin IPA (6.3%), Troeg's Scratch-60 (5.1%). And finally, the remainder were Really Good: Black Diamond Rampage IPA (9.0%), Black Diamond Brandy Barrel Aged Grand Cru (9.0%), Hoppin Frog Sweet Evil (8.8%), Hoppin Frog Goose Juice (7.0%), and Tenaya Creek Imperial Stout (9.3%). Damn! That's a shitload of beer! Some damn fine beers in the bunch, yet not a single RFG in the group. Until next time, enjoy this video of our very own Snake Plisken, enjoying a day at the beach.