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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Monday, September 3, 2012

Black Dynamite - Can you Dig it?

Before the BC4M was even a twinkle in founding father Bim's cataract filled eyes, he had somehow managed to squeeze a small homebrewing set up in the cramped cat piss and dog turd filled garage that surrounds his beloved VW bus that he plans to "fix up one day". Using only the finest in all natural extract ingredients, he had churned out an endless supply of drain pours that while boasting witty names and catchy labels generally resulted in the drinker developing an acute case of dysentery.

Even after receiving scathing criticism as well as multiple death threats from the judges at the Greater Piedmont Malt Liquor Festival for dregs like Skidmark Brown and Pole Smoker Porter, Bim was undaunted in his quest to one day deliver a decent if not award winning home brew. Perhaps the worst of the worst was his collaboration with J. Wilder on their Swamp Fire Ale, a wee-heavy style ale brewed with real scorched peat dredged from the depths of the Dismal Swamp after a "guys" camping weekend which resulted in a fire that consumed 20,000 acres of pristine wetlands. It tasted and smelled so bad that when Fred first tried it, he though he had mistakenly poured himself a pint of extra strength Drano. Showing the tenacity exhibited by rabid chipmunks storing walnuts for winter, Bim was relentless in his efforts to brew a beer that was not only tasty but also FDA approved. After a late night hear to heart talk with BC4M's other resident home brewer, Crazy Ken on the virtues of his award winning all grain recipes, Bim decided that was just the trick to finally turn his luck around. Thinking his brewing equipment was outdated and in need of modernization he was desperate to come up with some quick cash. One night after downing a six pack of of high octane, he drunkenly placed an add on Craig's List offering his son's tricked out pizza delivery car for the astonishingly low price of 900 bucks. Awoken the next day to over 300 voicemails and texts from people anxiously wanting to buy the car, Bim quickly mulled through the offers and somehow milked 1500 clams and a lap dance from an industrious young coed with daddy issues. After setting up his new fully automated brewing system, his first recipe was for a Russian Imperial Stout and the results were simply amazing. "Damn, this actually tastes like real beer" said Snake, while Fred added, "This shit is dynamite". Bim then said, "Let's call it Black Dynamite" to which everyone quickly agreed. It wasn't long before the beer was ready to be bottled, and Bim unveiled the new label that stated:

"This beer is guaranteed to make you smarter, improve your stamina, make you attractive to women, make ugly chicks look pretty, improve your kung-fu skills, and make you one bad-ass dude. Can you dig it?"

Only 22 bottles of this were created, and Fred quickly got on Twitter to start trading them away. The recipe was so good, Bim decided he would create a whole lineup of "dynamite" beers, the first one being a vanilla bean infused one called "Ice Ice Dynamite"

Until then...drink up Jive Turkey!


US brews blow said...

Well, I'll snub my nose at it if it's brewed within the confines of the empirical U.S.

Anonymous said...

empirical huh? maybe you need to go check Websters for a definition of that word...perhaps you meant Imperial? like the malt liquor you probably guzzle alongside your poncho wearing freeloading buds you shack up with down in Ghent?

Anonymous said...

Relax Justin! He meant empirical just didn't know what it meant.