A Three Night Bender - Night One

Even though it was still hot as Hades each day, the school year had just started and that meant one thing for the BC4M.......NFL football was making its long awaited return to the 65 inch LED display at Fred's house. What better way to kick off the 2010 NFL campaign than with a BC4M meeting. The troops gathered at Fred's on opening night that Thursday to watch the Who Dats from N'awlins take on the Purple People Eaters from the land of 10,000 lakes. While working virtually every one of those 10,000 lakes as an itinerant fish cleaner/love shaman during his summers while going to school at the University of Minnesota-Mankato, J. Wilder had become a huge Vikes fan. As Wilder was hoping Father Time himself, Brett Favre could conjure up one more drama filled run at a Super Bowl title, we opened up our first bottle, Alesmith IPA (7.25%). The bouquet was piney and hoppy but the taste didn't live up to the scent. Crazy Ken said, "a good at best" while Bim declared, "I sure as fuck ain't bowled over by it, but its decent", so we gave it a good. Next was Southern Tier Imperial Extra Pale Ale Hoppe (8.0%), that featured a snooty label that stated "We craft this much like a sculptor who uses only a hammer and chisel to shape stone into a masterpiece". Fred said, "who the fuck are these guys, this beer reminds me of a redneck eating chicken fingers at a European film festival", but even with all that, the taste was smooth and refreshing with surprisingly little hoppy bite at all, so it only got a good. Two Brothers Hop Juice (9.9%) was offered, and it held 100 IBU's of tongue bittering flavor inside the bottle. The label had what looked like a pair of Channelock pliers squeezing a virgin hop cone for all she was worth. This one was too dry for our taste so it got a so-so. Cricket Hill Nocturne Dark Lager (4.75%) poured like a flat Barq's Root beer, and it tasted like the runoff from the garbage disposal so it rated a sucks. Fred disliked it so much, he talked about adding a category to the rating system for "really fucking sucks", but we figured why beat the brewer while he is down since sucks seems to be a bad enough rating. New Belgium Lips of Faith Eric's Ale (7.0%) was a peachy flavored sour ball that caused Ken to say, "I could use this shit to fuel my weed whacker, this is terrible", while Fred and Wilder both liked it. Ken, while still trying to uncurl his tongue said, "smells like waterlogged tennis shoes that have been dried out". This one was in the words of our immortal sour beer lover Bim, "sour as fuck!", and once again we gave it a split rating of good. The next two beers were collaboration beers from Dogfish Head, Stone and Victory, Saison du Buff (6.8%). As you may recall, we had tried the Saison du Buff that was brewed at Stone and had given it a good. The brewers take the same recipe and brew a batch at each brewery and then send it out to the market. This beer is a weird mixture of rosemary, parsley, sage and thyme. "What the fuck" said Ken, "is this a Martha Stewart recipe?" The Victory version smell reminded Wilder of fresh cut crabgrass mixed with dandelions and the taste reminded Bim of "pisswater mixed with sweaty socks", although no one is sure how he knows what that tastes like. The taste was awful, so it got a sucks, while the Dogfish Head version was actually much better and cleaner tasting. It was amazing that the exact same recipe could taste that much different, but maybe the boys in Rehoboth Beach used better ingredients, like Papa John's claims for their pizza. Rogue John John Juniper Ale (5.2%) was next and this one uses barrel aged gin to add flavor to their Juniper Ale. This one was actually pretty good as we generally despise the Rogue "pacman" yeast and free range coast water that these guys use in every one of their mediocre beers. The label was cool, cause it had a picture that looked like the two old fishermen, Cooter and Spider that lease out Wilder's new trawler "Spreader Boots" to fish down in Wanchese, NC. The final beer of the night was Founder's Breakfast Stout (8.3%). Pouring as dark as the bottom of the Titanic on a moonless February night, this one was rich and full of coffee and chocolate flavors. "I fucking love this" said Fred, while Ken added, "I ain't impressed". Like a iced coffee for breakfast, this one was a melted Hershey's chocolate bar mixed with Starbucks and it got a good, although Fred was ready to utilize the parliamentary procedure of Host Makes the Fuckin Rules to call it an RFG. The boys talked him down off his soap box and we agreed to give it a good. Since the game was almost over, and the Saints looked to be squeaking out a win, we called it a night so that Wilder could go release his frustration by landing a donkey punch to his neighbors barking chihuahua Paco. Until next time.........

Mickey Boombatz bares "gifts"

The moon was out, the kids were in bed, and the 6th annual Mr. and Mrs. Johnny Wilder Labor Day Luau was on tap the next day. What better way to get in the mood for the neighborhood free for all that is considered the blowout to end the flamingo season here in the CHC than to gather for a small beer tasting. There have been scattered reports that one morning following a particularly bohemian Luau party, the 350 year old live oak in the compound de Wilder backyard displayed a misplaced "juggy holder" from some buxom mischief maker while the party lagoon had a pair of her "cheek grabbers" clogging up the skimmer and an artificial leg was found sunk at the bottom of the pool. No one truly knows what the real story behind all that debauchery was but someone got "lucky" and we figure as long as we have some fun and nobody gets their "feelings" hurt then fuck it. With this in mind, Bim and Fred ventured to Johnny's poolside lounge for a quick sampling from our stash. First up was a Southern Tier Harvest Special Ale (6.4%). Featuring four types of hops and two types of malt, we tasted a beer that was way more malty than hoppy but was still fantastic. "This is gonna be my new session beer" declared Wilder as we gave this a really good. A can of Surly Cynic Ale (6.5%) was opened next. The list of ingredients read as long as the list of countries in the United Nations, to which Fred said, "damn they need a can this fucking big just to get all that fucking writing on it". Bim's first reaction was "off putting by the first sip, but its getting a whole lot better". A Belgan style ale, this one didn't overpower you with the typical Belgian yeast flavor and so it got a good. Just as we were about to pour our next beer, Frank the Tank sent out a text that said he was coming over with his brother, the newest member of the BC4M, Mickey Boombatz. Mickey, as you may recall, recently got inducted into the brotherhood, and was coming to town for Labor Day and of course the Luau. While we awaited their arrival, we opened a Surly Furious (6.2%) that was described as a hop tempest. 99 IBU's awaited us as we sipped what at first seemed like a can of Mr. Clean. Hoppy bite with a piney scent, but smooth as silk, this one was a solid good. We then opened a Trouble Brewing Amber Ale (4.7%), which had a slightly odd fruity flavor that even while very subtle, left a bad taste in your mouth so we gave it a so-so. Dominion Octoberfest (5.8%) was next, and it was a Marzen style beer that was an empty soul-less mess that cried out kill me now. Sucks was the rating, so we moved on to a Leinenkugel's Octoberfest (5.1%) which turned out to be decent and drinkable, so it got a good. As we were about to try our next beer,we heard the unmistakable rumble from Mickey's painstakingly restored "coochie hauler" as it pulled into Tank's driveway. "Fellas, Fellas, Fellas", said Mickey as he greeted each of us with a spine wrenching bear hug. "I come bringing gifts", he said as we watched him pull out what seemed like 20 different beers from the Jersey shore. Riverhorse Hop Hazard (6.5%) was hop free but tasty and would make a good lawnmower beer even though the boys in Jersey all live in houses with yards made of cement and astro turf. Flying Fish Farmhouse Summer Ale (4.6%) was decent, light and refreshing so it got a good. New Jersey Beer Company's Hudson Pale Ale (5.8%) was a wheat style beer that was about as pale as a used tea bag and tasted about as good, so it only got a so-so. Flying Fish Exit 16 Wild Rice Double IPA (8.2%) was opened and it was fantastic. "No wonder all those Mexicans are in Jersey" said Bim, "they gotta harvest all that rice". The wild rice (who knew that New Jersey is the 11th largest producer in the world of wild rice) added a crisp texture to the beer and it got a really good. Blue Point Hoptical Illusion (6.8%) had a label that made it look like it belonged on the altar of sacrifice in a Masonic lodge ritual. While we savored a decently good beer, Tank busted out his Ipod and serenaded us with a lounge version of one of the lamest songs to survive the 70's, "Dream Weaver". As we all threw up a little in our mouths, Tank said, "Ahh man, this is such a groovy tune, how could you not absolutely love it?" "Probably cause we ain't teabagging pole smokers", said Wilder as we moved on to a New Holland Ichabod (5.2%). A pumpkin beer, this one wasn't overly sugary or clovey so it was actually decent and got a good. Buffalo Bill's Pumpkin Ale (5.2%) on the other hand, was the Paula Deen of pumpkin beers. Full of apparently 3 tons of pure sugar and 50 pounds of melted butter, this was a complete train wreck and made us wanna "put the lotion in the basket". "This is like a 6 cylinder Mustang, weak as a turd tapping male ice dancer" said Mickey, "Get this fucking soccer mom beer out of my face before I wreck somebodys teeth". Sucks was the rating as we moved on to a Brooklyn Brewing Octoberfest (5.5%). Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn was of course the stop on the subway that Bim (along with his adoring wife) decided to take at 3:30 am earlier this year when they were in New York City for a prophylactic maker's convention. "I can't believe you didn't get butchered", said Mickey, "you must be touched by an angel, go play the lottery you lucky bastard", he told Bim. We had tried 14 new beers and the beer cooler was empty but no one wanted to end the evening, so Fred mentioned, "we just tried our 686th beer, lets get to 700 tonight". "What's that mean, another 24 beers? asked the 1981 Nobel prize winning mathematician of the group, Bim. "Yea, something like that Einstein" wisecracked J. Wilder. Fred then went to gather the required number of beers from his garage stash. Blue Point Brewing Rastafa Rye (7.5%) was first and it was a so-so since it tasted like a liquid loaf of rye bread. The next four beers were gifts returned from the wilds of Michigan by Fred's sassy coworker, Sunshine Chucklefanny. The beers were her prize for winning a "Shake Your Booty" dance contest that the local Future Farmers of America had put on while she was on vacation. The first beer, Big Buck IPA (5.6%) featured a picture of a what looked like a metrosexual tiger on the label but the beer was actually pretty good. Big Buck Doc's ESB Ale (6.7%) was light in the ass and only got a so-so due to a profound lack of taste. Short's Brewing Humalupalicious (6.6%) was a hop bomb that exploded in your mouth like a box of Pop Rocks. "Damn this is some tasty shit" said Fred, as we gave it a really good. The last beer was a Big Buck "Buck Naked" (3.5%) that featured a pair of free-loving nudists getting ready to play a game Wilder likes to call "just the tip". The beer was as weak as the handshake you would get from a cross dressing Cher impersonator but the flavor was actually decent, so it got a so-so. We moved on to a few more Jersey beers with Climax Brewing Extra Special Bitter (5.5%). This one had a dark color and rich taste that had Bim saying, "this shit is too sweet for me", while the rest of us liked it so we gave it a good. Bell's Brewing Oarsmen Ale (4.0%) was offered up next, and it was a wheat beer that tasted as if it was fermented with a case of Lemon pledge cleaner. "Fuck this is awful" said Tank, as we moved on to Kuichi Brewing Hitachino Nest Espresso Stout (7.5%). Fred is a huge fan of coffee flavored beers, yet he said this one missed the mark completely. Mickey stated, "I'd rather drink a bottle of Jersey Turnpike concrete than this bullshit", so we gave it a sucks. Cricket Hill East Coast Lager (4.0%) was another major disappointment, as it was flavorless and weak. Tank said it should be renamed, "Up Yours Lager" since it definitely left you "hanging". We then moved on to one of the gems of the mariachi loving crowd, Pacifico (4.8%) which was a watery cerveza with just a hint of flavor but much more tasty than Corona, so it got a so-so. Atwater Brewing Dirty Blonde (4.5%) was then passed around, and what a piece of work this bitch was. "It's like drinking a container of Life Buoy soap" said Bim. Mickey declared, "I remember seeing skeezers like this broad walking down near the docks in Newark, and I used to donkey punch them for fun". This one was another sucks, so we hoped for the best with a Lagunitas Little Sumpin Sumpin Ale (7.5%). This was yet another beer that featured a hoochie on the cover, but this one was worth the price of admission. Tasty and strong it rated a solid good. Brouwerij Van Steenberge Cherish Kriek Lambic (5.0%) was the next to last beer of the night. Sour cherries gave this one a tart tongue wagging flavor that ended with a smooth texture so we gave it a really good. The final beer of the night was Surly Coffee Bender (5.1%). Tall dark and flavorful, this one tasted like an alcoholic frappacino and went down smooth. "Damn this is fucking awesome" said Fred, as we decided to tone down his delight by only giving it a really good. "Thats number 700, motherfuckas" said Bim, as we finished up the final beer. Another successful night, we drunkenly stumbled home to rest up before starting all over again at the Luau.

My Name is Hurricane Earl

As many of you that can actually read know, we live in the Virginia Beach area, an area which is prone late in every summer to be a potential target for hurricanes. Now, we have been lucky as to not have had any major storms like Andrew or Hugo, but we have had some pretty big storms wash out the area (namely a sweet Category one bitch named Isabelle). Knowing that any storm could wreak havoc and chaos, we looked on anxiously as Hurricane Earl loomed offshore. Prince Mike, who while majoring in 15th century Moroccan Architecture at Florida A&M University, had also minored in meteorology. His detached garage houses a virtual NOAA approved weather station, filled with quadrupel big fucking doppler radars, so he had been tracking the movements of this potential monster ever since it was launched of the coast of Africa. Knowing that the storm could swerve and slam head on into us, he and Snap Bean decided to host a rare Thursday night hurricane flamingo party to snub our noses at the impending peril at our doorstep. The boys of the BC4M decided to make it a regular meeting and showed up with all the essentials to survive a storm, namely, high alcohol beers. First up was Lagunitas Hop Stoopid Ale (8.0%) which was delightfully hoppy and smooth, almost up there with the quintessential double IPA, Pliny the Elder. This one started the night off strong and we gave it a really good. Next was a Southern Tier Unearthly IPA (11.0%). Southern Tier either is either hit or miss, they either swing for the fences and get a bloop single or strike out looking, so we didn't expect much from this one. Way too sweet for an IPA, it was relatively smooth but was a sure letdown from the first beer so it only rated a so-so. Boulevard Brewing's Double Wide IPA (8.5%) was opened next. Self describes as "twister-proof" and bottle conditioned, this one had a unique dry hopped flavor that was quite tasty so it rated a good. While Prince Mike brought up a multicolored scan of the storm's track on his 63 inch plasma display, we cracked into a Koning's Hoeven Quad Trappist Ale (10.0%). This was a ultra smooth elixir that tasted to Fred, "Like a boozy Welch's grape juice", while Snake said it reminded him of a dessert wine. This one got a really good as it didn't have the stuffiness that most quads have, and the alcohol didn't overpower your palate. Next were a pair of growlers freshly returned from the OBX by the resident Bc4M longboardist, J.Wilder. Outer Banks Brewing Station Hip Hop IPA (8.4%) was first, and it was about as hip hop as Bim's favorite dance tune "Circle Circle Dot Dot" . This one left us wondering WTF? as it didn't have any interesting characteristics and was simply plain so it got a so-so. Their other offering was Lemongrass Wheat Ale (5.3%) which was pure unadulterated sewer water. Crazy Ken took one taste and declared, "this is like a container of leftover carpet cleaner that has been baking in the sun for a week", while Snake vomited and then said, "I can't drink this, I already got the squirts". Sucks was the result so we moved on to Goose Island Sofie (6.5%), a Belgian style ale that is blended with barrel aged ale. This one got mixed reviews, as some felt like they were drinking a salt and pepper mill, while others gave it a good. The flavors were mixed and so it got a so-so. Two Brothers Heavy Handed Oak Foudre Aged IPA (8.1%) was on the agenda next. "Damn, I love a good fondue" said Prince Mike, until Bim looked it up and found out it the word actually meant a big oak barrel, not a boiling cauldron of delicious melted cheese. "Fucking pretentious french fucks" said Fred, as we tasted a beer that was mossy, and woody like a deciduous forest. The strange earthy tastes that lingered on the tongue caused Fred to think of barefooted ecotarians hugging giant trees and so it got a so-so. Alesmith Horny Devil (11.0%) was next, and it is a Belgian style ale brewed with coriander and belgian candy sugar. Horny devil huh?, said our occasional guest rater, Big Audio Dynamite, then why isn't my handsome mug on the bottle label, cause everybody knows I am one horny devil. This one was citrusy more than sweet and was a good. Next was a can from a Minnesota brewer we have been dying to try, Surly. Bender (5.1%) was rich and cocoa flavored with a hint of spicy smoke that caused Johnny to say, "I feel like I just woke up in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory", The vote was split, as some liked the taste, others said ehhh so it garnered a so-so. One cool thing about this brewer is that the beer comes in 16 oz cans, with some neat graphics on the side, so hopefully the others beers we try from them will taste as good as their def labeling. With the storm looking like it was going to skip by us with just a light dusting of rain, we moved on to a Deschutes Mirror Mirror (11.0%). A barleywine style beer, this one was tasty, but one of the members declared it to be the "chicken pot pie" of beers. Everybody likes chicken pot pie, so I suppose he meant that it stuck to your innards like a hearty bowl of mama's pot pie. A solid good, we then tried a beer brought back to us from Michigan by one of Fred's coworkers, Giggles Houlihan. Short's Brewing Pandemonium Pale Ale (5.4%) looked sorta like a glass of pink lemonade, full of floaties, but this was a really good beer as Prince Mike declared, "I could pound this shit all day", while Crazy Ken, suddenly becoming the enlightened beer vivant of the group , said, "smooth, but not a big set of balls". As we all chuckled, we arrived at a Green Flash Grand Cru (9.1%). This one tasted like a bigger version of a belgian wheat beer, so it only got a so-so since it had that typical clove taste that we simply haven't aquired yet. Boulder Beer Sundance Amber Ale (4.85%), was next, and the label looked like an ad for the funny as fuck film, Hot Tub Time Machine. Too bad the beer didn't live up to the movie, cause it tasted as shallow as a kiddie pool that had been urinated in by a dozen pre-k hooligans, so it got a sucks. Atwater Block Brewery Pale Ale (5.5%) was offered next and Snake said, "did they brew this shit with dingleberries instead of hops?". Another sucks, the night was starting to go downhill, so we tried a Lightning Brewing Old Tempest Ale (9.0%). This one wasn't any better as it was like drinking a dried up prune, so we poured it out and tried a Great Divide Chocolate Oak Aged Yeti (9.5%). Sporting a label that featured what looked like the CHC's own Yeti, Prince Mike, we poured what appeared to be liquid asphalt meant for the repaving of I-664. Even though the bottle promised an oak aged stout infused with cocoa and cayenne pepper, it tasted like the sweat soaked shirt of an immigrant cabbage picker. Another sucks, we began to wonder if there were any decent beers left. Another Great Divide Beer, Old Ruffian (10.2%) was a barleywine style beer that was better than the Yeti, but still only got a so-so. With the ladies mingling on the back deck discussing their upcoming wine trip, we pulled out an Arcadia Ales Cocoa Loco (7.0%). While the BC4M chief scribe (Fred) got up to blowup the lavatory, 10pm's smiling bride, Sugarshack Sadie, decided to fill in. Using her masters in secondary education, she proceeded to give a minus 2 for Arcadia's spelling of "mollasses", wrote a dissertation in our beloved journal about the joys of eating molasses cookies as a little girl on the family commune in Utah, and then tasted the beer and declared, "its fucking good!'. Knowing full well that her vote counted as much as a vegetarian's at a Texas cattle ranch, she glared at us with disdain as we gave it a so-so. Boulder Beer Company Flashback India Style Brown Ale (6.8%) was next, and it was another so-so, since it was watery and lacked any conviction. Sadie decided to add her 5 cents and declared it a "sucks", just as Fred returned from the loo. Brewdog Paradox Isle of Arran (10%) was opened next. A stout aged in Isle of Arran whiskey barrels (I didn't know Iranians were allowed to drink whiskey opined Crazy Ken), this one was according to Wilder with a grin on his face "sweet as fuck, but goes down good". Finally, a good rating was given, but the party was winding down. Many of the guests had to work the next day, so we adjourned for the evening, thankful that the storm was going to miss us, and glad we got to drink a few decent beers. As we left, Bim and Wilder, suggested we drink a couple of more beers so we made our way down the street to Bim's for a night cap. We opened the final two beers of the night, Boulder Beer Company Mojo Risin Double IPA (7.8%) was first, and it was about as much a double IPA as a Bud Select 55. Watery and not hoppy in the least, this one got a so-so. The final beer of the night was a Breckenridge Brewing Extreme ESB (7.8%). Maybe it was the stomach full of cheese dip and pretzels, or perhaps it was the earlier 21 beer salute we had for Old Earl, but this one didn't have any legs to it and it was only a so-so. It was well past midnight by now, so we decided to call it an evening and stumble home. Another smashing success, we had ridden the storm out and anxiously awaited our next chance to taste new beers.