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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Saturday, June 12, 2010

World Beer Festival-Richmond

And so the fateful day had arrived. The World Beer Festival was a mere hour and half away in the state capital. The event was scheduled to start at high noon, and the weatherman had promised a cloudless day filled with high humidity and scorching heat. Bim, Fred, Johnny Wilder, D-Rail along with Fred and John's lovely brides squeezed into the Milf Machine (i.e. Mrs. Wilder's soccer mom van) to begin the journey up I-64 to the mecca of brewdom. Anyone who has made the trek from Chesapeake to Richmond at any time other than perhaps 3 a.m. on a Sunday morning can attest to the fact that it takes a shit load of time to go the roughly 90 miles distance. In hindsight, we should have left at 9 instead of 10 to account for all the tourists motoring along with no where to go (other than to piss us the hell off). In fact, one particular stretch of highway had us encounter a 5-car posse of corn fed folks from Indiana. One of the cars was driven by famous bootlegger Shotgun Granny Slaybaugh and she blocked Johnny time and time again with her NASCAR inspired driving maneuvers until he gave her the classic Shake and Bake technique and left her and her kinfolk in the rear view mirror. After we toiled up the interstate with the J-man weaving in and out of traffic like a scene from the all time classic guy flick Smokey and the Bandit (anyone that doesn't like that movie is either a buffoon, a commie or just plain dumb), we arrived in downtown Richmond about 30 minutes into the festivities. D-Rail was the only member of the group without a VIP ticket but we went to that entrance anyway. Bim convinced the ladies working the counter that D-Rail was his bastard love child from his time working as a freelance gynecologist in a Cambodian orphanage during the late 70's and that this was the first time they had seen each other in 18 years. Somehow, they bought the story and D-Rail got the VIP pass for free. We were off to the races, and we arrived to the VIP tent to find a gourmet buffet, a 2 man jazz ensemble and a plethora of beers only available in the tent. Amazingly, the festival was hardly crowded at all, but perhaps the hot weather and early start time had convinced most folks to attend the second session that was to happen later in the day. Regardless, we were stoked to find out we had the place virtually to ourselves. We found a empty table in the VIP tent and hunkered down for a 3 and a half hour drink-a-thon. The beers in our tent were first on our list and since we tasted so many, we will just tell you what they were and what we thought of each one. Great Divide Hercules Double IPA (10%) was an ass kicker, and one of the servers said "damn, a double IPA to start the day?, you guys are nuts". He obviously was unaware that the shirts we wore for the occasion (the freshly designed second offering from the BC4M apparel collection) bore the famous lineup of beers from Popcorn Sutton night and that we were in fact not the typical college Bud Light drinkers he would be serving for the majority of the day. Full Sail Premium Session Dark Lager (5.4%) was a very good 6-pack type of beer, Rogue Loyal Companion Brewers Ale (9.0%) was shitty and dry as melba toast, Brooklyn Brewery Sorachi Ale (7.6%) was crappy, like a bad version of Sam Adams Summer Ale. Uinta 16th Anniversary Barleywine (10.4%) was decent and not too sweet, The Bruery's Orchard White (5.7%) was crisp, light, and fruity but also very good. Sierra Nevada Bigfoot Barleywine (9.6%) was decent, Smuttynose Star Island Single (5.6%) was absolutely terrible and was immediately poured out, while Jever Pilsner (4.9%) was a skunky mess of a pilsner. Dominion Millenium Barleywine (11.4%) was powerful yet very drinkable. Amazingly, we had already sampled 10 beers and we were only 30 minutes into the 4 hour clock. After we had a quick snack of grilled sausages, we headed out to scout out the festival grounds. There were two large tents that had 4 rows of booths under each one, so we went to the first tent and began our quest. Before we had arrived, we put together a game plan than would have made Bill Parcells proud. To allow us a decent chance at trying 50 beers, we eliminated every beer we had previously tried and also said no the all the hard ciders available (so that the ladies in attendance can have more to drink said Fred). From the outside booths of the first tent we had the following; Full Sail Amber Ale (5.5%) which was so-so, Gaffel Kolsch (4.8%) which was like drinking a grape Nehi soda, Fordham Helles Lager (5.1%) (colored water that sucked), Fordham Copperhead Ale (4.7%) which was ok, Cottonwood Endo IPA (5.9%) which tasted like bad buttered popcorn, Extra Billy's Red Ale (4.65%) and Pilsner (6.25%) which were both horrid, as if Billy forgot that beer actually has 4 main ingredients (he only got the water part correct), Victory Helios (7.5%) was pure garbage and Heavy Seas Smoke on the Water (8.0%) which was excellent and very smooth. Undeterred, we moved on and ran into one of Fred's lovely coworkers (who was darting in and out of each tent like a cobra in an attempt to float every keg of hard cider she came across). We tried a Weyerbacher Heresy (8.2%) which was simply awesome, and although not quite an RFG, we liked this one alot. We will definitely give this one another chance as it is sweet, smokey and delicious. The inside booths of tent #1 featured the following; Kona Wailua Wheat (5.4%) that was good even though it is made with passion fruit (and yes we did drink it ladies), Pyramid Curveball (5.0%) which was so-so, although the girls pouring it loved our blog, Legend Golden Ale (7.0%) was peppery but good, 21st Amendment Golden Doom (8.2%) was a Belgian style ass ale, North Coast Brother Thelonious (9.4%) was an Abbey style bowl of fruity pebbles, Bards Gold Sorghum Malt (4.6%) was a gluten free beer that tasted like Rice Chex cereal, Brooklyn Brewery Brooklyn Blast (8.2%) was another Belgian disaster, Harlem Beer Company Sugar Hill Golden Ale (4.0%) was absolute crap, but featured the girls from Zamundah in Eddie Murphy's Coming to America as servers and Urthel Saisonniere (6.0%) which while fruity and spicy, was actually ok. We went back to check on the wives and found that they had made a friend at the Woodchuck Cider display. They said they were set since they could guzzle all the cider they wanted, so we ate some more sausages and went back to find out what other beers were available. It was around 2:30, so we knew we had a little bit of time, but we were feeling the effects from the sun beating down on us like we were on a forced march through the Mojave desert. Undaunted, we heard our fearless leader J. Wilder do his best Anchorman impression as he yelled out "BC4M, Assemble!" The second tent was on the eastern horizon as we maneuvered along the banks of Brown's Island with what seemed like scant hope of reaching our 50 beer quest. From the second tent we had Brewdog 5AM Saint (5.0%) and Brewdog Hardcore (9.2%) which were both very good, Bluegrass Brewing Co. American Pale Ale (5.79%) which sucked, Boulder Beer Co. Cold Hop (6.5%) which was good while their Sweaty Betty (5.9%) was gross, although the heavily pierced and tatted server caught D-Rails eye. Blue Point Toasted Lager (5.3%) was soapy tasting, Blue Point Summer Ale (4.39%) was poop and Blue Point Blueberry Ale (4.6%) was just plain weird like a alcoholic Pop-Tart. Williams Brothers Joker IPA (5.0%) had a good label and that's about it, Breckenridge Avalanche Amber Ale (5.41%) sucked, D.L. Geary's Summer Ale (6.0%) and Pale Ale (4.5%) were both so-so. Wurzburger Hofbrau Pilsner (5.42%) was sucky, Heineken Dark (5.17%) was actually decent, while Williamsburg Ale Works Coffee House Stout (5.4%) tasted like a stale frappe and the Williamsburg Ale Works White Ale (4.5%) was awful. Gordon Biersch Sommerbrau (4.6%) was quite tasty, Lion Brewery's Stegmaier Amber Lager (5.3%) was ok, Laos Brewery's Beerlao Dark Lager (6.5%) was like drinking Ho Chi Minh's bedpan leavings, Spaten Munich Dunkel (5.5%) was good, Blue Mountain Rockfish Wheat (5.4%) sucked and Basteels Brewery Triple Karmiliet (8.4%) was so-so. As we stumbled back to the tent to find the girls, we realized we had just crossed the 50 beer plateau. The festival was coming to an end, and we made our way to the exit. We were all somehow still thirsty (perhaps it was the 3 hours in the 100 degree heat), so we decided to head to the Capitol Ale House. If you haven't experienced it, the Capitol Ale House is a Richmond landmark. With 4 locations, this is the place to go for a beer selection that would rank among the best in the world. They generally have 40-50 beers on tap (ON TAP) along with anywhere between 200 to 300 different bottled beers to choose from. We decided to try a Legend Brewing Maibock (6.6%) while we waited on our waitress. This beer was clean crisp and tasty and it rated a very good. As we waited, dark clouds rolled overhead and since it didn't appear as if our server was returning to take our orders we decided to go grab a bite to eat at another Richmond institution, Bottoms Up Pizza. We arrived in time to grab a seat on the patio and sample some of the best pizza around. While we ate the pizza, we decided we needed to try another beer. Only one beer on the menu was new to us, so we each got a 22 oz Lagunitas IPA (5.7%). Nothing beats a cold beer and a big ass pizza (except maybe a cold beer and a well you get the idea) and this IPA was very smooth without being overly hoppy. Exhausted form the days activities, we decided it was time to head home. We stopped at the nearest Redbox and picked up a copy of J. Wilders autobiography (the previously mentioned Anchorman) to watch on the way home. Most of us were passed out within the first 20 minutes of the movie. The long hot day had indeed taken its toll on the BC4M. But our quest to sample 50 new beers was surpassed as we had somehow made it to a grand total of 53. It wasn't easy, but it was one hell of a ride. For those of you who haven't met us, there is a picture on that shows the 4 hooligans that showed up to the festival proudly sporting their new club t-shirts. Just search under "spotted at the world beer festival" and you will eventually come across our picture. Of course, the jabroni who took the pic and interviewed us somehow spelled each of our names wrong (how can you mess up Fred Flintstone?), but at least you can see the men behind the sombreros. We are now fast approaching beer number 500 and as promised, we will break the seal on what is supposedly the best beer in the world, the legendary Westvleteren-12. Until next time dear readers, we leave you with the immortal words of famed beer guzzler W.C. Fields who said, "Everybody has to believe in something..I believe I will have another drink".


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