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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

IPA night

When we started this little drinking group we generally would pick a theme and get beers of the same type or maybe even ones from the same region of the world for our tastings. For the past few months, we had gotten off course and would simply pick 10-15 random beers of various styles and have our night of revelry. Fred suggested we partake in an IPA night, since we do love the "Hop Grenades" of the beer world. We met at Fred's spacious Georgian style manor home for an evening that would make any humulus (thats the latin name for hops you dumb dumbs) fan envious. Just returned from his win at the 4th annual endangered species fish-a-thon amidst the crocodile infested wetlands of southeastern Thailand (where he speared five mekong delta catfish and one rice farmer by mistake), Snake had wrangled up a bottle of Moylan's Hopsickle Imperial Ale (9.2%). Triple hoppy screamed the label, but this stuff was so dry that if you poured it into your pool, the pool would most likely evaporate. "Drier than a sun-washed beach towel" said Bim, as we clamored for a glass of water to quench our parched tongues. The taste was decent, but since it made us suffer from dehydration, we gave it a so-so. Next was a Weyerbacher Double Simcoe IPA (9.0%) that was supposedly almost as smooth as J. Wilder's self proclaimed freshly shaved teabag. Unlike hearing the details of his shorn marble holder this one is a true winner and got a solid good. Our next beer hailed from our friends in Athens, Ga, Terrapin Hop Karma IPA (6.0%). Boasting a label that featured Yertle the Turtle playing the sitar while drinking what must have been a grande lassi chai sharbet, this IPA meets brown ale promised "peace love and hoppiness", but instead was more malty than hoppy. Unfortunately, this amalgamation of ideas was about as successful as Crystal Pepsi so it got a so-so. Smuttynose Big 'A' IPA (9.6%) was opened next. The bottle label featured a photo of Frank the Tank wearing his trademark choad humpers from his days as a boxer at the U.S. Naval Academy. Tank (or Francis the Mauler as he was known back then) was a three-time welterweight boxing champ during his years in Annapolis. His legendary first round beat down of the then undefeated Army Cadet Jimmy "Irish Car Bomb" O'Hoolihan at the 1978 All-Military boxing championship cemented his status as the "pimp balla" of the armed forces. This beer was drinkable, and like a good roundhouse punch from Tank, packed a decent kick so it got a good. A local brewer, St. George's IPA (5.0%) was next and what a disappointment this swill turned out to be. Hop and flavor free, this was twelve ounces of pure dumpster juice that was simply awful. "This shit sucks ass" screamed Bim, while Fred suggested it would make a good paint remover. We thankfully moved on to Stoudt's Double IPA (10.0%) which boasted the highest ABV of the night. This amber colored vixen however was deceptive as she was more sweet than hoppy and tasted more like a doppelbock rather than an IPA. The sugary flavor dominated and little or no hops was detected. It rated a so-so. Great Divide Titan IPA (7.1%) was described as "assertive and aromatic" yet Snake exclaimed, "this crap is flatter than Kate Hudson". More piney than citrusy, the taste wasn't terrible even if it did seem like the boys left out the carbonation, so it only rated a so-so. Lagunitas Maximus IPA (7.5%) bore the typical left wing gibberish that we have come to expect from these brewing granolas. Bim shared with the group the obviously hemp fueled ramblings found on the label that extolled the virtues of "tattoos, nipple piercings and hummers". "Damn, who wouldn't want to belly blast a temptress with that lineup?" said Fred, as we drank this amazingly good brew. Even though it has over 70 IBU's, it isn't overly hoppy yet it is still quite tasty. Steamworks Conductor Imperial IPA (9.24%) was on tap next. The label on the bottle showed a picture of famed railroad engineer Casey Jones's lesser known half-step brother, Hiram Ignacious Jones, whose claim to fame was engineering a record breaking run from Peoria to Tallahassee aboard the Cleveland Steamer in 1921. Blending the three American hops (Warrior, Simcoe and Tomahawk) this was spicy and sweet, with a good amount of maltiness. This indeed was a very good beer and left us wanting more. The next to last beer of the night was from our new friends in Ohio, Hoppin' Frog Hoppin' To Heaven IPA (6.8%). Again, we had received an IPA that wasn't overpoweringly hoppy yet tasted pretty good. We ended the evening with a Stone Cali-Belgique Belgian IPA (6.9%). Stone makes a damn fine beer, but why the hell they decided to continue the pussification of American beer drinking by taking their already wonderful Stone IPA and using Belgian yeast instead of the normal stuff is a mystery. What you get is a mixture better suited for use in cleansing medical instruments. Absolutely asstastic, this fermented batch of skunk urine was utterly disgusting and got a rating of sucks. With that, we adjourned the meeting, but only after Bim made us howl with laughter as he reproduced his infamous "cock of the walk" maneuver while stumbling out the door. Just imagine the sight of him baying at the moon like a preening bantam rooster as he navigated the porch steps and you will understand how we basically laughed our asses off. Maybe next time we will be lucky enough to get video proof to share. Until next time we leave you with the Jay-Z line " I got 99 donuts cause a bitch ate one"


Anonymous said...

I'm campaigning to bring Crystal Pepsi back!
~The Lady Cobra