Cinco de Mayo en el Circulo de Cesped

Buenos nachos, mi amigos y amigas, donde esta tu cervezas? Once again, Cinco de Mayo had arrived, so we decided to throw a little neighborhood party down near Snake and Bim's to celebrate the wonderful heritage that our compadres to the south (well at least the ones that haven't hopped the border and settled here illegally) have. Wives, kids, new neighbors and many of the BC4M members (except for D-Rail who was busy translating for a landscaping crew and couldn't make it) all descended on the 1/16th acre of weeds we proudly know as the circle of sod. Sure, there is even some family history involved too. Fred said he fondly recalled listening to his grandfather revel in stories of how great grand pappy General Beauregard Chimichanga led his band of rebels (i.e. Southern boys) up and down the east coast planting all those pesky South of the Border billboards for his amigo bueno Pedro. Toiling in the hot sun all those days gave the boys a thirst for the craft brews that Pedro used to smuggle from his homeland, beers long since lost to history. Home brews such as "el diablo del mantequilla" which roughly translates into "the devil's ball sweat", and "gallito del lugar" which means "the spitting rooster" were beers that were meant to be savored not swilled. To honor all the hard work that our forefathers had put in while blazing that path of day-glo kitsch along I-95, we decided to sample a few of the best cervezas we could get our hands on. First up was Dos Equis Lager Especial (5.0%). Just because you write the word 'especial' on the bottle doesn't mean its actually any good. Typical of the cerveza style, this beer is thin and drinkable, but why in the world would you pay more than say 5 pesos for this garbage. Sure, they actually have a great ad campaign going on right now (featuring Bims look-alike twin brother, the World's Most Interesting Man), but hey muchachos, if you spent half your ad money on ingredients maybe this beer would get more than a so-so. We then tried a can of Modelo Especial (4.4%). A pilsner style beer, this is watery, but decent. Next was Bohemia Clasica (5.3%) which is a special brew that zee Germans brought with them while they were looking for artifacts in the Mexican jungles during Raiders of the Lost Ark. Another thin, watery bottle of mediocrity, the best thing about this was the cool pic on the label of that great Aztec King, Chief Big Cock Feather. If he actually had to drink this crap,he might have thrown every Kraut beer maker working in Cancun off the temple as a sacrifice. History books say smallpox wiped out the natives when the Conquistadors arrived in Mexico, but we think it might have been this beer that did it. America's favorite bottles of nothingness, Corona (4.6%) and Corona Light (4.1%) were next. Who in America hasn't fallen prey to the clever marketing schemes of this friend of the beach. A cold Corona and a slice of lime and your an instant cliche. Even if your local watering hole is serving a whole bucket of these "beers" for 5 bucks, they are still RIPPING you off. After drinking the Corona Light, Bim said, "now I know what the hell Rogue means when their bottles say free range coastal waters";"They must be using Corona light instead of water". With the exception of Prince Corona Mike, all hands said so-so and sucks to the beers even Mexicans turn their noses up at. We then opened up a Dos Equis Amber (4.5%) which Fred called "a dark version of nothingness". Its no damn wonder they are clamoring to come up here, their beer fucking sucks. Another in a long line of so-so's. The next to last Mexican beer of the night was Tecate (4.5%). No flavor at all, this beer seemed lazy and lacked any distinctive characteristics at all. Hell, if we bottled some of our home brews and labeled them "cerveza", we all could probably be able to retire. Sol (4.5%) was the last of the hop and malt free beverages we were to try for the evening. Imagine if you will a long hot day of yard work (and yes of course I know what your thinking about Mexicans and yard work, where are you D-Rail?). Now after you take a shower to rinse off the grime, you collect the shower runoff and bottle it. Congratulations, you just made your first bottle of Sol. We couldn't end this festive night on a down note, so Wilder brought out a few new nuggets to try. Avery Brewing and Russian River's Collaboration not Litigation Ale (8.91%) was a very spicy wheat style beer that had a distinctive clove taste that drove us to score this a so-so to good. We then opened a Southern Tier Krampus (9.0%) which is a Helles style lager. Helles is German for "light" and these beers are otherwise known as pale lagers. The writing on the bottle described the story of the Krampus, which is this horned creature that goes out with Jolly old Saint Nick during Christmas and punishes the bad kids. One member thought Krampus was, "the feeling you get when you drink the water while on vacation in Guatemala". Southern Tier makes some weird ass beers, most of which suck, but this one was actually good. Snake then pulled out a Harpoon Summer Beer (5.0%). This is a Kolsch style beer ( a lager style beer that is actually made with ale yeast). This is a great beer for drinking on a hot summer day, light and refreshing and it rated a good. Since we had tried a bunch of light beers all evening, the final two beers for the night were considerably stronger. Sierra Nevada's 30th Anniversary Stout XXX (9.5%) was next . Sporting a slick looking bottle, we expected a bonafide gem when we poured a round. Fred declared it was like drinking a bottle of liquid smoke. A second glance at the bottle stated that the founder of Anchor Brewing, Fritz Maytag had come back to brew this special beer. Fred said, "Maybe Fritz should either go back to selling washing machines or back in freaking retirement cause this stuff sucks". Finally, we had a second tasting of New Holland Dragon's Milk (10.0%). From their "high gravity" series this garnered a so-so cause most members took a big sip and then realized they were actually drinking a cheap-ass bourbon. Definitely take your time with this one, it isn't a beer to shotgun. The night had come to an end, but the adventure never ends. Until our next rendezvous, Stay thirsty my friends...