Snake's Meatfest 2013

Snake is a carnivore. If it breathes, he wants to slice it into chunks, grind it into sausage, and fry that shit up. Thus, the Meatmaster himself offered to host a meeting, complete with a collection of wild game sausages (elk, venison,buffalo, boar, and jackalope). The usual suspects showed up, along with a couple of Bim's favorite patients (who will hereby be refered to as the Captain and Tennille in order to preserve their anonymity and reputations) gathered in Snake's palatial palace to eat meat and discuss all things beer. The Captain had recently returned from the great city of Ithaca, and presented us with the gift of beer in the form of  a few great Ithaca beers. We started the night with one of those beers, Ithica Fourteen (8.1%). This hoppy black ale, was a pretty decent beer to start with, rating a good. Kissmeyer Beer Co's My Two Front Teeth (7.5%) was a Christmas beer. It wasn't that good. Maybe it would have been better if we drank it closer to Christmas, but we're not fucking Superman and we can't turn back time, so the rating stands as a so/so. If you are an employee of the Kissmeyer Beer Company and are offended by that rating, you can suck it! After a while, conversation turned to the new Anheuser-Busch offering, Black Crown. As Johnny described it, Black Crown tastes like Bud Light, but with more body. It's as if they forgot to use the special filter that removes the urine from the bottle! Two Roads Honeyspot Road (6%) was a weak, watery, girly beer, a so/so at best. Is Honeyspot Road where all the shitty beers go to die? Two Roads Workers Comp Saison (4.8%) absolutely sucked! Amazingly bad...stop brewing. Crazy thought it was so bad he wished that they made something like Nasty Habit for people that would keep them from drinking shit like this. Next up was a homebrew from Crazy Ken, affectionately named Ken's Jungle Fever, a whiskey barrel stout. By far one of Ken's best beers, it rated a good. Four Friends Brewing's Santa's Dirty Little Secret (9.1%) had one of the best labels we've ever seen. Unfortunately the beer wasn't as good, rating only a good. Kosacken-Hantverksbryggeriet Imperial Stout (7%) was a good beer, but forgettable. Avery's Uncle Jacob's Stout (17.42%) was a little boozy, but oh so good, the first really good beer of the night! Next we did a beer cocktail, mixing the Southern Tier Creme Brulee Stout with their Pumpking. On their own they are decent. Together, it's desert in a pint glass. Back to the tasting... Avery's Marooned on Hog Island (7.9%) is an oyster stout. Crisp and clean, but a little light in the body. It was at this point in the evening that the talk turned to IPA's. Our guest, The Captain, an IPA lover, had never had a Pliny the Elder. Lucky for him, Snake had a fresh cold one in the fridge. Maybe next time we'll treat him to a Heady Topper! Appalachian Brewing Co. Ragged Edge Expresso Stout (4.6%) was a good beer. Strong coffee, but overall very nice. By this time in the night, the writing in the book was getting a little shaky. The scribe was apparently getting drunk...no surprise there. The last two beers were ones that somehow snuck under the radar for years, Augustiner-Brau Maximator (7.5%) and Spaten Optimator (7.5%). Both beers were dopplebocks, and both were solid goods. That may sound like a pretty weak collection of beers for the BC4M, but if you check out the picture above, you'll see several previously rated beers that were thrown in as "palate cleansers". That's right, we drink BA Boris the Crusher, Sexual Chocolate, and Cafe Royale as palate cleansers. What you'd think we'd use, Black Crown??? We leave you with a Valentine's treat from our favorite web "meatmasters", the boys from Epic Mealtime.

2012...Going, going, GONE!

Another year down, as the BC4M turned three in 2012. Time to look back at our accomplishments from the past year.

The Beers: We drank a shit ton of beer, and are fast closing in on 3000 beers rated. We drank some great ones too, thanks mainly to Fred and his army of traders across the country. Utopias, Westvleteren 12, Heady Topper (lots of Heady Topper), Black Tuesday, Grey Monday and Chocolate Rain, and who can forget Lawson's Finest Double Sunshine and Three Floyd's Zombie Dust! We tasted some great beers from Hill Farmstead too, but we can't say where we got them as they get a little weird about that stuff. And, we lost a few good friends in 2012 as well. Pliny the Elder, our dear old friend, was dethroned as the king of the IPA's by the aforementioned Heady Topper. When his boy Younger gets bottled, the Pliny name may rise again. Until then, fuck you old man!

Fred: His hoarding continues, despite our best efforts to reduce it's size. He currently has a small pathway through the house, with beer stacked 6 feet high on either side. His bedroom is completely full, and he and Nestle have been sleeping in the bathtub. He hasn't seen his son (who resides in a inaccessible section of the house) in over a month. Despite this, he continues to deny there is a problem.

Snake: This year Snake realized his dream of killing one of every species of animal on the endangered species list. He ate such delicacies as fried snail darter and roasted spotted owl. He also travelled to India where he bought a couple slightly used livers on the illegal organ market, and had them implanted into his ball sack.

Johnny: After spending the past year collecting vintage bikes, Johnny Wilder started his own motorcycle gang. That gang disbanded, so he started another one, and another one.

10PM: Throwing caution to the wind, 10PM managed to stay out past 10:30 at least 3 times this year. One night he actually made it to almost midnight! Well done!

Big Audio Dynamite: He continues to perfect his acting ability, recently starring in a community theater production... and without requiring any make-up!

Bim: Rumors of Bim's demise were premature. On average, a clown is killed by a psycho with an assault rifle in this country every 4 seconds, and yet we stand by idly and laugh (because clowns are funny, even when they're getting mowed down). Thankfully, Bim wasn't one of them. And remember, if you have a small child that you're really not all that fond of, Bim is available for some demented children's party entertainment that's sure to make the little bastard want to move out by the time he's 12.

Prince: Another successful year convincing all who know him that he's straight. Well done Prince, and we hope 2013 is just as successful at keeping up the elaborate charade!

Crazy Ken: Crazy Ken continues to work on his brewing skills, and this year he finally achieved his lifelong dream of figuring out how to brew Bud Light. Congratulations Ken!

OMT: Continues to fight crime wherever he finds it. Including a major bust at the local mall.

D-rail: Following his deportation, D-rail spent some quality time back in the jungles of his youth, before he was able to escape and sneak back across the border using the kind of disguise that would make a CIA operative jealous.

Frank the Tank: Having spent years attacking pirates, Tank decided to become one himself. He was last seen on the Jersey shore assembling his crew for his new;y christened ship, "Thar She Blows"

The Blog: Despite all our lame attempts to increase our international audience (primarily with the use of intriguing search terms like "cock tease of Calcutta") we remain a mostly American enterprise. We have had some recent spam from some Spanish dude with an escort service, but the douche bag didn't even have the courtesy to send us any photos. We had a big party in July celebrating the blog and all things beer, but I can't remember any of it...Supposedly, it was a lot of fun. The most popular search terms people used to find us in 2012 on Google, were the following: Lithuanian MILF; Big Black Ass; Naked Keg Stand; Poop Chart; Ron Jeremy Doggystyle; Black Women Have Milky Pussy Juice; and MILF on a Scooter. You people are sick! That said, here is a MILF on a scooter and a chick doing a keg stand. I'm sure lots more happened in 2012, but most of it we can't disclose until the statue of limitations runs out.

Following the annual New Year's Eve boozefest known as the CHC Crawl, the few members who could stand upright gathered at Bim's for a few post New Years beers. We started with an Ommegang XV Anniversary (9.6%). The packaging is awesome. Who doesn't like a giant Pringles can with beer in it? Unfortunately, it appears most of the money went towards packaging instead of brewing. This beer was a so/so at best. New Belgium is quickly becoming the Anheuser-Busch of the west coast. Too many of their beers are lackluster forgettables. Lips of Faith Coffee Chocolate Stout (9%) is the exception. This beer had a rich coffee flavor and was liked by all, rating a good. Jester King/Mikkeller Weasel Rodeo (10.1%) was smooth as silk, prompting Snake to remark, "Where are the cat turds?" This beer was rated really good. Next we opened a Cortland Sunrise Coffee Stout (6%), a so/so beer that tasted like stale Waffle House coffee. We closed the night with a Fremont B-Bomb (9.5%) which caused us to drop our own F-Bomb, as in Really Fucking Good! Sweet, boozy, awesomeness!

Thanks for checking in with us in 2012. The next year promises to be even better as we will attempt to cross the 4000 beer mark, or die trying! Stay tuned...

Hail and Farewell

About a year and a half ago, Bim, Fred and Nestle went to check out the newest brewery in our area, Beach Brewing. While in their tasting room trying some of of their frankly forgettable early efforts, we met a menacing looking fella that appeared to have just gotten back from a 3 month tour as a roadie for either Pantera or Lady Gaga, or perhaps both. We talked beers and found him to be knowledgeable and easy to talk to despite the fact he looked primed to donkey punch every one of the Jonas Brothers at a moments notice. We discussed our favorite beers, and were shocked when he mentioned he could easily name 10 IPA's better than our highly regarded Pliny the Elder. Hailing from the "meat packing" capitol of the world, Chicago, after weeks of deliberation, we christened him "Chicago Mike" and invited him to join us in our pursuit of all things craft beer. He had a major hand in creating Beach Brewing's best beer, their double IPA hop monster "Hoptopus". It was so good, Fred sent it around the country in trades and even our pals on the west coast who have had their palates wrecked by the plethora of great IPA's available out there all agreed it was phenomenal. Unfortunately, after a drunken afternoon playing "water under the bridge" style "twister" at the Brewery went a tad too far, Chicago quit and set out on his own. His first gig was driving an ice cream truck dressed as "Sprinkles the Clown", and then upon being released on bond after an all night bat mitzvah went bad (something about whipped cream and cherries), he set up a mobile car detailing team called "Wash and Blow" that promised a thorough scrub and tug with every purchase. When he wasn't busy spreading the message on the glories of a polished trailer hitch to the hordes of sailors that are stationed in our area, he was busy interviewing at various breweries around the country pitching his newest beer recipe, a 17% behemoth barleywine ale called "Moose Knuckler" that had an amazing floral nose because of all the hops he added to it. Months went by and right before Christmas, he received a call from one of America's best breweries, Fat Head's of Cleveland Ohio. They are the creators of the RFG rated double ipa, "Head Hunter", and were looking for a new "associate brewer" (i.e. glory hole cleaner), and offered him a spot on their staff after watching him make quick work of the mess in their backdoor "champagne room". He quickly accepted and made plans to be at work promptly in early January. Since most of us are veterans, we decided the only way to properly send him off was to throw a hail and farewell. Every member of BC4M arrived at Fred's for a night that had debauchery written all over it. Fred pulled out some big guns from the cellar, including previously RFG rated Heady Topper, Pliny the Elder, Westvleteren 12, Avery Rumpkin, New Glarus Raspberry Tart, and Goose Island Coffee Bourbon County Stout. Mixed in with all that greatness were some beers that frankly weren't too hot. Most rated a so/so or good, like Cigar City Florida Cracker (5.0%), Blue Point Toxic Sludge (7.0%), Great Divide 18th Anniversary (10.0%) and Dominion Double D (10.0%). However, a pair of beers were downright drainpours. Aviator Brewing Black Mamba (6.3%) was an oatmeal stout that had about as much body as a 18 yr old anorexic that had just binged and purged. "This sure as fuck aint too damn boo-coo" said Mike as Bim added, "I had a patient in today with a discharge way thicker than this crap". It was easily a sucks, while another beer got perhaps the worst rating of any we have ever tried. Surprisingly, it was 3 Floyd's Bully Guppy and it was a fucking disaster. Upon opening, it smelled like wet cat urine mixed with paint thinner. Could it taste even worse than it smelled? You bet your sweet ass it did, as Fred said, "I'll be surprised if I don't go blind drinking this poison", Wilder mentioned, "Did they fucking age this in Turpentine barrels?". "Tastes like a bad bottle of Windex" said Snake, while Bim woke up long enough to bellow, "Smells like the perfume my Thai pedicurist uses at the salon". This is without a doubt the worst beer any of us had tasted and wondered how in the fuck it made it past quality control. Two beers that did however, taste amazing, were Lawson's Finest Kiwi Double IPA (8.1%) which combined a generous grapefruit nose with a smooth lemony body that went down as easy as a two bit street urchin jonesing for a meth hit. The second was Hill Farmstead Juicy (7.4%), a slightly sour saison that balanced hops and brett with a crisp finish. Both rated really good, and just when we thought the night was ending, local pizza baron RaiderFost and his liege Reginald showed up with a bottle of Surly Darkness '12 (10.3%). Pouring as dark as the meat flaps of a Ugandan midwife, it had a silky body and was ultra smooth. It almost had a "nitro" mouthfeel, and the taste was phenomenal, full of milk chocolate and dark fruits. Easily a really good, it just missed the coveted RFG mark. We killed a few more mediocre beers afterward and the hours flew by. It was late and Mike had to get home to pack for his trip. Before he left, we presented him with a few special beers and perhaps the most fitting gift we could think of, a framed picture of his former mentor at Beach Brewing, President Steve Stifler who wrote a simple but eloquent message, "Water under the bridge" which we figured was a sweet homage to their ill fated "twister" day.

 

To our testosterone fueled brother, fair winds and following seas and long may your big jib draw

Atque in perpetuum, frater, ave atque vale.