Ice Ice Dynamite

As many of you know, the boys of the BC4M have been vainly attempting to make a palatable home brew for many years. Timeless drain pours like "Swamp Fire Ale", "Bim's Dirty Old Brown Eye" and "The Milkman Cometh" usually caused those that tasted the beers to come down with a case of dysentery, bubonic plague or more often both. Off flavors consisting of rotting cabbage, sweaty skunk taint or even Aunt Mabel's mothball ridden lingerie left most of our followers hoping and praying that we would stop the madness. But then, out of the blue, Bim came up with a homebrew recipe that was actually decent and unbelievably drinkable. "Black Dynamite" was his first foray into boozy imperial stouts and it was an instant hit. After receiving an abundance of compliments from our craft beer loving brethren, the merchandising arm of BC4M decided to come up with other recipes that used the same base but added some "flay-va, You dig?". "Pepe Dynamite" is our chili pepper infused stout that is hot enough to make a Mexican landscaper's taint weep for joy only to be followed by a intensely vanilla version we named after the only "cracka" (besides our own Johnny Wilder) who could ever pull off the douche canoe pants look paired with a Aquanet styled mane. "Ice Ice Dynamite" is our ode to one Robby Van Winkle, the lyrical daddy mack to white suburbia's favorite f-bomb dropping masochist, Eminem. Like Mix Master Jay spinning tracks on the turntable, Grand Master Bim, spent one drunken night perfecting a stout that combined non-fair trade Ethiopian cacao with deforested vanilla imported in the anal cavity of a Madagascan smuggler Bim had met  after spending one glorious evening on Skype talking their shared love of canines. "Holy fuck, Bim got one right" said Wilder, while Snake added, "You sure you brewed this?" With this unbridled support from his BC4M brothers, Bim decided to take a chance and enter both Pepe and Ice Ice in the 6th annual Virginia Beer Blitz, an annual home brew competition that had over 350 entries from 39 states and Canada. Even though Pepe actually outscored Ice Ice, they were in different categories, and at the end of a grueling 8 hour competition, a stunned Bim, Fred and Nestle heard "and the winner of the wood aged beer category, Ice Ice Dynamite". A tearful Bim raced on stage to collect his winnings and thanked the assembled crowd who appeared to be more at home at a weekend LARPer convention than a craft beer competition. On fact, one young craft beer enthusiast repeatedly begged Bim to adopt him ala Obi-Wan Kenobi to teach him his master brewing ways. "The first step, is to move out of your granny's basement you fucking tool", said Fred, while Bim coddled the young lad and whispered sweet nothings in his ear in his sweetest Herbert the Pervert voice. Before Bim could be arrested for lewd conduct, Fred and Nestle hauled him away and we headed back to the hood to celebrate in style. An amazing day indeed, we couldnt be happier for our beloved pooch pumper.
     So in honor of Bim's stunning victory at the 6th annual C.A.S.K. Virginia Beer Blitz, Fred penned an ode to his winning brew....sung to the words of the original Ice Ice Baby

Yo B.I.M, Lets Brew It

Ice Ice Dynamite, Ice Ice Dynamite
Ice Ice Dynamite, Ice Ice Dynamite

All right STOP, shut the fuck up and listen

Bim has brewed up a brand new invention

A magical elixir that drinks so nicely

Dark as a motherfucker, you'll crave it fortnightly

Will he ever stop, we don't know

But Bim is a certified award winning mofo

Expecting to win it was never a gamble

Pontificating on stage like the motherfucking preamble

Boom, a wave of vanilla hits the room

Wetting your tongue like a dope ass waterflume

Boozy, when it stings your throat

Drink too much, and it's time to motorboat

Titties, whether big or small

Bim is the Doctor who's always on call

Silky as it makes its way

Down to your stomach it's a taste buffet

Ice Ice Dynamite, Ice Ice Dynamite

Ice Ice Dynamite, Ice Ice Dynamite

   To all our homies across the land....Word to Yo Mother! We outta here bitches...

A BC4M Intervention

While all the BC4M members love beer, one member in particular, Fred, has taken things to the extreme. Fred has more quality beers stashed around his house than most reputable beer stores have on their shelves. Need a Firestone Walker Abacus? Fred has a case. How about 6 years worth of Bourbon County stouts? Got that too. And Bruery's Black Tuesday? There as plentiful as whores in a whorehouse. Lately, the Founding Fathers expressed concern that Fred's buying and trading habits may be getting out of control. We decided to stage an intervention. Under the guise of a Bourbon County Stout vertical tasting, the founding fathers gathered at 10pm's. Once we'd all arrived, Bim appeared, dressed as Candy Finnigan. As the others sat quietly and with Fred obviously confused, Bim began... "Fred, your addiction has negatively affected me in the following ways: you have made me feel inferior with your superior beer collection. With my confidence shattered, I am now getting humped by my dog on a regular basis. If you don't stop hoarding beers, I will no longer be a clown for you. You need to accept this gift we are offering you." "Fuck you!" snarled Fred. Next up was Johnny. "Fred, your beer hoarding has negatively affected me in the following ways: Well, it really hasn't hurt me at all. Keep up the strong work buddy!" As we got to 10pm, he pulled out his written speech. "Fred, your crazy behavior has negatively affected me as well. The constant pet molestation, running through the neighborhood naked and masturbating in the mailboxes has got to stop. Yesterday I caught you defecating on my lawn. You are terrorizing all the neighbors and we wont take it anymore.The clown makeup was humorous initially, now it's just downright disturbing." Fred looked astonished. "What the hell are you talking about?" A sheepish 10pm replied, "Oops, wrong speech. That one's for Bim's intervention next week." Now it was Snake's turn. "I don't know what the fuck you assholes are even talking about... I'm dry as toast. Let's drink!" And that we did, starting with a 2006 Goose Island Bourbon County Brand stout right on through 2012. Then it was off to a 2011 Bourbon County Coffee and a 2011 Bourbon County Stout Bramble Rye Barrel. While each year had some specific nuances, they all held up well. The 2006, while a paltry 11% ABV,  was smooth as silk, almost syrupy. 2007 (13%) was more carbonated and lighter. 2008 was more reminiscent of 2006, heavier and sweeter. 2009 was a tad flat, but still awesome. 2010 was the best yet, boozy, rich and smooth. 2011, while still an RFG, was the highest yet in alcohol at 14.5%, and should definitely improve with age. With the vertical complete, we changed gears and tasted a 2010 Bourbon County Coffee Stout, a 2011 Bourbon County Bramble Rye, and a 2010 Vanilla all of which are still RFG's. And to finish the night, we ended with a 2010 Bourbon County Rare. After his first sip, Snake exclaimed, "I just busted a nut in my pants! Damn this is good!" Time will tell how Goose Island does under the direction of Annheiser Busch. With the intervention over and the only thing accomplished being lessening Fred's cellar by 11 beers, we headed home as we had a 6AM wake-up call for a trip to Hardywood Park Brewery in Richmond for their release of the Gingerbread Stout. Stay tuned for more on that. Cheers!

Beer Reviews, BC4M Style

Are you one of those douchers that loves beer reviews? We have 3 of them for you. The first is one we did of our own shitty home brews. The second is one of our favorites from the wordsmith EconomicIrony from Beeradvocate.com. This guy can describe a beer better than most cicerones! The last review is that of a beer that is truly horrible. It was an Indian beer that surely is only preferred by the same folks who brought us the ''Cock Tease of Calcutta".  And yes, the mention of this mythical Indian slut is a cheap attempt to inflate our numbers by drawing in our friends from Bombay.

Hopslam clone

You one of those snifter sipping ninnies who likes long detailed beer reviews? We are here to accommodate. While we usually save the flowery reviews for really great beers, we can be as verbose as the next beer snob when the situation calls for it. From time to time we too try our hand at brewing. The following is our own Michael Jacksonesque beer review of the most recent attempt at a Hopslam clone.

 "Looking at this beer in the bottle, it reminds one of Lake Erie, circa 1965, long before the passing of the Clean Water Act. Thick in the bottle, cloudy, lots of floating particles, you just know that this is going to be a treat! What is all that stuff? Yeast? Bacteria? old stuff from bottles that haven't been cleaned? YES, it's all that and more. Pouring this beer into a frosty mug reveals a 12 finger head. The foam sticks to the sides of the glass like tan latex paint, as the beer bubbles and churns like a witches cauldron. Take a long deep whiff. The pungent smell of rotting garbage mixed with an overpowering dose of hops stings the nostrils. Festering pluff mud, raw sewage and the smell of a 2 week old dead possum on a hot August day fills your senses. As much as you may want to immediately drink this beer, fight the urge. Savor the nose just a little longer. This isn't an experience that you get every day. The rancid fragrance brings you back to the urine soaked nursing home where you visited great aunt Phyllis as a child. You know, the one who liked to stuck her withered old tongue in your ear when you were forced into uncomfortably close contact. Now slowly, bring this baby to your lips. As it enters your mouth, you immediately taste sweet honey rolling across your tongue, lingering for only a millisecond and followed immediately by the distinct taste of liquid Drano. Pickle juice, stinky french cheese, and cauliflower are apparent, as is just a hint of brussel sprouts and spoiled milk. The complexity of this brew is truly astounding. Go ahead, close your eyes and take a long draw. You instantly get the image of drinking goat urine with hints of congealed blood and feces. Is this beer special? You bet! We have tasted thousands of beers, and yet there is nothing that compares to this "devil's brew". Belching reveals a toxic gas cloud the likes of which hasn't been seen since Bhopal, India circa 1984. There's no doubt that you've had a one-off masterpiece, brewed with impeccable craftsmanship. Food pairings are a dream with this beer. We recommend pairing with Imodium, Maalox, and if you're planning on drinking more than one, a healthy helping of ipecac. Our hats off to the BC4M master brewers on another unique offering to the craft beer world."

And you know what??? It was still better than Hell or High Watermelon Wheat! If you are a professional brewer and want the recipe, hit us up. We'd love to share it with the world!

Anti-hero IPA

The following is a fantastic, descriptive beer review by Econimocirony at Beeradvocate.com.

"Walking  back to your Bridgeport flat at night; gripping your church key for the twit who tries to make off with the seventeen dollars in your pocket; you can’t help but reluctantly notice the city’s new cohort of young trollops multiplying across your back alley and front step alike. No corner goes unadorned as they mount themselves to the chipped, green primer on the avenues’ lampposts and entice you with their slim figures borne of a steady diet comprised of apricot flavored cigarettes and White Castle sliders. You’re headed home, but weren’t expecting to now. The boss told you to take a vacation - probably forever. Her immaturity, dim-wits, and newly purchased fishnets go hand-in-hand, so you invite her in. She calls you daddy, so you scold her and tell her to shut up. Nothing fits her right. The AquaNet hairspray she applied this afternoon as she rolled out of bed at 3:30pm has now cracked; flaking like the white stain on her black, loosely ill-fitting B-cup brassiere - thanks to genetics, she got at least two “A”s in her life. She needs a place to stay: you only have seventeen dollars, minus the amount you were planning on spending for dinner at the Bucky’s gas station. Again, she’s thin, rail thin; she would look fuller if she didn’t immerse herself in Tropical Agent Orange spray tan, which is nothing more than not-so-cleverly disguised Kool-Aid concentrate; sailors call it bug juice. Despite your efforts to engage her with offers of hand-rolled clove beedis and a tipple of Rittenhouse Rye, she immediately goes flat and reveals her insipid personality. The remnant aroma of what she smoked and ate last night had more character than the hoax of her projected imagination, which was nothing more than repeating punch lines from sitcoms and laughing first every time. With each sip, you wished she at least had the bubbly demeanor of a neophyte, but she bypassed the best part in favor of a feigned bitterness that faded as she lost interest. You follow suit upon finishing, but quickly realize you’ve committed for the remainder of the week; she’s staying five more days. You’ve been had, friend; you probably could have done a better job yourself. Look on the bright side; at least your dinner at Bucky’s exceeded your expectations: you still have your seventeen dollars and they carry Sculpin IPA in the icebox now.

Serving type: can"

Well said sir! Reading this one can almost taste the beer!


Flying Horse

And lastly, the BC4M review of an Indian classic, Flying Horse Lager, as read by Master Cicerone Dr. Suess:

I would not drink this with a fox,
I would not drink it in a box;

Not in a box, not with a fox,
It tastes like shit and smells like socks;

This beer they call the Flying Horse,
It tastes of stool, no surprise of course;

It says that it's a lager beer,
But smells quite like a horses rear;

Was Ganges water used to brew?
And hops? Seems like they forgot that too;

I would advise you pour this out,
It will give you the runs and probably gout;

No, I will not drink this Indian swill;
You shouldn't either, or you'll be ill.

Now for some of our own tasteless reviews from a recent meeting. We started the night with Mother Earth Old Neighborhood Oatmeal Porter (9.9%). This beer was so/so. A little too light and watery, although not at all offensive. We chased that with another North Carolina beer, Highland's Thunderstruck Coffee Porter (5.9%). This was better than the first, more body, and nice coffee flavor. Sticking with the stouts and porters, we decided to sample the latest CHC homebrew, Ice Ice Dynamite (8.4%), a Russian Imperial Stout aged with whole vanilla beans and Wild Turkey soaked oak chips. Hard to believe, but this was by far the best beer of the night. Heavy vanilla flavor in a full bodied imperial stout with a touch of whisky on the back end. Another winner in the Dynamite series. Ska Brewing Mole Stout (5.5%), was a surprise beer, Nice pepper notes, not over the top, with plenty of cocoa as well. It was well liked and rated a good. Hinterlands IPA (6.8%) ...let's start with the label. It appears cheap, kind of thing you'd find on generic beer at a WalMart. The beer itself has tons of shit floating around in it. Looks like someone may have puked into the Brite tank!The smell can only be described as rough, although the taste was a little better. This beer needs work, rating a generous so/so. Speakeasy Payback Porter (7.5%) was a solid porter. Nice flavor, good body, and a good overall rating. We ended the night with a Highland Tasgale Ale (8%), a wee heavy scotch ale. This beer was very drinkable, although at 8%, you're not going to drink too many. We rated this one a good, and called it a night. Cheers!