Who Let The Dogs Out?

Before we begin this story, let me start with a disclaimer: If you have any decency at all, even a shred, stop reading this right now. What follows is as twisted as it gets. People who read this will have certainly reserved their spot in Hell! It was a normal day last week, when suddenly, out of the blue, came a torrent of phone calls to the BC4M headquarters. Thousands upon thousands of our loyal followers had read some disturbing news: that a gentleman (term used loosely) in North Carolina had been arrested for having sexual relations with... wait for it... wait for it...a dog! Our followers were deeply concerned that the said dog fucker was our very own Bim. After a few phone calls, Bim was located and confirmed that it was not, in fact him. The following is an excerpt of that phone conversation.  Bim: "A man was arrested for having sex with a dog? Ridiculous! While many men do find the canine persuasion to be more to their liking, it's quite unusual for them to have a run-in with the law. It almost never happens. And yet, man/dog sex is so natural, books have been written about it.  And it's not like people are doing all the raping. Dogs rape people every day but you never hear about that thanks to our liberal media. Every 30 seconds some horny dog is laying pipe on some unsuspecting human. When was the last time you heard about some dog getting sentenced to the SPCA for rape? Never, that's when. But just let some fine, upstanding citizen turn the tables, and all hell breaks loose. This injustice makes me sick!"   Please dear reader, don't judge our Bim. Pity him... yes, pity him. However, what Bim lacks in moral behavior, he makes up for with ... forget it, he has no redeeming qualities. He did host this beer meeting, he didn't molest any animals, and for that we're grateful. We started the night with Port Brewing's High Seas IPA (6.5%). This beer was very tasty. A hoppy, slightly cloudy bubbly beer that all liked. Michigan Brewing Company High Seas IPA (7.2%) had very low expectations. Michigan is known for...nothing. However, this beer was good. It says on the bottle that it's approved by the Michigan Brewers Guild. We assume these  old guys who approved this beer are cool. Their Nut Brown Ale (5.0%) was also good. Long Trail "Brewmaster Series" Centennial Red (7.9%) was an imperial red that was malty, slightly boozy, with a nice dry finish, rating a good. Their Imperial Porter (8.3%)... not so good, rating so/so. The Long Trail Triple Bag (9.2%) was a split decision, rating a good. Magic Hat provided the next two, Wacko (4.5%) and Hex (5.4%). They both sucked... enough said. Full Sail Wassail (7.0%) was a bottle of nothing, rating a so/so. Natty Greene's Old Town Brown (4.5%) was a sweet, easy drinking brown that well all liked, rating a good. Their Southern Pale Ale (5.3%) was not as good, rating a so/so. On to some dark beers. Harviestoun Old Engine Oil (9%) was black as night. This 'blackest ale" was thick, roasty, and chocolaty, and rated a good. Grand Teton's Black Cauldron (8.0%) was courtesy of our old friend Freddy, the Beer Zohan. This is a rich, chocolaty stout we all enjoyed, rating a good. Widmers Brothers Lemongrass Wheat Ale (9.0%) was a complete surprise. We expected crap in a bottle, but were rewarded with a light, crisp radler type of ale, rating a good. 2 more to go! Troeg's Dead Reckoning (5.4) was a sweet, rich beer, rating a good. We ended the night with Dogfish Head's latest ancient beer re-creation, Ta Henket (4.5%). This beer smells like shit, and tastes only slightly better. No wonder the ancient Egyptians developed Bud light!

The beers were good, the company exquisite, but it was getting late. We participated in the obligatory bottle toss and called it a night. As the night ended, Bim gave us all a few good tips for avoiding dog rape: 1. Don't dress to entice dogs. They have virtually no self control, and will mount a human with the least provocation; 2. If a dog confronts you, the worst thing to do is to drop onto all fours. Why do you think they call it doggy style you freaking moron! 3. And avoid bacon scented perfumes. Let's all do our part to end dog-rape in our lifetime. Until next time, WOOF!

D-Rail's "Great Balls of Fire"

Recently, we learned of a relatively shocking secret about one of our BC4M brethren, the Notorious DIG, or better known to most of us as D-Rail. It seems that every year around his birthday, he hosts a invitation only party at his beach side condo in an attempt to finally rid himself of his virginity (as a 16 year old he had promised his Ugandan wet nurse he would wait till marriage to do so). D-Rail, after years of endless searching through mail order bride catalogs and being banned from online Hindu dating sites for his future bride had decided to instead look for Miss Right Fucking Now. Along with his metrosexual, cornhole loving, and Bud Light mouth hugging roommate, he has been putting together an annual event combining the finest elements of debauchery, chicanery, and utter bacchanalian revelry that generally ends with his striking out with the fairer sex. All of this ribald behavior had gone unknown to the BC4M until a few weeks ago when the lead internet and marketing guru of the group, John Wilder was perusing some of the literally hundreds of ads he has running on Craig's List. Wilder is at any one time selling a veritable gamut of used merchandise, anything from old caulk guns to "gently" used Christmas cards.  Somehow, while looking in the "for sale" section he stumbled across D-Rail's ad in the personals for what promised to be the mother of all parties, something called "BONEHENGE 2011, A FEAST FOR YOUR MOUTH". It seems that D-Rail's roomie also runs a wayward single mom shelter and had smuggled a select group of the girls over for the party in a half-hearted attempt to get some BOO-TAY for each of them. Amazingly enough, this would indeed be the breakthrough year for our half-Egyptian, half-Ecuadorian but 100% "futbol" loving lothario. It seems that one young mother of 2 with one in the oven was in attendance who had recently emigrated here from the far east. One look at D-Rail was all it took as she instantly felt a heat in her currently occupied love nest that could only be quelled in one way and by one man. Unbeknownst to D-Rail, in an attempt to ensure her hormonal desires were met, she had secretly spiked his beer with an entire sample pack of the little blue magic pill. After almost 5 hours of him "beating the breaks off" the young mama-san, out of breath with a heart rate of nearly 200 and with his still ready junk feeling like it had been dipped in freshly erupted lava, he realized he was in need of medical attention. A frantic D-Rail called our own Dr Bim for guidance, who after laughing his ass off at the story, said, "Man, you don't need a Doctor, what you need is a new woman".  A short time later at the ER, the situation was finally remedied by a new procedure that should strike fear in most straight men, the "milking the prostate". To celebrate his birthday and his new found success with the ladies, the BC4M gathered at Fred's to share some new beers and hear more about his conquest. First up was a gift brought over by Beach Brewing's own Chicago Mike who was accompanied by his lovely bride, Xena, the Hop Princess. He opened a growler of their Typhoon (11.0%), a wheatwine that is brewed with sake yeast. Sweet, although a little flat it left a nice burn at the end, sorta like D-Rail's new lady did on that magical evening when they met. The night had started off with a good so we then tried a New Belgium Lips of Faith Wet Hop (7.0%). The hops tasted like they were pulled from under a pile of a used diapers at the local daycare as they had a musty overtone and pungent aroma that left little to be desired in the beer. A so/so at best, we then opened a Pelican Pub & Brewery Grand Cru de Pelican (9.5%). Light, crisp and full of refreshing lemon zest flavor, this one was a surprise hit among the gathered who were anticipating a typical boring Belgian style beer. "Damn, that shit is tasty" said Wilder as we gave it a really good. Next was a Klamath Basin Brewing Vanilla Porter (6.7%). Thin and watery like the discharge from a street urchin with a raging case of gonorrhea it had only the slightest of vanilla notes and was nothing to write home about so it only rated a so/so. Jackie O's Chunga's Oud Bruin (9.0%), a sour brown ale was a hit, as it's sour notes were perfectly tart without being too mouth puckering. Another really good it was followed by Jackie O's Bourbon Berry Grove (12.0%) which was decent but not as good as Chunga and then a Jackie O's Cherry Wood Ya Honey (11.0%)  a sour ale aged in bourbon barrels with a delicious mix of cherries added to the batch. The Drunken Polack liked it so much he remarked to his new fiance, the always fiesty Polly Pocket with, "Hey, would you blow me honey?" Thankfully, even as her eyes lit up with exuberance with the suggestion of some under the table CPR, she instead offered to give him the "full roadie" on the ride home before she had finished uncorking his stiffy . "Lucky fucking bastard", said Bim as Snake said, "Now that's a fucking show I wouldn't mind seeing". The next beer was an Upright Brewing Late Harvest (7.0%), a farmhouse /saison ale that is brewed with a menagerie of spices and blended from various wine and spirits barrels. Slightly sour with a hint of barnyard funk, it was a superior saison and earned a really good. Next was a a couple from Cigar City, Sea Bass (8.0%) another saison that was decent with a peppery kick and Campeador Rurik Ale (11.25%) a blend of old ale and imperial stout that was delicious. One of only 204 bottles ever made, it had the standard Cigar City cedar back drop on top of a rich strong stout. "Tastes like boozy breakfast syrup" said Fred, as the group all raved over its deep texture. Another really good, we then pried the top off of Midnight Sun Arctic Rhino (5.0%), a coffee porter that had "a cool as fuck label" according to Bim. Too bad the beer lacked the depth of the label, as it was thin and watery with just a hint of coffee so it only got a so/so. Another dark as night beer, the Mother Earth Silent Night (9.0%) was easily the best beer they make. "Shit, if they made everything this fucking good, they would be awesome" said Wilder, as Chicago Mike added, "Put a nipple on this bitch, I am gonna suck on it all night". "He meant the fucking beer, right?" wondered a suddenly alarmed Fred. Brouwerij Fonteinen Schaerbeekse Kriek (6.0%) was next. "Damn, that  sure is a mouthful" said D-Rail to which Snake countered, "That's not what your girlfriend said". Sour cherry flavored from start to finish, it wasn't the best Kriek we had tasted but it was refreshing in it's own right rating a good. Fantome Strange Ghost (8.0%) was then pulled from the cooler and even though it looked like the runoff from a pig trough, it had a complex palate of flavors that made your tongue work overtime to decipher. It seems maybe the BC4M might actually like a few saisons and this one was no different earning a really good. The night was going strong, and the boys were still thirsty so we were prepared to keep raiding Fred's stash, but it was about this time that D-Rail received about 150 texts from a horny Tatiana wondering why the fuck he wasn't home in bed with her. "One more for the road boys, Daddy's got work to do" said a suddenly excited D-Rail so we pulled out a Georgetown Brewing Donkey Deux (8.4%), a belgian dubbel from Seattle that was overly sweet and ripe with that annoying belgian flavor. "I'd rather take a donkey punch to the taint than drink this again" said Crazy Ken, while Fred added, "They should have called this crap donkey doo-doo". D-Rail quickly shotgunned his and rushed out the door for a night that he hoped wouldn't again end in the ER. That was a week ago and we still haven't heard from him and his little geisha....hell that just means more beer for the rest of us....Cheers and Happy New Year motherfuckas!

It's a Festuvus for the Rest of Us

Fred is a holiday junkie. He loves the holidays, celebrating Kwanzaa (here he is in his ceremonial Kwanzaa cap), Hanukkah, Christmas, Winter Solstice, and his favorite of all the winter holidays, FESTIVUS! Bim offered to host this years Festivus party, and the boys gathered around his festivus pole for a pre-Christmas beer tasting extravaganza. We started the evening with a Terrapin/BFM collaboration, Spike and Jerome's Collaboration Ale (10.276%). This combination 2/3 ale and 1/3rd ale matured in rum barrels, had zero carbonation and was a bit thin, but still rated a good. Next was the latest weird beer from Stone, Belgo Anise Imperial Russian Stout (10.5%). Big Audio liked it, making us all question his sanity. For everyone else, it was like a liquid version of Good and Plenty licorice, and was a so/so at best. Fred supplied more west coast beers, starting with a Pelican India Pelican Ale (7.5%). This was a nice, smooth IPA. It wasn't overpowering at all, and rated a good. DuClaw, which is quickly becoming one of our surprisingly good east coast breweries, supplied Misery (10%), a wheat wine ale. Damn, this was a fine beer! Sweet, syrupy, and tasting more like a dopplebock, it easily rated a really good. Next up was Deschutes The Stoic (6.5%). This Belgian style quad tasted like a Belgian style quad. It was a fine example of this style and very drinkable. Then it was back to the Midwest with a Jackie O's Cellar Cuvee 6 (6%). This is a really good sour, but you'd better like sours cause this bitch is sour as hell! Now for a real treat, Bim busted out his 2005 and 2007 Dogfish Head Raison D'extras, the older one which was a gift from Johnny Wilder and which Bim has been salivating over for a year. Holy fuck Batman, this shit just keeps getting better! The 2007 was still a little hot on the alcohol side, but the 2005 was simply amazing. The 2007, while really good, couldn't match the 2005's RFG status. Kern River Brewing Co. gave us the Just Outstanding IPA (6.8%), which, unlike it's name, was just good. Stone's Vertical Epic (9.4%), brewed on 11-11-11, tasted like something... we're just not sure what that something was. This beer had a strong chili flavor, and was only so/so. Sam Adams Infinium 2011 (10.3%) was next. Jim Koch claims to have reworked the recipe this year, but for $20 a bottle, he needs to go back to the drawing board. We can name 50 better beers for under 20 bucks, and this one is only a good. At this point Snake changed the topic to lesbians. Snake, recently saw a story about two Navy lesbians who had the "first kiss" upon debarking from a recent deployment. He showed us all the picture, and just like that, Johnny Wilder bolted out of the house and down to the nearest recruiting station to enlist, never to be seen again. The guy loves lesbians! Snake, however, then showed up the lesbian photos that he keeps in his wallet. He apparently glances at the photo of these "cockblockers" to prevent any inappropriate arousals when on one of his planking adventures. On to more beers! Widmer Brothers Reserve Galaxy Hopped Barleywine Ale (9.5%) had a fancy box, a decent taste, and rated a good. Columbia Rivers's Paddler's Porter (9.0%) was another of Fred's finds from his trip out west. What a nice beer. A hint of cocoa nibs with the addition of Brooklyn's Best Coffee. The group was unanimous this was a really good. DuClaw's Retribution (9.0%) is an imperial bourbon barrel stout that spent 6 mos inside a bourbon barrel. Fred immediately piped in that that was nothing. He spent 9 mos inside his mom's uterus, and he was an RFG. While not highly rated on-line, we gave it a RFG. This beer has a great boozy flavor and should age wonderfully. We then changed gears, re-rating a beer that we hated the first time, Founders Dry-hopped Pale Ale (5.4%). The first time we tasted this it was found in a corner of a hillbilly beer store. We guessed that it may have been made sometime in the early 1940's! It was an over-carbonated mess. This time around, the beer had a nice taste and normal carbonation, rating a good. By this time of the night, the alcohol was really starting to fog our brains. Only 3 more to go! Midnight Sun's Extra Stout (7.8%) had more body that a Guinness. This was a very pleasant beer, a good session stout, rating a good. Big Audio Dynamite brought a growler mix from Gordon Biersch. He challenged us to name the combination. Crazy suggested that it was urine and gasoline, Wilder suggested it was used dialysis fluid and Round-up, but in actuality, it was hefeweizen and winter bock, and rated a so/so. And with that we were on to our last beer, Diamond Knot Brewing's Whip Ale (7.8%). After the first sip, we all wanted to whip the ass of the fucknut who brewed this shit. Imagine what Nickelback would taste like if they were beer??? This is it. What a way to end the night. With the taste of this beer still on our palates in the morning, no doubt we will all assume that we must have thrown up at some point during the night. Happy Festivus. "During the past year you people have disappointed me in the following ways..."