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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Who Let The Dogs Out?

Before we begin this story, let me start with a disclaimer: If you have any decency at all, even a shred, stop reading this right now. What follows is as twisted as it gets. People who read this will have certainly reserved their spot in Hell! It was a normal day last week, when suddenly, out of the blue, came a torrent of phone calls to the BC4M headquarters. Thousands upon thousands of our loyal followers had read some disturbing news: that a gentleman (term used loosely) in North Carolina had been arrested for having sexual relations with... wait for it... wait for it...a dog! Our followers were deeply concerned that the said dog fucker was our very own Bim. After a few phone calls, Bim was located and confirmed that it was not, in fact him. The following is an excerpt of that phone conversation.  Bim: "A man was arrested for having sex with a dog? Ridiculous! While many men do find the canine persuasion to be more to their liking, it's quite unusual for them to have a run-in with the law. It almost never happens. And yet, man/dog sex is so natural, books have been written about it.  And it's not like people are doing all the raping. Dogs rape people every day but you never hear about that thanks to our liberal media. Every 30 seconds some horny dog is laying pipe on some unsuspecting human. When was the last time you heard about some dog getting sentenced to the SPCA for rape? Never, that's when. But just let some fine, upstanding citizen turn the tables, and all hell breaks loose. This injustice makes me sick!"   Please dear reader, don't judge our Bim. Pity him... yes, pity him. However, what Bim lacks in moral behavior, he makes up for with ... forget it, he has no redeeming qualities. He did host this beer meeting, he didn't molest any animals, and for that we're grateful. We started the night with Port Brewing's High Seas IPA (6.5%). This beer was very tasty. A hoppy, slightly cloudy bubbly beer that all liked. Michigan Brewing Company High Seas IPA (7.2%) had very low expectations. Michigan is known for...nothing. However, this beer was good. It says on the bottle that it's approved by the Michigan Brewers Guild. We assume these  old guys who approved this beer are cool. Their Nut Brown Ale (5.0%) was also good. Long Trail "Brewmaster Series" Centennial Red (7.9%) was an imperial red that was malty, slightly boozy, with a nice dry finish, rating a good. Their Imperial Porter (8.3%)... not so good, rating so/so. The Long Trail Triple Bag (9.2%) was a split decision, rating a good. Magic Hat provided the next two, Wacko (4.5%) and Hex (5.4%). They both sucked... enough said. Full Sail Wassail (7.0%) was a bottle of nothing, rating a so/so. Natty Greene's Old Town Brown (4.5%) was a sweet, easy drinking brown that well all liked, rating a good. Their Southern Pale Ale (5.3%) was not as good, rating a so/so. On to some dark beers. Harviestoun Old Engine Oil (9%) was black as night. This 'blackest ale" was thick, roasty, and chocolaty, and rated a good. Grand Teton's Black Cauldron (8.0%) was courtesy of our old friend Freddy, the Beer Zohan. This is a rich, chocolaty stout we all enjoyed, rating a good. Widmers Brothers Lemongrass Wheat Ale (9.0%) was a complete surprise. We expected crap in a bottle, but were rewarded with a light, crisp radler type of ale, rating a good. 2 more to go! Troeg's Dead Reckoning (5.4) was a sweet, rich beer, rating a good. We ended the night with Dogfish Head's latest ancient beer re-creation, Ta Henket (4.5%). This beer smells like shit, and tastes only slightly better. No wonder the ancient Egyptians developed Bud light!

The beers were good, the company exquisite, but it was getting late. We participated in the obligatory bottle toss and called it a night. As the night ended, Bim gave us all a few good tips for avoiding dog rape: 1. Don't dress to entice dogs. They have virtually no self control, and will mount a human with the least provocation; 2. If a dog confronts you, the worst thing to do is to drop onto all fours. Why do you think they call it doggy style you freaking moron! 3. And avoid bacon scented perfumes. Let's all do our part to end dog-rape in our lifetime. Until next time, WOOF!

4 comments:

Beer Club 4 Men said...

Bim replies: Once again, I am being grossly maligned. There are inaccuracies throughgout this story. First off, the said conversation took place in person, not on the phone. Everything else is true.

Bim

Dr. Gunthumper said...

This story is clearly written in code, so as not to truly call out Bim, but I have no such scruples. "Dog" in this case obviously means "other man", and "rape" means "has frequent consensual sex with." He's Cincinnati gay and should finally come out with it. We'll love you just the same. And by "we" I mean "people other than me."

By the way, sent a friend here in NYC to your site and they bought some shit. You're welcome.

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