The Lost Session

No one can remember exactly when the Lost Session took place. Bim was in charge of the Bible, and like usual, forgot to bring it to the meeting. Instead, notes were scratched onto the back of some centuries old parchment before being lost forever, or so we thought. It was months later that this relic was discovered, and the beers tasted were revealed. The ancient scroll started with Abita's Andygator Helles Dopplebock (8%). The smell on this was not right, but the taste was OK. Not as strong as we expect from a dopplebock, but a tasty beer nonetheless, rating a good. BrewDog's Rip Tide Stout (8%) was described as "twisted, merciless stout" on the bottle. As you local readers know, RipTide is the freakish mascot for the Norfolk Tides baseball team. He is certainly twisted and merciless, as his schtick is to terrorize small children with his retarded Barney act, then blast the shit out of them with a tee shirt cannon. Like the retarded grape ape, we were not impressed with this beer and rated it a so/so. The final beer of the night was Widmer Brothers Reserve Cherry Oak Dopplebock (9%). This was a really good beer. The cherries were not overwhelming, giving it a slight sweetness that really set the beer off. The only downside was that there were pieces of the brewmasters epidermis floating around in the bottle, but we've seen worse! And so the forgotten night shall live in infamy!

Stouts, Stouts and more Stouts...

It was Tuesday night, and Johnny requested a meeting of the founding fathers. Thinking that he probably had some surprise Dogfish Head goodies for us, we eagerly obliged! We were disappointed to find that, not only did he have no surprises, but of 6 of the beers Bim brought, we'd already tasted 4 of them (Bim is sometimes feeble-minded). We started with the Highland Brewing Co.'s Black Mocha Stout (5.3%). This was a good Carolina stout, rich and malty. We chased it with a Blowing Rock Bock Lager, which was smooth, sweet, and also rated a good.The night was off to a great start. We next uncapped a Bell's Kalamazoo Stout (6%). This bottle rocks! There's a cool picture of a guy that I believe is Carl from the movie Slingblade ("Them are some good biscuits, Grrr..."). However, if old Carl had tasted this beer, he'd not only have split Doyle's skull, but also the ass clown who brewed this shit. It has brewer's licorice added (see: brewers turds). It is a very bad beer, and we were very kind to give it just a so/so. Sticking with Bell's, we tried their Java Stout (7.5%). Way to much coffee flavor, not enough beer, but at least no brewers licorice! We completed the Bell's menage a' poo-poo with a Special Double Cream Stout (6.1%). This one advertises 10 types of malts (and a generous helping of brewers spooge), and rated a so/so. Another offering from Blowing Rock, High Country Ale (brewed in the mountains of Boone, NC) was decent and made us long for another night in Popcorn Sutton's old stomping grounds. We closed the night with a North Coast Old Rasputin Imperial Stout (9.0%) This would have been a good match for Guinness, but since it was advertised as a Russian Imperial, we were expecting more. It was way too watery, and rated only a so/so. We closed the special meeting and wandered home, visions of the upcoming 500 in our dreams.

Bim's Mad Bomber Night

Thursday had arrived, so Snake, Fred and Crazy Ken assembled at Bim's for a weekly tasting. Having no real theme for the night, we decided to just empty our beer coolers out and see what treats were in store. Most of the bottles were bomber sized, so we knew a long alcohol fueled evening was to follow. First up was a gem that Snake had brought to us upon his return from overseeing his 5,000 acre tea plantation in Tanzania. Snakes international portfolio of properties are scattered throughout the entire spread of the former British colonial empire. Snakes great-great-great grandfather Alistair Reginald James Mountbatten had first forged his family empire by winning a few thriving tea plantations in the 19th century with his skill in the English card game Whist. First up was Meantime Brewing's Meantime IPA (7.5%). Not like the California style IPA that we are found of, this one doesn't assault your taste buds with a hop grenade but instead starts off with more citrus flavor than pine flavor. Definitely a good, this one was a winner. Next up was a Brassiere D'Achouffe McChouffe (8.0%) An artisanal Belgian Brown Ale, the label featured a copy of the first published work from Pablo Picasso (the legendary Ernie the Keebler Elf bent over fondling a rare big bosomed petunia). Despite pouring what appeared in Bim's words to be "Cooper's ditch leavings" and "you need a toothpick with this one" according to Snake, this was one awesome beer. Fred said it seemed like it contained "the remains from the bottom of a McDonalds deep fryer" but damn this was tasty and it got a very good. We then opened a bottle that was graciously given to us by our new neighbor, Dr. Chett McLuuven, who couldn't attend due to a previous engagement with the womens luge team from Iran. The Bruery 'Coton" (14.5%) was a mix of 75% ale with 25% bourbon barrel aged ale. Crazy Ken liked it so much he hearkened back to his teenage years as a sharecropper in Shady Grove, Alabama where he liked to "ride the cotton pony". As we all threw up a little in our mouths at hearing what the urban dictionary describes as well (we will leave it up to you to look it up yourself), Ken said it meant picking cotton while riding a mare bareback (which didn't help his cause in any manner). This was still a solid beer that didn't kick you in the jimmy with an alcohol onslaught, but was also strong enough to keep you from trying to shotgun it. Southern Tier Imperial Gemini (10.5%) was then opened. This was another mixture, featuring a 50/50 split between their Unearthly and their Unfiltered Hoppe. Undeterred by the waxing poetics of the label that described a moon and star filled sky that dances around the Gemini twins, (which by the way, the only twins the BC4M are into are of the sweater puppy variety), we happily drank this smooth elixir and gave it a good. Next was a Hoppin' Frog B.O.R.I.S. The Crusher Oatmeal Imperial Stout (9.4%). BORIS stands for "Bodacious Oatmeal Russian Imperial Stout" and was self proclaimed as a "GABF" gold medal winner. Snake said what the hell does that stand for "gay ass butt fuckers"?. Thankfully the answer was no, since this bottle of pure deliciousness was amazing. Fred said it reminded him of the "leftover chocolate milk from a bowl of cocoa krispies". Smooth, velvety and full of flavor, this was easily an RFG, and thus was elevated to the pantheon of beers. Next was a bottle of Doppel-Hirsch Bavarian Doppelbock (7.2%). Another of Snake's treasures from his world travels, this one featured a pair of giant Siberian elk racking one another. Snake the avid hunter, recounted his taking of two of these magnificent beasts while on an Tibetan goji berry harvesting trek up Kumiet Peak in outer Mongolia. Armed with only a slingshot and a jar of Vick's VapoRub, he successfully slew the ferocious man-killers seconds before they took down a group of traveling Somalian minstrels that were to perform later that evening at the Genghis Khanapalooza festival. This was a thin doppelbock that was still quite tasty and even though Bim suggested the label looked more like a Unibrou product (and you dear readers know how we despise those French speaking Canucks) it rated a solid good. Ballast Point Sea Monster Imperial Stout (10.0%) poured as dark as the bottom of the South China Sea. The label had an angler fish on it, the kind that typically shows up on your average Chinese take out joint menu as "dou yuo sim" which probably means, "your ass turns green" after eating it. Thick and chewy, this oatmeal stout proved as fortifying as a bowl of Quaker Oats on a snowy December morning and it rated a very good. Out of bombers, but not ready to call it quits, we opened a Firestone Pale 31 (4.8%). A California style pale ale, this is the group that has the foppish dandy gay lion fighting a metrosexual grizzly bear on the label. This beer would be perfect for the type of guys that watch the Bravo channel instead of Monster Truck Jam. Light and sweet, like many of the "men" found on Colley Avenue, this was still decent and it got a good. Ken and Snake left soon after due to having to work the next morning, and as Bim and Fred were cleaning up, out of the lighting crashed sky arrived King Dogfish Head himself, J. Wilder. Just returned from a trip to Rehoboth Beach that included his trusted sidekick Canteen Boy (D-Rail), Wilder had brought us back a few Dogfish Head bombers to share. First up was DFH Namaste (5.0%), a beer brewed with "coriander, orange and lemongrass". WTF does Namaste mean said Bim, as we split this brute three ways. Johnny said that the skank-ass bartender who served it had told him it meant "bow to you". One taste in and we realized the skeleton on the bottle was most likely the moron who drank this diesel fuel before they bottled it. "No Mas" said Fred, as he struggled to finish off this bilge water. "Hell", said Fred, "Namaste should translate into bow to the porcelain princess cause this shit makes me wanna hurl." Thankfully, the next beer, DFH My Antonia (7.5%) tasted a whole lot better. A "continually hopped" Imperial Pilsner, this was "the best Pils I have ever had" according to Bim. Smoother than a freshly brazilianed taint, this went down easier than a ten dollar "relaxation assistant" on food stamps so it rated a good. Once again the bombers had left the hangar, so we continued on with a Shiner Bohemian Black Lager (4.9%). Decent albeit watery, this is easily the best beer these boys from Texas make. This could easily be a serious session beer, since its basically alcohol free but has a decent taste. Next was a North Coast Acme California Pale Ale (5.0%). As Fred valiantly tried to keep up with all the ratings while writing in our leather bound tome that contains the secrets of the BC4M, Bim declared "We are drunk as fuck!" This beer was pretty good, as it had no outstanding qualities, but was refreshing and would be an easy summer drinking beer. The last beer of the night, Mendocino Brewing Red Tail Ale (6.0%) was a forgettable watery mess that left us hanging. Most of these "mid-market" craft brews are really just fancy home brews. The majority of them are so-so and are not worth buying again, but since we have to try every beer made, we will endure the taste bud torture that most beers put us through. After surviving a torrential downpour that swept through the area as fast as a Kenyan marathoner, we took our standard bottle picture and then held the requisite beer bottle field goal contest behind Bim's courtyard. After somehow avoiding all the shards of glass, we stumbled home, one step closer to the vaunted 500 night that was just around the corner.