Hail and Farewell

About a year and a half ago, Bim, Fred and Nestle went to check out the newest brewery in our area, Beach Brewing. While in their tasting room trying some of of their frankly forgettable early efforts, we met a menacing looking fella that appeared to have just gotten back from a 3 month tour as a roadie for either Pantera or Lady Gaga, or perhaps both. We talked beers and found him to be knowledgeable and easy to talk to despite the fact he looked primed to donkey punch every one of the Jonas Brothers at a moments notice. We discussed our favorite beers, and were shocked when he mentioned he could easily name 10 IPA's better than our highly regarded Pliny the Elder. Hailing from the "meat packing" capitol of the world, Chicago, after weeks of deliberation, we christened him "Chicago Mike" and invited him to join us in our pursuit of all things craft beer. He had a major hand in creating Beach Brewing's best beer, their double IPA hop monster "Hoptopus". It was so good, Fred sent it around the country in trades and even our pals on the west coast who have had their palates wrecked by the plethora of great IPA's available out there all agreed it was phenomenal. Unfortunately, after a drunken afternoon playing "water under the bridge" style "twister" at the Brewery went a tad too far, Chicago quit and set out on his own. His first gig was driving an ice cream truck dressed as "Sprinkles the Clown", and then upon being released on bond after an all night bat mitzvah went bad (something about whipped cream and cherries), he set up a mobile car detailing team called "Wash and Blow" that promised a thorough scrub and tug with every purchase. When he wasn't busy spreading the message on the glories of a polished trailer hitch to the hordes of sailors that are stationed in our area, he was busy interviewing at various breweries around the country pitching his newest beer recipe, a 17% behemoth barleywine ale called "Moose Knuckler" that had an amazing floral nose because of all the hops he added to it. Months went by and right before Christmas, he received a call from one of America's best breweries, Fat Head's of Cleveland Ohio. They are the creators of the RFG rated double ipa, "Head Hunter", and were looking for a new "associate brewer" (i.e. glory hole cleaner), and offered him a spot on their staff after watching him make quick work of the mess in their backdoor "champagne room". He quickly accepted and made plans to be at work promptly in early January. Since most of us are veterans, we decided the only way to properly send him off was to throw a hail and farewell. Every member of BC4M arrived at Fred's for a night that had debauchery written all over it. Fred pulled out some big guns from the cellar, including previously RFG rated Heady Topper, Pliny the Elder, Westvleteren 12, Avery Rumpkin, New Glarus Raspberry Tart, and Goose Island Coffee Bourbon County Stout. Mixed in with all that greatness were some beers that frankly weren't too hot. Most rated a so/so or good, like Cigar City Florida Cracker (5.0%), Blue Point Toxic Sludge (7.0%), Great Divide 18th Anniversary (10.0%) and Dominion Double D (10.0%). However, a pair of beers were downright drainpours. Aviator Brewing Black Mamba (6.3%) was an oatmeal stout that had about as much body as a 18 yr old anorexic that had just binged and purged. "This sure as fuck aint too damn boo-coo" said Mike as Bim added, "I had a patient in today with a discharge way thicker than this crap". It was easily a sucks, while another beer got perhaps the worst rating of any we have ever tried. Surprisingly, it was 3 Floyd's Bully Guppy and it was a fucking disaster. Upon opening, it smelled like wet cat urine mixed with paint thinner. Could it taste even worse than it smelled? You bet your sweet ass it did, as Fred said, "I'll be surprised if I don't go blind drinking this poison", Wilder mentioned, "Did they fucking age this in Turpentine barrels?". "Tastes like a bad bottle of Windex" said Snake, while Bim woke up long enough to bellow, "Smells like the perfume my Thai pedicurist uses at the salon". This is without a doubt the worst beer any of us had tasted and wondered how in the fuck it made it past quality control. Two beers that did however, taste amazing, were Lawson's Finest Kiwi Double IPA (8.1%) which combined a generous grapefruit nose with a smooth lemony body that went down as easy as a two bit street urchin jonesing for a meth hit. The second was Hill Farmstead Juicy (7.4%), a slightly sour saison that balanced hops and brett with a crisp finish. Both rated really good, and just when we thought the night was ending, local pizza baron RaiderFost and his liege Reginald showed up with a bottle of Surly Darkness '12 (10.3%). Pouring as dark as the meat flaps of a Ugandan midwife, it had a silky body and was ultra smooth. It almost had a "nitro" mouthfeel, and the taste was phenomenal, full of milk chocolate and dark fruits. Easily a really good, it just missed the coveted RFG mark. We killed a few more mediocre beers afterward and the hours flew by. It was late and Mike had to get home to pack for his trip. Before he left, we presented him with a few special beers and perhaps the most fitting gift we could think of, a framed picture of his former mentor at Beach Brewing, President Steve Stifler who wrote a simple but eloquent message, "Water under the bridge" which we figured was a sweet homage to their ill fated "twister" day.

 

To our testosterone fueled brother, fair winds and following seas and long may your big jib draw

Atque in perpetuum, frater, ave atque vale.

Ice Ice Dynamite

As many of you know, the boys of the BC4M have been vainly attempting to make a palatable home brew for many years. Timeless drain pours like "Swamp Fire Ale", "Bim's Dirty Old Brown Eye" and "The Milkman Cometh" usually caused those that tasted the beers to come down with a case of dysentery, bubonic plague or more often both. Off flavors consisting of rotting cabbage, sweaty skunk taint or even Aunt Mabel's mothball ridden lingerie left most of our followers hoping and praying that we would stop the madness. But then, out of the blue, Bim came up with a homebrew recipe that was actually decent and unbelievably drinkable. "Black Dynamite" was his first foray into boozy imperial stouts and it was an instant hit. After receiving an abundance of compliments from our craft beer loving brethren, the merchandising arm of BC4M decided to come up with other recipes that used the same base but added some "flay-va, You dig?". "Pepe Dynamite" is our chili pepper infused stout that is hot enough to make a Mexican landscaper's taint weep for joy only to be followed by a intensely vanilla version we named after the only "cracka" (besides our own Johnny Wilder) who could ever pull off the douche canoe pants look paired with a Aquanet styled mane. "Ice Ice Dynamite" is our ode to one Robby Van Winkle, the lyrical daddy mack to white suburbia's favorite f-bomb dropping masochist, Eminem. Like Mix Master Jay spinning tracks on the turntable, Grand Master Bim, spent one drunken night perfecting a stout that combined non-fair trade Ethiopian cacao with deforested vanilla imported in the anal cavity of a Madagascan smuggler Bim had met  after spending one glorious evening on Skype talking their shared love of canines. "Holy fuck, Bim got one right" said Wilder, while Snake added, "You sure you brewed this?" With this unbridled support from his BC4M brothers, Bim decided to take a chance and enter both Pepe and Ice Ice in the 6th annual Virginia Beer Blitz, an annual home brew competition that had over 350 entries from 39 states and Canada. Even though Pepe actually outscored Ice Ice, they were in different categories, and at the end of a grueling 8 hour competition, a stunned Bim, Fred and Nestle heard "and the winner of the wood aged beer category, Ice Ice Dynamite". A tearful Bim raced on stage to collect his winnings and thanked the assembled crowd who appeared to be more at home at a weekend LARPer convention than a craft beer competition. On fact, one young craft beer enthusiast repeatedly begged Bim to adopt him ala Obi-Wan Kenobi to teach him his master brewing ways. "The first step, is to move out of your granny's basement you fucking tool", said Fred, while Bim coddled the young lad and whispered sweet nothings in his ear in his sweetest Herbert the Pervert voice. Before Bim could be arrested for lewd conduct, Fred and Nestle hauled him away and we headed back to the hood to celebrate in style. An amazing day indeed, we couldnt be happier for our beloved pooch pumper.
     So in honor of Bim's stunning victory at the 6th annual C.A.S.K. Virginia Beer Blitz, Fred penned an ode to his winning brew....sung to the words of the original Ice Ice Baby

Yo B.I.M, Lets Brew It

Ice Ice Dynamite, Ice Ice Dynamite
Ice Ice Dynamite, Ice Ice Dynamite

All right STOP, shut the fuck up and listen

Bim has brewed up a brand new invention

A magical elixir that drinks so nicely

Dark as a motherfucker, you'll crave it fortnightly

Will he ever stop, we don't know

But Bim is a certified award winning mofo

Expecting to win it was never a gamble

Pontificating on stage like the motherfucking preamble

Boom, a wave of vanilla hits the room

Wetting your tongue like a dope ass waterflume

Boozy, when it stings your throat

Drink too much, and it's time to motorboat

Titties, whether big or small

Bim is the Doctor who's always on call

Silky as it makes its way

Down to your stomach it's a taste buffet

Ice Ice Dynamite, Ice Ice Dynamite

Ice Ice Dynamite, Ice Ice Dynamite

   To all our homies across the land....Word to Yo Mother! We outta here bitches...

A BC4M Intervention

While all the BC4M members love beer, one member in particular, Fred, has taken things to the extreme. Fred has more quality beers stashed around his house than most reputable beer stores have on their shelves. Need a Firestone Walker Abacus? Fred has a case. How about 6 years worth of Bourbon County stouts? Got that too. And Bruery's Black Tuesday? There as plentiful as whores in a whorehouse. Lately, the Founding Fathers expressed concern that Fred's buying and trading habits may be getting out of control. We decided to stage an intervention. Under the guise of a Bourbon County Stout vertical tasting, the founding fathers gathered at 10pm's. Once we'd all arrived, Bim appeared, dressed as Candy Finnigan. As the others sat quietly and with Fred obviously confused, Bim began... "Fred, your addiction has negatively affected me in the following ways: you have made me feel inferior with your superior beer collection. With my confidence shattered, I am now getting humped by my dog on a regular basis. If you don't stop hoarding beers, I will no longer be a clown for you. You need to accept this gift we are offering you." "Fuck you!" snarled Fred. Next up was Johnny. "Fred, your beer hoarding has negatively affected me in the following ways: Well, it really hasn't hurt me at all. Keep up the strong work buddy!" As we got to 10pm, he pulled out his written speech. "Fred, your crazy behavior has negatively affected me as well. The constant pet molestation, running through the neighborhood naked and masturbating in the mailboxes has got to stop. Yesterday I caught you defecating on my lawn. You are terrorizing all the neighbors and we wont take it anymore.The clown makeup was humorous initially, now it's just downright disturbing." Fred looked astonished. "What the hell are you talking about?" A sheepish 10pm replied, "Oops, wrong speech. That one's for Bim's intervention next week." Now it was Snake's turn. "I don't know what the fuck you assholes are even talking about... I'm dry as toast. Let's drink!" And that we did, starting with a 2006 Goose Island Bourbon County Brand stout right on through 2012. Then it was off to a 2011 Bourbon County Coffee and a 2011 Bourbon County Stout Bramble Rye Barrel. While each year had some specific nuances, they all held up well. The 2006, while a paltry 11% ABV,  was smooth as silk, almost syrupy. 2007 (13%) was more carbonated and lighter. 2008 was more reminiscent of 2006, heavier and sweeter. 2009 was a tad flat, but still awesome. 2010 was the best yet, boozy, rich and smooth. 2011, while still an RFG, was the highest yet in alcohol at 14.5%, and should definitely improve with age. With the vertical complete, we changed gears and tasted a 2010 Bourbon County Coffee Stout, a 2011 Bourbon County Bramble Rye, and a 2010 Vanilla all of which are still RFG's. And to finish the night, we ended with a 2010 Bourbon County Rare. After his first sip, Snake exclaimed, "I just busted a nut in my pants! Damn this is good!" Time will tell how Goose Island does under the direction of Annheiser Busch. With the intervention over and the only thing accomplished being lessening Fred's cellar by 11 beers, we headed home as we had a 6AM wake-up call for a trip to Hardywood Park Brewery in Richmond for their release of the Gingerbread Stout. Stay tuned for more on that. Cheers!