D-Rail's "How I met Your Mother"

Many years ago, in the small Guatemalan fishing village of Aguacatan (Spanish for "nectar of the prostate"), BC4M's D-Rail was a bright and gregarious young lad who was the rising star on the local "futbol" pitch. Although his family's bamboo and guacamole leaf hut was meager by even Sub-Saharan Africa standards, the living room held a 70 inch plasma display tv and both an Xbox 360 and PS3 thanks to the extra coin he received from moonlighting as a "companion for hire". One night his life would be forever changed when a visiting turnip green heiress named Matilda Throbinson hired him sight unseen to be her escort for the evening. One evening turned into 3 weeks of conjugal bliss traipsing through the dense rain forests of Central America and D-Rail became both smitten and suffering from an acute case of chlamydia. Despite his penile malady, he agreed to leave his homeland and accompany Matilda back to her country manor in rural Virginia. She spared no expense on his education, and after only 15 years of intense study, aided by countless hours of practice with Rosetta Stone, he eventually spoke broken English. He spent his winters in Milan and Paris as a "fashionista" and summers traveling the U.S. on the "cornhole" circuit chasing a championship title in the hotly contested "bilingual left handed latino" category. His fanciful existence was short lived, as one day after being crowned the "Culo Maestro" of Des Moines, he received a telegram saying Matilda had passed away suddenly after becoming in the parlance of the adult film world, "airtight", with a group calling themselves the "A-Team". Depression set in and after many lost years chasing an endless line of streetwalkers, lamaze class mothers to be and "furries", D-Rail took a chance on finding love from an online dating/mail order bride website. Months of searching profiles led him to be enamored with a fetching young mamasan named Kokohontas who, according to her profile was a virginal 19 who worked as an "entertainment ambassador" in an upper class suburb of Hanoi. He informed us that he was soon headed east to claim his bride, so we gathered at Bim's to drink a few to both celebrate his new found love and to send him off in style in case he found himself locked away in a Vietnamese prison on charges of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Chicago Mike and Fred joined the small gathering and commenced the proceedings by opening a Triple Digit Aftermath (10.5%). A wee heavy style, this one was sweet and not too boozy rating a good. Next was a brown ale, Half Acre's Over Ale (6.0%) which was smooth and easy drinking also rating a good. Moving on, we tried a Freetail Brewing Velocihoptor (6.5%) which Bim kept calling Velociraptor. "This ain't Jurassic Park you old fuck" said Fred, while Bim simply replied "I like dinosaurs". A decent IPA, it was more malty than hoppy, so it got a good, the same rating as Flat 12 Brewing's Half Cycle IPA (6.0%). While we pulled more beers from the cooler, we watched D-Rail attack the appetizers with the voracity of a polesmoker wolfing down a specialty "donut". Next was a Caldera Hopportunity Knocks (6.8%), an IPA that tasted like an infected bar of Dial soap. "This shit sucks" said Bim, as Chicago Mike added, "I wouldn't scrub my taint with this crap". A sucks, we moved on to Rock Art Brewery's Black Moon (10.0%). A nice black IPA, this one was mellow and ultra smooth, belying its high alcohol content. "Fuck that is good" said Fred, while D-Rail, who's face by this time was smeared with cheese dip agreed. Next up was a new one from Tyranena, Dirty Old Man (7.90%), which featured a picture of Bim on the label.

"I love sponge baths", Bim exclaimed, in his best "Herbert the Pervert" voice. Aged in rye barrels, the taste was a bit thin but still decent so it got a good. We then tried Rogue's Double Chocolate Stout (8.0%) which once again proved Rogue has some sweet bottles with less than stellar beer inside. "Tastes like a cheap bowl of generic Cocoa-Puffs" said D-Rail, while Bim added, "I love sponge baths". So/so was the result as we turned towards a 3 Floyd's Gumballhead (4.5%). A pale wheat beer, it is easily one of the best examples we have ever tasted. "That is some good shit" said Chicago Mike, "but even better on draft". Smooth and flavor filled, it was a winner and got a really good. A palette cleanser was offered next in the form of Matthew Clark Cider's Williams Sir Perry (6.0%). This is a traditional pear cider and it tasted like a souped up version of a Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler. "Weak as fuck" said Fred, who added "he was a great actor but he sucks as a cider maker". "Thats Michael Clark Duncan you dipshit" said Chicago Mike as we gave this one a so/so. Since it was getting close to time for D-Rail to go have a "skype chat" with his lady, we decided to end the night with one final beer. "What the fuck is skype chat" said Mike, "does that mean you dress up in a tuxedo t-shirt and marble bag and talk dirty to her?". Despite that disturbing visual, we pried open a Surly Wet (7.5%), a fresh hopped beer that was canned only seven days prior. The nose was clean and full of citrus notes, and the taste was phenomenal. Crisp and hoppy, this was easily the best beer of the night and got a really good. As we left, we wished D-Rail well on his upcoming 22 hour flight and hoped he returned alive, well and no longer solo. Until next time kids...thats the story of how D-Rail "met your mother"

Foothills Brewery...again

If you read this blog, you know that the beer whores known as the Beer Club for Men never miss a bottle release on the east coast. We will abandon our families and responsibilities if it means a shot at some great beers. So with that in mind, Fred, Bim and Nestle headed south. Unfortunately, Johnny Wilder was unable to attend, as he has been busy performing with his new boy band, Big Ups. (You remember them? They opened for O-town). This time we decided to attend the pre-release bottle swap in the back of the brewery the night before. We put on our skinny jeans, wool caps and our best "homeless chic" clothes, and headed out, trying to blend in with the locals. Suffice it to say that we impressed the crowd with some of our "second tier" beers that we brought to share: Firestone Walker Parabola, Sucuba, Williamsburg Alewerks BA Porter, and some decent beers from The Bruery. We had more good beers that we brought for possible trades than most so-called beer stores have on their shelves. The following day, despite Nestle complaining about the early hour, it was up at the ass crack of dawn to go stand in line and wait. We saw some old beer friends from the Jackie O's release as well as our old friend Pike, and met some new friends as well. Our line partner and drinking companion for the day was a gentleman who goes by the name of Crocodile Jim. In talking to Jim, it became apparent that while appearing young, he is apparently old as dirt. Jim was present at the very first GABF, and rumor has it that he met Pliney the Elder on his extensive travels. Jim has visited many great breweries on the east coast, and holds the distinction of having been kicked out of every one of them. As the sun rose, we made our way into the brewery and collected our booty. A few stops on the way back at City Beverage in Winston-Salem,  Sam's Quick Shop in Raleigh, Bestway Grocery Store in Greensboro, and it was back to the hood with a car full of beer. Once back, we gathered at Wilder's to sample some beers from our various cellars. We started with Natty Greene's Freedom American IPA (6.5%). This beer was a decent session IPA, but there are a lot of great IPA's on the market now, and this isn't one of them., rating a good. Sand Creek Brewing Co. Lilja's Heifer Weizen (5.3%) smelled like fresh vomit in an old tennis shoe. The first sip was a little rough, and while each successive sip improved, it never made it past a so/so. Lost Coast Brewing's Great White Beer (4.8%) was very light. It wasn't offensive, just average, rating a so/so. Pyramid Apricot Wheat (5.1%) has been available to us for years, but somehow we never rated it. Surprisingly, it was rated a good. This is a nicely balanced sweet, fruity beer. Ommegang Biere D Hougoumont (7.3%) is an ale aged on maple and oak staves. This was well liked by all, including OMT who hasn't tasted a beer he's liked since they took Champale off the market. Hardywood Park's Virginia Blackberry (6.8%) was lighter on the fruit flavors, despite all the blackberries they dumped into the mix. Still, we liked it, giving it a good. Maui Brewing's Sobrehumano Palena'ole (6.0%), brewed with passion fruit and cherries. Great label, shitty beer (sucks!). Don't waste your money! Real Ale Brewing 15th Anniversary Ale (9.8%) while good, made us ask the question, you've been doing this for 15 years and this is the best you can do? Yazoo Fortuitous (10%) smelled like a band-aid and didn't taste any better. Not sure if they were going for the band-aid taste, but if so, they nailed it! It sucked. Central Waters BBA Cherry Stout (10%)had a really nice bourbony flavor, rating a really good. Sand Creek's Lilja's Sasquatch Stout (7%) had a great label, but the beer was only so/so. Lost Coast Indica IPA (6.5%), would have been awesome if it was a homebrew, but it wasn't. We paid money for that beer, money we want back. It rated a so/so. Saint Arnold's Endeavor IPA (8.9%) was better, rating a good. Darkhorse Brewing's Boffo Brown Ale (6.5%) was a very plain, dull beer, rating a sucks. We followed that with another sucky beer, Michigan Beer Co.'s Celis Grand Cru (8.9%). Sand Creek Lilja's Argosy IPA (7%) was forgettable, rating a so/so. Buzzards Bay Brewing gave us Moby D (5.0%), a "whale of an ale". More like a "glass of ass". This one was so/so. Lightning Brewing's Electrostatic Ale (10%) was a tasteless Belgian turd bomb, rating a sucks. We finished the night with a pair of Brew Kettle beers. These guys have made some dogs in the past. The first one sampled was One-Eyed Jack Porter (6.6%) which was so/so. Their other offering, Old 21 (9.1%) redeemed them as we called it a good. So like that it was over. We staggered home, Bim ate a delicious burger, and we went to sleep with visions of Sexual Chocolate in our heads.

Black Dynamite - Can you Dig it?

Before the BC4M was even a twinkle in founding father Bim's cataract filled eyes, he had somehow managed to squeeze a small homebrewing set up in the cramped cat piss and dog turd filled garage that surrounds his beloved VW bus that he plans to "fix up one day". Using only the finest in all natural extract ingredients, he had churned out an endless supply of drain pours that while boasting witty names and catchy labels generally resulted in the drinker developing an acute case of dysentery.

Even after receiving scathing criticism as well as multiple death threats from the judges at the Greater Piedmont Malt Liquor Festival for dregs like Skidmark Brown and Pole Smoker Porter, Bim was undaunted in his quest to one day deliver a decent if not award winning home brew. Perhaps the worst of the worst was his collaboration with J. Wilder on their Swamp Fire Ale, a wee-heavy style ale brewed with real scorched peat dredged from the depths of the Dismal Swamp after a "guys" camping weekend which resulted in a fire that consumed 20,000 acres of pristine wetlands. It tasted and smelled so bad that when Fred first tried it, he though he had mistakenly poured himself a pint of extra strength Drano. Showing the tenacity exhibited by rabid chipmunks storing walnuts for winter, Bim was relentless in his efforts to brew a beer that was not only tasty but also FDA approved. After a late night hear to heart talk with BC4M's other resident home brewer, Crazy Ken on the virtues of his award winning all grain recipes, Bim decided that was just the trick to finally turn his luck around. Thinking his brewing equipment was outdated and in need of modernization he was desperate to come up with some quick cash. One night after downing a six pack of of high octane, he drunkenly placed an add on Craig's List offering his son's tricked out pizza delivery car for the astonishingly low price of 900 bucks. Awoken the next day to over 300 voicemails and texts from people anxiously wanting to buy the car, Bim quickly mulled through the offers and somehow milked 1500 clams and a lap dance from an industrious young coed with daddy issues. After setting up his new fully automated brewing system, his first recipe was for a Russian Imperial Stout and the results were simply amazing. "Damn, this actually tastes like real beer" said Snake, while Fred added, "This shit is dynamite". Bim then said, "Let's call it Black Dynamite" to which everyone quickly agreed. It wasn't long before the beer was ready to be bottled, and Bim unveiled the new label that stated:

"This beer is guaranteed to make you smarter, improve your stamina, make you attractive to women, make ugly chicks look pretty, improve your kung-fu skills, and make you one bad-ass dude. Can you dig it?"

Only 22 bottles of this were created, and Fred quickly got on Twitter to start trading them away. The recipe was so good, Bim decided he would create a whole lineup of "dynamite" beers, the first one being a vanilla bean infused one called "Ice Ice Dynamite"

Until then...drink up Jive Turkey!