D-Rail's Dieu Dieu Chili Night

Thursday had rolled around and we actually got to do a meeting on our normal night. Bim once again proved to be a competent host as we sat out under the stars listening to the soothing sounds of the babbling water feature in his back yard. Actually, the noises we were hearing were from the 5 billion bugs that migrate to Bim's backyard pond every summer to reproduce and cause general mayhem in the neighborhood. Armed with an industrial strength aerosol bug repellent that was probably on the EPA banned substances list, we set out to try another grouping of new beers. The lineup assembled for the evening included some remains from Fred's cache and amazingly enough even a few gifts from D-Rail himself. Fresh back from a job harvesting plantains on his Bolivian uncle Julio "Dirty" Rodriguez's Costa Rican commune, D-Rail had finally earned enough "dineros" to actually afford to bring the group a beer or two. Before we cracked open his offerings, we poured a Hoppin Frog Mean Manalishi Double IPA (8.2%). Fred mentioned it had to be named for the famed Judas Priest song that rocked during Bim's mullet wearing Z-28 Camaro driving days of the late 70's, but the ultra-hip and urbane J Wilder said it was actually a term describing someone who could "make it rain bitches". Snake said "I don't give a fuck what it means, pour me a damn beer". This tasted very hoppy and was a smooth concoction that made Bim say, "oh hell yea" and it rated a good. Next was a Voodoo Brewery Pilzilla Lager (6.7%) which featured a hop covered T-rex that supposedly depicted the power of the beer that resided inside. Clever names and snazzy labels aside, this beer in one word FUCKING SUCKS. The bottle should have had Godzilla's goofy nephew Godzookie on it cause it was weak as hell and it tasted like warm goat piss (well at least D-Rail says it does). Prince Mike even got into the discussion by describing this as "a failed short bus home-ec project". We moved on to a Pikes Naughty Nellie Artisan Golden Ale (4.7%). Malt, hop, and taste free, artisan evidently is Latin for 'alcohol free'. This beer was simply awful. Wilder wanted to know what made this fair haired Nellie so naughty, and we found out this beer was named after the saucy minx who ran the brothel in the town where this brewery was founded. Thin as a rail with no curves at all, this blonde could have made a fortune as the nightly entertainment at the local hoosegow, but as for us, we said no thank you madam. Further research shows that Naughty Nellie's are also cast iron boot jacks popular during the late 1800's that depict a spread legged harlot that would help you get your boots off when you went indoors. Nothing says "welcome home honey" from a long day slaving in the coal mines than a corseted floozy with her legs akimbo. Next was another from Voodoo Brewery, 4 Seasons IPA (8.0%) which according to the lads that make this suck ass chocolate IPA is a rotating release that is supposed to be a different recipe each season of the year. Bim said, "If I had brewed this, I'd walk around the neighborhood in my banana hammock with a chub". D-Rail proclaimed this to be "the Coors Light of IPA's" which was very astute of him. This one was so-so at best so we moved onward with a Heavy Seas Loose Cannon Hop3 IPA (7.25%). This hop-cubed ale is very drinkable and even though it claims to use 3 pounds of hops per barrel, it isn't overly hoppy at all. We finally decided to break out the D-Rail gift pack, starting with some new Canuck beers from a French-Canadian outfit called Brasserie Dieu Du Ciel (which Fred incorrectly interpreted to mean, "She has some big ole hooters", until the multi-lingual D-Rail chimed in that his Slovenian wet nurse had taught him how to speak fluent French and the words loosely meant the "God of the Sky" or "Heaven" restaurant. First up was Dieu Du Ciel Derniere Volonte (6.5%) which turned out to mean "last will". An abbey style ale, it was a typical Belgian style that was decent but nothing out of the ordinary. Dieu Du Ciel Corne Du Diable (6.5%) which we thought meant "chili con creamed corn" featured the devil with a goatee so big that according to Wilder "you could roast marshmallows on that sucker". This was a Belgian style IPA that was ok at best, but the label was swanky enough to elicit some praise from Bim, the resident art critic. River Horse Hop-A-Lot-Amus (8.5%) was a unfiltered double IPA that was simply ok and was not at all hoppy. It seems that many of the craft brew folks these days are spending more time on making up cutesy names rather than making beers that stand up to the designer label. Magic Hat Blind Faith IPA (6.2%) was offered next, and true to form, this was a watery mess that just didn't have any legs. IPA my ass exclaimed Wilder, and D-Rail put in his usual "this shit ain't as good as Bud Light". We then tried a Magic Hat Odd Notion Summer 2010 (5.5%). This ginger flavored bottle of crap was about as worthless as an ass tickling cum bubble. "Why the hell do they waste time with this shit" said Fred, as he went to pour his out. " I would rather lick the underside of a toilet seat at a truck stop than drink another ounce of this piss" said Wilder. To try and get the stench of this swill off our tongues, we moved to a Heavy Seas Peg Leg Imperial Stout (8.0%) which was as smoky as a Mississippi juke joint. Watery, but very tasty, this was a thin stout that at least rated a good and helped us erase the memories of the pooptastic Odd Notion. Dominion's Oak Barrel Stout (5.2%) was opened, and it was described by Snake as "a flat vanilla Coke". "Snap, Crackle and Stout", Prince Mike chimed in describing this weak ass brew that he said must have been made by the Keebler Elves. Another of D-Rails beers was brought to the table next, the Nogne O IPA (7.5%), a beer from Norway that was also a Belgian style IPA, that tasted better than the doo doo chili version and got a good. Bim produced another "beer" from the Magic Hat folks, #9 (5.1%), that was grape like in flavor without being too sweet. Easily the best beer these fools make, it was decent. The final beer of the evening was a Dieu Du Ciel Peche Mortel (9.5%) or "Mongo's Peach Sack" (really meaning Mortal Sin) was an imperial coffee stout that hit like a kick to the taint. This was probably the best beer of the night, and it had a remarkably easy drinkability so it rated a good. Upon finishing this one up we decided to call it a night as many of us had to work the next day, but fear not, we are fast approaching beer number 500, and we will have a special tasting to honor that feat. Until next time....don de doo motherfucka's.....

Wilder's Hodgepodge Sixer Night

Due to scheduling conflicts with work, the BC4M had another weekly meeting moved to a Wednesday. Snake, Bim, and Fred descended on casa de Wilder for a quick tasting session. With only 6 beers to rate, the night promised to be fast paced. First up was R.J. Rocker's Bell Ringer (8.5%) which was brought to us by one of J. Wilder's harem of beer smugglers who had risked life, limb and booty to score a few beers for us from the Piggy Wiggly (also known as Hoggly Woggly) in charming Goose Creek, South Carolina (or South Cackalacky for those in the know). This is easily the best beer RJ makes cause every other beer we try from him usually sucks. Smooth but not overpowering, this is a fortified malt grenade that smacks you in the chops and demands your respect. Everyone was surprised by the quality of this beer (maybe RJ was out of town and a guest brewer actually made this) and it got a solid good. Next up was Founders Old Curmudgeon Ale (9.8%) which featured an artists rendition of Fred's happier identical twin brother on the label. Sweet at first, the aftertaste left the feeling of having sipped a little fermented rhubarb, but the more we drank the better this got. "Apricot brandywine" said Johnny, and Fred chimed in "a sweet elixir, strong and rich". Bim stated "not thick, but still a great body" which we assumed he meant for the beer, not Wilder's cute labrador retriever. Ellicottsville Brewery's Pantius Droppus (11.5%) was next and it tasted like Tang in a bottle. Ladies, we agree the name is catchy and each member of the BC4M (with the possible exception of D-Rail) love to see a nice whaletail drop, but this crap was plain awful. It tasted so bad that Fred exclaimed, "this couldn't entice a $10 a night midget hooker to lose her grundle grippers", while Bim chimed in, "there is a reason why no one has ever heard of these guys, this shit sucks!" Most of us poured this napalm out with the exception of J. Wilder, who wouldn't throw out kerosene if it came from a beer bottle. Amazingly, it completely bleached a rust stain off the sidewalk when we tossed it out, so maybe it is good for something. Lancaster Brewing's Hop Hog IPA (7.9%) was perhaps the weakest IPA any of us had ever tasted. Perhaps the wild boar on the label had chewed up all the hops, or maybe the guys that brew this in Pennsylvania thought it was illegal to import hops for brewing. Either way, this was weak as hell and rated a sucks. To try and remove the bad taste from our mouths, we opened a Dogfish Head Squall IPA (9.0%). "Unfiltered, unfettered and unprecedented" shouted the bottle that supposedly contained a 90 minute IPA that was simple bottle conditioned and naturally fermented. It poured into the glass like the insides of a snow globe and Snake said, "this is like a bottle of dandruff, but it sure is tasty". A lithograph on the bottle showed the fabled schooner S.S. Manshank which according to the History channel had successfully fought off a marauding band of French transvestite privateers aboard the La Damisole Locheur (which we think means the "The Lucky Pierre") off the coast of Assateague Island in 1834. This was a fine beer that Bim stated was "basic but yet quite good". The final beer of the night was from the state of Oregon's Deschutes Brewery Obsidian Stout (6.4%). Brewed with the left overs from the lava flow of Mt Saint Helens this was stout like in taste and color (very smooth with strong coffee and chocolate malt flavor) but paper thin in body. It got a so-so as it simply wasn't an above par stout. When we drink a stout, we want to have a viscous fluid that pours like a pint of molasses in January. After we finished up this superficial stout, we adjourned for the evening. Snake and Bim had to work the next day but J. Wilder and Fred stayed up to watch the hilarious movie Snatch (Da ya like Dags? Dags? Yeah d'ya like dags? Oh you mean DOGS) and Saturday Night Live skits featuring classics like (I got a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell) to end the evening. Next up is our road trip to the World Beer Fest in Richmond. Come out and join us as we attempt to rate another 40 or 50 beers, or at least get hammered trying. Until then,we leave you with the immortal words of legendary rock producer Bruce Dickinson, "I gotta have more cowbell baby!"

Memorial Day Doubleheader

What is more quintessentially American on Memorial Day than apple pie, grilling out and a baseball doubleheader? Since we didn't have a pair of baseball games to attend, the BC4M decided to instead have a day-night beer tasting doubleheader. It was around 4 in the afternoon when Fred received a frantic text from Bim that exclaimed, "Get your ass over to Wilder's, we're drinkin". Hoping to get an official tasting in, Fred happily obliged and brought over some new beers he scored from the Craft Beer Outlet on a recent trip to Philly. While our better halves and kids frolicked in Johnny's Playboy mansion sized pool, the lads (Bim, J. Wilder, Fred and Snake) sojourned to the poolside cabana for some new taste experiences under a gorgeously cloudless day. Johnny brought out several new beers to go along with the new treats brought back from the cheesesteak capital of the world. First up was Evolution Exile ESB (5.8%), a Delaware microbrew that was decent and easy to drink but nothing special. Imagine if you will putting some Natty Light in a craft beer bottle and you would have some of this stuff. Sam Adams Pale Ale (5.25%) was next and let me tell you, Sammy should be drawn and quartered for putting this garbage out to the market. This is as much a pale ale as diet freaking sprite is. Hop free and flavor free, this was so-so at best and probably deserved a sucks. The next four beers all came from Old Dominion Brewing, (a little research shows that this outfit is 49% owned by Budweiser, WTF?) the Hop Mountain Pale Ale (5.6%) which was so-so (hop mountain must actually be the compost heap at the brewery, cause this sure as hell ain't hoppy at all), the Dominion Lager (5.6%) which was crisp, tightly balanced and decent, the Dominion Ale (4.7%) was utterly forgettable, and finally the newly created Beach House Golden Pilsner (5.2%) featured a Swiss family Robinson style beachside bungalow that looked as if Jimmy Buffet himself shacked up in it. This beer was perfect for a beach party and was light enough to drink all day and night. We moved on to another new seasonal, this time the Sam Adams Latitude 48 Pale Ale (5.8%). Brewed with hops from Germany, England and the U.S. that are all found on the 48th latitude, this is a refreshing, hoppy and satisfying beer. This is a great beer, one to enjoy while polishing off a few dozen oysters or perhaps with a nice brat or medium rare steak. Lion Brewery's Lionshead Lager (4.5%) which said "deluxe pilsner" on the bottle was a superb session beer. J. Wilder exclaimed, "I would sure as fuck drink a six kicker of this over Bud Light any day!" Next was another beer from Evolution Brewing, Lucky 7 Porter (5.8%), using 7 different malts, this was a chocolate and coffee flavored maltshake that was quite tasty. The opening round in our doubleheader then headed to extra innings as we found another couple of beers to try. While Fred scarfed down Bim's pistachios as fast as Takeru Kobayashi can wolf down 50 Nathans hot dogs, we opened a Blue Mountain Brewery Full Nelson (5.9%). This is made nearby in the hill country of Afton, Va, yet it tasted like it was instead made in the Proctor & Gamble plant while they were mixing up a batch of Purex laundry soap so it rated a sucks. The final beer of the afternoon was Capitol Square Imperial Doppelbock (6.0%). This beer was thin but very drinkable, and surprisingly light in color. We all wondered if this would be better classified as a bock, but it was tasty nonetheless and it rated a good. We then ended the first session and went to get ready for the offerings from the award winning grill master himself, Bim. He told us he had meticulously seasoned and marinated a 47lb tri-tip roast and was ready to serve the gluttonous horde of carnivores that were to arrive at his backyard patio.

While we awaited the dinner bell to ring, Fred received another text, this time from Frank the Tank that said he wanted to bring a few "beeahs" over to the cookout. Tank had somehow convinced his hometown cousins Carmine the Guinea and Vinnie Knuckles to allow him to "export" some of New Jersey's craft brews to his Dixie brethren in the BC4M. After paying a "shake down" fee to the goombah longshoremen crew that handles the "import/exports", Tank got to bring back a few beers (in the front seat of a 1972 candy apple red Ford Torino nonetheless) from the Flying Fish Brewing Company. Coupled with some more of the stash that Fred had assembled from the City of Brotherly love we convened in "da boardroom" (otherwise known as the kitchen) at Don Capo di Bim's (or as we refer to him, The Bimfather) for another round of tasting. First up was Exit 4 American Trippel (9.5%) which while tasting as smooth as a classic Frank Sinatra tune was thin in the body yet also sweet and tasty so it rated a good. Next was a Flying Fish Belgian Style Dubbel (7.3%) that was as thin as one of the "dancers" at the Bada Bing but still decent. We then moved to a Flying Fish ESB Amber Ale (5.5%) which was about as non descript as a beer can be. This stuff had no heart and no flavor, so it got a so-so. After downing the last of the Jersey beer with a hearty salude! we opened a bottle of Smuttynose IPA (6.9%). The KrazyItalianIrish girl had once opined that perhaps the label boasted a future likeness of the BC4M when they got a little more seasoned (i.e. old as fuck). Upon closer inspection, it does in fact look like Wilder and Fred as old timers, so thanks for the heads up little lady as our future selves look like dried up and crusty cornback bull vipers. The beer itself was very dry and not refreshing, and in the famous words of Snake, "I am dry as toast over here". Drinking one of these was like drinking a bottle of Sahara desert sand, as it left us dehydrated and in need of intravenous fluids. Thankfully, before Bim could get out his 12 gauge needles, we popped the cap off of a few beers from a newcomer to the waterfront in Philly, Yards Brewing Company. We started off with Yards Brewing Co. IPA (7.0%) which was excellent in taste but was not an IPA by any means. This should be classified as a pale ale, since it isn't hoppy at all, but it is still quite good. We then poured a Yards Brewing Co. Thomas Jefferson Tavern Ale (8.0%) which was said to have been brewed with "authentic ingredients". Evidently, what they meant by that is the malt is over 200 years old, and this swill tasted like it was brewed with some of Sally Hemming's bed sweat. Next was Yards Brewing Co. Brawler (4.2%). A "pugilist" style ale featuring a label that had Bill the Butcher from Gangs of New York putting the gunt butter to the Devil himself, this beer was very good and although it only packed a 4.2% kick, it would make an ideal beer for an all nighter . Only two beers remained, so we pulled out an Ommegang BPA (Belgian Pale Ale 6.2%), that tasted like it was made with about 6 tons of candy sugar cause this was sweeter than famous New York lavender suspender wearing mobster Tony "Stilleto Heels" Malvoroni. This rated a so-so since it made us all need an insulin injection to overcome the sweetness, although Fred is generally so grumpy, he should probably drink this stuff by the case. The final beer of the evening was another sour ale from our new friends at Russian River Brewing, Consecration (10.0%). This is an ale aged in cabernet sauvignon barrels with currants added for good measure. Once again, Bim said "not my cup of tea", while Tank's facial expression said something along the lines of "that shit is sour as fuck!" Only Johnny Wilder and Fred liked the taste but once you get over the fact that you just drank a bottle of sour patch kids, you realize its actually quite good. Like the tasting of Supplication on an earlier night, the mixed reviews prevailed and this got a so-so. With that, the games were over, and we trudged home with a spring in our steps knowing that we had preserved that great American doubleheader tradition of grilling and drinking.