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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

BC4M Road Trip to Hardywood Park



With the craft beer revolution rapidly taking hold across our fruited plains, new breweries are sprouting up as fast as a case of gonorrhea among sailors frequenting the all you can eat pussy buffet at a Subic Bay strip club. All this new brewing has the fine folks in our home state of Virginia finally clawing their ways from the barren depths of what we affectionately call the "Beermuda Triangle". One of the newest entries into the market is Hardywood Park Craft Brewery of Richmond. They have been in operation for less than a year and have already had one of their beers, Gingerbread Stout earn the coveted 100 score from Beer Advocate magazine. Seeing as how they are located a mere 90 miles (45 minute driving time when J. Wilder is at the wheel) and with news of a new beer being released, it only seemed logical that the BC4M would drop in and see "what the fuck was up". This past weekend Fred and Bim hopped in Wilder's "bumblebitch" and jetted up I-64 to the state capitol in search of Hardywood's newest release, Strawberry Wit. Johnny made like a young Dale Earnhardt and shaved 15 minutes off his previous best time to Richmond by utilizing the emergency lane as his own personal hov route. "Why not? that shit's empty and going to waste" he said as we zoomed past a bevy of slow moving tourist traffic bearing yankee (i.e. fucking fast talking northern types named Sal and Vinny) plates. We made our way through the seedy part of old Richmond, narrowly dodging a pair of young panhandlers looking for a good time and arrived at the brewery. A decent sized crowd was gathered so we swiftly made our way towards the door when Bim noticed a maze of vines covering up the front of the building. Bim, an avid green thumber with a backyard cornucopia of vegetables, herbs and fruits, many of which are invasive species that violate not only the Kyoto Protocol but also the Clean Air Act, deduced that the vines were most likely fast growing tasmanian kudzo that can quickly engulf its host and obviously needed a healthy dose of industrial strength Roundup mixed with Agent Orange to be tamed. We went in and found a staff member and told her about the kudzu epidemic out front to which she shrieked, "Those are our citra hop vines you fucking morons!". "Hmm" said Bim, "guess I better get my eyes checked again, that glaucoma thing must setting in". Inside, a pleasantly furnished bar welcomes you, but Fred immediately noticed that the tap list strangely didn't include Strawberry Wit. A quick glance at his phone caused him to realize they had arrived a week too early so he sheepishly told Wilder and Bim, "Ummm, its sorta funny, here I thought today was July 14th". "That's next week I think" said Bim, while Wilder added "So what your saying is we ain't tasting no mother fucking strawberry wit today". A still confused Bim then asked, "so are they or aren't they releasing Strawberry Wit today?" "Sorry guys, looks like I am a fucking maroon" said Fred. Determined to make the best of it, we went to a second bar located in the back and found they were pouring their new session beer, Hardywood Park SB 604 (3.8%), an "American style special bitter". Brewed to honor the recent passage of the bill that allows breweries to sell pints on premises, this beer was utterly forgettable. Watery and weak like 2% milk, Fred asked, "Is this a sample from the rinse bucket, or is this actually the beer?". "I don't taste anything" said Wilder, "sessionable my ass" he added. With little or no taste and definitely no alcohol kick we begrudgingly gave it a so/so. Next we wandered over to a table where a couple of firkins of special one-off beers were available. First we tried  Bourbon Hoplar (8.5%), their IPA aged in bourbon barrels. Dark caramel in color with what appeared to be an army of floaties having an orgy, this one was bourbon forward from the start and never let up. There is the faintest of hop bite at the end, but overall it was still delicious and rated a good despite the beer looking like a batch of pumpkin punch. It was about this time that two young hoochie mamas sauntered up and asked if we wanted any lunch from the mobile gut wagon  parked haphazardly out front. Food trucks are all the rage these days with seemingly every conceivable style of food available from road kill to ice cream. When the girls told Bim about their delicious and exotic "hot dogs", he immediately ran outside thinking he was about to score with either a frisky german shepherd or perhaps an adorable bichon frise. Much to his dismay, they were actually referring to good old fashioned weiners, to which Bim sarcastically replied "I already got one of those". We then sampled a Bourbon Mocha (7.2%), the bourbon version of their delicious Mocha Belgique. Dark as a Tanzanian street walker's ass crack under a moonless sky, it poured with a limited head but the taste was phenomenal. Cocoa and bourbon are expertly paired in a beer that is just thick enough without drinking like cough syrup. "That shit is fucking amazing" said Fred, while Bim added "I just don't get any strawberries at all". Hopefully they put this one in bottles because it is an amazing beer, right on the cusp of RFG status. Since we were short on time and we wanted to hit up local bottle shop Cork's and Kegs on the way home we decided to head out until we realized Bim was missing. Bim, who is prone to wandering off like your grandpa does during a visit to Walmart, was nowhere to be found until Wilder spotted him taking a leak on the hop vines out front. "I got no where else to go" said Bim as he hurriedly finished before being arrested for both crop endangerment and public indecency. All in all, despite the fuck-up from our resident savant, it was a great road trip and we plan on making a return visit. Until next time, when you have travel plans, stick with Travelocity or Expedia before letting Fred book your next trip....




2 comments:

Anonymous said...

90 miles for a strawberry wit...pathetic. You guys are losing it. Just think, you could have got a six pack, painted your toenails and watch the entire Twilight saga. LOSERS!!!

ILuvTheBirch said...

As usual you guys are always interested in anything with "wood" in it.Fags!