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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Norfolk Beer Festival


Norfolk…. Ahhhhh, glorious Norfolk , Virginia.  What images instantly appear? Drunken, swearing. heavily tatooed sailors? Filthy rat infested shipyards? Hate crimes? Polluted waterways where the fish have open sores? Yes we have  all that, but we are also so much more. If beer isn’t the first thing that comes to mind, you’re not alone. However, early May saw the Norfolk Beer festival on the waterfront. The unwashed masses came to celebrate AMERICAN craft beers, and that we did. Dozens of well-known breweries came to share their blandest beers. Goose Island brought the Honkers Ale and 312, but left the Bourbon County Stout in Chicago. Weeping Radish had all their swill. Oskar Blues, on the other hand, was pouring Gordon (AKA Gknight) their RFG red ale. The BC4M made a showing, sampling only about 6 of the offerings. The highlight of the day came when the folks from Beach Brewing, along with Rob from the Lynnhaven Pub (the undisputed BEST beer bar in Hampton Roads) invited us to sample their beers, some cask Hoptopus and their latest creation, Devil's Take. The folks at Beach really treated us as we expect to be treated. We got the full SIP treatment (somewhat important person). We will rate the Devil’s Take later, but suffice it to say it kicks ass! They also graciously allowed us to try a barrel aged Bourbon Cru from a new brewery in Richmond, Hardywood Park. While we could not make an official rating (requires at least 6 testicles present and we only had 4 testicles and 4 ovaries) we were bowled over at the depth of this beer. The following day our head beer procurer made a trip to Richmond, and like Warren Buffet in a roid rage, he bought all their existing  stock. 

So what is a group of microbrew alcoholics to do after a full day of drinking beer? Why, head to our hood and drink more beer! The meeting kicked off with members Fred, Crazy, Snake, Bim  and J. Wilder in attendance.  As the beer continued to flow, Florence Naughtygale brought up the subject of budget cuts in our fair city, and the fact that most paramedics are now unemployed. Fred, the local Tea Party chairman took offense. A heated discussion ensued, halted only by Fred’s apparent stroke. Unfortunately for Fred, due to layoffs, there was only one paramedic on duty that night, and he was hours away. Fuck it! We chose to continue drinking, amused by Fred’s slurry speech and drooling. All the while  being totally entertained as we fed him chips into his “strokey” side and laughed hysterically as he pissed his pants. “What a loser” said Snake. “Even my grandma can hold her urine!” Fred looked on the outside as if he was crying, but we’d like to believe he was laughing on the inside! We started the evening with a Flying Dog Snake Dog IPA (7.1%). This beer is no Bitter Valentine, rating a so/so. 512 Double Pecan Porter (8.2%) was whiskey barrel aged, always a plus, but was a little watery and very bubbly. It was a bit of a disappointment, rating only a good. Breckenridge Stranahan's Well Built ESB (7.8%) drew us in like a hungry baby at a titty bar. This was truly a well built, smooth beer, liked by all, rating a really good. Cigar City Jose Marti American Porter (8%) aged in French oak barrels, was a twenty dollar disappointment, rating a sucks. Schneider Aventinus 2005 (8.2%) is still a great beer that only gets better with age. This beer was a really good. Arcadia Barrel Aged Porter (12%) was good, but really nothing special, rating a good. We ended the night with a Dogfish Head URKontinent (8.1%) an abbey dubbel. This beer was different for the DFH folks, and while we liked it, it only garnered a good. At around midnight, a visibly grey and slumping Fred coughed up what appeared to be a live chipmunk. After flying out of his mouth, it scampered into the woods. And like that, Fred was cured. (Please don’t over-analyze this story. Yes, we know that rodents don’t cause strokes, but they can carry a bunch of other scary diseases, and we've all heard horror stories about guys who shoved them up their butts. And, having Fred Flintstone cough up a chipmunk is a lot more uplifting than having him die of a painful stroke while his friends ridiculed him, now isn’t it?

I’d like to end with a new feature we call, CUT IT OUT! This is where we choose a really bad brewer, and plead with them to stop brewing. With over 2000 breweries in the US today, there’s bound to be some who are in it for the money, fame, or possibly just trying to poison us, with no regard to their quality or craft. The inaugural installment of CUT IT OUT!  would like to recognize Anheuser Busch. They tried to fool us with Budweiser American Ale, but it soon became apparent that their only real goal was to sell us swill that made fat chicks seem skinny and made us believe we were stronger and better hung than we really are. While it does those things well, nothing from these guys is palatable. PLEASE STOP!

In closing, we leave you with this hip BC4M Public Service Announcement, Stroke Ain't No Joke!

1 comments:

Iluvthebirch said...

Dam you guys are bunch of fags! Everyone knows there are no good beers in America!