It's a Festuvus for the Rest of Us

Fred is a holiday junkie. He loves the holidays, celebrating Kwanzaa (here he is in his ceremonial Kwanzaa cap), Hanukkah, Christmas, Winter Solstice, and his favorite of all the winter holidays, FESTIVUS! Bim offered to host this years Festivus party, and the boys gathered around his festivus pole for a pre-Christmas beer tasting extravaganza. We started the evening with a Terrapin/BFM collaboration, Spike and Jerome's Collaboration Ale (10.276%). This combination 2/3 ale and 1/3rd ale matured in rum barrels, had zero carbonation and was a bit thin, but still rated a good. Next was the latest weird beer from Stone, Belgo Anise Imperial Russian Stout (10.5%). Big Audio liked it, making us all question his sanity. For everyone else, it was like a liquid version of Good and Plenty licorice, and was a so/so at best. Fred supplied more west coast beers, starting with a Pelican India Pelican Ale (7.5%). This was a nice, smooth IPA. It wasn't overpowering at all, and rated a good. DuClaw, which is quickly becoming one of our surprisingly good east coast breweries, supplied Misery (10%), a wheat wine ale. Damn, this was a fine beer! Sweet, syrupy, and tasting more like a dopplebock, it easily rated a really good. Next up was Deschutes The Stoic (6.5%). This Belgian style quad tasted like a Belgian style quad. It was a fine example of this style and very drinkable. Then it was back to the Midwest with a Jackie O's Cellar Cuvee 6 (6%). This is a really good sour, but you'd better like sours cause this bitch is sour as hell! Now for a real treat, Bim busted out his 2005 and 2007 Dogfish Head Raison D'extras, the older one which was a gift from Johnny Wilder and which Bim has been salivating over for a year. Holy fuck Batman, this shit just keeps getting better! The 2007 was still a little hot on the alcohol side, but the 2005 was simply amazing. The 2007, while really good, couldn't match the 2005's RFG status. Kern River Brewing Co. gave us the Just Outstanding IPA (6.8%), which, unlike it's name, was just good. Stone's Vertical Epic (9.4%), brewed on 11-11-11, tasted like something... we're just not sure what that something was. This beer had a strong chili flavor, and was only so/so. Sam Adams Infinium 2011 (10.3%) was next. Jim Koch claims to have reworked the recipe this year, but for $20 a bottle, he needs to go back to the drawing board. We can name 50 better beers for under 20 bucks, and this one is only a good. At this point Snake changed the topic to lesbians. Snake, recently saw a story about two Navy lesbians who had the "first kiss" upon debarking from a recent deployment. He showed us all the picture, and just like that, Johnny Wilder bolted out of the house and down to the nearest recruiting station to enlist, never to be seen again. The guy loves lesbians! Snake, however, then showed up the lesbian photos that he keeps in his wallet. He apparently glances at the photo of these "cockblockers" to prevent any inappropriate arousals when on one of his planking adventures. On to more beers! Widmer Brothers Reserve Galaxy Hopped Barleywine Ale (9.5%) had a fancy box, a decent taste, and rated a good. Columbia Rivers's Paddler's Porter (9.0%) was another of Fred's finds from his trip out west. What a nice beer. A hint of cocoa nibs with the addition of Brooklyn's Best Coffee. The group was unanimous this was a really good. DuClaw's Retribution (9.0%) is an imperial bourbon barrel stout that spent 6 mos inside a bourbon barrel. Fred immediately piped in that that was nothing. He spent 9 mos inside his mom's uterus, and he was an RFG. While not highly rated on-line, we gave it a RFG. This beer has a great boozy flavor and should age wonderfully. We then changed gears, re-rating a beer that we hated the first time, Founders Dry-hopped Pale Ale (5.4%). The first time we tasted this it was found in a corner of a hillbilly beer store. We guessed that it may have been made sometime in the early 1940's! It was an over-carbonated mess. This time around, the beer had a nice taste and normal carbonation, rating a good. By this time of the night, the alcohol was really starting to fog our brains. Only 3 more to go! Midnight Sun's Extra Stout (7.8%) had more body that a Guinness. This was a very pleasant beer, a good session stout, rating a good. Big Audio Dynamite brought a growler mix from Gordon Biersch. He challenged us to name the combination. Crazy suggested that it was urine and gasoline, Wilder suggested it was used dialysis fluid and Round-up, but in actuality, it was hefeweizen and winter bock, and rated a so/so. And with that we were on to our last beer, Diamond Knot Brewing's Whip Ale (7.8%). After the first sip, we all wanted to whip the ass of the fucknut who brewed this shit. Imagine what Nickelback would taste like if they were beer??? This is it. What a way to end the night. With the taste of this beer still on our palates in the morning, no doubt we will all assume that we must have thrown up at some point during the night. Happy Festivus. "During the past year you people have disappointed me in the following ways..."

BC4M "Best of 2011" edition

Each year, the Founding Fathers get together to cull the vast riches of our beloved beer archive and put together a list of the funniest quotes recorded by the members. Mind you, half the time we are shit-housed drunk, so sometimes the translations are lost among the scribblings that pepper our pages. Since the BC4M was soon to be celebrating its second anniversary, Fred, Johnny Wilder and Bim decided to get together and try a few of the new beers Fred had brought back from his recent trip to Pelican Pub and Brewery on the coast of Oregon. We figured while we drank we could find time to cobble up a list of our favorite BC4M beer blog quotes and devise a "Best of 2011" top ten.  We started the meeting off with a Pelican Doryman's Dark Ale (5.8%). This is their brown ale and while we don't go out of our way to try browns, this one doesnt disappoint. Strong malt character followed with just a tad bit of hops gives it a decidedly nice finish. A solid good, we then went on to the Pelican Bad Santa (6.7%). Thinking we were getting a typical holiday spiced ale or winter warmer, we were surprised to read the label declaring it to be a Cascadian dark ale, or what some like to term a black IPA. This is a decent interpretation of the style and was also a good. Next was the Pelican MacPelican's Wee Heavy (8.9%) a Scotch ale that was freaking delicious. "Fuck, that's almost as good as Old Chub" said Bim, while Wilder replied, "shit, aint nothing beats gettin an old chub". Bordering on RFG status, this one is well worth a test drive as it delivers a sweet malty punch balanced by a nice alcoholic backbone. On to our next beer, we tried a Pelican Stormwatcher's Winterfest (13.0%), their standard barleywine. Nestle had fallen in love with the three different vintages she had tried with Fred on their recent trip to Oregon. This one is dark, rich and full of fig and toffee notes, with a panty peeling warm finish from the high alcohol content. "I wanna bathe my nad pouch in this nectar all night" said Wilder, as Fred added, "Sticks to your stomach like a warm plate of shit on a shingle". We decided it was among the very best barleywines we had ever tasted so it got a unanimous RFG. Hoping to find another gem, we pried the top off of this years Pelican Mother of All Storms (13.5%). The boys at Pelican take their Stormwatcher's and then age it in bourbon barrels and the results are in the words of Nestle "shut the front door good". Butter toffee, caramel, a hint of vanilla and chocolate perfectly paired with a fiery bourbon glaze, this is a sipping beer that is simply fucking amazing. "Its like all my favorite candy bars splooged together on my tongue" said Bim, while Fred added, "As warm and cuddly as a pair of DD's". Another bottle of perfection, this one too got an RFG. We ended the night with the new collaboration between a couple of our favorite brewers, The Bruery / Dogfish Head Faster Bigger Better Bolder (8.25%). Brewed with seemingly every available spice and essence known to the Japanese people, including the always tasty cumquat and a "seven spice schichimi togarashi blend" ("Man I love me some chimichangas" said Fred), this one is effervescent like a Sprite and spicy like a Belgian trippel. Interesting and definitely unique, it only garnered a good since it seemed to be trying to be a lot of things at once but it is crisp and refreshing and would probably pair well with seafood dishes. Out of beer, we had determined our best one liners and present them to you now....but be warned...some are not for the faint of heart....

The Best of 2011

10) "Enough carbonation to power a Dutch windmill"

9) "Smells like a rabid skunk pissed on your taint"

8) "Tastes like paint thinner mixed with cheap tequila"

7) "Like a big slimey load to the tonsils"

6) "Tastes as gamey as the live well on the back of a bass boat"

5) Get ya spoon girl, cuz if you can gum this schlong, you getz yo rock"

4) "Smells as fresh as a 3 week old tampon pulled from a dumpster"

3) "About as moist as a freshly pummeled Nicaraguan brown eye"

2) "Do I taste nutmeg, or is that a little man-spice"

1) "Went down as easily as a 3 dollar a night mouth hugger"

Until Next year.....Ho Ho Ho bitches....

Road Trip to Appalachia

BC4M , tired of only having 400 different beers awaiting tasting, decided a road trip for more beer was in order. This time, it was Jackie O's 6th anniversary...9+ hrs of driving time, each way, for a bottle release... no problem! Jackie O's is a small brewpub in a fairly rural area of south eastern Ohio, best known for Ohio University, coal miners, and professional partiers! Head Brewer Brad Clark is one of the most innovative brewers on the East Coast, producing multiple different sours and a whole variety of barrel-aged beers. Fred, Nestle, Bim and Florence loaded up the beermobile and headed west. First stop was Blue Mountain Brewery in Afton, VA. We were fairly harsh on this brewery in the past, and while we don't ever apologize for skewering a brewer for manufacturing swill, these guys are definitely improving. We sampled a flight of beers, including a few that we've had in the past. The consensus was that the Full Nelson (5.9%) was a better beer than we initially rated it, and their winter seasonal, Lights Out (7.0%) was very nice, both rating a really good, but the others, Blue Mountain Lager (5.3%), Kolsch 151(5.0%), Evil 8 (7.7%) and the Rockfish Wheat (5.4%) were no better than good at best. But the real reason we stopped here was for the Dark Hollow (10%), and it didn't disappoint. This barrel aged imperial porter was available on Nitro in the pub, and in bottles as well. While we generally have not jumped on the nitro train, we found that this beer on tap was better than the bottle version, and a gnat's ass away from being an RFG. Four hours of driving later, we were sufficiently inebriated enough to head into West Virginia and beyond. Now before any of you jackwads start giving me grief, I am joking... don't go all "Mr. Turner" on my ass.
After an uneventful ride through West Virginia, we rolled into Athens, checked into the hotel, and headed straight to Jackie O's. The pub was featuring almost 40 of their special beers on tap ( Cherry Wood Ya Honey, Bourbon Berry Grove, Chunga's Oud Bruin, Dark Apparition (nitro), Funky South Paw, Brown Recluse, Bolero Brown, Double Dry Hopped Matriarch, Dark Apparition (Kopi Lowak), Oil of Aphrodite (Kopi Lowak), Oil of Aphrodite (Cherry Chocolate), 1/2 Shark-Alligator - 1/2 Man, Matriarch, Mystic Mama, Raccoon Dubbel, Hocking Triple, Captain Barley Heart, Berliner Weisse, Great Googly Moogly (Nitro), Cab Cherry Man, Dark Apparition (Nuts), Cellar Cuvee #1, Cellar Cuvee #2, Cellar Cuvee #3, Cellar Cuvee #4, Cellar Cuvee #5, Cellar Cuvee #6, Dark Apparition (Rum Barrel), Slim Pickins, Firefly Amber Ale, Great Googly Moogly, Wood Ya Honey, Bourbon Barrel Middle of Nowhere, Matriarch (Nitro), Hop Ryot, Baklava Braggot, Scottish, 6th Anniversary Sour Blend, a few IPA's and pale ales among the group, but the lot was made up of mostly barrel aged beers. Almost every one of these beers was a winner, so see the Beer Bible for ratings. We've been to a few bottle releases, but this one was unique. Beginning at around midnight, a line began to form outside and at 2am the bar closed, further filling the line in front of the pub. Then, one by one we were given pages from a desk calender which designated our order for beer distribution in the morning. Off to bed at 3:43 am, only to return the next morning where we tasted a few more beers and waited for our number to be called. Knowing we had a 9 hr drive back, we worked our way to the front of the line, pleaded our case to Brad, collected our beers and began the long ride home, another uneventful trip through West Virginia. All in all, it was a great trip, but one we probably won't repeat for a while. Lets hope there's some RFG's in the group.

Postscript:  No road trip through rural Appalachia would be complete without a Ned Beaty clip, but after viewing it, I found myself in the corner, curled in the fetal position, sobbing like an infant. This movie, made in 1972, is still a sphincter tightening nightmare. Watch it if you want, but you've been warned! Best enjoyed with a Founders Backwoods Bastard!