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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Friday, July 15, 2011

BC4M Sour Fest 2011


A few weeks back Fred was surfing Internet porn sites one afternoon and somehow between clicking on world renowned sites such as "ratemycameltoe.com" and "bukakke wives", stumbled across a news report that said Stone Brewing was having a "Sour fest" in the coming weeks. Knowing that the BC4M wouldn't be able to fly to the land of "fruits, nuts and tree hugging banana slug lovers" in time to partake in what appeared to be a phenomenal beer festival, your favorite beer chugging hooligans decided to stage the first annual "BC4M Sour Fest". We called our newest member, The Drunken Polack, and invited him over to join us for a night of tongue curling excitement. Fred even spent half an afternoon printing up a fancy menus on parchment paper to make it look like we were participating in a "serious" event.
The first beer of the night was an Oude Kriek Boon (6.5%). This one was so tart that one BC4M member declared, "This shit is so sour, my tongue just crawled up my ass". Snake added, "This is like drinking a piece of sour Big Red gum" to which Bim replied,
"if you dont chew Big Red, then Fuck You!" Even though the bottle poured a weeks worth of aquarium sediment into our tasting glasses, the flavor was deliciously tart and so it garnered a good. Next up was a New Belgium w/ Allagash Lips of Faith Vrienden (8.5%). This one is brewed with hibiscus and endives (or chicory). "Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to throw cabbage leaves in a beer?" said Fred as we commenced to try a beer that was about as exciting as a night in a Motel 6 hot tub with a middle aged english teacher hopped up on "X" named Miss Crabcrotch who sported a hairy upper lip and a case of the gout. "This shit fucking sucks" said Bim as we basically poured out a substance that should be re-classified by the E.P.A. as a toxic waste. Next was a second tasting of Raccoon Lodge and Brewpub's Cascade The Bourbonic Plague (11.5%). This is an amazingly complex beer that blends strong dark porters and ages them in oak barrels for up to 14 months. Rich, smooth and full of flavor, the vanilla bean character comes out at you with a hint of sour funk. This one is a winner and received a really good. We then went to the fridge and pulled out a Deschutes The Dissident 2010 Reserve (10.5%). A Flanders Oud Bruin, it is slightly vinegary with just the slightest hint of sweetness. It seemed just a tad bit flat, so we only rated it a good. Next we had a Jolly Pumpkin La Roja (7.2%). Featuring a label on the bottle that sported a pole smoking feline in the tradition of Broadway musicals about garish pantaloon and sash wearing butt pirates, we were surprised to find that the amber ale inside had just the right amount of tartness without making you feel like you just downed a handful of sour gummy worms. Another solid good, we moved on to a De Proef Reinaert Flemish Wild Ale (9.0%). This one promised triple fermentation and wild yeast in the lambic tradition, but in the end, all we tasted was a glass full of "creamed corn" according to Fred's better half Nestle Goodbody. "This one reminds me of the yeast infection I fought on one of my patients" said Bim, as he proceeded to retell the story of culturing a loaf of sourdough from a toothless crack addict he had tended to at the local free clinic he does volunteer work at. "I would rather tongue wrestle the dirty bellybutton of a bed pan cleaner than drink another drop of this crap" he added. A clear sucks, we washed out our tasters and moved on to a bottle of New Belgium La Folie 2011 (6.0%). Better than the previous New Belgium entry, it was a decent interpretation of the classic Rodenbach style sour red and it took home a good rating. Hoping to continue our luck we then opened a bottle of Brouwerij Van Honsebrouck Gueze Fond Tradition (5.0%). After watching a volcanic explosion of carbonation dissipate, we were rewarded with the tartest sour of the night so far. Crisp, incredibly sour and as cloudy as a hurricane filled sky, the sharp bite of the sour demon inside was just a bit to much for the assembled crowd and only one person voted for good, while the majority claimed it was a so-so. Not deterred by the mouth puckering spasms created by the Gueze, we turned to a Raccoon Lodge and Brewpub Cascade Kriek Ale (7.1%) , a Flanders Red that is aged in oak barrels. This one is more sweet than sour but still gives your mouth that subtle vinegary flavor that you might get from a bottle of aged wine. This one was a crowd pleaser as it got a really good rating, making it one of the better beers of the night. Next was a Brouwerij Van Honsebrouck Kasteel Rouge (8.0%), which is more of a fruit beet than a true sour. Opening this one produced a bouquet of black cherry aromas that made us think we were opening a can of soda instead of beer. "No fucking way this is 8 percent" said Wilder as he sipped this dark red treat that reminded most of us of a Luden's cough drop. Indeed, it was much more fruity than sour, but it did have a very soft sour undertone and so it got a good. Moving on, we opened a Cantillon Iris (5.0%), a 2006 vintage that held loads of promise. Cantillon is considered one of the greatest makers of sours in the world, so we were excited about trying this one. Smelling like a can of musty lemon Pledge, the taste was even worse than the smell. Even D-Rail, whose stomach liner frequently endures the scarring from being subjected to copious amounts of "el diablo del douche" or in frat house parlance, Bud Light, suggested that he couldn't stomach another sip of this "horrible shit". Bim, who sometimes moonlights as a "maid for hire" named "Dusty Hammerjacker" proclaimed, "There ain't a cum stained pillowcase in town that this shit couldn't make squeaky clean". This one was a complete let down and garnered a sucks in the process, but most of their other stuff is world class so if you can get a bottle of their wares, do yourself a favor and pick some up. An Italian sour was up next, the Panil Barriquee (8.0%), which is self proclaimed as the "only all natural, traditional" sour made in the world. A newly arrived 10 pm took the first sip and said, "Thats sour!", followed by his usual immediate declaration of "not sure I care for it". This one was a split vote, as the sourness overwhelmed the sweetness that was trying to come out, and perhaps with a little aging, this one will mature into a more balanced elixir. For now, a simple good was the rating, so we then moved on to a De Proef Zoetzuur (7.0%), a beer we had previously tried and liked quite a bit. The name is Flemish for "sweet-sour", and it is made by combining Belgian Kriek with a standard base ale. The taste was off in this bottle as it was neither tart nor sweet and had a stale musty taste that screamed either barnyard funk or freshly filled baby diapers. "Like chewing on a bale of wet hay" said Fred, as Wilder added, "wet from the horse piss that just got sprayed on it", so we only gave this one a so-so. Next was a bottle of the collaboration beer from The Bruery & Cigar City, ISO:FT (9.0%). Taking their tasty Marron Acidifie and adding California dates and Florida guava, this one is classified as an American wild ale that was quite tart and dry on the tongue. A solid good, it will also probably age well and get more robust and balanced with time. The final sour of the night was a Brouwerij Rodenbach Grand Cru (6.0%). This one is a blend of beers at various ages that are then allowed to mature in oak vats. It is described as having a balsamic vinegar like flavor, but it was slightly more fruity than vinegary. Various fruit flavors like blackberries, raspberries and wild cherries all mingled into a fantastically crisp and slightly dry finish that was very refreshing. This one was the highlight of the night and it got a really good. By this time, our tongues had been abused like the meat flaps of a roadside floozy after a 12 man gang bang, so we decided to end the night with an Alesmith X (5.0%). This one is a simple pale ale, and although we at the BC4M are serious hopheads, this one is quite nice in its own right as it delivers a clean fresh taste without dive bombing your taste buds with a Normandy style hop invasion. A solid good, this is the type of beer you use for introducing your pop-collared, tribal arm band tattooed brother in law into the world of "real" beer and not the lame watered down "frost-brewed" zebra urine he normally chugs down like a chihuahua in heat. By now we were all a bit toasty, and some of the members had to work the next day,  so we decided to call it a night by watching Fred and Wilder do a rousing rendition of that timeless FM staple, Escape, The Pina Colada Song.....................

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