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We are still alive!!! Despite a prolonged absence, we are alive and well. It takes a lot of work to keep our fans entertained, and to be honest, we are the laziest fuckers you will ever meet. That, and the fact that we have 3 members who are retarded and only 2 who are functionally literate, and you can see how this is such a chore. We are basically no smarter than a hoard of howler monkeys

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Road Trip to Foothills Brewing

Each year, various breweries around the country have a release party for their rarest of rare beers. Brewing heavyweights like Three Floyd's have their Dark Lord Day, Surly has Darkness Day and Portsmouth Brewing's Kate the Great Day all mean one thing, long as fuck lines but lots of really fucking good beers to buy, trade and taste. Since the closest of those places is over 16 hours away, we thought we were SOL when it came to getting some of our favorite beers direct from the breweries themselves. Thinking we would have to once again resort to the extortionist pricing of Ebay to obtain these once a year gems, we were pleased to discover that a relatively local brewery was having their annual release party this past week. Foothills Brewing in Winston Salem NC releases a Russian Imperial Stout called Sexual Chocolate every year and the boys of the BC4M decided a road trip was in order. We had tried the 2010 version of Sexual Chocolate (or as Nubian queen aficionado Bim likes to call it Luscious Cocoa) and had rated it a really good so were looking forward to getting our hands on some more. We found out the bottle limit was 4 per person, the bottles would go on sale at 11 am and that lines started forming as early as 3 or 4 am. Most of the BC4M membership was either out of town on work related stuff or in the case of Bim, off to Maggie Valley, NC to serve as Grandmaster for the 14th annual Banjo and Ammo Festival. This left only Johnny Wilder and Fred available for the trip. Since we wanted to maximize the number of bottles we could get, we recruited our brides to come along for an all night energy drink and beef jerky fueled race against the clock. Wilder's wife, Dr. Cricket Sassafrass begged off from the trip since she was scheduled to film a self-defense video titled "Bitch Please" at her kickboxing studio, so our trip became a modern day version of the classic bootlegging movie, Smokey and the Bandit with Bandit (Fred), and the Snowman (Wilder) hopping in Frog's (Foxy Flamingo) grocery getter. We set off at 2am, with the outside temperature a balmy 24 degrees, driving down the longest and possible most boring trek of asphalt in all of America, Route 58. This notorious hodgepodge of 4 lane highway features speed limits that seem to change at almost every turn and usually has some Kojak with a Kodak waiting to bust you for going 57 in a 55. We made it past the gauntlet of Smokies by creeping along with the cruise control set dead nuts on the posted speed and then thankfully reached I-85 where we could finally put the "pedal to the metal". The trip went smoothly, and before we knew it, we could see the skyline of downtown Winston Salem. The brewery is right off the exit, so as we turned the corner, we could see a small throng of people lined up for a chance to claim a few bottles of Sexual Chocolate. As we parked and gathered our meager belongings, we quickly realized we had not prepared as well as we should have. We saw portable heaters, grills, and coolers filled with what we would later find out was a plethora of hard to get beers that the fine folks in line were eager to share. We set up camp about 150 people deep in the line, and promptly began to freeze our asses off. "Hmm, supposed to be 60 and sunny later today" said Wilder, as Fred replied, "Lets hope we survive that long". Foxy added, "Remind me again who's idea this was?" as both her and Wilder glared at the now suffering from hyperthermia Fred.

"This shit better be worth losing my left nut for" said Wilder, as he bundled up from head to toe in a full length royal blue snuggie to fight off the numbing pain from the cold. It was so cold, that the texting mad Wilder couldn't keep up with his 20,000 text a day habit, leading him to spew a volley of wise cracks to the two billy goat herders behind us that deemed it warm enough for shorts and t-shirts. Luckily for him, right across the street from the brewery is the local methadone clinic that seemed to be giving something away from the looks of the crowd pouring in and out of the place. Six thirty in the morning and it was as busy as a Dunkin Donuts having a free donut giveaway. The hours stretched by as we patiently awaited for the sun to rise and hopefully thaw us out, and we noticed that the majority of folks in line with us looked like they belonged at a Deadhead show, not a craft beer release. Finally, the line started moving, and as we slowly made our way to the door, we saw multiple people pile out of cars and cut in line. This caused a now angry Foxy to say, "I traveled all night, no sleep, no breakfast and cold as hell, if I don't get some of that beer, some bitch is gonna eat pavement". Thankfully, we got inside and were rewarded with three wristbands signifying we hadn't made the trip in vain, so now all we had to do was wait till 11am for the beer to go on sale. Since it was only 9:15 and we hadn't had anything to drink all morning, we made a quick trip over to a beer store located around the corner called City Beverage. What a great place, they were loaded with craft beers from all over that we simply cannot get back home. They also have 5 beers on tap that you can have while you shop. We decided to try a Bell's Batch 10,000 Ale (9.2%), an American strong ale that was smooth and sweet, almost like a barleywine. "I ain't gonna lie" said Wilder, "this shit is good". Fred agreed, and added, "Nothing like a nine percent kick to the frozen nads to start your day off". This one was a really good, and after we had dropped a couple hundred on some new beers, we made our way back to Foothills. Inside was a beehive of activity as they started calling out numbers for folks to come get their beers. We had lunch and ordered a Seeing Double IPA (9.5%) that we had previously rated a good at the Great American Beer Festival. This time, it was a little off and we actually liked the Hoppyum IPA (6.3%) better on draft. We then heard our numbers called, so we went and paid for the 12 bottles of Chocolate along with 6 bottles of Hoppyum. As Wilder and Fred went to the back to pick up the beers, Foxy paid the lunch tab and then we met outside to pack up the truck. The wristbands got cut off as you picked up your beer, so as we started to leave, Fred noticed that Foxy still had her wristband. "Maybe we can score four more Sexy's" said Wilder, so we dropped her off out front and within minutes she was walking towards the truck with 4 more bottles and a mischievous grin on her face. We looked at the time, and knew we had to make a quick return back home, as Wilder and Cricket were once again expected to take home first prize in the annual "his n her" combat karaoke contest that was taking place that night down at the oceanfront. We were "East Bound and Down" as Foxy made like Danica Patrick and boogied her way down the highway and back home with just enough time for the Wilder's to put on their "lucky" karaoke outfits and get out the door. A successful trip, we had scored not 12 but 16 bottles of Sexual Chocolate as well as a whole slew of new beers to eventually taste and rate. Hopefully the weather will cooperate better next year and we can get an even bigger BC4M contingent on the road trip. Until next time remember......."Nobody makes Sheriff Bufurd T. Justice look like a possums pecker."


Picnicman said...

This article reminds me of my father's funeral, without the funeral's high points.

krazyitalianirish said...

You do just fine telling your loyal readers what fuck ups you worries on that front, men! And unless we're talking some BC4M custom hand-made bedazzled shirt for a reward, WTF kinda motivation is that?? How bout some RFG BREWS?!! Yeah, the doc says laughter is the best med, but Jesus, do you think we read this shit for our health? How about YOU get crackin'...'gentlemen'.

Dude said...

Holy shitfuck, You came in my back yard and didn't even tell me. I could have helped out, or at least provided cleanup and snacks.

krazyitalianirish said...

On the subject of this contest. You've already shown your loyal readers what fuck ups you are, no worries on that front, men! So, unless it's a custom BC4M hand-made bedazzled shirt, wtf kinda motivation is that?! How 'bout some RFG BREWS??!! Sure the doc says laughter is the best med, but do you think we read this shit for our health?? How about YOU get crackin'...'gentlemen'.

krazyitalianirish said...

About this contest. You've already shown your loyal readers what f*ck ups you are, no worries on that front, men! So, unless it's a custom BC4M hand-made bedazzled shirt, wtf kinda motivation is that?! How 'bout some RFG BREWS??!! Sure the doc says laughter is the best med, but do you think we read this sh*t for our health?? How about YOU get crackin'...'gentlemen'.