D-Rail's "How I met Your Mother"

Many years ago, in the small Guatemalan fishing village of Aguacatan (Spanish for "nectar of the prostate"), BC4M's D-Rail was a bright and gregarious young lad who was the rising star on the local "futbol" pitch. Although his family's bamboo and guacamole leaf hut was meager by even Sub-Saharan Africa standards, the living room held a 70 inch plasma display tv and both an Xbox 360 and PS3 thanks to the extra coin he received from moonlighting as a "companion for hire". One night his life would be forever changed when a visiting turnip green heiress named Matilda Throbinson hired him sight unseen to be her escort for the evening. One evening turned into 3 weeks of conjugal bliss traipsing through the dense rain forests of Central America and D-Rail became both smitten and suffering from an acute case of chlamydia. Despite his penile malady, he agreed to leave his homeland and accompany Matilda back to her country manor in rural Virginia. She spared no expense on his education, and after only 15 years of intense study, aided by countless hours of practice with Rosetta Stone, he eventually spoke broken English. He spent his winters in Milan and Paris as a "fashionista" and summers traveling the U.S. on the "cornhole" circuit chasing a championship title in the hotly contested "bilingual left handed latino" category. His fanciful existence was short lived, as one day after being crowned the "Culo Maestro" of Des Moines, he received a telegram saying Matilda had passed away suddenly after becoming in the parlance of the adult film world, "airtight", with a group calling themselves the "A-Team". Depression set in and after many lost years chasing an endless line of streetwalkers, lamaze class mothers to be and "furries", D-Rail took a chance on finding love from an online dating/mail order bride website. Months of searching profiles led him to be enamored with a fetching young mamasan named Kokohontas who, according to her profile was a virginal 19 who worked as an "entertainment ambassador" in an upper class suburb of Hanoi. He informed us that he was soon headed east to claim his bride, so we gathered at Bim's to drink a few to both celebrate his new found love and to send him off in style in case he found himself locked away in a Vietnamese prison on charges of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Chicago Mike and Fred joined the small gathering and commenced the proceedings by opening a Triple Digit Aftermath (10.5%). A wee heavy style, this one was sweet and not too boozy rating a good. Next was a brown ale, Half Acre's Over Ale (6.0%) which was smooth and easy drinking also rating a good. Moving on, we tried a Freetail Brewing Velocihoptor (6.5%) which Bim kept calling Velociraptor. "This ain't Jurassic Park you old fuck" said Fred, while Bim simply replied "I like dinosaurs". A decent IPA, it was more malty than hoppy, so it got a good, the same rating as Flat 12 Brewing's Half Cycle IPA (6.0%). While we pulled more beers from the cooler, we watched D-Rail attack the appetizers with the voracity of a polesmoker wolfing down a specialty "donut". Next was a Caldera Hopportunity Knocks (6.8%), an IPA that tasted like an infected bar of Dial soap. "This shit sucks" said Bim, as Chicago Mike added, "I wouldn't scrub my taint with this crap". A sucks, we moved on to Rock Art Brewery's Black Moon (10.0%). A nice black IPA, this one was mellow and ultra smooth, belying its high alcohol content. "Fuck that is good" said Fred, while D-Rail, who's face by this time was smeared with cheese dip agreed. Next up was a new one from Tyranena, Dirty Old Man (7.90%), which featured a picture of Bim on the label.

"I love sponge baths", Bim exclaimed, in his best "Herbert the Pervert" voice. Aged in rye barrels, the taste was a bit thin but still decent so it got a good. We then tried Rogue's Double Chocolate Stout (8.0%) which once again proved Rogue has some sweet bottles with less than stellar beer inside. "Tastes like a cheap bowl of generic Cocoa-Puffs" said D-Rail, while Bim added, "I love sponge baths". So/so was the result as we turned towards a 3 Floyd's Gumballhead (4.5%). A pale wheat beer, it is easily one of the best examples we have ever tasted. "That is some good shit" said Chicago Mike, "but even better on draft". Smooth and flavor filled, it was a winner and got a really good. A palette cleanser was offered next in the form of Matthew Clark Cider's Williams Sir Perry (6.0%). This is a traditional pear cider and it tasted like a souped up version of a Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler. "Weak as fuck" said Fred, who added "he was a great actor but he sucks as a cider maker". "Thats Michael Clark Duncan you dipshit" said Chicago Mike as we gave this one a so/so. Since it was getting close to time for D-Rail to go have a "skype chat" with his lady, we decided to end the night with one final beer. "What the fuck is skype chat" said Mike, "does that mean you dress up in a tuxedo t-shirt and marble bag and talk dirty to her?". Despite that disturbing visual, we pried open a Surly Wet (7.5%), a fresh hopped beer that was canned only seven days prior. The nose was clean and full of citrus notes, and the taste was phenomenal. Crisp and hoppy, this was easily the best beer of the night and got a really good. As we left, we wished D-Rail well on his upcoming 22 hour flight and hoped he returned alive, well and no longer solo. Until next time kids...thats the story of how D-Rail "met your mother"