Andy's Big Adventure

Bim's daughter recently decided to tie the knot with her now husband Andy. Prior to the sweet nuptuals, Andy, Bim, and Andy's buddies headed to the only strip club in the Outer Banks of North Carolina, Headlights. After a lengthy application process rivaled only by a trip to the DMV, we were finally allowed into the club, Having experienced the other Headlights in rural North Carolina, we anticipated lots of farm girls with beer guts, bad C-section scars, and rotten teeth. What we got was titties and beer, OBX style! Within minutes Andy was hammered and clearly confused about where and who he was. Meanwhile, Andy's sadistic brother paid one of the strippers $50 to give him a "stage show". And just like that he was led on stage by two sultry vixens, for a very public lap dance. They mesmerized him with their titties while they casually undid his belt. Was our honorary BC4M brother about to get a very public mouth hug? No such thing! Like rabid dogs, they instantly turned on him, wrapped the belt tightly around his neck, and drove him to the ground on all fours. Rage was in their eyes as they saw, in sweet, sweet Andy, every father figure and perverted uncle who ever touched them inappropriately (undoubtedly a very long list, as these two were PISSED). They went from sexy babes to members of GWAR. Defenseless Andy, being dragged around like a dog, confused, drunk out of his mind, was about to have a life changing experience as the second whore took another leather belt, doubled it up, and commenced to whipping the shit out of him. Crack after crack, probably 20 in all, silenced every man in the crowd as we wondered if we were watching a snuff film. Andy screamed in pain with each crack of the whip, clearly not knowing what in the hell was happening. Finally, these two crazy bitches relented as their arms tired, and they allowed our ass-bruised friend to stagger back to his side of the strip bar. Then, the unthinkable happened... Andy grabbed his belt, and in an instant gave one of his captors a hard smack across the back of her legs, bringing her to her knees. The rest of us feared for our lives, as we expected a swift bouncer response. Instead, the two skanks pounced on him, hitting him a dozen more times as he staggered off stage. And during all this mess, Andy's brother sat, grinning, the entire time. I guess payback is a bitch (one with a leather belt). We left the club happy to be alive with the only casualties being our drunken friends' red ass and our belief that a strip club is a safe place for a man to kill time.

Following Andy's assault, the BC4M decided that such an experience was worthy of an honorary membership, even for our wine drinking sommelier brother. The following week, Brother Bim shared the above story while we shared another stellar collection of beers. We started with a Cisco Brewers Island Reserve Tripel Ale (9.5%). It was not great. Not bad, but not spectacular. Kind of like purgatory...could be better, but could have been a whole lot worse. It rated a good. Buzzards Bay (Just Beer) The Golden Flounder (4.6%) was a big bottle of nothingness, getting a so/so. Cucapa Green Card Barleywine (10%) tasted like carbonated blood. Too boozy, nothing subtle about this beer. A so/so rating was generous on our part. Fremont Interurban IPA (6.2%) was full of tropical flavors, prompting Fred to remark that he tasted "starfruit on the front end and chocolate starfish on the back end," whatever that means. Regardless, we all liked it, rating it a good. Sly Fox 113 IPA (6.6%) was a weird mess. Grape flavors, very dry, not what we want in an IPA. It was the first pour out of the night rating a sucks. We followed that with the Yeastie Boys Rex Attitude (7%). As soon as the first glass was poured, Bim dumped his out. The odor was beyond offensive. Snake said it reminded him of burning elephant dung in the African bush. Chicago Mike commented that the taste was either Sucrets or paint thinner, or both. This shit was horrible. Really guys, people can't really be drinking this shit can they? Oh the humanity!!!We chased that disaster with the Yeastie Boys Pot Kettle Black (6%). This American Black Ale was good, but tasted more like a porter. Anything would have been better than their previous offering. Green Man Imperial Stout, The Dweller (9.5%), while rating a good, it had nothing special to offer for a Imperial Stout. Ass Kisser Smoked Porter (8.03%) was surprisingly good, coming from this brewery, rating a good. Mikkeller It's Alive (8.0%) is a Belgian Wild Ale, full of funk, but very little sour. In general, there was very little taste at all, rating a so/so. Flying Dog Road Dog Porter (6%)was light and weak for a porter, rating a so/so. We ended the night with a Heretic Brewing Co. Worry Belgian Strong Ale (9.8%). This beer had a buttery, fruity flavor with a hint of soap. Regardless, we liked it, rating it a good. We ended the night, tossed a few bottles, and reminded each other to always go beltless and never get the "managers special" when visiting strip clubs!

D-Rail's "How I met Your Mother"

Many years ago, in the small Guatemalan fishing village of Aguacatan (Spanish for "nectar of the prostate"), BC4M's D-Rail was a bright and gregarious young lad who was the rising star on the local "futbol" pitch. Although his family's bamboo and guacamole leaf hut was meager by even Sub-Saharan Africa standards, the living room held a 70 inch plasma display tv and both an Xbox 360 and PS3 thanks to the extra coin he received from moonlighting as a "companion for hire". One night his life would be forever changed when a visiting turnip green heiress named Matilda Throbinson hired him sight unseen to be her escort for the evening. One evening turned into 3 weeks of conjugal bliss traipsing through the dense rain forests of Central America and D-Rail became both smitten and suffering from an acute case of chlamydia. Despite his penile malady, he agreed to leave his homeland and accompany Matilda back to her country manor in rural Virginia. She spared no expense on his education, and after only 15 years of intense study, aided by countless hours of practice with Rosetta Stone, he eventually spoke broken English. He spent his winters in Milan and Paris as a "fashionista" and summers traveling the U.S. on the "cornhole" circuit chasing a championship title in the hotly contested "bilingual left handed latino" category. His fanciful existence was short lived, as one day after being crowned the "Culo Maestro" of Des Moines, he received a telegram saying Matilda had passed away suddenly after becoming in the parlance of the adult film world, "airtight", with a group calling themselves the "A-Team". Depression set in and after many lost years chasing an endless line of streetwalkers, lamaze class mothers to be and "furries", D-Rail took a chance on finding love from an online dating/mail order bride website. Months of searching profiles led him to be enamored with a fetching young mamasan named Kokohontas who, according to her profile was a virginal 19 who worked as an "entertainment ambassador" in an upper class suburb of Hanoi. He informed us that he was soon headed east to claim his bride, so we gathered at Bim's to drink a few to both celebrate his new found love and to send him off in style in case he found himself locked away in a Vietnamese prison on charges of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Chicago Mike and Fred joined the small gathering and commenced the proceedings by opening a Triple Digit Aftermath (10.5%). A wee heavy style, this one was sweet and not too boozy rating a good. Next was a brown ale, Half Acre's Over Ale (6.0%) which was smooth and easy drinking also rating a good. Moving on, we tried a Freetail Brewing Velocihoptor (6.5%) which Bim kept calling Velociraptor. "This ain't Jurassic Park you old fuck" said Fred, while Bim simply replied "I like dinosaurs". A decent IPA, it was more malty than hoppy, so it got a good, the same rating as Flat 12 Brewing's Half Cycle IPA (6.0%). While we pulled more beers from the cooler, we watched D-Rail attack the appetizers with the voracity of a polesmoker wolfing down a specialty "donut". Next was a Caldera Hopportunity Knocks (6.8%), an IPA that tasted like an infected bar of Dial soap. "This shit sucks" said Bim, as Chicago Mike added, "I wouldn't scrub my taint with this crap". A sucks, we moved on to Rock Art Brewery's Black Moon (10.0%). A nice black IPA, this one was mellow and ultra smooth, belying its high alcohol content. "Fuck that is good" said Fred, while D-Rail, who's face by this time was smeared with cheese dip agreed. Next up was a new one from Tyranena, Dirty Old Man (7.90%), which featured a picture of Bim on the label.

"I love sponge baths", Bim exclaimed, in his best "Herbert the Pervert" voice. Aged in rye barrels, the taste was a bit thin but still decent so it got a good. We then tried Rogue's Double Chocolate Stout (8.0%) which once again proved Rogue has some sweet bottles with less than stellar beer inside. "Tastes like a cheap bowl of generic Cocoa-Puffs" said D-Rail, while Bim added, "I love sponge baths". So/so was the result as we turned towards a 3 Floyd's Gumballhead (4.5%). A pale wheat beer, it is easily one of the best examples we have ever tasted. "That is some good shit" said Chicago Mike, "but even better on draft". Smooth and flavor filled, it was a winner and got a really good. A palette cleanser was offered next in the form of Matthew Clark Cider's Williams Sir Perry (6.0%). This is a traditional pear cider and it tasted like a souped up version of a Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler. "Weak as fuck" said Fred, who added "he was a great actor but he sucks as a cider maker". "Thats Michael Clark Duncan you dipshit" said Chicago Mike as we gave this one a so/so. Since it was getting close to time for D-Rail to go have a "skype chat" with his lady, we decided to end the night with one final beer. "What the fuck is skype chat" said Mike, "does that mean you dress up in a tuxedo t-shirt and marble bag and talk dirty to her?". Despite that disturbing visual, we pried open a Surly Wet (7.5%), a fresh hopped beer that was canned only seven days prior. The nose was clean and full of citrus notes, and the taste was phenomenal. Crisp and hoppy, this was easily the best beer of the night and got a really good. As we left, we wished D-Rail well on his upcoming 22 hour flight and hoped he returned alive, well and no longer solo. Until next time kids...thats the story of how D-Rail "met your mother"