Andy's Big Adventure

Bim's daughter recently decided to tie the knot with her now husband Andy. Prior to the sweet nuptuals, Andy, Bim, and Andy's buddies headed to the only strip club in the Outer Banks of North Carolina, Headlights. After a lengthy application process rivaled only by a trip to the DMV, we were finally allowed into the club, Having experienced the other Headlights in rural North Carolina, we anticipated lots of farm girls with beer guts, bad C-section scars, and rotten teeth. What we got was titties and beer, OBX style! Within minutes Andy was hammered and clearly confused about where and who he was. Meanwhile, Andy's sadistic brother paid one of the strippers $50 to give him a "stage show". And just like that he was led on stage by two sultry vixens, for a very public lap dance. They mesmerized him with their titties while they casually undid his belt. Was our honorary BC4M brother about to get a very public mouth hug? No such thing! Like rabid dogs, they instantly turned on him, wrapped the belt tightly around his neck, and drove him to the ground on all fours. Rage was in their eyes as they saw, in sweet, sweet Andy, every father figure and perverted uncle who ever touched them inappropriately (undoubtedly a very long list, as these two were PISSED). They went from sexy babes to members of GWAR. Defenseless Andy, being dragged around like a dog, confused, drunk out of his mind, was about to have a life changing experience as the second whore took another leather belt, doubled it up, and commenced to whipping the shit out of him. Crack after crack, probably 20 in all, silenced every man in the crowd as we wondered if we were watching a snuff film. Andy screamed in pain with each crack of the whip, clearly not knowing what in the hell was happening. Finally, these two crazy bitches relented as their arms tired, and they allowed our ass-bruised friend to stagger back to his side of the strip bar. Then, the unthinkable happened... Andy grabbed his belt, and in an instant gave one of his captors a hard smack across the back of her legs, bringing her to her knees. The rest of us feared for our lives, as we expected a swift bouncer response. Instead, the two skanks pounced on him, hitting him a dozen more times as he staggered off stage. And during all this mess, Andy's brother sat, grinning, the entire time. I guess payback is a bitch (one with a leather belt). We left the club happy to be alive with the only casualties being our drunken friends' red ass and our belief that a strip club is a safe place for a man to kill time.

Following Andy's assault, the BC4M decided that such an experience was worthy of an honorary membership, even for our wine drinking sommelier brother. The following week, Brother Bim shared the above story while we shared another stellar collection of beers. We started with a Cisco Brewers Island Reserve Tripel Ale (9.5%). It was not great. Not bad, but not spectacular. Kind of like purgatory...could be better, but could have been a whole lot worse. It rated a good. Buzzards Bay (Just Beer) The Golden Flounder (4.6%) was a big bottle of nothingness, getting a so/so. Cucapa Green Card Barleywine (10%) tasted like carbonated blood. Too boozy, nothing subtle about this beer. A so/so rating was generous on our part. Fremont Interurban IPA (6.2%) was full of tropical flavors, prompting Fred to remark that he tasted "starfruit on the front end and chocolate starfish on the back end," whatever that means. Regardless, we all liked it, rating it a good. Sly Fox 113 IPA (6.6%) was a weird mess. Grape flavors, very dry, not what we want in an IPA. It was the first pour out of the night rating a sucks. We followed that with the Yeastie Boys Rex Attitude (7%). As soon as the first glass was poured, Bim dumped his out. The odor was beyond offensive. Snake said it reminded him of burning elephant dung in the African bush. Chicago Mike commented that the taste was either Sucrets or paint thinner, or both. This shit was horrible. Really guys, people can't really be drinking this shit can they? Oh the humanity!!!We chased that disaster with the Yeastie Boys Pot Kettle Black (6%). This American Black Ale was good, but tasted more like a porter. Anything would have been better than their previous offering. Green Man Imperial Stout, The Dweller (9.5%), while rating a good, it had nothing special to offer for a Imperial Stout. Ass Kisser Smoked Porter (8.03%) was surprisingly good, coming from this brewery, rating a good. Mikkeller It's Alive (8.0%) is a Belgian Wild Ale, full of funk, but very little sour. In general, there was very little taste at all, rating a so/so. Flying Dog Road Dog Porter (6%)was light and weak for a porter, rating a so/so. We ended the night with a Heretic Brewing Co. Worry Belgian Strong Ale (9.8%). This beer had a buttery, fruity flavor with a hint of soap. Regardless, we liked it, rating it a good. We ended the night, tossed a few bottles, and reminded each other to always go beltless and never get the "managers special" when visiting strip clubs!