Beer Reviews, BC4M Style

Are you one of those douchers that loves beer reviews? We have 3 of them for you. The first is one we did of our own shitty home brews. The second is one of our favorites from the wordsmith EconomicIrony from Beeradvocate.com. This guy can describe a beer better than most cicerones! The last review is that of a beer that is truly horrible. It was an Indian beer that surely is only preferred by the same folks who brought us the ''Cock Tease of Calcutta".  And yes, the mention of this mythical Indian slut is a cheap attempt to inflate our numbers by drawing in our friends from Bombay.

Hopslam clone

You one of those snifter sipping ninnies who likes long detailed beer reviews? We are here to accommodate. While we usually save the flowery reviews for really great beers, we can be as verbose as the next beer snob when the situation calls for it. From time to time we too try our hand at brewing. The following is our own Michael Jacksonesque beer review of the most recent attempt at a Hopslam clone.

 "Looking at this beer in the bottle, it reminds one of Lake Erie, circa 1965, long before the passing of the Clean Water Act. Thick in the bottle, cloudy, lots of floating particles, you just know that this is going to be a treat! What is all that stuff? Yeast? Bacteria? old stuff from bottles that haven't been cleaned? YES, it's all that and more. Pouring this beer into a frosty mug reveals a 12 finger head. The foam sticks to the sides of the glass like tan latex paint, as the beer bubbles and churns like a witches cauldron. Take a long deep whiff. The pungent smell of rotting garbage mixed with an overpowering dose of hops stings the nostrils. Festering pluff mud, raw sewage and the smell of a 2 week old dead possum on a hot August day fills your senses. As much as you may want to immediately drink this beer, fight the urge. Savor the nose just a little longer. This isn't an experience that you get every day. The rancid fragrance brings you back to the urine soaked nursing home where you visited great aunt Phyllis as a child. You know, the one who liked to stuck her withered old tongue in your ear when you were forced into uncomfortably close contact. Now slowly, bring this baby to your lips. As it enters your mouth, you immediately taste sweet honey rolling across your tongue, lingering for only a millisecond and followed immediately by the distinct taste of liquid Drano. Pickle juice, stinky french cheese, and cauliflower are apparent, as is just a hint of brussel sprouts and spoiled milk. The complexity of this brew is truly astounding. Go ahead, close your eyes and take a long draw. You instantly get the image of drinking goat urine with hints of congealed blood and feces. Is this beer special? You bet! We have tasted thousands of beers, and yet there is nothing that compares to this "devil's brew". Belching reveals a toxic gas cloud the likes of which hasn't been seen since Bhopal, India circa 1984. There's no doubt that you've had a one-off masterpiece, brewed with impeccable craftsmanship. Food pairings are a dream with this beer. We recommend pairing with Imodium, Maalox, and if you're planning on drinking more than one, a healthy helping of ipecac. Our hats off to the BC4M master brewers on another unique offering to the craft beer world."

And you know what??? It was still better than Hell or High Watermelon Wheat! If you are a professional brewer and want the recipe, hit us up. We'd love to share it with the world!

Anti-hero IPA

The following is a fantastic, descriptive beer review by Econimocirony at Beeradvocate.com.

"Walking  back to your Bridgeport flat at night; gripping your church key for the twit who tries to make off with the seventeen dollars in your pocket; you can’t help but reluctantly notice the city’s new cohort of young trollops multiplying across your back alley and front step alike. No corner goes unadorned as they mount themselves to the chipped, green primer on the avenues’ lampposts and entice you with their slim figures borne of a steady diet comprised of apricot flavored cigarettes and White Castle sliders. You’re headed home, but weren’t expecting to now. The boss told you to take a vacation - probably forever. Her immaturity, dim-wits, and newly purchased fishnets go hand-in-hand, so you invite her in. She calls you daddy, so you scold her and tell her to shut up. Nothing fits her right. The AquaNet hairspray she applied this afternoon as she rolled out of bed at 3:30pm has now cracked; flaking like the white stain on her black, loosely ill-fitting B-cup brassiere - thanks to genetics, she got at least two “A”s in her life. She needs a place to stay: you only have seventeen dollars, minus the amount you were planning on spending for dinner at the Bucky’s gas station. Again, she’s thin, rail thin; she would look fuller if she didn’t immerse herself in Tropical Agent Orange spray tan, which is nothing more than not-so-cleverly disguised Kool-Aid concentrate; sailors call it bug juice. Despite your efforts to engage her with offers of hand-rolled clove beedis and a tipple of Rittenhouse Rye, she immediately goes flat and reveals her insipid personality. The remnant aroma of what she smoked and ate last night had more character than the hoax of her projected imagination, which was nothing more than repeating punch lines from sitcoms and laughing first every time. With each sip, you wished she at least had the bubbly demeanor of a neophyte, but she bypassed the best part in favor of a feigned bitterness that faded as she lost interest. You follow suit upon finishing, but quickly realize you’ve committed for the remainder of the week; she’s staying five more days. You’ve been had, friend; you probably could have done a better job yourself. Look on the bright side; at least your dinner at Bucky’s exceeded your expectations: you still have your seventeen dollars and they carry Sculpin IPA in the icebox now.

Serving type: can"

Well said sir! Reading this one can almost taste the beer!


Flying Horse

And lastly, the BC4M review of an Indian classic, Flying Horse Lager, as read by Master Cicerone Dr. Suess:

I would not drink this with a fox,
I would not drink it in a box;

Not in a box, not with a fox,
It tastes like shit and smells like socks;

This beer they call the Flying Horse,
It tastes of stool, no surprise of course;

It says that it's a lager beer,
But smells quite like a horses rear;

Was Ganges water used to brew?
And hops? Seems like they forgot that too;

I would advise you pour this out,
It will give you the runs and probably gout;

No, I will not drink this Indian swill;
You shouldn't either, or you'll be ill.

Now for some of our own tasteless reviews from a recent meeting. We started the night with Mother Earth Old Neighborhood Oatmeal Porter (9.9%). This beer was so/so. A little too light and watery, although not at all offensive. We chased that with another North Carolina beer, Highland's Thunderstruck Coffee Porter (5.9%). This was better than the first, more body, and nice coffee flavor. Sticking with the stouts and porters, we decided to sample the latest CHC homebrew, Ice Ice Dynamite (8.4%), a Russian Imperial Stout aged with whole vanilla beans and Wild Turkey soaked oak chips. Hard to believe, but this was by far the best beer of the night. Heavy vanilla flavor in a full bodied imperial stout with a touch of whisky on the back end. Another winner in the Dynamite series. Ska Brewing Mole Stout (5.5%), was a surprise beer, Nice pepper notes, not over the top, with plenty of cocoa as well. It was well liked and rated a good. Hinterlands IPA (6.8%) ...let's start with the label. It appears cheap, kind of thing you'd find on generic beer at a WalMart. The beer itself has tons of shit floating around in it. Looks like someone may have puked into the Brite tank!The smell can only be described as rough, although the taste was a little better. This beer needs work, rating a generous so/so. Speakeasy Payback Porter (7.5%) was a solid porter. Nice flavor, good body, and a good overall rating. We ended the night with a Highland Tasgale Ale (8%), a wee heavy scotch ale. This beer was very drinkable, although at 8%, you're not going to drink too many. We rated this one a good, and called it a night. Cheers!