Creation According To Bim

The following is a totally fucked up view of the creation of the universe, by our own fucked up clown in residence.

On the first day, God created barley. It looked cool, and he thought that someday he'd come up with something to do with it. The next day, water. He mixed the barley and the water, but it tasted like Hell or High Watermelon Wheat, and he immediately puked. On day 3 he came up with Hops. He was trying to make weed, but missed by a hair. Day 4, he created some really cool dude that he could make his new drink that he would call beer, followed by Day 5's creation of a woman to keep his brewmaster entertained. Day 6 he created yeast. Being a bit of a mischief maker, God thought the yeast would be a funny joke to play on the woman. He had no idea it could be used in brewing. Ha ha ha! You've got crotch rot! Then came Sunday, Day 7. God declared that this was his day to kick back. He told the brewmaster to quit jerking it and get to work making something cool, like Black Tuesday...and beer was born! So, with this little lesson on creation complete, what better day for a little tasting session than a Sunday. Fred called out the troops, and broke out the Crooked Stave Wild Wild Brett, ROY-G-BIV collection, a beer for every color of the rainbow, all brewed with brettanomyces wild yeast.

First up was Rouge (5.2%), a beer combining rose hips, hawthorn berries, and hibiscus. Sounds like somebody ran out of ingredients so he raided the neighbors garden. This was a bubbly, slightly tart beer, rating a good. Orange (6.0%) was next. Sounded good on paper, but it had an artificial, plastic taste, not unlike orange Tang. You know, the stuff the astronauts drank when they faked the moon landing. It rated a so/so. Yellow (6.0%) combined honey, turmeric, mango and spices, which sounds more like a curry recipe than a beer. However, it had a real nice sour taste and rated a good. Green (7.0%) showcased Galaxy hops, and the hop flavor was nice. The exploding carbonation combined with the floating flotsam and jetsam, was not so nice, causing this one only a so/so rating. Blue (7.3%) was brewed with spruce tips and tasted like a bubbly Christmas tree, rating a so/so. Indigo (7.0%) was brewed with blueberries, giving it a great, tart taste, and a really good rating. And lastly, Violet (7.0%), brewed with lavender and pomegranates.  It was heavy on the lavender, rating a good. There you have it, the whole Wild Wild Brett Collection from Crooked Stave. Stay tuned until next time when we determine just what Muhammed was thinking when he asked for those 77 nubile virgins.

BC4M Gives Back

Ok, we admit that we have been lazy bastards all summer, but the summer is over and it's time to get back to work. By the time you read this, the beer encyclopedia will have been updated and our most recent charity event will be in full swing. In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the BC4M will be offering all women, ages 18-40 a free breast exam for the entire month of October. Unfortunately, mammograms are not recommended for women under 40. That's where we come in. We will gently massage your supple breasts, carefully feeling for any unusual lumps and bumps. Your breasts will be photographed, and those photos maintained by the BC4M in order to compare subsequent photos for changes. And for this worthy service, we will not charge a dime. Instead, all we ask is that you bring a 22 oz beer, preferably something from the RFG list, that we will in turn donate to some worthy charity (or not).

In honor of our 4th anniversary, lets play a little game, shall we? Below is a list of truly memorable beers. Simply match the beer with the description. Unfortunately, there is no prize (unless you are a woman. In that case, we will offer you a free breast exam).


1) Hell or High Watermelon Wheat                A. Sweat in a Bottle
2)Allagash Les Deux Brassuers Ale               B. Pure paint thinner
3) Extra Billy's Red Ale                                   C. D.L. Geary's shitty shitbrew
4) Flying Horse Lager                                      D. Like a bitter bandaid taste
5) Three Floyds Bully Guppy                           E. Tastes like Sherwin Williams paint
6) Sam Adams Lemon Pepper Saison             F. You like corn? This one has plenty
7) Ranger Creek Small Batch #2                     G. Lucky Charms and baby shit
8) Horny Goat Hopped up and Horny              H. Only drink this if you're dying
9) Big Beaver Potent Peter                               I. Tastes like burning flesh
10) D.L. Geary's Summer Ale                          J. Tilapia in a bottle
11) Hook and Ladder Anniversary Ale            K. Terrible spittoon leavings
12) Longtrail IPA                                              L. Piss
13) Fordham Brewing Pamlico Amber            M. Made with VMI Keydette ball sweat
14) Dogfish Head Ta Henket                           N. Mix a lot of shit no one likes and you get this shit
15) Blue Lab Fresh Hop                                    O. Exploded like a Peter North Money Shot
16) Birradamare SRL Na Biretta Kuasapa       P. Tea + piss - tea = this


There you have it. How good is your beer knowledge? If you got them all, you really need to drink better beer. If you missed them all, you may be Cicerone material!



Answer key: 1-A, 2-G, 3-L, 4-F, 5-B, 6- J, 7-D, 8-H, 9-E, 10-C, 11-I, 12-K, 13-P, 14-N, 15-M, 16-O

Straight Outta Charleston

Recently, a firestorm of controversy erupted over a word that Food Network's Paula Deen uttered many years ago. I know you all have your opinions and maybe even some outrage about what transpired, but we at BC4M are the ones that probably need to take the blame for her indiscretion. You see, back then, Fred, Bim and J Wilder all lived in the quintessential southern town of Charleston, SC, living the craft beer dream in its infancy. It was a time when a Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat was as sought after as Heady Topper is today. To make money to buy a "make your own six pack" that the local Publix supermarket offered, we often played bar mitzvah's, weddings and bachelorette parties as the rap/dance group known as "C.W.A." It was one sultry August weekend that we were hired to be the live entertainment for an evening "soiree" that Paula hosted for a bunch of ladies who were anxious to throw down and get "jiggy" with it. Maybe it was too much plantation punch or maybe it was just the wet your blouse humidity, but that night, as we as we debuted our east coast reply to west coast gangstas N.W.A.'s "Straight Outta Compton", them bitches got up and made us blush like school boys. Paula was busting a move all over the floor, and it was then that she uttered her now infamous slur. She meant nothing by it, it was just her going with the flow of the evening, mainly due to our pantie throwing inducing stage show. It sucks that such a kind hearted gal got the cold hard shaft of liberal bias shoved up her backside, but we still dig her cooking. As an ode to her, we present to you the lyrics to our one time hit....hope you enjoy bitches...
                           

"Straight Outta Charleston"

Your about the witness the strength of beer knowledge

(VERSE ONE FRED FLINTSTONE)

Straight outta Charleston, crazy motherfucka named Flintstone

From the group called Cracka's with Attitude

When I'm logged on, I get my trades on

Pull the trigger and boxes are hauled off

You too playa, if ya trading wit me

Local beer stores wanna try and stop me

Fedex, that's how I am shipping out

To dope ass traders if they got the clout

Trader's get to yappin, lets get this crackin

Mixin and matchin I am the King of packin

Bottles going out wrapped in plastic

Anxious to get them, bitches be spastic

I'm always down for a 12 bottle trade move

Here's a little tip to teach a lesson

I'm the pimp of tradin, I aint messin

Beer Advocate is the tool

Keep taking punk ass noobs to school

Making them deals, ain't no maybes

Sending out shipping boxes daily

Fedex bill is costing me dearly

Until motherfuckers realize that clearly

BC4M is driving this bus

Punks, you cant fuck with us

So when I'm in your beer store you better duck

Cause Fred Flintstone is raining them bucks

As I leave believe I'm grabbing

Every fucking whale that you be stashing

I'm coming straight outta Charleston

Yo Bim, whassup, 

Tell em where you from

(VERSE 2  DR. BIM)

Straight outta Charleston, another crazy ass clown

Looking for mutts all across town

I'm a crazy motherfucka but you knew that

Pimpin your hood wearing my top hat

But I don't give a fuck, I'm ma make my rounds

I'm picking out canines from any old pound

Just like stealing the definition is jackin

And when I mount you dog, its called packin

All it takes is a couple of minutes

I find your dog unleashed, I get up on it

So if your outta town or not home

Imma make a house call on your ho

She'll probably run away like a dog is supposed to

But I'll just follow, I am not opposed to

Chasing a bitch down the street

Morality fuck! I don't give a shit

Dr Bim controls the antibiotic

For any rabid dog, that causes static

Telling your dog to not lick itself

Everytime I grab a milkbone off the shelf

The penalty is maximum, that's the law

But I don't give a fuck, like you just saw

See cuz I am an animal loving villain

After I'm done, I need some penicillin

To take away the doggy flu

And once she's on the menu, her ass is through

Look you might think I'm being flip

But a clown named Bim ain't putting in just the tip

Straight outta Charleston

Johnny is his name and he's coming...

(VERSE 3 Johnny Wilder)

Straight outta Charleston

is a brother that will smother ya sofa

when I end up staying ova

Drinking all night raising hell

Always the last one to leave without fail

See, I don't wanna stop, I got a problem

Find any open bottles, I don't dodge them

Cuz I'm smooth, sit back, and sip awhile

And when I see something barrel aged, I just smile

To me its kinda funny, watching bitches be drivin

All over creation, sometimes even flyin

Looking for the one they call Johnny

Blowing up my phone while they text me

Dangerous!, on my skateboard after dark

Rollin in my hood, ain't no hesitation

I'll even take a piss on your pretty impatiens

Expense report my tab then I'm jettin

Plastering BC4M stickers so you ain't forgettin

So what about the time I passed out, fuck that!

You think I care about spilling beer on your carpet, I ain't no punk ass

This is the autobiography of the J and when you bitches be ready to play

You'll be drinking with a smooth talking rapper, blowin up your pristine crapper

Word to the motherfucka, 

Straight outta Charleston

BC4M Goes Vertical

With the imminent departure of our own Frank the Tank, the BC4M decided it was time for the Founding Fathers to give our senior member a proper send-off.  And what better day to do it than on Father’s Day, that one day a year for dad’s everywhere to drink a few beers to try and ease the pain that their children have caused them. The BC4M is no exception. Yes we've made a few parental mistakes... so what? Our 9 members have a total of 93 children with 26 different women. We are the Johnny Appleseed’s of human impregnation. Just last week, Bim introduced us to the newest member of his circus family.  Apparently, the bearded lady really was a woman after all! And Johnny Wilder also introduced his new "son". We all know how proud he is.  It was with this in mind that we gathered at Fred’s to toast our pirate hunter with a most rare vertical, the Firestone Walker anniversary collection.  In 1996, in celebration of their 10^th anniversary,  Firestone Walker began blending different beers to produce an annual anniversary beer. Fred managed to procure the 11^th-16^th in that collection. I know… you people reading this right now are thinking “what a bunch of pussies! The Beer Club for Men is only drinking 7 beers? Lightweights!”  But before we got to the main course, like all great meals, we started with some hearty appetizers.  First up was a Kane Head High IPA (6.5%). This beer had a great nose, and was a realy decent IPA, rating a good. Kane's Oak Aged Head High IPA (6.5%) had a nice, mild bourbon flavor. Another solid good. Next up was a bomber of Westbrook/Evil Twin collaboration Mini-Growler Imperial Stout (12%) which was wonderful. Two great breweries, one great beer, rating a really good. Next up were some Perennial beers from our trading partner in St. Louis. We started with a 17 (11.5%), their mint chocolate stout. This beer is a thin mint cookie in a glass. Not a beer that you could drink a lot of, but the perfect beer to pour when your scarfing down some Samoas and realize you don’t have any milk to go with them. This beer was an easy really good. Next up was Barrel Aged Sump (10.5%), a whiskey barrel aged stout with coffee added. What a great beer! Smooth as silk, with the perfect amount of coffee and just a hint of booze. The first RFG of the night! Then it was on to the FW beers. First up was XI (11%) with a sweet toffee flavor, a really good beer. XII (12%) was sweeter and had a heavier bourbon flavor, another really good. XIII (12%) has a smooth, Parabola-type flavor, another really good. XIV (12.5%) was amazing when we first drank it, and still is. XV (12.5%)... what can you say, still RFG. And the final FW, the XVI (13%), is another RFG!

The following week, Fred called for a mid-week meeting for another vertical surprise. This time, we chose the Founder's Kentucky Breakfast Stout for a 2006-2013 vertical tasting. KBS is a great beer. Difficult for those on the east coast to obtain, but generally well worth the effort. We began the tasting with Kane Solitude (9.5%) a nice, smooth dark beer without a hint of pesky Belgian influence! It rated a unanimous really good.  Then it was onto the KBS. Surprisingly, Founders began brewing their signature beer using screw top bottles. Maybe they got a deal from the fellas over at Schlitz. The first 3 beers in this group (2006-2008) were flat. Taste was OK, but drinking a flat beer is a lot like french kissing your grandma. Sure, you’re getting to first base with a chick, but  she smells like old lady perfume and urine soaked mothballs, ruining what should be an awesome experience. Starting with the 2009 version, the beers started improving, right up to the latest incarnation. My advice to those hoarders out there who are cellaring old KBS, drink it now or try trading it, as this is one beer that probably peaks fairly quickly. We ended the night on our old standby,  Williamsburg Ale Werks Café Royale. Not to brag too much, as this beer is produced in our own backyard, but Café Royale can hold it’s own with any other coffee stout. In fact, we think it’s as good or better than KBS.

 So if you live in the San Diego area, watch out for Frank the Tank! He has an insatiable appetite for Bourbon barrel-aged beers and big titted hermaphrodites, and, together with his brother Mickey Boombatz, will crush anyone who gets between him and the nearest tap!

BC4M's Wild West Frog Rodeo

It seemed to be the typical lazy Saturday evening in the hood, with most of the members out pursuing other interests instead of being available to share a few beers. Coach Johnny Wilder was away with his softball team the "Donkey Punching Kangaroos", who were in the midst of a heated tournament battle to prevent being relegated to the "chicken, beer and Mexican gardener league". Crazy Ken, who recently decided to become carbon neutral, was out on a 500 mile bicycle pilgrimage to D.C. to spread the alarming news that offshore oil drilling is apparently killing rednosed snail darters around the globe, while 10 PM was out in "B.F.E." judging a "world's strongest redneck competition". However, Snake, his better half Blackberry Pamcakes along with Bim and his bride Florence Naughtygale had decided that a few beers needed to be culled from Snake's growing cellar. They started off with a pair of Three Floyd's beers, Robert the Bruce and Alpha King, both of which are phenomenal for their style. They then popped the top on several bombers of the RFG rated Firestone Walker Double Jack, when all of a sudden, a thunderstorm descended upon the neighborhood with the vengeance of a hobo on a ham sandwich. The howling winds, crackling lightning and booming thunder had Bim running in circles trying to find his "thunder buddy". It was about the time Snake found his grandson's pacifier to give to the bawling like a colicky baby Bim that Fred and Nestle rolled in, just in time to partake in a fresh bottle of Avery Maharaja. As we listened to the storm dump copious amounts of rain and hail, we also enjoyed some Sierra Nevada Hoptimum followed by a pair of newly arrived cans of Alchemist Heady Topper. After an hour or so of steady precipitation, the rains finally died off and we adjourned to Snakes palatial sunroom to the ear shattering cacophony of a frog singing like he was trying out for "American Idol". "Holy fuck, thats annoying", said Snake, while Pamcakes replied, "shut up you big head, it reminds me of growing up in the summer, let them froggies sing, they ain't hurting nobody". As we tried to drown out the amphibious opera with Snake's classic 70's tunes filled ipod, we switched from IPA's to heavier beers by opening a Beach Brewing Blackfin barleywine followed quickly by a Founder's Backwoods Bastard. As the frog continued to drone on, Snake got up and left the room, only to return with his Crossman 66 Powermaster assault BB rifle and a thousand yard stare in his eyes. "That's about to be one dead fucking frog" he decreed, so we got up and went to the deck to begin the hunt. Former Scoutmaster Bim immediately took charge of the expedition and using his GPS, laser scope, and a little bit of "Magruber", eventually found our prey sitting in the open with a tauting gleam in his eye. Snake proceeded to unload a fusillade of metal at the frog, only to end up putting multiple dents in his newly erected composite fence while the frog simply continued to sing. "Motherfucker moves as fast as a cheetah" Snake said, while Bim replied, "I think he's on to us, evacuate evacuate!" The smoke then cleared and we went inside to reload and have another beer, this time we chose the fruity and delicious New Glarus Serendipity followed by a coffee/bourbon bomb in Alewerks Cafe Royale. About the same time, a second frog decided to showcase his vocal abilities and we soon had a duet. A thoroughly agitated Snake grabbed the gun and stormed outside, saying he would unleash a thousand rounds if necessary to "annihilate those bastards". "Let me have a try" said Nestle, so while Fred painted the targets, we watched as she fired two quick rounds which produced two confirmed kills. "She shut those fuckers up good and dead" said Snake, while Fred added, "We would have won the Vietnam War in under a year if the Army had her shooting old Charlie." After witnessing the deadly pinpoint accuracy of our own "Annie Oakley", Fred suggested that perhaps Gunnery Sgt Hartman had gotten it wrong in describing the deadliest person in the world in the BC4M Hall of fame classic "Full Metal Jacket". "Fucking-A, my girl can flat out hunt bitches!" he said, while Bim howled with drunken laughter and replied, "You best mind your mouth or she might pop a cap in yo ass". By now, the clock was well past midnight, and Bim was beginning to look like a stroke victim eating oatmeal. We decided to call it a night, but not before opening the final beer of the night, ironically enough, a Hoppin Frog Barrel Aged BORIS the Crusher while we heard Robert Plant and the boys from Led Zeppelin serenade the two fallen aquatic balladeers with a little ditty called Stairway to Heaven. Another classic BC4M evening in the books, if you ever need varmints taken care of, just remember to have "Nestle, "Get your gun"

The Unauthorized Biography Of Fred Flintstone

It started as any normal day. Bim, who runs the web site Deathwatch.com, was scanning celebrity obituaries to see who croaked that day. Bim has an entire office wallpapered floor to ceiling with names of celebrities and politicians, and his site hosts an elaborate gambling scheme where people bet on who will die next. It was a big day for some luck bettor. Margaret Thatcher and Roger Ebert had been circling the drain for years, but Mouseketeer Annette Funicello had died unexpectedly, and somebody just hit the jackpot. Bim received a panicked phone call from Fred, "They've really done it now! I can't believe it, but someone has stolen my identity!" "Whoa now big boy", said Bim, "what's going on?"According to Fred, a feature length film had been made, documenting his beer trading escapades. "They know about everything", he said, "they know about the cellar, they know my drinking habits, my trading partners, even my beeradvocate.com trading name...EVERYTHING!" Did we have a spy in our club? Was the envy of having the club's number 2 cellar too much for Johnny Wilder to handle? Was it 10pm or Snake, trying to increase their own self worth by bringing down the trading king? Or maybe it was just sheer jealousy on the part of Crazy Ken, who has no trading partners, no beer fridge, and no cellar? The mystery was deepening with no suspect. But one thing was clear, whoever produced this beautifully shot film, complete with all the latest computer generated special effects and Spielberg-like directing was no rookie. They had done their research, and spent a small fortune to produce a masterpiece. We may never know who the culprit was, but, like it or not, this film, "The Unauthorized Biography of Fred Flintstone" is sure to be a classic for generations to come. So sit back, grab some popcorn, maybe a fresh IPA, and enjoy the show...

"The Unauthorized Biography of Fred Flintstone"

The Return Of Dr. Gunthumper

Ahhh yes, the esteemed Dr. Gunthumper. Star of such childhood classics as "Dr. Gunthumper Bangs a Fat Chick," and "Gunthumper Gets Herpes." And who can forget Dr. Gunthumper in "Oops, I Think I Screwed a Transvestite," or his educational videos, such as "Your Dingus and You." When Gunthumper isn't on the set making quality movies for teens, he's sampling beers. In years past he's been the harshest critic of the Beer Club for Men's CHC Brewery. He once claimed that one of our beers tasted like we used "the taint sweat of an Indian curry salesman on a hot August day." Despite that, we still love the rascal, and continue to supply him with beers to rate. The following is a totally unbiased review from the one guy who hates the CHC Brewery more than anyone else in the world!

Dr. Gunthumper writes: When Bim first informed me that he was going to be sending three
different home brews for me to sample and review, I thought, "Great, I'll only have to take one sip of each, because any more would likely kill me or ruin my taste buds forever." You see, I only had his prior efforts to compare to. Then he told me that he won some sort of contest with his beers. I was unaware that they had beer brewing competitions for people with no ability. However, I am man enough to admit when I am wrong. Thankfully, my error came with the pleasure of being able to sample some delicious beers. I was also not disappointed to find that Bim was able to work in some of the racism that is a part of his personality. I started with Ice Ice Dynamite. Boldly showing Mr. Rob Van Winkle on the label, this Russian Imperial Stout had subtle vanilla, and you could really taste the Wild Turkey, making this a solidly good brew. Next up was Jemima Dynamite, with the tag line, "Mrs. Butterworth can kiss my big, black ass!" This delicious concoction with it's maple flavor was smooth, dark and creamy, not unlike Aunt Jemima's inner thighs. Lastly, and my favorite of the three, was Pepe Dynamite. This Russian Imperial Stout, brewed with chipotle peppers, really catches your attention on the back end, with a spicy burn in the back of the throat. Bim said he wanted to brew a beer that reminded him of deep throating his lawn guy. I'll have to take his word on that, but regardless it's a hell of a beer. Overall, I was very happy to be proven wrong, and look forward to
more.

Dr Gunthumper

Beer City? BC4M Calls Bullshit!

Asheville... Hippies, mountains, beggars, and beer. Asheville has named itself "Beer City". But is it really deserving of the name? Is it a better beer destination than Portland, Seattle, or San Diego? The hippies out west may take exception to that, which, if we are lucky, could ignite a massive hippy war! Snake, Bim and their loving spouses Blackberry Pamcakes and Florence Naughtygale made the trip south to find out what all the hype was about. After arriving at our "hotel" we were greeted by the the hotel clerk, with some bad news...and we quickly moved on. First stop was the Oysterhouse Brewing Company. They advertise that they use real oysters in their beer. We sampled the Moonstone Stout (4.5%). The beer was good, but not great, without a hint of oysters. Not a good start. We considered returning the next night to sample their other offerings, but the bartender assured us that there would be "over 500 people" in the restaurant, and we would never get in. Shit buddy, just cut to the chase and tell us we're not welcome! Snake wanted to de-throat him right then and there, but decided to grant him mercy, as Snake is a just and merciful Beer God. Next stop was Jack of the Wood Public House. Now this was more our kind of place. Irish music and a good selection of beers. We started with the Foothills Jade IPA (6%), which we have sampled in the past. This is a damn fine IPA. Full of citrusy flavor and crisp, rating a really good. Next up was the Green Man Porter (5.6%) which was decent, but sorta forgettable. We chased that with a Green Man Norwegian Wood, a Baltic Porter (8.3%) aged in Maker's Mark barrels. Now your talking! This beer had a touch of sweet bourbon, easily rating a really good. Four beers down, and it was time for a change of venue. Luckily, the Asheville beer scene is designed for drunks, with a different pub on every corner. We headed across the street to the Thirsty Monk, where there was a Belgian bar downstairs and a American Craft beer bar upstairs. What a great idea! Separate the men from the eurotrash right at the door. We started with a Atwater Vanilla Java Imperial Stout (6%), which was a really good, with a smooth vanilla/coffee flavor. The Anderson Valley Brewing Company's Wild Turkey Bourbon Barrel Stout (5.8%) was another winner, also rating a really good. Having hit what we figured to be the best 2 bars in Asheville, we headed out to dinner. Snake, our carnivore friend, quickly told the skinny waiter that if he didn't produce a leg of lamb pretty fucking quick, he was going to "tear off his arm and start eating it". After being escorted out, we headed over to Barley's Tap Room. This place was packed, with a mix of hippies and "English". The beer selection was top heavy with session pales and porters. By this time in the evening, Bim was starting to fall into the hippy spell. He was ranting about the evils of soap, and searching his Iphone-3 for the nearest second-hand store. Things were getting crazy.
The next day, Snake awoke to find Bim fully embracing his new lifestyle, wandering around Asheville begging for change. Things weren't looking good. Luckily, the allure of beer was enough to get Bim back on track. After a day of sightseeing, we sampled the Biltmore Brewing Company's Cedric's Brown Ale (5.5%), named after George Vanderbilt's St. Bernard dog, Cedric. If Vanderbilt had known they were going to one day brew this swill on his property, he'd have burned the place to the ground and named his dog Shithead. Enough said. We ended up at one of Asheville's newest breweries, Wicked Weed. The name had us initially concerned, as it suggested something altogether different. We quickly learned that this place was no daisy at all! We started with a Hey Porter (7.5%). This beer was aged in bourbon barrels, with a hint of smoke and vanilla. What a great beer to start with, rating a really good. Then came probably the most unique beer of the whole trip, Black Angel Cherry Stout (6.6%) another barrel aged beer that was amazing. Next up was Dark Age Bourbon Stout (10.5%) the first RFG of the night. By the time we finished this beer, Snake was weeping uncontrollably, as Bim tried to cheer him up with some simple clown antics. We ended the night with another great beer, Freak Double IPA (8%). This beer is every bit as good as Pliny, and just a notch below Heady Topper. And to think that this brewery only opened several months ago. Our hat's off to the Wicked Weed, by far the best brewery in Asheville.
Another day, another brewery. The final day in Asheville was spent at another touted brewery, Wedge Brewing. We sampled their Iron Rail IPA (7%) and Vadim Bora Russian Imperial Stout (9.2%), a RIS brewed with raspberries. The IPA was good but not special, while the Vadim Bora was really good. The location, in the River Arts  district, offers a great view of the passing freight trains, which Snake loved immensely (what a loser...). Unfortunately, the dude pouring the beer was a douchebag, making the beer taste a little worse. Their strict "one sticker per person" policy is ridiculous, and if you've never heard of the Great American Beer Festival, as this pretentious idiot hadn't, you probably need to quit pouring beer and try your hand at selling roller dogs at the 7-11. The "eclectic" clientele may enjoy this place for it's artwork, but from the BC4M's point of view, there is only one place to visit when in Asheville, and that's Wicked Weed.
The following day, the group packed up and started heading back to Virginia, minus one member. Last we saw of Bim, he was settling in with his new friends, never to be seen again. So, has Asheville really earned the title Beer City? The jury's still out. But one thing is for sure. If more breweries like Wicked Weed start popping up, then the BC4M will be certain to make a return trip.

Snake's Meatfest 2013

Snake is a carnivore. If it breathes, he wants to slice it into chunks, grind it into sausage, and fry that shit up. Thus, the Meatmaster himself offered to host a meeting, complete with a collection of wild game sausages (elk, venison,buffalo, boar, and jackalope). The usual suspects showed up, along with a couple of Bim's favorite patients (who will hereby be refered to as the Captain and Tennille in order to preserve their anonymity and reputations) gathered in Snake's palatial palace to eat meat and discuss all things beer. The Captain had recently returned from the great city of Ithaca, and presented us with the gift of beer in the form of  a few great Ithaca beers. We started the night with one of those beers, Ithica Fourteen (8.1%). This hoppy black ale, was a pretty decent beer to start with, rating a good. Kissmeyer Beer Co's My Two Front Teeth (7.5%) was a Christmas beer. It wasn't that good. Maybe it would have been better if we drank it closer to Christmas, but we're not fucking Superman and we can't turn back time, so the rating stands as a so/so. If you are an employee of the Kissmeyer Beer Company and are offended by that rating, you can suck it! After a while, conversation turned to the new Anheuser-Busch offering, Black Crown. As Johnny described it, Black Crown tastes like Bud Light, but with more body. It's as if they forgot to use the special filter that removes the urine from the bottle! Two Roads Honeyspot Road (6%) was a weak, watery, girly beer, a so/so at best. Is Honeyspot Road where all the shitty beers go to die? Two Roads Workers Comp Saison (4.8%) absolutely sucked! Amazingly bad...stop brewing. Crazy thought it was so bad he wished that they made something like Nasty Habit for people that would keep them from drinking shit like this. Next up was a homebrew from Crazy Ken, affectionately named Ken's Jungle Fever, a whiskey barrel stout. By far one of Ken's best beers, it rated a good. Four Friends Brewing's Santa's Dirty Little Secret (9.1%) had one of the best labels we've ever seen. Unfortunately the beer wasn't as good, rating only a good. Kosacken-Hantverksbryggeriet Imperial Stout (7%) was a good beer, but forgettable. Avery's Uncle Jacob's Stout (17.42%) was a little boozy, but oh so good, the first really good beer of the night! Next we did a beer cocktail, mixing the Southern Tier Creme Brulee Stout with their Pumpking. On their own they are decent. Together, it's desert in a pint glass. Back to the tasting... Avery's Marooned on Hog Island (7.9%) is an oyster stout. Crisp and clean, but a little light in the body. It was at this point in the evening that the talk turned to IPA's. Our guest, The Captain, an IPA lover, had never had a Pliny the Elder. Lucky for him, Snake had a fresh cold one in the fridge. Maybe next time we'll treat him to a Heady Topper! Appalachian Brewing Co. Ragged Edge Expresso Stout (4.6%) was a good beer. Strong coffee, but overall very nice. By this time in the night, the writing in the book was getting a little shaky. The scribe was apparently getting drunk...no surprise there. The last two beers were ones that somehow snuck under the radar for years, Augustiner-Brau Maximator (7.5%) and Spaten Optimator (7.5%). Both beers were dopplebocks, and both were solid goods. That may sound like a pretty weak collection of beers for the BC4M, but if you check out the picture above, you'll see several previously rated beers that were thrown in as "palate cleansers". That's right, we drink BA Boris the Crusher, Sexual Chocolate, and Cafe Royale as palate cleansers. What you'd think we'd use, Black Crown??? We leave you with a Valentine's treat from our favorite web "meatmasters", the boys from Epic Mealtime.

2012...Going, going, GONE!

Another year down, as the BC4M turned three in 2012. Time to look back at our accomplishments from the past year.

The Beers: We drank a shit ton of beer, and are fast closing in on 3000 beers rated. We drank some great ones too, thanks mainly to Fred and his army of traders across the country. Utopias, Westvleteren 12, Heady Topper (lots of Heady Topper), Black Tuesday, Grey Monday and Chocolate Rain, and who can forget Lawson's Finest Double Sunshine and Three Floyd's Zombie Dust! We tasted some great beers from Hill Farmstead too, but we can't say where we got them as they get a little weird about that stuff. And, we lost a few good friends in 2012 as well. Pliny the Elder, our dear old friend, was dethroned as the king of the IPA's by the aforementioned Heady Topper. When his boy Younger gets bottled, the Pliny name may rise again. Until then, fuck you old man!

Fred: His hoarding continues, despite our best efforts to reduce it's size. He currently has a small pathway through the house, with beer stacked 6 feet high on either side. His bedroom is completely full, and he and Nestle have been sleeping in the bathtub. He hasn't seen his son (who resides in a inaccessible section of the house) in over a month. Despite this, he continues to deny there is a problem.

Snake: This year Snake realized his dream of killing one of every species of animal on the endangered species list. He ate such delicacies as fried snail darter and roasted spotted owl. He also travelled to India where he bought a couple slightly used livers on the illegal organ market, and had them implanted into his ball sack.

Johnny: After spending the past year collecting vintage bikes, Johnny Wilder started his own motorcycle gang. That gang disbanded, so he started another one, and another one.

10PM: Throwing caution to the wind, 10PM managed to stay out past 10:30 at least 3 times this year. One night he actually made it to almost midnight! Well done!

Big Audio Dynamite: He continues to perfect his acting ability, recently starring in a community theater production... and without requiring any make-up!

Bim: Rumors of Bim's demise were premature. On average, a clown is killed by a psycho with an assault rifle in this country every 4 seconds, and yet we stand by idly and laugh (because clowns are funny, even when they're getting mowed down). Thankfully, Bim wasn't one of them. And remember, if you have a small child that you're really not all that fond of, Bim is available for some demented children's party entertainment that's sure to make the little bastard want to move out by the time he's 12.

Prince: Another successful year convincing all who know him that he's straight. Well done Prince, and we hope 2013 is just as successful at keeping up the elaborate charade!

Crazy Ken: Crazy Ken continues to work on his brewing skills, and this year he finally achieved his lifelong dream of figuring out how to brew Bud Light. Congratulations Ken!

OMT: Continues to fight crime wherever he finds it. Including a major bust at the local mall.

D-rail: Following his deportation, D-rail spent some quality time back in the jungles of his youth, before he was able to escape and sneak back across the border using the kind of disguise that would make a CIA operative jealous.

Frank the Tank: Having spent years attacking pirates, Tank decided to become one himself. He was last seen on the Jersey shore assembling his crew for his new;y christened ship, "Thar She Blows"

The Blog: Despite all our lame attempts to increase our international audience (primarily with the use of intriguing search terms like "cock tease of Calcutta") we remain a mostly American enterprise. We have had some recent spam from some Spanish dude with an escort service, but the douche bag didn't even have the courtesy to send us any photos. We had a big party in July celebrating the blog and all things beer, but I can't remember any of it...Supposedly, it was a lot of fun. The most popular search terms people used to find us in 2012 on Google, were the following: Lithuanian MILF; Big Black Ass; Naked Keg Stand; Poop Chart; Ron Jeremy Doggystyle; Black Women Have Milky Pussy Juice; and MILF on a Scooter. You people are sick! That said, here is a MILF on a scooter and a chick doing a keg stand. I'm sure lots more happened in 2012, but most of it we can't disclose until the statue of limitations runs out.

Following the annual New Year's Eve boozefest known as the CHC Crawl, the few members who could stand upright gathered at Bim's for a few post New Years beers. We started with an Ommegang XV Anniversary (9.6%). The packaging is awesome. Who doesn't like a giant Pringles can with beer in it? Unfortunately, it appears most of the money went towards packaging instead of brewing. This beer was a so/so at best. New Belgium is quickly becoming the Anheuser-Busch of the west coast. Too many of their beers are lackluster forgettables. Lips of Faith Coffee Chocolate Stout (9%) is the exception. This beer had a rich coffee flavor and was liked by all, rating a good. Jester King/Mikkeller Weasel Rodeo (10.1%) was smooth as silk, prompting Snake to remark, "Where are the cat turds?" This beer was rated really good. Next we opened a Cortland Sunrise Coffee Stout (6%), a so/so beer that tasted like stale Waffle House coffee. We closed the night with a Fremont B-Bomb (9.5%) which caused us to drop our own F-Bomb, as in Really Fucking Good! Sweet, boozy, awesomeness!

Thanks for checking in with us in 2012. The next year promises to be even better as we will attempt to cross the 4000 beer mark, or die trying! Stay tuned...

Hail and Farewell

About a year and a half ago, Bim, Fred and Nestle went to check out the newest brewery in our area, Beach Brewing. While in their tasting room trying some of of their frankly forgettable early efforts, we met a menacing looking fella that appeared to have just gotten back from a 3 month tour as a roadie for either Pantera or Lady Gaga, or perhaps both. We talked beers and found him to be knowledgeable and easy to talk to despite the fact he looked primed to donkey punch every one of the Jonas Brothers at a moments notice. We discussed our favorite beers, and were shocked when he mentioned he could easily name 10 IPA's better than our highly regarded Pliny the Elder. Hailing from the "meat packing" capitol of the world, Chicago, after weeks of deliberation, we christened him "Chicago Mike" and invited him to join us in our pursuit of all things craft beer. He had a major hand in creating Beach Brewing's best beer, their double IPA hop monster "Hoptopus". It was so good, Fred sent it around the country in trades and even our pals on the west coast who have had their palates wrecked by the plethora of great IPA's available out there all agreed it was phenomenal. Unfortunately, after a drunken afternoon playing "water under the bridge" style "twister" at the Brewery went a tad too far, Chicago quit and set out on his own. His first gig was driving an ice cream truck dressed as "Sprinkles the Clown", and then upon being released on bond after an all night bat mitzvah went bad (something about whipped cream and cherries), he set up a mobile car detailing team called "Wash and Blow" that promised a thorough scrub and tug with every purchase. When he wasn't busy spreading the message on the glories of a polished trailer hitch to the hordes of sailors that are stationed in our area, he was busy interviewing at various breweries around the country pitching his newest beer recipe, a 17% behemoth barleywine ale called "Moose Knuckler" that had an amazing floral nose because of all the hops he added to it. Months went by and right before Christmas, he received a call from one of America's best breweries, Fat Head's of Cleveland Ohio. They are the creators of the RFG rated double ipa, "Head Hunter", and were looking for a new "associate brewer" (i.e. glory hole cleaner), and offered him a spot on their staff after watching him make quick work of the mess in their backdoor "champagne room". He quickly accepted and made plans to be at work promptly in early January. Since most of us are veterans, we decided the only way to properly send him off was to throw a hail and farewell. Every member of BC4M arrived at Fred's for a night that had debauchery written all over it. Fred pulled out some big guns from the cellar, including previously RFG rated Heady Topper, Pliny the Elder, Westvleteren 12, Avery Rumpkin, New Glarus Raspberry Tart, and Goose Island Coffee Bourbon County Stout. Mixed in with all that greatness were some beers that frankly weren't too hot. Most rated a so/so or good, like Cigar City Florida Cracker (5.0%), Blue Point Toxic Sludge (7.0%), Great Divide 18th Anniversary (10.0%) and Dominion Double D (10.0%). However, a pair of beers were downright drainpours. Aviator Brewing Black Mamba (6.3%) was an oatmeal stout that had about as much body as a 18 yr old anorexic that had just binged and purged. "This sure as fuck aint too damn boo-coo" said Mike as Bim added, "I had a patient in today with a discharge way thicker than this crap". It was easily a sucks, while another beer got perhaps the worst rating of any we have ever tried. Surprisingly, it was 3 Floyd's Bully Guppy and it was a fucking disaster. Upon opening, it smelled like wet cat urine mixed with paint thinner. Could it taste even worse than it smelled? You bet your sweet ass it did, as Fred said, "I'll be surprised if I don't go blind drinking this poison", Wilder mentioned, "Did they fucking age this in Turpentine barrels?". "Tastes like a bad bottle of Windex" said Snake, while Bim woke up long enough to bellow, "Smells like the perfume my Thai pedicurist uses at the salon". This is without a doubt the worst beer any of us had tasted and wondered how in the fuck it made it past quality control. Two beers that did however, taste amazing, were Lawson's Finest Kiwi Double IPA (8.1%) which combined a generous grapefruit nose with a smooth lemony body that went down as easy as a two bit street urchin jonesing for a meth hit. The second was Hill Farmstead Juicy (7.4%), a slightly sour saison that balanced hops and brett with a crisp finish. Both rated really good, and just when we thought the night was ending, local pizza baron RaiderFost and his liege Reginald showed up with a bottle of Surly Darkness '12 (10.3%). Pouring as dark as the meat flaps of a Ugandan midwife, it had a silky body and was ultra smooth. It almost had a "nitro" mouthfeel, and the taste was phenomenal, full of milk chocolate and dark fruits. Easily a really good, it just missed the coveted RFG mark. We killed a few more mediocre beers afterward and the hours flew by. It was late and Mike had to get home to pack for his trip. Before he left, we presented him with a few special beers and perhaps the most fitting gift we could think of, a framed picture of his former mentor at Beach Brewing, President Steve Stifler who wrote a simple but eloquent message, "Water under the bridge" which we figured was a sweet homage to their ill fated "twister" day.

 

To our testosterone fueled brother, fair winds and following seas and long may your big jib draw

Atque in perpetuum, frater, ave atque vale.

Ice Ice Dynamite

As many of you know, the boys of the BC4M have been vainly attempting to make a palatable home brew for many years. Timeless drain pours like "Swamp Fire Ale", "Bim's Dirty Old Brown Eye" and "The Milkman Cometh" usually caused those that tasted the beers to come down with a case of dysentery, bubonic plague or more often both. Off flavors consisting of rotting cabbage, sweaty skunk taint or even Aunt Mabel's mothball ridden lingerie left most of our followers hoping and praying that we would stop the madness. But then, out of the blue, Bim came up with a homebrew recipe that was actually decent and unbelievably drinkable. "Black Dynamite" was his first foray into boozy imperial stouts and it was an instant hit. After receiving an abundance of compliments from our craft beer loving brethren, the merchandising arm of BC4M decided to come up with other recipes that used the same base but added some "flay-va, You dig?". "Pepe Dynamite" is our chili pepper infused stout that is hot enough to make a Mexican landscaper's taint weep for joy only to be followed by a intensely vanilla version we named after the only "cracka" (besides our own Johnny Wilder) who could ever pull off the douche canoe pants look paired with a Aquanet styled mane. "Ice Ice Dynamite" is our ode to one Robby Van Winkle, the lyrical daddy mack to white suburbia's favorite f-bomb dropping masochist, Eminem. Like Mix Master Jay spinning tracks on the turntable, Grand Master Bim, spent one drunken night perfecting a stout that combined non-fair trade Ethiopian cacao with deforested vanilla imported in the anal cavity of a Madagascan smuggler Bim had met  after spending one glorious evening on Skype talking their shared love of canines. "Holy fuck, Bim got one right" said Wilder, while Snake added, "You sure you brewed this?" With this unbridled support from his BC4M brothers, Bim decided to take a chance and enter both Pepe and Ice Ice in the 6th annual Virginia Beer Blitz, an annual home brew competition that had over 350 entries from 39 states and Canada. Even though Pepe actually outscored Ice Ice, they were in different categories, and at the end of a grueling 8 hour competition, a stunned Bim, Fred and Nestle heard "and the winner of the wood aged beer category, Ice Ice Dynamite". A tearful Bim raced on stage to collect his winnings and thanked the assembled crowd who appeared to be more at home at a weekend LARPer convention than a craft beer competition. On fact, one young craft beer enthusiast repeatedly begged Bim to adopt him ala Obi-Wan Kenobi to teach him his master brewing ways. "The first step, is to move out of your granny's basement you fucking tool", said Fred, while Bim coddled the young lad and whispered sweet nothings in his ear in his sweetest Herbert the Pervert voice. Before Bim could be arrested for lewd conduct, Fred and Nestle hauled him away and we headed back to the hood to celebrate in style. An amazing day indeed, we couldnt be happier for our beloved pooch pumper.
     So in honor of Bim's stunning victory at the 6th annual C.A.S.K. Virginia Beer Blitz, Fred penned an ode to his winning brew....sung to the words of the original Ice Ice Baby

Yo B.I.M, Lets Brew It

Ice Ice Dynamite, Ice Ice Dynamite
Ice Ice Dynamite, Ice Ice Dynamite

All right STOP, shut the fuck up and listen

Bim has brewed up a brand new invention

A magical elixir that drinks so nicely

Dark as a motherfucker, you'll crave it fortnightly

Will he ever stop, we don't know

But Bim is a certified award winning mofo

Expecting to win it was never a gamble

Pontificating on stage like the motherfucking preamble

Boom, a wave of vanilla hits the room

Wetting your tongue like a dope ass waterflume

Boozy, when it stings your throat

Drink too much, and it's time to motorboat

Titties, whether big or small

Bim is the Doctor who's always on call

Silky as it makes its way

Down to your stomach it's a taste buffet

Ice Ice Dynamite, Ice Ice Dynamite

Ice Ice Dynamite, Ice Ice Dynamite

   To all our homies across the land....Word to Yo Mother! We outta here bitches...

A BC4M Intervention

While all the BC4M members love beer, one member in particular, Fred, has taken things to the extreme. Fred has more quality beers stashed around his house than most reputable beer stores have on their shelves. Need a Firestone Walker Abacus? Fred has a case. How about 6 years worth of Bourbon County stouts? Got that too. And Bruery's Black Tuesday? There as plentiful as whores in a whorehouse. Lately, the Founding Fathers expressed concern that Fred's buying and trading habits may be getting out of control. We decided to stage an intervention. Under the guise of a Bourbon County Stout vertical tasting, the founding fathers gathered at 10pm's. Once we'd all arrived, Bim appeared, dressed as Candy Finnigan. As the others sat quietly and with Fred obviously confused, Bim began... "Fred, your addiction has negatively affected me in the following ways: you have made me feel inferior with your superior beer collection. With my confidence shattered, I am now getting humped by my dog on a regular basis. If you don't stop hoarding beers, I will no longer be a clown for you. You need to accept this gift we are offering you." "Fuck you!" snarled Fred. Next up was Johnny. "Fred, your beer hoarding has negatively affected me in the following ways: Well, it really hasn't hurt me at all. Keep up the strong work buddy!" As we got to 10pm, he pulled out his written speech. "Fred, your crazy behavior has negatively affected me as well. The constant pet molestation, running through the neighborhood naked and masturbating in the mailboxes has got to stop. Yesterday I caught you defecating on my lawn. You are terrorizing all the neighbors and we wont take it anymore.The clown makeup was humorous initially, now it's just downright disturbing." Fred looked astonished. "What the hell are you talking about?" A sheepish 10pm replied, "Oops, wrong speech. That one's for Bim's intervention next week." Now it was Snake's turn. "I don't know what the fuck you assholes are even talking about... I'm dry as toast. Let's drink!" And that we did, starting with a 2006 Goose Island Bourbon County Brand stout right on through 2012. Then it was off to a 2011 Bourbon County Coffee and a 2011 Bourbon County Stout Bramble Rye Barrel. While each year had some specific nuances, they all held up well. The 2006, while a paltry 11% ABV,  was smooth as silk, almost syrupy. 2007 (13%) was more carbonated and lighter. 2008 was more reminiscent of 2006, heavier and sweeter. 2009 was a tad flat, but still awesome. 2010 was the best yet, boozy, rich and smooth. 2011, while still an RFG, was the highest yet in alcohol at 14.5%, and should definitely improve with age. With the vertical complete, we changed gears and tasted a 2010 Bourbon County Coffee Stout, a 2011 Bourbon County Bramble Rye, and a 2010 Vanilla all of which are still RFG's. And to finish the night, we ended with a 2010 Bourbon County Rare. After his first sip, Snake exclaimed, "I just busted a nut in my pants! Damn this is good!" Time will tell how Goose Island does under the direction of Annheiser Busch. With the intervention over and the only thing accomplished being lessening Fred's cellar by 11 beers, we headed home as we had a 6AM wake-up call for a trip to Hardywood Park Brewery in Richmond for their release of the Gingerbread Stout. Stay tuned for more on that. Cheers!

Beer Reviews, BC4M Style

Are you one of those douchers that loves beer reviews? We have 3 of them for you. The first is one we did of our own shitty home brews. The second is one of our favorites from the wordsmith EconomicIrony from Beeradvocate.com. This guy can describe a beer better than most cicerones! The last review is that of a beer that is truly horrible. It was an Indian beer that surely is only preferred by the same folks who brought us the ''Cock Tease of Calcutta".  And yes, the mention of this mythical Indian slut is a cheap attempt to inflate our numbers by drawing in our friends from Bombay.

Hopslam clone

You one of those snifter sipping ninnies who likes long detailed beer reviews? We are here to accommodate. While we usually save the flowery reviews for really great beers, we can be as verbose as the next beer snob when the situation calls for it. From time to time we too try our hand at brewing. The following is our own Michael Jacksonesque beer review of the most recent attempt at a Hopslam clone.

 "Looking at this beer in the bottle, it reminds one of Lake Erie, circa 1965, long before the passing of the Clean Water Act. Thick in the bottle, cloudy, lots of floating particles, you just know that this is going to be a treat! What is all that stuff? Yeast? Bacteria? old stuff from bottles that haven't been cleaned? YES, it's all that and more. Pouring this beer into a frosty mug reveals a 12 finger head. The foam sticks to the sides of the glass like tan latex paint, as the beer bubbles and churns like a witches cauldron. Take a long deep whiff. The pungent smell of rotting garbage mixed with an overpowering dose of hops stings the nostrils. Festering pluff mud, raw sewage and the smell of a 2 week old dead possum on a hot August day fills your senses. As much as you may want to immediately drink this beer, fight the urge. Savor the nose just a little longer. This isn't an experience that you get every day. The rancid fragrance brings you back to the urine soaked nursing home where you visited great aunt Phyllis as a child. You know, the one who liked to stuck her withered old tongue in your ear when you were forced into uncomfortably close contact. Now slowly, bring this baby to your lips. As it enters your mouth, you immediately taste sweet honey rolling across your tongue, lingering for only a millisecond and followed immediately by the distinct taste of liquid Drano. Pickle juice, stinky french cheese, and cauliflower are apparent, as is just a hint of brussel sprouts and spoiled milk. The complexity of this brew is truly astounding. Go ahead, close your eyes and take a long draw. You instantly get the image of drinking goat urine with hints of congealed blood and feces. Is this beer special? You bet! We have tasted thousands of beers, and yet there is nothing that compares to this "devil's brew". Belching reveals a toxic gas cloud the likes of which hasn't been seen since Bhopal, India circa 1984. There's no doubt that you've had a one-off masterpiece, brewed with impeccable craftsmanship. Food pairings are a dream with this beer. We recommend pairing with Imodium, Maalox, and if you're planning on drinking more than one, a healthy helping of ipecac. Our hats off to the BC4M master brewers on another unique offering to the craft beer world."

And you know what??? It was still better than Hell or High Watermelon Wheat! If you are a professional brewer and want the recipe, hit us up. We'd love to share it with the world!

Anti-hero IPA

The following is a fantastic, descriptive beer review by Econimocirony at Beeradvocate.com.

"Walking  back to your Bridgeport flat at night; gripping your church key for the twit who tries to make off with the seventeen dollars in your pocket; you can’t help but reluctantly notice the city’s new cohort of young trollops multiplying across your back alley and front step alike. No corner goes unadorned as they mount themselves to the chipped, green primer on the avenues’ lampposts and entice you with their slim figures borne of a steady diet comprised of apricot flavored cigarettes and White Castle sliders. You’re headed home, but weren’t expecting to now. The boss told you to take a vacation - probably forever. Her immaturity, dim-wits, and newly purchased fishnets go hand-in-hand, so you invite her in. She calls you daddy, so you scold her and tell her to shut up. Nothing fits her right. The AquaNet hairspray she applied this afternoon as she rolled out of bed at 3:30pm has now cracked; flaking like the white stain on her black, loosely ill-fitting B-cup brassiere - thanks to genetics, she got at least two “A”s in her life. She needs a place to stay: you only have seventeen dollars, minus the amount you were planning on spending for dinner at the Bucky’s gas station. Again, she’s thin, rail thin; she would look fuller if she didn’t immerse herself in Tropical Agent Orange spray tan, which is nothing more than not-so-cleverly disguised Kool-Aid concentrate; sailors call it bug juice. Despite your efforts to engage her with offers of hand-rolled clove beedis and a tipple of Rittenhouse Rye, she immediately goes flat and reveals her insipid personality. The remnant aroma of what she smoked and ate last night had more character than the hoax of her projected imagination, which was nothing more than repeating punch lines from sitcoms and laughing first every time. With each sip, you wished she at least had the bubbly demeanor of a neophyte, but she bypassed the best part in favor of a feigned bitterness that faded as she lost interest. You follow suit upon finishing, but quickly realize you’ve committed for the remainder of the week; she’s staying five more days. You’ve been had, friend; you probably could have done a better job yourself. Look on the bright side; at least your dinner at Bucky’s exceeded your expectations: you still have your seventeen dollars and they carry Sculpin IPA in the icebox now.

Serving type: can"

Well said sir! Reading this one can almost taste the beer!


Flying Horse

And lastly, the BC4M review of an Indian classic, Flying Horse Lager, as read by Master Cicerone Dr. Suess:

I would not drink this with a fox,
I would not drink it in a box;

Not in a box, not with a fox,
It tastes like shit and smells like socks;

This beer they call the Flying Horse,
It tastes of stool, no surprise of course;

It says that it's a lager beer,
But smells quite like a horses rear;

Was Ganges water used to brew?
And hops? Seems like they forgot that too;

I would advise you pour this out,
It will give you the runs and probably gout;

No, I will not drink this Indian swill;
You shouldn't either, or you'll be ill.

Now for some of our own tasteless reviews from a recent meeting. We started the night with Mother Earth Old Neighborhood Oatmeal Porter (9.9%). This beer was so/so. A little too light and watery, although not at all offensive. We chased that with another North Carolina beer, Highland's Thunderstruck Coffee Porter (5.9%). This was better than the first, more body, and nice coffee flavor. Sticking with the stouts and porters, we decided to sample the latest CHC homebrew, Ice Ice Dynamite (8.4%), a Russian Imperial Stout aged with whole vanilla beans and Wild Turkey soaked oak chips. Hard to believe, but this was by far the best beer of the night. Heavy vanilla flavor in a full bodied imperial stout with a touch of whisky on the back end. Another winner in the Dynamite series. Ska Brewing Mole Stout (5.5%), was a surprise beer, Nice pepper notes, not over the top, with plenty of cocoa as well. It was well liked and rated a good. Hinterlands IPA (6.8%) ...let's start with the label. It appears cheap, kind of thing you'd find on generic beer at a WalMart. The beer itself has tons of shit floating around in it. Looks like someone may have puked into the Brite tank!The smell can only be described as rough, although the taste was a little better. This beer needs work, rating a generous so/so. Speakeasy Payback Porter (7.5%) was a solid porter. Nice flavor, good body, and a good overall rating. We ended the night with a Highland Tasgale Ale (8%), a wee heavy scotch ale. This beer was very drinkable, although at 8%, you're not going to drink too many. We rated this one a good, and called it a night. Cheers!