BC4M's "Name the new guy contest"

As many of you loyal readers know, we recently initiated the newest member into our exclusive club. It all started a while back on a random Saturday when Fred and Bim went to check out a new local brewery and happened to walk in on a zymurgy (meaning, Hey look at me I am a super awesome homebrewer) lecture being given by a guy that looked like he was a roadie for some death metal band. After listening to him expound on the beauty and depth of Italian saisons, we actually were relieved to find out he wasn't some Ghent hipster douche bag and actually did know something about beers when he began to rave about BC4M favorites Surly Darkness and 3 Floyd's Dark Lord. We found out he was newly transplanted to our area from Chicago and was looking for places with great beer. We handed him one of our cards and suggested he attend a meeting at some point. A few weeks later, Fred ran into him again, this time at BC4M's favorite bottle shop, Grape and Gourmet. "Chicago Mike" as we christened him, would soon become a regular  at our meetings, always bringing bottles of beer with him. It was an easy decision to welcome him as a fully fledged member, the only problem was, his boring ass nickname which we decided simply had to go. According to his better half, he has had multiple nicknames while growing up. It seems it all started back in the fall of 1986, when a teenage Michael was rapidly ascending the ranks of Eagle Scout by offering free "breast exams" to any and all takers. In fact, he earned his first nickname, "Canteen Boy" after his scoutmaster sought to give Mike his own type of "exam". Shaken by the turn of events, it caused our beloved scout to dive face first into a binge eating depression that caused him to swell up in size and become "Stay-Puff" to his classmates. After a humiliating loss in "Dance Dance Revolution" at the local Chuck-E-Cheese followed by the excruciating pain of a double hernia surgery caused by a drunken "skateboarding accident", he had an epiphany. He decided to become a new man by creating a new fitness routine called "P-89X". Like clockwork, every hour for months on end he would bang out another set and before long he was a back to his fighting weight. Needing some quick money, he decided to use his dancing talents at the local "club" and quickly became a crowd favorite by the name of "Magic Mike". He quickly became the most in demand of the dancers and was destined to make his way to perhaps New York or even stripper hot spot San Francisco. Fate however, intervened one night when his childhood sweetheart Xena the Hop Princess happened to be at a bachelorette party at the club (her 4th that week) and managed to rescue him from the clutches of a tequila and chili dog fueled "patron" who had paid $107.36 for an anything goes all nighter in the "champagne room". A mere 3 hours later, Mike and Xena were married at a nearby bed and breakfast, and have never looked back. They later relocated to the home of the BC4M where after a short stint as "assistant to the regional head brewer", Mike and his "business not life" partner Jean-Pierre LaDouche have begun scouting locations for their newest venture, a brewpub/bottle shop. As you can tell, our newest member has had a story filled existence and the simple moniker of "Chicago Mike" seems a bit underwhelming. We welcome any and all suggestions, the raunchier the better. The winning entry will receive a BC4M pint glass and taster glass or if you prefer, a lapdance from Mike himself. So put your thinking caps on and lets get cracking. Submit your entries to either:

email:
beerclubformen@cox.net

On Twitter:
@beerclub4men or @bc4mbim